Gill & Macmillan
Contents
Cover
Title Page
City Tales
Consumer Affairs
Culture Clash
From Boom to Bust and Back Again?
Hallmark Holidays
In the Words of a Dub
It’s All Academic
Only in Dublin
P.G. Parental Guidance
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
Random Ramblings
The Social Life
The Sublimely Silly
The Wisdom of Young and Old
Word on the Street
Copyright
About Gill & Macmillan
City Tales
A shark’s tale
Crossing over the Ha’penny Bridge, a mother says to a crying kid, ‘If you don’t bleedin’ shut up, I’ll throw you to the sharks!’
It’s all about me
At the Beshoff chipper in Dublin 4. A girl orders two singles. The guy behind the counter asks, ‘Do you want them wrapped separate or together?’ The girl replies, ‘Eh, would you wrap one of them separate please?’
True
Debate about TV shows on the Luas.
Girl: ‘Fair City is more realistic than Love/Hate.’
Lad: ‘No it’s not! You won’t hear “gee bag” being said on Fair City!’
The dark side
Overheard in Kielys of Donnybrook: ‘What do you mean Brian O’Driscoll’s a northsider?!’
Second time around
A D4 girl in a Barnardos charity shop in Dún Laoghaire: ‘Erm, I dunno, it’s kinda nice but it’s, like, almost like it’s been worn.’
On yer bike!
Overheard at the Rothar Project: ‘I wouldn’t roide you if you had pedals!’
Aber-bum-bie
‘I go into Abercrombie & Fitch just to fart.’
‘Like a Virgin’
‘It’s been that long since I’ve done anything it’s probably closed up!’
Text talk
A girl at Oxegen festival: ‘O to the M to the G, I think I lost my iPhone!’
Bum note
‘She’s so far up herself, she could give herself an enema!’
D4 resolutions
In Starbucks Blackrock: ‘… so my New Year’s resolution is to switch from an Espresso Frappuccino to a Mocha Frappuccino.’
Prickly piles
Two lads are having an argument on O’Connell Street. One of them then gets on a bus and he shouts out the window, ‘I hope your next shite is a hedgehog!’
The world on your shoulders
Two D4 girls hauling a twenty-four-pack of Bulmers Light to the checkout in SuperValu Blackrock: ‘This is really, like, so labour-extensive!’
Worst ride of his life
Two lads on a bicycle: the one on the back stretches his legs out and screams, ‘Ah you’re wrecking me f**king giblets!’
Super sense
Overheard on the southbound Dart: ‘I got €100 worth of Superdry vouchers for my birthday. That should get me at least two T-shirts.’
Caught between a kebab and a hard place
Three a.m. in Temple Bar. A woman says to her friend, ‘Come on! We’re going for a kebab!’ The friend, crouched behind a car, shouts, ‘Wait, I’m just pulling my knickers up!’
Tainted toes
Two girls in Juniors Deli: ‘Oh your toes look great! Did you get a pedicure?
‘No, I got a manicure, but for my feet, like.’
Fast food
At 4 a.m., a mess of a girl gets kicked out of Burger King with no pants. My mate shouts, ‘Teresa, you forgot your fecking trousers!’
Tap water
A woman in Starbucks on Mespil Road: ‘Can I have a “no-ice grande ice water”?’ (i.e. tap water!)
Let them eat cake
Three of south Dublin’s finest on Suffolk Street: ‘Superdry, the Abercrombie for culchies.’
Role model
A child is screaming in town. His mother turns to him and says, ‘Stop that or people will think you have turrets. Now SHUT UP!’
Willy Wonka
A ‘lady’ on the no. 65 bus says to her friends, ‘All I want for Valentine’s Day is a fella with a chocolate willy that pisses money.’ (What a wonderful image.)
Hot stuff
A stunning lady jogs past two workmen in the city centre. One of the men shouts, ‘Take it easy luv, ye’ll boil yer waters!’ She shouts back, ‘Ye needn’t worry, ye’ll never scald yer mickey in them!’
Cocktail class
At Electric Picnic.
A D4 girl at the bar: ‘Two Piña Coladas and one Margarita.’
Bar staff: ‘Where do you think you are, Castlepalooza?’
Gorilla warfare
At Dublin Zoo. A woman walking towards the gorilla exhibit, pushing a pram and with a fag in her mouth, says to her friend, ‘Where’s this King Kong motherf**ker at?’
Careful Mickey!
A father and his daughter discussing a trip to Disneyland: ‘I can’t wait Da, I’m gonna keep grabbing Mickey!’ Dad replies, ‘Just like your Ma, so.’
What a lovely image
Frascati Shopping Centre, Blackrock.
‘What are you wearing tonight?’
‘Black leather leggings and stuffing my ass cheeks.’
Feminists
Girl 1: ‘Did ya see Miley Cyrus on the MTV awards last night?’
Girl 2: ‘Yeah, it’s called being a slut.’
Return to sender
A D4 girl in Blackrock: ‘What happens to the cannabis that the Gardaí seize? Like, is it brought back to the supplier?’
Yoghurt addict
I was waiting for a friend on O’Connell Street on Arthur’s Day and I was approached by a woman absolutely out of her face.
Woman: ‘Here love, ye haven got a smoke have ye?’
I gave her one in the hope that she would go away but she approached me again.
Woman: ‘Ye wanna buy any heroin’ cause of de night dats in it ‘n’ all?’
Me: ‘Ehh … I’ll pass, thanks!’
Woman: ‘Je want a few “e”s instead then?’
Me: ‘No, I’m grand, thanks!’
Realising she was getting nowhere, she then asked: ‘Well dya want a f**king yoghurt then? … de’re strawberry – de’re masso … ye can just use yer fingers ’cause I’m using the spoon … yer not getting it for free though.’
Psychoanalysis
Overheard on the Dart: ‘I like to judge people based on what stop they get off at,’ says a girl getting off at Sandymount.
Family planning?
In the Coombe Hospital. A patient advises the nurse, ‘Only ever have two kids; it ruins the sex. Sex for my fella now is like throwing a sausage up O’Connell Street!’
First aid
Overheard at an A&E ward at St James’s Hospital:
Nurse: ‘What happened to you then?’
Patient: ‘I was coming out of the pub and someone jumped on me and kicked me in the head. No one gets away with that … I have people working on it, I’ll find out who it was and when I leave here, there will be a dead body comin’ in. No one kicks me in the head and gets away with it. I’m gonna sort yer man out … but can I ask a question?’
Nurse: ‘Go ahead.’
Patient: ‘How come every time I come in here, yous put a security guard at the end of me bed?’
Made in Blackrock
A girl in Blackrock Shopping Centre: ‘They say money doesn’t buy you happiness but I’d rather cry wearing Abercrombie & Fitch and sitting in a Lexus.’
When the dog has better manners than the owner
Overheard at a block of flats on North Strand: a landlord arguing with a tenant; the tenant is holding her Yorkshire terrier. The exchange went as follows:
Landlord: ‘Your dog peed in my lift!’
Girl: ‘He didn’t!’
Landlord: ‘He did!’
Girl: ‘He didn’t, it was me … now feck off!’
Eco-friendly
In Spar in Clondalkin. Two girls are talking about how expensive bin charges are: ‘Sure my Ma just flushes most of the rubbish down the toilet, except the bulky stuff.’
Touchy subject
A Moore Street vegetable stallholder says to a lady, ‘Would ya stop touching the carrots! They’re not your man’s willy, they won’t get any bigger!’
Freebie
On Amiens Street. A group of girls spot a lad eating an ice-cream with about four large scoops: ‘Here, youngfella, give us a lick of your balls!’
Smooth operator
Outside a beauty salon on Parnell Street: a beautician is on a smoke break, when a taxi driver yells over to her, ‘Here luv, will ya wax me hairy hole!’
Mind the gap
A girl on the Dart says to her friend, ‘I don’t understand why they have doors on both sides.’
Girls’ night out
Outside the Gresham Hotel a woman shouts to her friends, ‘Goodbye! I’ll see ya later when I’m off me tits!’ One of the friends replies, ‘Good on ya woman!’
Beemer girl
I was at a petrol station in Dalkey, and there was a young girl, aged about 19 or 20, filling up a brand new BMW X5. She finishes up and goes inside and as she is picking up her bottle of Evian, a guy comes up to her and says, ‘Is that your BMW X5 out there? It’s blocking my way.’ She doesn’t even look at him and casually replies, ‘Uhmm, I don’t think so, I drive a Beemer.’
Tissues and issues
Overheard from a toilet cubicle in McDonald’s: ‘Jaysus, it’s like pulling tissue paper out of a cat’s arse!’
If you gotta go, you gotta go
On the Luas to Tallaght. It has been stopped at the Four Courts for about ten minutes.
Overheard the following exchange:
Man: ‘Jaysus, I’m dying to go for a p*ss!’
Woman: ‘Go outside and do it on the back of the tram.’
The man goes outside. About 20 seconds later.
Woman: ‘Jaysus, hurry up, the doors are closing!’
The man jumps on while zipping up.
Woman: ‘Dah was close!’
Man: ‘I know, but it’s still trickling down me leg.’
At that moment I remembered why I love this city.
Saxon blood
While at a meeting in a Dublin rugby club, one guy turned to the other guy and said, ‘Gosh, Collie, you must have Protestant blood in you, you have a hell of a tan at the moment.’
Dripping the light fandango
Overheard in the ladies bathroom in Buskers Bar:
‘Hurry up Jacinta!’
‘Will ya wait for f**k’s sake, me fandango is still wet!’
Maid in McDonald’s
A D4 guy asks his girlfriend in a crowded McDonald’s, ‘OMG babes, squeeze this spot for me? It’s totes painful.’
Hovering
In The Wright Venue, Swords. A girl hovers over the toilet. Her friend asks, ‘Why are ya hoverin’?’ The girl replies, ‘I can’t sit on that, there’ll be STIs bleedin’ crawlin’ down me legs!’
Totes embarrassing
In Kielys of Donnybrook.
Barman: ‘What do you want?’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly wannabe: ‘Can you give me a pint of Heino and a G’n’T for the dolly?’
Great investment
Overheard today: ‘Yeah, borrowed seven quid off me Ma for the cinema, spent it on six cans of Dutch and got f**ked!’ (The future is in good hands!)
Future mum of the year
Pregnant woman (with can!): ‘Ah Jaysus, it’s gonna be fifteen more weeks. Like watchin’ a kettle boil.’
Tea vs ride
A tired female party-goer on the Nitelink: ‘Ah the best thing in life is a cup of tea.’ A lad nearby goes, ‘You’ve obviously never had the ride, have ye?’
Righteous rugby
A D4 guy in Starbucks Blackrock discussing the previous night’s movie on RTÉ: ‘The worst thing about What Richard Did was that he let the St Mary’s senior cup team down!’
Allergies
A friend and I were waiting for a bus back to Ashbourne, when a young lad approached my friend with a plastic Centra bag full of obviously stolen Lynx deodorant cans.
Lad: ‘Ya wanna buy some Lynx?’
My friend (a little nervous): ‘No thanks, I’m allergic to the spray.’
Lad (quick as a flash): ‘Yeah … are ya allergic to knuckles?’
Stylist
A woman on Abbey Street shouting to another woman wearing very short shorts: ‘Sorry, love, your arse cheeks are hanging out!’
Helpful
On the Nitelink. Some fella is puking outside. His girlfriend, who is on the bus, says, ‘Come on, you can get sick on the bus!’
Calorific
In Kielys of Donnybrook. A young rugger hugger looking for Bulmers Light pushes her way to the front of the maul and says, ‘Borrman, two Diet Bulmers, please!’
Consumer Affairs
Four-seat toaster
In Power City.
Sales assistant: ‘What make of toaster are you looking for, luv?’
Woman: ‘I don’t care as long as it’s a four-seater; I’m fed up with queuing every morning!’
About as cultured as a yoghurt!
Sales assistant at Abercrombie & Fitch: ‘We don’t just sell clothes, we sell culture.’
Fat cat
Two ladies chatting in SuperValu:
Lady 1: ‘Did you know Mars make Whiskas?’
Lady 2: ‘Really? I guess that explains why my cat is so fat!’
The curtain whisperer
Two men are looking at curtains in IKEA. One of them says, ‘I can’t decide, those curtains just don’t really speak to me.’
A decent pint
At Dundrum Town Centre, a girl is trying on a tube top dress with a cream band around the top. Her boyfriend says, ‘A Jesus love, you look like a pint of Guinness in that!’
The walking barcode
In Dunnes Stores, a man who forgot his clubcard says to the cashier, ‘Do you know what, luv, I’m thinking of getting the barcode tattooed on my hand!’
This is no ordinary supermarket
In Marks & Spencer, Dundrum. A member of staff shouts to a colleague for help. His colleague replies, ‘Stop shouting, this isn’t Lidl!’
The other half
In NEXT menswear, a man trying on a shoe asks the assistant, ‘Do ye have the correspondence to that?’
Duh!
In the Nike Factory Store in Blanchardstown.
Girl: ‘It’s all Nike!’
Curtains
In Penneys.
Girl: ‘Look at dem leggings’
Nan: ‘Jaysus, you’d look like you’re wearin’ a pair of curtains!’
Spudnik
On my lunch break, I popped into the local SuperValu to buy a sandwich. I went to the self-service checkout and there was a fella in front of me paying for his items. He was doing a ‘weigh and pay’ and couldn’t find the vegetable in the alphabetical option. An assistant came over and asked, ‘Are you okay?’ He said, ‘Yeah I can’t find spuds in the menu.’ The woman replies, ‘That’s because it’s under “p” for potatoes!’
Put her under pressure
In Penneys.
Woman: ‘I’ll be in the underwear section.’
Man: ‘Jaysus, you only bought knickers last week. I’m still wearing my Italia ’90 boxers!’
Forbidden fruit
In Penneys.
Young girl: ‘But Ma, why can’t I have them?’
Mother: ‘Because until you know why, you’ll not wear anything with “Juicy” spread across the arse.’
Do the maths