Other Superb Books by Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham
Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single
Can Black Women Achieve Marital Satisfaction? How Childhood Nurturing Experiences Impact Marital Happiness
A Black Woman’s Worth: My Queen and Backbone
A Black Man’s Worth: Conqueror and Head of Household
Ground-Breaking Films by Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham
A Black Man’s Worth: Conqueror and Head of Household
A Black Woman’s Worth: My Queen and Backbone
Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single
www.drbuckingham.com
Unconditional Love
Copyright © 2009, 2012 by Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photo-copying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.
Unless otherwise indicated, all scripture quotations are taken from the King James Version of the Bible.
To protect the confidentially and privacy of individuals who have shared their stories, identifiable information has been modified.
Additional copies of this book can be purchased on-line at www.realhorizonsdlb.com or by contacting:
R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, LLC
P.O. Box 2665
Silver Spring, MD 20915
240-242-4087 Voice mail
Expanding Horizons by keeping it “R.E.A.L.”
SECOND EDITION
Cover designed by Stephen Fortune
Library of Congress Control Number: 2011962625
ISBN: 978-0-9849423-7-4
Edited by Jennifer R. Jones
For Worldwide Distribution
Printed in the United States of America
Dedication
To every woman and man who desires to give and receive unconditional love.
Message to Women
Nurture your mind just as much as you nurture your heart. Do not allow your heart to do what your mind cannot handle. Learn to think, feel and do. Feeling and doing without thinking is a recipe for disaster. Love without regret. Do not hold grudges. Experience unconditional love and change your life. Discontinue the cycle of pain and bitterness and equip yourself with proper knowledge about how to love unconditionally; not blindly or foolishly.
Message to Men
Loves starts in the heart, not in the mind. You get what you give. Do not allow your mind to do what your heart cannot handle. Thinking and doing without feeling is a recipe for disaster. Love wholeheartedly without straddling the fence and experience unconditional love that will change your life. Expressing unconditional love for others enables them to do the same for you. Discontinue the cycle of fear and equip yourself with proper knowledge about how to love unconditionally; not apprehensively or fearfully.
My hope is to empower you to love unconditionally as you build and sustain heartfelt relationships.
I wrote the poem on the next page to inspire you. I hope that you enjoy your journey as you explore what it means to Love Unconditionally.
Love Unconditionally
I will give you my heart and not fight or flee
But only if you love me unconditionally
Love me for who I am, not who you want me to be
And I will always love you unconditionally
Don’t take my love for granted for it’s yours to keep
But only if you love me unconditionally
I will love you with all my heart and not resist what is to be
But only if you love me unconditionally
I am not perfect and have character flaws, as you may see
But love me for who I am, not who you want me to be
I have experienced pain and despair as you can see
But will give you my all, if you just love me unconditionally
To earn my love this is the way it has to be
And I apologize that I can’t give love like God which is
Unconditionally!
Acknowledgments
First and foremost, I would like to acknowledge my heavenly Father who loves me unconditionally and is the perfect role model for helping me understand how I should love others unconditionally.
Secondly, I would like to acknowledge my beloved and deceased mother, Arlene “Tot” Pettis, who was the first woman to show me what unconditional love means.
Third, I would like to thank my older siblings, Linda, Alma, Cynthia, Bonnie, David and Elisha for being my bedrock and inspiration. They loved me before I knew how to love myself. I would also like to give a special thanks to my younger brother, Dan for being my wingman and best friend as we ventured into manhood.
Fourth, I would like to thank my aunts and uncle Tiny, Louise and Bennie for showing me how to love those who did not love me or themselves.
Fifth, I would like to thank Jennifer Jones for spending numerous hours editing this manuscript and offering her insight. Her contribution was invaluable.
Sixth, I wish to express my appreciation for the work of Albert Ellis, Aaron Beck and Carl Rogers. Ellis and Beck were pioneers in the development of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and Rogers was a humanist who coined the term Unconditional positive regard. Unconditional positive regard is blanket acceptance and support of a person regardless of what the person says or does. As a psychotherapist, I use both approaches and have found them to be helpful in assisting couples with resolving personal and relational conflict.
Seventh, I would like to thank the thousands of individuals and couples with whom I have dialogued with in therapeutic, professional and personal settings over the past decade. Without their heartfelt perspectives this book would have less meaning.
Last, but not least, I would like to acknowledge and thank my God sent father, Dr. Richard Chiles for his spiritual guidance, wisdom and unconditional love. Thanks for being the father I never had.
What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship
PART ONE: UNDERSTANDING LOVE AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
1. What is Love and Why Does it Hurt?
2. What is Unconditional Love?
3. Discover Your Love Style
PART TWO: HOW TO GIVE AND RECEIVE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
4. The R.E.A.L. Concept
5. Strategy #1: Be Realistic
Relationships are 1% Love; 99% Work
6. Strategy #2: Develop Rational Expectations
Expectations Guide Behavior
7. Strategy #3: Maintain a Positive Attitude
Remove Negativity from your Mind and Heart
8. Strategy #4: Love without Limits
Don’t Be Afraid to Give Your All
PART THREE: SUSTAINING UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
9. Seek Marital and Spiritual Guidance
Become a Whole Person
10. Practice Loving Self Unconditionally
11. 99 Relationship Sustainment Strategies
APPENDICES
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE STOPPERS
Appendix 1 Abusive Love Characteristics
Appendix 2 Abuse Screening Questionnaire
Appendix 3 Defense Mechanisms
Over the past decade I have spent my professional life as a psychotherapist helping thousands of individuals search for happiness in their relationships. Some individuals seek therapy in an attempt to save relationships that are ending; while others seek therapy in an attempt to enhance relationships that are good, but could be better. Poor communication, disrespect and mistrust are commonly presented as contributors to relationship problems. However, after sorting through the presenting issues, we often discover that the lack of unconditional love in the relationship is the underlying problem. Pursuing unconditional love with little or no success is the cause of most failed or troubled relationships.
Whether you are married, engaged, dating or searching for your soul mate, the desire to be loved unconditionally is an underlying motive that ignites most of your thoughts and actions. If you desire unconditional love and believe that it can be achieved, you enter into relationships with honesty and excitement. However, if you desire unconditional love, but do not believe that it is achievable; you enter into relationships with apprehension and uneasiness. The second approach is chosen by most so that they can experience love at some level, but with a guarded heart.
Whether you are married, engaged, dating or searching for your soul mate, the desire to be love unconditionally is an underlying motive that ignites most of your thoughts and actions.
In pursuit of unconditional love, women and men exploit each other emotionally, physically, financially and sexually. This behavior is typically driven by two distinct mind-sets: “conditional love is better than no love at all” or “unconditional love is impossible”. Maintaining either mind-set positions individuals to accept whatever they can get or nothing at all; and, the drama that comes with building relationships based on conditional love is only prolonged or delayed.
Like you, I also have experienced the misfortune of being in chaotic relationships and have learned that most people just want to be loved for who they are, not who someone else thinks they are supposed to be. In therapy sessions, women and men regularly ask, “Is it too much to ask others to just love me for who I am. Is this too difficult for people to accept?” I often respond, “Apparently it is”. From birth we are taught that love is conditional. How many times have you heard or made one of the following comments:
• Be successful and I will love you even more.
• I love you, but do not upset me or I will leave.
• You do not have to love individuals who do not love you.
• I am not asking you to change, but if you love me you will.
• It is difficult for me to love people who act like that.
• Life is about giving and receiving. If you do not give love, do not expect to receive it.
As loving as most people desire to be, the majority do not understand that the comments they make or the behavior they exhibit daily affects their ability and the ability of others to receive and give unconditional love. The problem for most people is that they have become accustomed to nonsense and look for it in their relationships. As a child I remember my mother telling me to be careful about what I look for because I just might find it. She went on to say that if you look for trouble, trouble will find you. This is so true! I have discovered that most relationships are troubled because people look for trouble and place limits are how they will give love.
Increased feelings of doubt toward self and others cause individuals to reserve their love until they feel certain that they will not be hurt. However, they fail to realize that life offers no guarantees and those who operate in reserve mode: “I will not be hurt ever or again”- do not experience unconditional love or live life to the fullest.
In my career, I have yet to meet a woman or man who does not desire to be loved unconditionally. On the contrary, I have met many who desire unconditional love, but do not know how to receive or give it. Dismayed by this unfortunate occurrence, I began to pay closer attention to the beliefs women and men embrace about relationships. I found that women and men have different views and expectations about relationships, but share one mutual desire— to receive unconditional love. However, the realization of giving and receiving unconditional love seems impossible at times. False images and portrayals of what “attractive or successful” women and men look like continue to penetrate and cloud the minds of millions of good-hearted women and men. Attractive, beautiful and physically fit women and men are idolized. They frequently appear on popular magazine covers, have lead roles in major movies and possess the finer material things in life. Obsession over physical attraction, success, money and fame, has caused many individuals to devalue the “average” woman or man with a good heart.
When you think about what you truly desire or have most desired in your current or previous relationship, what comes to mind? What does your checklist of desirable qualities look like? The checklist below is a composite of the top desirable qualities reported by hundreds of individuals with whom I have dialogued with in therapy and social situations.
Someone I can get along with
Someone I can have fun with
Someone who is respectful and trustworthy
Someone who is easy to talk with
Someone who is sexually compatible with me
Someone who is good looking and physically fit
Someone who shares similar values, interests and goals
Someone who is ambitious and successful
Someone who has a good heart
Someone who is thoughtful
Someone who is spiritual and supportive
Someone who is forgiving and patient
Someone who is financially stable
Is this list familiar to you? Does it represent qualities that you prefer your mate to possess? Could you love someone who does not possess all or most of the qualities listed above? Could you love someone who possessed them initially, but changed? If you answered yes to both questions, you are destined to have a relationship filled with unconditional love and happiness.
Obsession over physical attraction, success, money and fame, has caused many individuals to devalue the “average” woman or man with a good heart.
After years of struggling to develop relationships built on unconditional love, I decided to examine my list of desirable qualities that I expect my mate to possess and discovered that it resembled the list above. I must say that I was slightly disappointed, but not surprised. After all, I had convinced myself to believe that anyone in their “right” mind would expect their potential mate to have similar qualities. However, after engaging in honest self-reflection it did not take long for me to figure out that the one quality that I truly desired the most was not on my list. Above and beyond all the other qualities, I like most desire to be with someone who will love me unconditionally. Realizing how important this quality is to me, I began to ask myself, why did I exclude it from my list? Was it a conscious or unconscious omission?
As I reflected on my life and the many hardships I have experienced and observed, I concluded at an early age that people cannot love each other unconditionally. This fundamental belief had become entrenched into my emotional reasoning bank. Year after year, I interacted with hundreds of individuals who validated it by displaying conditional love in their relationships. Continually confronted with this reality, I strongly believed that women and men were incapable of loving unconditionally so I decided to place conditions on how I would love others as well. However, as I matured and acquired spiritual knowledge about healthy relationships, I realized that unconditional love is possible and that my thinking and behavior was bordering on the edge of insanity. Year in and year out I failed to develop unconditional love in my relationships because I believed that I did not have to change how I loved. I continued thinking and behaving the same while expecting that unconditional love would somehow surface in my relationships. I knew my insane behavior was not effective, but justified it by telling myself that God knows the condition of my heart. He knows that I “must” have a beautiful wife who possesses all or most of my desirable qualities. I asked myself, “How could I expect anything less if God knows what I desire?” I continued this foolishness for years until I realized that my situation was not changing because the condition of my heart was not right. Let me further explain my dilemma.
Upon meeting women, I immediately placed them in categories prior to even getting to know them. If they were beautiful and physically attractive to me, I put them in the potential mate category. However, if they were average looking and not physically attractive in my opinion, I put them in the friend or see you later category. Sounds shallow right? I agree, now ask yourself how many times you have done the same. The problem with most of us is that our hearts are not centered on what God desires for us, but what we desire for ourselves. My dilemma continued because I persistently justified my insanity by using God’s grace as a crutch to judge and categorize women based on conditions. Finally, being the bright and spiritual man that I am, I realized that my thinking and behavior was incorrect because God does not love based on conditions. This simple yet powerful revelation caused me to re-examine my heart and reevaluate my list of desirable qualities. I eventually came to the realization that I could not depend on my emotions to guide me because they changed based on circumstances or conditions. For example, if I “felt” instant chemistry, I opened up; if I did not “feel” instant chemistry, I shut down. I definitely did not understand the meaning of unconditional love. I was on a quick path to being single forever.
I asked God to help me discern the difference between love and unconditional love and He did. Through prayer and fellowship with family and friends, I realized that I was placing too much emphasis on qualities that do not endure when adversity and conflict presents in relationships.
At moments in our lives we might possess some or all of the qualities listed earlier, but it is too difficult to possess all of them all of the time. Over time our minds and bodies deteriorate and the qualities that we believe to be of importance in our youth become less important as we mature. This understanding helped me recognize that the only true quality that will endure when faced with adversity, conflict and aging is unconditional love.
Over time our minds and bodies deteriorate and the qualities that we believe to be of importance in our youth become less important as we mature.
The truth is this, no one is perfect. Therefore our qualities change and develop as life throws different challenges our way. Sometimes we’re at our best and other times we are not. Are you the kind of person who desires to be with someone who is on top of his or her game all the time? If you answered yes, I can relate, but this kind of thinking is irrational and will not allow you to receive or give unconditional love. In fact, it will encourage others to wear their “new shoes” all the time despite the fact that their “old shoes” are more comfortable. What do I mean? Let me explain.
“New shoes” represents what each one of us desires to be or what we believe our potential spouse desires. “Old shoes” represents who we really are. Why do people play the shoe game? Glad you asked! If an individual feels that he or she cannot be him or herself in a relationship, the individual will send a representative who is flawless and wearing “new shoes”. However, if an individual feel that he or she can be him or herself, the individual will not send a representative, but will show up with their flaws visible-“old shoes”. The “shoe” game can be costly both financially and emotionally because some of us purchase “new” shoes frequently instead of working with or restoring our “old shoes”.