ISBN: 9781626752498

TABLE OF CONTENTS

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS:

INTRODUCTION:

CHAPTER ONE:

CHAPTER TWO:

CHAPTER THREE:

CHAPTER FOUR:

CHAPTER FIVE:

CHAPTER SIX:

CHAPTER SEVEN:

CHAPTER EIGHT:

Journal One: 1991

Journal Two: 1992

Journal Three: 1993

CHAPTER NINE:

Journal Four: 1994

Journal Five: 1995

Journal Six: 1996

Journal Seven: 1997

Journal Eight: 1998

Journal Nine: 1999

Journal Ten: 2000

Journal Eleven: 2001

Journal Twelve: 2002

Journal Thirteen: 2003

Journal Fourteen: 2004

CHAPTER TEN:

Journal Fifteen: 2005

Journal Sixteen: 2006

CHAPTER ELEVEN:

FINAL JOURNAL:

Behold The Doctor

David Vozzy, MSEd

The following is based on my actual life experiences to the best of my memory. Names of all characters and businesses have been changed for the purpose of protecting their identities. The purpose of this book is to raise necessary awareness of the dangers of cults, and of an affliction on our society known as Religious Abuse, in addition to several others that people deal with on a day-to-day basis (including alcoholism, bullying, mental illness, brainwashing and cults, coming to terms with one’s sexual orientation, and more).

Some elements of fiction were added to this work in order to enhance the storyline, and bring out key traits in the main characters. Any name that captures or describes any key business, or person (alive or dead) is purely coincidental.

Acknowledgments

First and foremost, I dedicate this book to anyone who has survived a cult. Please know that you’re loved, and Life has a wonderful purpose for you: whether you realize it or not.

I dedicate this book to my mother “Elizabeth,” who showed us all the triumph of survival, and to my sister “Sandra” who had the courage to stand up for what was right, even though it meant going against the tide, and risking everything she had.

I also dedicate this book to my beloved “Aunt Angie” who offered compassion, guidance, and a helping hand. This helping hand led “Sandra” and I in the right direction.

We three all had our parts in setting my mother free.

I also dedicate this book to Voz: my husband and best friend. You’ve been the one who has truly opened me up to a world of happiness, and have led me to a level of connection with my family and friends that I never thought was possible. I will love you forever.

To Glitterballs: many thanks to you and your friendship. Having another brother is a blessing; thank you for becoming that.

My thanks to Dad, Sylvia, Frankie & Grace, John & Chrissie, and of course my Nana.

Gramps, Grandma and Grandma, may you always be watching over me.

I also thank Mom and Dad (aka Carol and Michael Vozzy Sr.), Michelle and Mike, Nick and Allie, Aunt Col, Lisa & Mike, Annie & Anthony, Michael &Jackie, Kelly, Danielle, Waggy, Bumpy, Mandy, Nikki “Flynn-derella”, Stacy, and all the others (order doesn’t matter: you’re all number ones!) I love all of you!

For all the “Sandra” friends (you all know who you are, and you are all too many to mention!) You guys are the best friends a guy like me could have. I love all you guys!

For all my friends at the AIDS Council of Northeastern NY, and Project HOPE (past and present coworkers). You’ve given the term “work” a new meaning: purpose, camaraderie, and dedication. I will never forget working with any of you!

I also dedicate this to all my former coworkers and friends from Loudonville Starbucks (too many of you to mention!)

I couldn’t resist but to rename a lot of the bit parts after many of you!!

I truly don’t want to sound like a “Bible-Thumper,” but I also need to thank Mel Gibson, and his movie “The Passion of the Christ.” Had I not seen this movie, my mother would not be here with us today, nor would this book have been able to be published, let alone written. Mel Gibson, this movie ultimately saved her life.

Last, but not least, I thank God, The Universe, Reality, the Now, Presence, etc. (they’re all the same thing I believe) for giving me the strength and resilience to survive the darkest times of my life. I am alive, healthy, and happy because of You.

INTRODUCTION

I’m sure many of you are wondering why I would want to relive fifteen years of emotional agony. There are two main ones:

The first is to vindicate my mother’s story. My sister and I were powerful enough to save our mother from a situation that was literally killing her and us as well. However, we were not powerful enough to give her justice (those that hurt her the most were never held legally responsible). Her tale needs to be told. Hence, the book you are holding in your hands (or on your kindle, nook, or I-pad).

For years, many wondered where my mother was. All were told she was in Mexico on business. In truth, she was incarcerated inside of several bedrooms for at least fifteen years. Family who had been brainwashed into believing that Satan had possessed her had held her captive. She endured broken bones, infected teeth, illnesses, and other horrendous forms of torture without any form of medication, or even the slightest medical intervention of any kind. She was not even referred to as her own name. She was referred to as “The Body.” No one could help her because her whereabouts were hidden from everyone who did not know what was happening. When she was rescued after fifteen years of imprisonment, she looked barely human, was incontinent, and didn’t speak.

Secondly, I was a victim of brainwashing and cult/religious abuse. My mother suffered through unspeakable terror because of a belief system that was administered by a woman with unstable tendencies, who over the years had become completely psychotic and abusive to those nearest to her (physically, emotionally, and spiritually).

There are many out there in the hands of cults and religious organizations that frown on the care of doctors. This story must be told in order to highlight what can happen when religion (and the abuse of it) override the concern for physical health, and the healing power of the physician. I have nothing against faith healing, or Scientology in any way. All beliefs and practices have their place, but when abused or used to control others, a tragedy inevitably awaits (several high-profile examples can come to mind). May this true story open the eyes of some, and hopefully help to free others.

Lastly, I believe God gave us instinct and intuition. If anyone feels discomfort in any situation, the discomfort needs to be acknowledged and communicated, and not swept under the carpet due to fear. That is how some of the greatest of tragedies can be prevented.

“BEHOLD THE DOCTOR, FOR HE IS HOLY.”

(Author unknown)

THE PRESENT: ONE

Anthony McCabe finally did it. He published his book of poetry. A book called LIGHT: A Book of Solace. It was a collection of poems that he had been writing since the year of 1995.

He was a man of thirty-three who many considered to be very good looking. He was physically trim, and had a full head of coal-black hair. His eyes were a deep brown, and he had a dark complexion.

He worked as a full-time Shift Supervisor for a coffee company in the Albany area of New York called Coffee Mecca. On the side he worked in the home insurance field for his father. More specifically, he traveled to residences, took pictures of the property, and reported his findings back to the home insurance companies. The pay generously supplemented his coffee pay. On the side he would also perform Tarot readings for many clients. He did not charge for his time unless he needed the money. Whenever he didn’t need the money, and a client insisted on tipping him, he would usually give the money to someone who needed it. His tarot readings were quite popular, and he thoroughly enjoyed it.

Hopefully, this book would be his ticket out of working two jobs in order to pay off a hefty student loan of fifty-five thousand dollars. His objective was to use both jobs for income while he wrote on the side until a “big break” could happen. Maybe this was it! Despite working two jobs and keeping very busy, he was successful with the work he did, and was generally satisfied with his life.

Although the coffee house that he worked in was part of an international corporation, it had small town charm. Eighty percent of its customer base consisted of regulars that would come in every day, and Anthony over time had become very close with just about all of them. They were a very diverse mix of people. A few were lawyers, others were accountants, many were college students, and some were soccer moms. In fact, many of them had become a second family to him. This coffee house was a haven of a very generous and wonderful caliber of people. To Anthony, this place was not a job. It was a group of prime social connections that one was paid to enjoy. He was grateful.

Many viewed Anthony as gentle and gregarious. For those that knew him, they were surprised to learn that he had family that wouldn’t speak to him. His mother’s biological sister, Stella McRae, and Stella’s daughters, Kim and Patsy had abruptly disowned him a few years ago. Anthony tried not to elaborate on it. In fact, he was chatty about just anything, except for this particular subject.

Anthony had a sister by the name of Sandra who was his closest companion. She worked as a dental assistant within a practice for almost twenty years. She too had dark hair that fell past her shoulders, and an olive complexion. Also like her brother, her eyes were brown. She was seen as extremely attractive, and a wonderful person. The same family had disowned her as well. No one who knew them both was able to comprehend why a pair of kind siblings could be so easily discarded.

Their mother was in a full time retirement center by the name of Marcella’s. It specialized in psychiatric issues. Elizabeth McCabe was only sixty-three years old, and yet she was permanently disabled. Many were not sure of her history, or the circumstances leading up to her current medical condition, but all were sure that she had been through a horrendous ordeal that had permanently scarred her body and brain. She had not been physically healthy since the year 1991. Upon her entrance into Marcella’s in 2005, Elizabeth had been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, dementia, chronic depression, and atrophy of the brain. In short, her brain had shrunk due to years of non-stimulation. Even to this day there were medical questions that remained unanswered.

Angie Stone was an attractive redhead in her early fifties. She was a dear friend of their mother’s, and had been close with Elizabeth all their lives. She loved Elizabeth like a sister, and knew of the entire circumstances under which Anthony and Sandra had been disowned. Angie knew the family, who had also jilted her.

The family that had rejected Anthony, Sandra, and Angie were actually responsible for their mother’s current physical and cognitive condition. This subject was an unspoken taboo that was avoided at all costs. The risk of stirring up intense negative emotion was too high.

Theirs was a history that they all did their best not to remember. In contrast to the cheerful façade that was shown to the world, this history was anything but.

Anthony was in a committed partnership with an equally attractive man by the name of David Campbell. He had a shiny shaved head and hazel eyes, was in his late thirties, and worked for an agency that provided free HIV testing. He loved the work, and was held in high esteem by his coworkers due to his talent for the job.

Anthony had been hungry for a partnership. His first true relationship was with a young man by the name of Ben, who he had met in a bar, while looking for a one-night stand. During those days, he was engaging in sexual favors with about as many men as he could find (and that task was not difficult). He had met David soon after. Within a few months they were living together in the Plattsburgh area of New York (a few hours north of Schenectady). At that particular time, he also had a heavy relationship with marijuana, and was not willing to part with it.

When Sandra had been disowned he had ended the relationship with Ben and moved back to Schenectady in order to be in greater proximity, and to offer her emotional support (Ben was not willing to relocate, and this caused the relationship to dissolve). The family had discarded her when she took their sick and disabled mother to a hospital for a physical evaluation. A doctor had not seen her in almost fifteen years; not even for so much as a cold (let alone teeth abscesses, a broken nose, and a protracted rectum). At the time their mother painfully reminded them of a concentration camp victim.

Anthony wanted to be physically near his sister and mother so that he could participate in physical direct care duties that Sandra was partaking in full-time: toileting, dressing, feeding, and more. She managed to miraculously balance this out against raising two children and engaging in her dental-assistant work.

After one year of full-time care and getting Elizabeth’s medical benefits in order (at the time Sandra took her in, she had no benefits, let alone any identification), she was admitted to the hospital’s psychiatric center. Upon further evaluation, she was then transferred to Marcella’s. After Elizabeth was settled there, Anthony met David in a quaint little teashop. The two became inseparable, and the relationship became serious relatively quickly. David found the circumstances regarding Anthony’s mother to be quite disturbing, as did the very few who knew the full situation. Anthony rarely elaborated on it, and would usually become very tense after he would pay a visit up to his mother in the center.

Anthony tended to be very stoic with emotion, rather than expressive. This left David with the impression that Anthony was truly suffering, but silently. He believed that one day Anthony would suffer an emotional breakdown if he did not begin talking about all of the aspects of what had happened to his mother. David truly knew that it would be emotionally excruciating to hear his partner’s sordid tale of agony, but he also knew that Anthony needed to talk about it at some point to prevent further emotional damage.

There were times when Anthony would awaken in the middle of the night in a state of panic, which would practically place David into a state of cardiac arrest. More often then not, Anthony had no recollection of these disturbances the next morning. He would simply fall back to sleep, and wake up the next day like nothing happened. When David would tell him about it, Anthony would innocently and honestly express that he did not remember. Marc knew that night terrors were a sign of unconscious baggage.

On the surface, Anthony maintained the calm of a man fully in charge of his emotions, yet beneath it all lay a repressed storm that was soon to be unleashed.

THE PRESENT: TWO

Anthony would regularly spend time in the retirement home visiting his mother. Her usual state of incoherence was one that he now fully accepted as part of her world. This was a world she felt safe in, and at home in, and it gave Anthony great comfort in knowing that she may be at peace. However, he couldn’t know for sure.

Elizabeth was the epitome of cleanliness today, although Anthony could not help thinking how bloated she had become from the daily dose of anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, and other drugs that had been prescribed to her by the facility’s psychiatrist over one year ago. She sat in her wheelchair, slouched over, and her belly was full. Her calm manner often gave way to what sometimes could be outbursts of a kind of babbling spoken in a code that was beyond anyone’s comprehension.

Anthony eyed a staff member standing at a small table. She was writing something on a piece of paper, and there was a stack of plastic cups neatly placed upside-down. It was apparently medication time for the residents. More bloat for mom.

The nurses and staff had difficulty believing that fifteen years ago, while at the age of forty-four, this woman was a fully functioning, fiercely independent beauty. They only knew what their eyes lay claim too, a bloated and disabled figure who could now barely engage in the outside world.

The staff had grown to be very fond of Elizabeth and found her energetic and animated nature to be a source of balance amid the constant dullness of the others in the home. She was considered to be one of the more “verbal” patients, yelling out phrases such as “smell my twat,” and other explicit sayings which ironically brought much laughter and many smiles to the floor. She was in fact a source of joy to the other patients and staff.

On one recent occasion, Sandra had brought her two children, Prudence and Dominick to visit. As they all were sitting, Mom was lost in a song:

“LADY, LADY. BABY, SHAKE YOUR HIPS!”

They all chuckled because it was heartwarming to listen to. The knew next verse their mother innocently sang out did not belong to the song:

“We all know about the GOLDEN TWAT!”

A look of disbelief came over Sandra (as well as the staff). The two youngsters seemed not to understand, or at least pretended not to understand, which was luck on Sandra’s part.

Today, Anthony and his mother were now sitting there alone. Anthony felt numb and lost while she focused on the wall and talked to it, quite agitated at times as if there was an invisible person that she was interacting with.

“I KNOW you think I’m gorgeous!” she said to that person.

Not knowing what else to say, I simply said:

“Mom, I love you.”

“I KNOW you think I’m beautiful, and I know I love you, Anthony, my little dinky!” This was her way of responding. Anthony, sensing her response gave her a kiss on her forehead. He noticed that her breath smelled foul despite how clean she otherwise seemed to be. Perhaps the staff didn’t brush her teeth today. He would have to let them know. Communicating things to the staff was actually pretty easy, and never anything but pleasant.

“Thank you mom.” He whispered gently in her ear.

“WOOF! SMELL my TWAT!” she then added in an English accent. “TWAT! You know I don’t have the ODOUR of the ASS!” She then joyously cackled. No one else seemed to respond. Apparently they were all used to this. He then heard the cackles of another patient in the background who sounded like a witch. It was official: he had enough. It was time to go back home to his world. And, thank God!

He simply chuckled, gave her a big hug, and said goodbye. Her response back was an even louder and more manic laugh that caused the resident next to her to jump. He walked out of the facility feeling nothing. His body was exhausted and he thought about how these visits drained him of his energy.

After he had left the home, he called Sandra to let her know how the visit went. She was never comfortable with these visits to see mom. The smell of urine, feces, and overall illness were constant unfortunate companions. Although Marcella’s was rated to be one of the best in the State, it was considered to be quite depressing by Anthony and Sandra. Especially Sandra.

Sandra felt hard emotion when visiting mom. Anthony on the other hand simply felt numb. He wouldn’t allow himself to feel anything associated with his mother, her history, or her family that had neglected and physically abused her for fifteen years. Anthony fortunately felt his emotions directed toward other matters.

“It’s so sad what those assholes did to her!” Sandra would usually state with a fierce and stark anger towards their mother’s assailants. “Just the fact that they got away with it! I just want to kill that whore!” He knew exactly what she meant, and who she was specifically referring to. He empathized with her, but the anger and grief that she felt were two feelings that he would not allow himself to feel. In his heart of hearts he wanted to be there for her, but he was blocked.

Sandra’s heart ached, and Anthony’s repressed.

“I know!” were the only comforting words he could offer her. He truly didn’t know what else to say, and was presently incapable of being the emotional support system that he should have been. When mom was settled in the center after all of the family chaos finally calmed down, his memories of all of the interactions that had occurred since the year of 1991 had shut down. This closed off Anthony’s desire and willingness to be emotionally available for Sandra. In truth, she really could have used her little brother’s support, but seldom received it.

Understanding Anthony’s fragile spirit, she knew not to push the issue, and respected his silence and quiet coping mechanisms. She did however at times, harbor a need to hear him open up to her, but he would not relinquish. It was too difficult.

Anthony gave his mother a final kiss on her hand and headed home.

THE PRESENT: THREE

Anthony picked up a copy of his newly self-published book. It was very hard to believe that a collection of poems dating back to the nineties would be published and enjoyed by so many people in such a short time. Angie had told him about a local company that printed up local writings. When he read some of his poetry to her, she advised him to give them a call. Since the time that he did, the results were nothing but truly exciting and wonderful for him.

One of his favorite customers, a woman by the name of Karen Ann (who would always order a small red tea) stated that she “couldn’t put it down!” When he asked why she stated:

“It was so personal!” He was delighted to hear such a compliment.

Another customer named Kenneth read the book, and asked him if his mother had committed suicide (a few of the poems and short stories ironically revealed emotions regarding his mother). Anthony was touched that he cared enough to ask. He said yes, but that she tried unsuccessfully. That was all Anthony was willing to share.

“You write about her like she died when you were fifteen!” Kenneth expressed to him in a very concerned way. Sadly, she practically did. Anthony knew it was a mistake to put anything out there even so much as related to his mother because of all of the questions that he would be asked, and not prepared to answer. Emotionally and intellectually he couldn’t process it.

“You and I will sit down and talk about it sometime!” which was a complete lie. His mother’s story could take days to explain. He had no intention of telling anyone the’ tale in-depth. In fact, hearing Kenneth ask him this question led Anthony to feel as though he had just ingested battery acid. He tried not to let himself feel it, but that was an unsuccessful feat. He silently cursed Kenneth for bringing that up, but pushed it aside and changed the subject to something that he knew Andy enjoyed: his new car.

Anthony lay in his bed. His thoughts wandered to his mother’s sixty-third “birthday celebration.” According to Sandra, had mom not been through all that she had been, the three of them would have been toasting champagne in one of Albany’s finest restaurants, instead of visiting her in a psychiatric nursing home. She probably would have been conversing about politics rather than singing about vaginal odor.

She had worn a cardboard blue birthday tiara on her head, a bib wrapped around her neck, and had babbled away about nonsense while slouched in her wheelchair. This was a radically different scene then other past birthdays when she was in her early forties. She would have been dressed well, and would have been joking and telling stories with her girlfriends.

Fortunately, it was very easy for him to forget about the pains of his mother, because his present life was fulfilling. He loved his work, his family, and his friends. Most importantly, he loved his partner.

A memory suddenly hit Anthony. He remembered his mother serving an elaborate dinner of chicken-cordon-bleu for the entire family for Easter dinner. The table settings were immaculate, the scene was perfectly presented, and all was wonderful. Mom was so graceful and refined with her new shoes, and softly done makeup.

Each setting had a name that was perfectly labeled for each guest. This was placed before a wonderful three-course meal: the appetizer, the main course, and the dessert (which was usually her specialty: strawberry cheesecake). Up to this point when these memories would occasionally come, they were repressed immediately. It was difficult to remember what life was like before she had gotten sick.

Back in 1991, prior to her sickness and when Anthony was fifteen years of age, a suicide attempt had occurred. She had ingested a bottle of sleeping pills, and had cut her wrists while staying with two of her girlfriends for the night. Anthony had been with his mother when she had purchased the pills, and had no idea of her plans. After she had cut her wrists later that night, she had been discovered by the two other women. No doctors were notified at Elizabeth’s own specific request. Although soon after her body seemed to recuperate from the suicide attempt, her mind did not. A drastic personality change arrived, and she had begun to radically deteriorate.

After this she informed other friends and family that she would be staying with her two girlfriends to “rest and regroup” for a time. That was the last time anyone other than her children and very immediate family had seen her until well over a decade later, and radically changed for the worse.

THE PRESENT: FOUR

To Anthony, Victoria Carmichael was one of the beloved regular customers. She came in daily with her daughter Sarah. She would always order a double-espresso and an iced green tea. Victoria was always very social and welcoming of conversation. Anthony loved her to death and enjoyed her company whenever she came in to the coffee shop. She was one of the customers that he would sneak free drinks to whenever he could.

Among many of his coworkers and customers, she was one who he actually spoke with outside of work hours. He and a few of his friends had dinners a few times with her. They became fast friends when they discovered a mutual weakness for the metaphysical and the mindful.

Her son Jesse was inflicted with a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) due to a car accident a few years ago, and had very recently been sent to a residential community center for youngsters out in Ohio called We Are Joy. According to the literature and provided information presented online, the center was supposed to provide him with skills that would help him recuperate.

Anthony had no idea that their interactions in the near future would set forth events that would change his emotional life for the long term.

Anthony was sitting in the café writing some poetry when he saw Victoria come in. She was the very one that he was waiting to see on this particular day. It was very normal for Anthony to have his friends and family review his work in order to get their opinions. He had forwarded to her a copy of all of his new poetry that would be turned into Faith, a second collection of poems and spiritual thoughts.

He wasn’t prepared for what she was about to tell him.

She sat down looking troubled. Her dark hair was looking silky, and she was looking very pretty.

“Jesse’s in trouble!” These were words that he was not expecting to hear. Recently she had expressed some hesitation about her decision to send him away, but this was something that truly surprised him. She had originally made the center out to sound so promising.

“What’s happening?” he asked with sincere curiosity.

An hour later, Anthony had heard information that had left him feeling stripped. She and her husband had invested their life savings (a sum of forty thousand dollars) to the camp. Originally, the camp director had recommended two weeks, which had quickly been changed to four weeks, which was then changed to two months. This had radically increased Kim’s sense of unsettlement.

Why did they keep extending the stay? Her unease wasn’t helped by the fact that she was denied access to speaking with him on that particular Thanksgiving. From her perspective, nothing about any of this seemed normal. It didn’t sound normal to Anthony either as she continued to describe her situation.

In response to this, she contacted Federal investigators who were well versed in cult activity. Upon their arrival, they immediately assessed that the farm was not suitable for Jesse. The farm suddenly gave Victoria strong and intense resistance. She had been verbally attacked by the staff, and was told “she was going to ruin him if she took him away from the farm.”

It turned out the farm had abruptly taken Jesse off his antidepressant that treated his Bipolar Disorder (without consulting the family physician). In addition, he was also left with a new problem: an altered belief system. He now had the delusion that he was possessed by a demon, that his family was evil, and that he was to avoid them at all costs. Upon returning home, he was not the same. His instilled beliefs from the center would now lead him to run away, and to become physically and emotionally aggressive.

In actuality, Jesse had been held captive by a cult claiming to be a rehabilitation center. We Are Joy turned to be unlicensed, and yet collected tens of thousands of dollars from families that were unaware of what was going on behind closed doors. Victoria wanted to give him further details, but they sadly had run out of time. Anthony was speechless and stunned.

Victoria concluded: “You know, no one seems to have any understanding of my son and his situation! I just feel like no one really wants to help me!”

Anthony knew exactly what her son was going through. He had been through some very twisted experiences involving religious abuse, brainwashing, and the accusation of possession. All of these events were connected to his mother’s current disabilities, and how they came to be. He would not go there, and didn’t want to relive it to save his life. It was too horrifying.

“Kim, I’m really sorry!” were the only words he could find, and they were true. He was genuinely sorry, but he didn’t know what else he could tell her, or what he could do. This seemed to be his usual response when confided in (one only needed to ask Sandra).

Anthony felt a chill enter him as he returned to the bar.

THE PRESENT: FIVE

Anthony, David, and their friends were at a place called Greed, a hopping downtown restaurant in Albany. They were wining and dining in celebration of his book.

“Why couldn’t your mother be with us?” a close friend named Mick eagerly asked Anthony. David would later tell her not to bring Anthony’s mother up in front of him. All who knew Anthony were aware that his mother was in a home, but few knew the deeper and more disturbing conditions that led her to end up there. David knew just about every detail, and had learned to accept his troubled boyfriend’s past, but more importantly, to keep quiet about it.

David immediately knew that asking Anthony about his mother could cause him to become visibly tense and on-edge. For this reason, he immediately stopped Mick from asking anything else. As a chatty friend, it would have been very normal for her to begin “interviewing” Anthony with numerous who’s, what’s, where’s, and why’s. The last time a friend made the mistake of doing this, Anthony quickly shed his stoic cover and broke down sobbing right in front of him. David was one who completely understood why Anthony became upset, and fortunately knew how to stop anyone from going there.

“Well, she’s in the home.” Anthony told them. In many cases he actually didn’t feel pain when she was brought up. He usually felt numb, but on random occasions, the pain would quickly rise back to the surface and the storm would commence. David immediately changed the subject to something that Mick would have wanted to talk about even more than Anthony’s mother, her new position as a color specialist in one of the most hopping salons in the capital district. The conversation was soon featuring hair colors and the latest hairstyles.

The coast was now officially clear, and both David and Anthony could breathe. Anthony would thank him later. Having nosy friends could sometimes be dangerous to one’s immediate mood.

A nightmare hit him that night for the first time in what seemed like forever. He dreamed of his family that he no longer associated with. His cousin Kim, his Aunt Stella, and a woman by the name of Joan Slavich were a psychotic family that lived together in an old farmhouse. It resembled a dark and macabre black-and-white horror movie. All were morbidly dangerous, and were savagely fighting with each other. Their version of fighting included hacking each other up with axes, knives, and other torturous weapons. Faint classical music was playing. Dead bodies were all about.

Kim growled in a bellowing demonic voice as she lifted up her shirt and revealed a scar that had been slashed across her stomach. The scar was greenish-black, and was decayed. Out from the discolored wound oozed yellow pus. The stench of death was all too present.

Joan was the woman who was mainly responsible for his mother’s former abuse, and current disabilities. She had been holding a straight razor, which she began using to mutilate her own face with. As the blade repeatedly gashed at her face, and as the flesh scraped off, she glared right at you with an exaggerated and demented smile.

He sprang up awake and screaming. His chest was throbbing, and he was sweat-soaked. Fortunately, he was not staying at Marc’s that night. It took him two hours to fall back to sleep, which was fine with Anthony. He didn’t want to dream anymore.

A few days later Anthony started his shift at the coffee house after three solid hours of writing. It was a busy one, and over ten red paper cups were lined up and waiting for their lattes, mochas, and caramel delights. A line of at least twenty people extended out to the condiment bar. Lots of commotion could be felt. Timers were going off and the sounds of numerous voices could be rapidly heard. The energy was high and very fast. Usually when Anthony began his work shift with a dreadful queue of customers, he was in the flow.

Today was different.

Anthony felt a sudden shift in his body upon walking onto the bar area. His chest began “fluttering.” He also felt a static-like sensation in his head. Anthony was very familiar with this sensation, but hadn’t felt it in a long time. It was as though someone was holding a remote control and had suddenly “paused” him. He then felt “frozen.” He physically could move around, but knew that his brain was not allowing him to coordinate freely, or to think clearly. His thoughts were jagged and rough. A panicky feeling began to very rapidly and intensely overtake. In what seemed like a matter of minutes, he felt from ready-to-go, to panic-ridden. His chest began to pound, and his stomach began to burn. He felt a bead of sweat trickle down the left side of his forehead. It was then that he began feeling dizzy.

People were calling to him, but he couldn’t make out what they were saying. He only heard noise, not communication. He tried talking, but he felt as if his words were coming out slurred. His heart savagely throbbed. He knew he needed to escape to the back office, but he was frantically trapped in the vortex of coworkers, customers, and beverage orders. He found himself greeting the first customer, but felt that he was completely outside of his own body.

Anthony could barely make out his first order. He only heard words that had no meaning. He picked up the red paper cup and then suddenly dropped it. Everything was spinning. His heart was palpitating, and now he couldn’t breathe. His thoughts were completely clogged, and all he heard were the sounds of human voices that were unrecognizable. He clutched his chest as he felt a pang of anxiety slam into him with a crash. He gasped for air.

His feeling of panic took over, and there was sudden blackness.

As Anthony opened his eyes, he found himself sitting in one of the soft café chairs with a few people around him. It was then that he realized that he must have suddenly fainted. An ambulance was now on its way due to a coworker calling 911. Apparently, he had only been unconscious for less than fifteen minutes.

Kenneth, the favorite regular customer who had read his book, and the coworker (a young woman by the name of Rebecca) were sitting with him. She called over to the Shift Supervisor known as Voz, and informed him that Anthony had awoken.

“Jesus, Anthony, you fainted! Are you okay?” Kenneth asked.

Anthony wasn’t sure. He noticed that the entire right side of his body was sore, and felt as though he had woken up from a nap. The soreness must have been due to hitting the floor when he had lost consciousness.

He looked at Rebecca’s spiky auburn hair and momentarily thought of her as an angel. The memory of the panic that very quickly overtook came back to him. He realized that he had just endured his first fully-fledged panic attack in over two years. He used to get them regularly ever since his mother became ill in 1991. In those days, they were terrifying because he had no idea what they were, let alone what to do about them. He pretty much understood that the thing to do was to rough it out, stay calm, and “make it your friend” as his former therapist would say.

“I don’t know what happened. Everything was just...a big blur.” There was nothing to recollect past the whirlwind of people assaulting him with orders for mochas and caramel lattes.

“We were so scared! Thank God you’re okay!” Rebecca was not one to display a lot of softness. She was tough and thick skinned. Yet, now she was practically in tears.

Kenneth was also tough, but now seemed very fatherly. Anthony wanted to crawl into a corner and hide. He wasn’t one to think of himself as a victim that was in need of rescuing, but he was starting to show signs that help was the one thing he needed.

A paramedic checked on him, and reassured him that all was fine. He had suffered through a panic attack, and had fainted (as Anthony already knew). The paramedic advised him to lay low for the next two days, and to be sure that he had a ride home. Josh, the store’s manager authorized the time off immediately, and delegated Rebecca to drive Anthony back to his house.

He had suffered through many panic attacks in the past, but until now had never fainted. Not only was this sudden, but far more severe than any attack he could remember. Anthony was scared. What was happening to him? Would he have to go back into therapy? These questions now were visiting him, and no internal answers seemed to come.

THE PRESENT: SIX

A few days later a very awful feeling started to hit Anthony. It was a feeling of depression. He was driving and a song started to play (one that had always led him to feel painfully sad for some unknown reason). He had felt his body suddenly shift again, and felt a slight twinge of despair in his chest and stomach. He was extremely sensitive to this feeling because major depression was a cross that he had carried for many years.

He had not any true clinical symptoms for at least fourteen months. The indecisiveness, the lack of any desire to do anything (even the fun things), and the lethargy were all main characters in this tearjerker movie called Anthony’s Major Depression. He immediately feared the sequel was underway.

In the past two years, he had experienced a life without panic and depression. Reliving anything from two years ago or prior was Anthony’s greatest agony. Even the slightest flashbacks of his own past inner-life, as well as his past outer-life were forms of pure Hell for him.

He had been taking a small dose of an SSRI (a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor), which had helped him immensely with the symptoms, but no dosage could take away his current discomfort about his recent panic attack. ’ Anthony had little understanding of why this simple conversation with Victoria could unleash his former clinical symptoms. He would need to call his former therapist and talk with her about it.