ISBN: 9781483526577

TABLE OF CONTENTS

CHAPTER ONE

Mary

CHAPTER TWO

Manny

CHAPTER THREE

Stan

CHAPTER FOUR

Sylvia

CHAPTER FIVE

Agatha

CHAPTER SIX

Kidnapped

CHAPTER SEVEN

Sensory Deprivation

CHAPTER EIGHT

Betrayed

CHAPTER NINE

Savior

CHAPTER TEN

Healing

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Paul

CHAPTER TWELVE

Trouble

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Windfall

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Folsom Prison

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Easter

CHAPTER ONE

MARY

The first thought she had upon waking was “I could do better, I know I could.” Mary felt the last fuzziness of sleep leaving her mind and suddenly recalled a dream she had of Governor Reagan sleeping at his desk while George Bushstood nearby saying “I could be a good president, I know I could.” She thought the dream was interesting and funny, not only because it reflected Nixon’s aspirations but it also made her think about her aspirations. Head still full of cobwebs and losing that thought really fast, Mary hauled herself out of bed and headed for the shower. Another eight hours with thirty children was coming up and she needed to be fully awake.

Mary had been working as an aide at the Sunshine Day Care Center for twelve and a half years. It wasn’t an unpleasant job, but she felt ambivalent about it. She felt that she was getting her nurturing needs met, but more and more she realized that she was not going to find her heart’s desire at Sunshine. And she was getting old, or make that older.

After laboring her way through college for eight years (the hard way – one year of school and one year of work), she received her BA in Art History with a big nut of student loans. Her obsession with art lasted about two more years working in the basement of the Los Angeles Art Museum, doing more clerical work than anything else. Mary still had a few Van Gogh and Monet posters in her apartment, but she couldn’t imagine what possessed her to believe she had a career in the field of Art History. It was just, well, interesting. More interesting than anything else, anyway. It was something she tried not to think about any more.

Standing in the shower while the lovely hot water pounded her shoulders, she looked down at her bulging stomach and wondered if it was bigger than the last time she looked. She could still see her feet. This was a ritual she performed often. Her stomach seemed to balloon while she slept and the morning chore of finding an outfit that would fit comfortably, was getting more and more difficult. After a few moments of recrimination she started thinking about breakfast.

The patience required for trying on outfit after outfit was not present this morning, so she reached for her pink elephant pants and long white smock. She ran a comb through her black wavy hair, curled her eyelashes (it helps!) before applying mascara. That and a neutral lip gloss were the last vestiges of a make-up routine that used to take twenty minutes. She could, when she was in that kind of mood, look at her face and see the pretty young girl she once was. Now there were little bags under her eyes, wrinkles, the beginning of a double chin and her hair was shot with gray. It could be worse, she told herself. But should I try harder?

Then, looking down at her baggy clothes which were so comfortable, she thought, this is okay. One good thing, if you could call it that, of being forty-two and overweight was that you no longer needed to prepare for leaving the house as if you were going to run into Robert Redford at the bus stop. Well, it didn’t have to be Redford, just any good looking man who was a possibility. Because they wouldn’t even see me. I know I am invisible now. Then after what seemed like 105 possibilities with men that all became disappointments and about 30 pounds; who cared? Looking at herself in the mirror, Mary thought “five years ago I would have been nearly suicidal over this body.” She wasn’t really sure if that was a good sign or not.

Later that morning at the center she read a story to Tommy that he enjoyed tremendously. Tommy was in a wheelchair because he suffered with cerebral palsy and it was a challenge to keep him amused. When he looked up at her with adoring eyes and said “that was really a good story Mary, will you read me another one?” she thought this job is great. An hour later she had to break up a fight between Nicole and Mike who coveted the same pink teddy bear.

“Now, now” she tried to say in a soothing voice, “Mike, why don’t you let Nicole play with the teddy now and you can have him back this afternoon? You and I can go find some more great toys and that way we can share.” Mike was not going with the flow. “I hate you, you’re just a mean old fat lady” he cried. He doesn’t mean it, she told herself. He’s just an angry little boy who feels slighted.

Still, when she was sitting down next to Tommy earlier she had felt her pendulous breasts (she never could get used to wearing a bra) snuggling up against the roll (first roll) below it.  It was an awful feeling. What is happening to my body, what is happening to my life, she thought, experiencing a moment of alarm. Quitting time was so far away, could she make it?

Back at her apartment she checked her answering machine when she saw the red light blinking. She pressed the message button and listened “Hi Mary, this is Stan. Just calling to see how the battle’s going. Want to see a movie tonight? Give me a call.” Mary knew what that meant was please go rent a video and invite me over to watch. She sighed and debated with herself, once more, the pros and cons of Stanley. He was a nice guy, companionable and somewhat trustworthy. But he had no ambition, no goals and no money. Their time together was spent at Mary’s place watching TV or videos (which she rented) and eating food that she bought and prepared.

Stan worked for Manpower, specializing in bank jobs. Which was quite ironic, because he had spent two years in the California Department of Corrections for a bank robbery he committed when he was younger. No one was hurt (he used a toy gun) and he got out on parole. It was his parole officer who got him started with Manpower. An optimistic man.

At his first interview he was asked what line of work he was experienced in and Stan answered “banking.” Perhaps he was taken literally, because he did get hired and Stan stood up to the test. He really did know a lot about banks.

He had been straight all these years and he had found himself a comfortable niche filling temp positions while circulating around the banks in downtown L.A. During the many times when he didn’t have work, well, he didn’t need much and he liked the time off.

The problem, as Mary saw it, was that he never aspired to anything else. He seemed comfortable with his tiny little apartment, his 1962 pickup truck and her. He accepted her totally (tactfully never mentioning her weight) and was an affectionate, easy going guy. He was cute, too. His Hispanic heritage gave him big dark eyes and jet black hair that Mary found appealing. Stan’s skinny 5’7” frame made her feel absolutely Rubinesque. Still, their bodies did seem to fit well together and he was a passable lover, not that she could be too choosey in that department. Mary remembered how excited she was when they first met nine months ago, but it didn’t last long. Now, why is that, she thought, again and again.

Well, should she follow his game plan? She felt weary and a little angry. Maybe it was time to have a talk, let him know how she felt. How many men could be interested in me, she thought. Soon I’ll be not only fat and frumpy and also forty-three.He’s a man and he’s here. Resolutely, she pushed that thought from her mind and dialed his number.

“Hello”

“Hi Babe. How are ya?”

“I’m fine – kind of. I just got back from work and I haven’t recovered yet.”

He chuckled. “You need to take it easy Mary. Why don’t you get a video and we’ll just veg out tonight.”

“Vegging out, Stanley, is all we ever do. And why don’t you get the movie?”

“Me???” He sounded surprised. “You want me to get the movie?”

“I know that’s a novel concept, Stan, but YES I want you to get the movie. Think of all the movies I have rented for us.”

“Yeah, well, I know, but I’m really broke right now. I haven’t worked yet this week.”

Why the hell not, she thought, anger mounting. There was an uncomfortable silence.

“Well, he began hopefully, I’ve got a Jack in the Box coupon. Maybe we could go over there and you could get us some cheeseburgers because they won’t be expensive with my coupon and we’ll bring them back here and watch TV.”

“Stanley, do you realize that the entire time we have been seeing each other you have never taken me out on a date?”

“Never?”

“No, never.”

“Well, there was that time we went out to the movies.”

“Yes, except that I paid for it and we took my car – actually, it was my idea.” You have never called me and said Mary, can I take you out to dinner? Or anything.”

“How about that time we had dinner at the Golden Lion – oh, you treated that time, too, didn’t you. That was a date, wasn’t it?” He laughed.

May was pissed. He didn’t seem to understand that there was a problem. Or he didn’t want to understand.

“Well, I don’t feel like eating Jack in the Box food or cooking, there’s nothing on TV but re-runs and I’m going to spend the evening reading.”

“Aw, Mary, don’t be mad. I just want to see you.”

“No, Stan, I want to be alone. Let’s do dinner sometime later in the week.”

“All right. Give me a call.” He sounded hurt.

“Yeah, sure, I will. Good bye.”

She put the phone down and began pacing around the apartment. Anger and guilt were competing in her mind and she felt in a turmoil. She knew his feelings were hurt, but should she feel responsible for that? It was the first time she had been honest about her feelings. In the back of her mind was the nagging thought that maybe it wasn’t the freeloading that bothered her, maybe it was just that he was so boring. Just maybe she should end this relationship. But she knew she wouldn’t. Because she did not want to be alone. Because she knew Prince Charming was not going to make it.

Chocolate, or maybe potato chips and French onion dip. That would make her feel better. It sang to her, it called to her, the impulse to drown her problems in carbohydrates pulled sweetly but with irresistible force.

I’ll meditate, she thought, maybe that will work. She sat down on the lumpy green sofa, closed her eyes and tried to center herself. Then after a few moments she thought her mantra and paused for a while and then said it over again. The familiar feeling of letting go enveloped her. She transcended down, lower and lower and felt her thoughts slowing down. Her breathing became shallow and her arms and legs became relaxed and tingled a bit.

Now she let her mind wander and came back to her mantra only when she had the urge. Mary found herself thinking about Stan, which wasn’t a big surprise. Meditation always allowed the unresolved problems to float to the surface. She mulled it over with a detached feeling. How he could be so sweet sometimes; how he was such a wimp. Then she had the thought I feel and trust the presence of the Universe in my life and wondered where did that come from? Oh, yeah, that book she read about cosmic consciousness, or something like that.

Supposedly if you connect with the force of the universe and let it into your life, it will free you of your self-doubts and limitations and the possibilities are mind boggling. Sure, she thought, if only it was that easy. But the phrase had a comforting feeling to it. I feel and trust the presence of the universe in my life. She repeated it a couple more times and felt a wonderful sense of peace. Simultaneously, her trance became deeper and she stopped thinking and entered that space of simply being.

Mary came out of her trance and sleepily glanced at her watch. She was surprised to find she had been sitting for an hour. Stretching and yawning, she was fully alert and realized she felt much better. I really should meditate more often, she thought.

The phone rang. It was Stan’s father, Manny.

“How’s my girl?” he boomed at her.

“Just fine, Manny. How are you?”

“Good, real good. How’d ya like to come out and visit me tonight? I finished up with the rabbits kind of late and I’m just getting around to dinner. Wanna join me?”

The idea appealed to her immensely. Manny Pena was one of her favorite people. Sometimes it was hard to believe that Stanley was his son.

“Sure. That sounds great. I was feeling kind of out of sorts tonight.”

“Well, it’s a date. Come on out whenever you feel like it. You could call Stan and bring him too. I suppose that old heap of his isn’t working.”

“Actually, I’d rather not Manny. Do you mind if it’s just the two of us tonight?”

“Uh oh, you two got problems?”

“Yes ...”

“Well, I can’t say as I’m shocked to hear that. You can tell me all about it when you get here.”

“Thanks, Manny. I’ll see you soon.”

Great, she thought excitedly. It’ll be fun to see Manny, he was so easy to talk to. Her stomach rumbled and she hoped they’d be having Mexican food – Manny was such a good cook.

CHAPTER TWO

MANNY

The air was hot and oppressive as she drove out to Manny’s place. He lived on two acres of land, out in the county. Stan’s mother had died years ago and Manny was living alone in a little house surrounded by his rabbit operation. He was semi-retired and supplemented his social security by raising rabbits.

Manny really had a feeling for his rabbits. He sang to them and kept their cages scrupulously clean and he raised his own lettuce and carrots for them. It amazed Mary that he could care so much for his rabbits and still box them up to sell them. And what did he sell them for? Mary didn’t want to think about it.

As she bumped down the dirt road that lead to the house, she enjoyed the country air before she saw the long rows of rabbit hutches. Then she saw Manny come out of the door of his house, with an apron tied around his waist. He waived to her. She parked and he opened her door, opening his arms wide to give her a hug.

He was a short, stocky man with a comfortable expanse of belly. His mane of silver-white hair matched his moustache and beard. Wrinkles surrounded his smiling dark eyes. When he smiled he revealed a gold tooth, of which he was very proud. “I gotta be careful where I walk now, Mary” he had told her once. “I’m carrying a fortune in my mouth and there are some bad hombres out there who would love to dig it out.”

Manny loved to kid around and to tease her. After he released her, he held her at arm’s length and said “You look just great, kid”.

“You’ve got to be kidding, Manny. I think I’m fatter than I have ever been.”

“Don’t be silly, Mary. It just makes you easier to grab onto” he laughed.

“Well, I guess we shouldn’t talk about my weight when I’m about to eat one of your fabulous dinners. What are we having?”

“Your favorite, cheese enchiladas and beef tacos.”

“Oh, Manny, you’re too good to me.”

“You deserve it, kiddo. I just wish that no good son of mine treated you better. Come on in.”

He led the way into the little ramshackle house. Inside, it was cheerful and bright. The sun was now low on the horizon and it cast its rays onto the many colors in the room, creating a warm glow. Manny’s style of decorating was carefree. He had rugs on the walls, cowboy and Indian statues and even an electric red Budweiser Beer sign over the kitchen counter.

A rich and spicy aroma was coming from the oven. Mary sank into one of the old cane bottom chairs with pillows that were at the low kitchen table and accepted the can of beer that Manny offered. She felt so at home in his place and so comfortable. He went over to the counter and busied himself chopping onions, lettuce and tomatoes.

“So, tell me all about it. What did Stanley do now?”

“It isn’t what he did, it’s what he doesn’t do. Stan has never taken me out on a date.”

“He’s NEVER taken you out on a date? Jesus Jenny, what do you see in that guy?”

She chuckled. He’s your son, Manny. You know what I see in him. He can be very sweet and well ...”

“Yeah, I hate to talk about my own boy, but that Stanley, he just doesn’t want to do anything for himself. It makes me so sad. You know, he comes over here borrowing money from me all the time. I thought he was spending some of it on you and I didn’t mind that.”

“Oh, no, you shouldn’t give him money to spend on me. I really think that when Stan can get money for free, it encourages him not to work.”

“And what do you do? I suppose you’ve never spent any money on him either, hmmm?”

“You’re right, we both need to stop making it so easy for him to use us.”

“Yes, I think you gotta point there. The trouble is, I don’t think it will motivate him. Stan is content with nothing. He’s never had any ambition. You know how he fell into that job, don’t you? Robs a bank, goes to prison and gets the Manpower job as part of a rehab project. If it was up to him to get himself work, he’d starve. He sighed heavily. “I hate to say it Mary, but I don’t think my Stan is the man for you. His heart is in the right place, but a girl like you; smart and pretty like you are, you could do much better.”

She was startled, she hadn’t expected to hear that from Manny. He looked up at her and read the expression on her face.

“I know, that sounds cold. When I was a young man with little children, I thought the world of my kids. Nobody could say a word against them, I’d jump all over them defending those two kids. But I’m an old man now, Mary and I see things a lot clearer. It’s just like that movie I saw the other night, it’s called, now let me see. Oh yeah, it’s called A Lion in Winter. It’s about King Henry, who is an old guy and he’s trying to figure out which one of his three boys should be king after he dies.

Trouble is, all three of them are bums, in one way or another. He has a hard time facing it, but in the end he disowns all of them and finds himself a young gal who can give him another baby.” He chuckled. “I used to wonder why Stan was so lazy. Where did he get that, I’d ask myself. Certainly not from me or his mother. I finally decided he must have been born that way and there’s no use me tearing myself up about it. There’s nothing I can do for him. But listen now, when you give Stanley the boot, which I know you will do sooner or later, I don’t want you to be a stranger. You and I are still friends, okay?”

Mary’s heart ached when she heard that. She felt her eyes filling up with tears. “Sure Manny, I couldn’t stand to lose you.”

He smiled, flashing his gold tooth. “Good, good, now let’s talk about something happier. How’s that job of your’s going?

She groaned. “That’s not exactly a happier subject.”

“I thought you liked working with the little ones.”

“I do, but they can be frustrating at times. Actually, that’s not it. It’s just that the job is a real dead end. I like being with the kids, but I’m just a babysitter. Somehow I thought I would have progressed a little farther at my age. And the pay is awful. I can just imagine myself working there at fifty-five and still making six bucks an hour. I know I can do more, I know I should do more, but I just don’t know what it is.

“I bet you wanted to help people, that’s why you started working there.”

“Yes, that’s true. I don’t get any kind of emotional reward out of the jobs that don’t connect me with people. And I feel like I could really help, somehow.”

“You keep working on it, Mary, and you’ll figure it out. You just gotta believe in yourself.”

Good grief, Mary thought. The same kind of advice she would have gotten from her mother. So pat, so easy. She did believe in herself, but she was also a realist. Well, she wasn’t going to get into it with Manny.