Collected Plays

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ISBN: 9781623098575

CAMPING WITH HENRY AND TOM:

"Witty, elegant and enormously entertaining. Literate, funny and captivating."

New York Daily News

"A wonderfully entertaining play full of thought and feeling. At the end you are aglow with pleasure".

New York Post

"Wit and Impudence. A drama of political ideas."

The Wall Street Journal

FORGIVING TYPHOID MARY:

"This true story lifted documentary into poetry. Part fevered memory, part aborted repentance."

Time Magazine

"Marvelous and unnerving. Funny. Hair raising"

The News Tribune

"Heart searing new drama. Powerful, devastating. A play of extraordinary relevance and moral force."

The Recorder

EARS ON A BEATLE:

"St. Germain balances the characters political and professional concerns and their human vulnerabilities to create a funny, deeply involving piece of theater."

New York Daily News

"Inspired by information from recently declassified FBI files, this well-paced, two man, one-act drama deftly mixes a wealth of intriguing historical information with the fictitious chronicle of two FBI agents assigned to monitor Lennon's activities. With "Ears On A Beatle", St. Germain has created both a character study and a compelling ethical/political exploration."

"Ears On A Beatle is not a docudrama; rather, St. Germain focuses on the questions that plague the national imagination in relation to the assassinations of world leaders and celebrities from Kennedy to Lennon. Where do you draw the line between coincidence and conspiracy?"

PREFACE

Why would Thomas Edison and Henry Ford take along Warren G. Harding on their annual camping trip? What were in the minds of the FBI agents assigned by J. Edgar Hoover to shadow John Lennon? Why would a New York City Court allow the quarantined Mary Mallon, also known as "Typhoid Mary", to leave the facilities at North Brother Island to work at the Sloane Hospital for women where she would infect twenty five more victims and cause two deaths?

Writing a play is solving a mystery. The questions above prompted my writing CAMPING WITH HENRY AND TOM, EARS ON A BEATLE, and FORGIVING TYPHOID MARY (Also known as PLAGUE OF ANGELS). Each one was a challenge to come up with answers.

Many of the plays I've written involve historical characters. They're the best company, and they better be, since they'll be company for the months it takes to research and write about. It's often said that truth is stranger than fiction, but truth is in the eye of the beholder. These plays are my take on the truth and the personalities they involve. A combination of facts and fiction when interpreting those facts through dialogue. Fact, fiction, "faction" – the technique of dramatizing history.

I've had the great pleasure of seeing CAMPING, FORGIVING TYPHOID MARY and EARS performed on stage with wonderful Actors and talented Directors. Different productions invariably lead to different, and exciting, perspectives. And as everyone who works in theater knows, the show is a different one every night because each audience is different. The reward is that audience's reaction. The hope that those watching feel that the story they're told is worth the time they've invested in it.

I hope that you, their newest audience, consider these stories time well spent.

Mark St. Germain

CAMPING WITH HENRY AND TOM

CAMPING WITH HENRY AND TOM premiered at the Berkshire Theater Festival in 1993 directed by Paul Lazarus. Julianne Boyd was the BTF's Artistic Director. It was then produced in New York at the Lucille Lortel Theater produced by Daryl Roth, Wind Dancer Theater and Randall L. Wreghitt in association with Lucille Lortel.

The actors who have played the parts have been wonderful to watch both rehearse and perform. Robert Prosky created the role of Thomas Edison, John Cunningham did the same for Henry Ford and both Ralph Waite and Ken Howard performed as Warren G. Harding. Colonel Edmund Starling was played by John Prosky.

Camping With Henry and Tom is a fiction suggested by facts. That President Harding went camping with Henry Ford and Thomas Edison is fact; their evening "escape" from the media-packed campsite is fictional. Conversations are invented but based on events, documented personal philosophies and the political climate of the time. What is indisputable is that Warren G. Harding is a man who never wanted to be President of the United States, Henry Ford is a man who did, and that after their many annual expeditions this was Thomas Edison's last camping trip with Henry Ford.

CAMPING WITH HENRY AND TOM

CHARACTERS:

HENRY FORD, Industrialist, age fifty eight

WARREN G. HARDING, Twenty-ninth President of the United States, age fifty six

THOMAS ALVA EDISON, Inventor, age seventy four

COLONEL EDMUND STARLING, Secret Service Agent, age thirty five

TIME:

July 24, 1921

PLACE:

The woods outside Licking Creek, Maryland

ACT ONE

(A small clearing surrounded by woods. It is early evening, and in the twilight we hear the sound of an approaching MODEL "T" TOURING CAR, and a voice shouting above it's motor to be heard)

FORD (OFF STAGE)

It's the truth, like it or not: study the history of any criminal and you'll find a cigarette smoker!

(There is a rustling in the upstage bushes as the voice grows louder.)

A man comes to me for a job, I grab his hand, pump "how do you do", and check his fingers for nicotine! Yes, sir! Some folks can't wait to get a head start on their fire and brimstone! They'd be puffing away if Lucifer himself was handing out matches!

(Abrupt movement in the foliage as an unseen deer bolts through the wooded area from stage right to left and offstage)

EDISON (OFF STAGE)

HENRY!

HARDING (OFF STAGE)

LOOK OUT!

(SOUND OF OFFSTAGE THUD as the MODEL T hits the DEER, a squeal of breaks, and then the MODEL T crashes into sight; we see the FRONT END of it as it collides with a tree, throwing the MEN in it forward: THOMAS EDISON, PRESIDENT WARREN, G. HARDING and HENRY FORD, driving. HARDING, the youngest man, collects himself first)

HARDING

Is anyone hurt? Mr. Edison?

(EDISON sits up in the backseat)

EDISON

I don't know yet. Except that I'm a damn sight better than that deer.

HARDING

Mr. Ford?

FORD

(Disgusted) Aw shit.

EDISON

(Can't hear) Say again?

FORD

"Aw shit"!

EDISON

Mr. Ford is fine.

HARDING

(To EDISON) Let me help you down, Sir.

FORD

Why didn't the deer keep running? He just stood there gawking at us!

HARDING

Maybe he never saw a car before.

(FORD climbs down and inspects the car)

FORD

Where the hell's he been? That four-legged son-of-a bitch cracked our block!

HARDING

I'd better take a look at him.

(HARDING EXITS)

EDISON

Well, Henry. You are the first man in history to try to assassinate a president with wildlife.

FORD

I tried to turn! The deer could have moved, couldn't he, or jumped into the bushes? I think the damn animal was suicidal!

(HARDING RETURNS)

HARDING

He's still alive. He's stretched out in the dirt, gasping for breath. It's horrible. He keeps staring at me with those big wet eyes.

EDISON

Looking for Henry, I suspect.

HARDING

I don't know what we can do. Maybe one of you should take a look at him.

(EDISON and HARDING look at FORD)

FORD

Aw shit.

(FORD EXITS)

HARDING

Look at me, I'm still shaking. Such a beautiful animal. How a hunter could ever shoot such a magnificent beast for sport is beyond me.

EDISON

A kind of jealousy, I suspect. Or irresistible odds.

HARDING

"Odds"?

EDISON

That the deer won't shoot back.

HARDING

I admire your calm, sir.

EDISON

It's not calm, it's contemplation. I'm appreciating the fact the deer isn't staring at us in the dirt.

(FORD RETURNS)

FORD

I don't know why he's not dead! We hit him hard enough to kill my car!

HARDING

Maybe we should put him out of his misery.

FORD

With what? I don't have a gun, do you?

HARDING

No. But we've got to do something!

EDISON

Push the car out for another run at him?

HARDING

Pardon me.

(HARDING rushes off)

FORD

Where's he going?

EDISON

To regurgitate, I expect.

FORD

Don't blame the deer on me! I wasn't driving faster than five miles an hour.

(EDISON settles down on a log)

EDISON

Your mouth was doing twice that.

FORD

Somebody had to make conversation! Not all of us can pretend we're stone deaf rather than make small talk. You can't ignore him all weekend! He's the President!

EDISON

I didn't vote for him. Or invite him. And I won't call him "Mr. President".

FORD

Call him anything! But at least try to be sociable.

EDISON

How can I outdo you crashing him into a tree? Beat him awhile with a rock, maybe? I'm seventy four years old; I don't have much "sociability" left.

FORD

I'm just asking you to go easy on him.

EDISON

(Hand to ear) Say again?

FORD

(Serious) Go easy on him. For my sake.

EDISON

(Equally serious) Now that's something I would like to hear, Henry. Exactly what "your sake" truly is.

(HARDING strides back in)

HARDING

Colonel Starling has a gun.

(FORD AND EDISON STARE AT HIM)

HARDING (CONT.)

My Secret Service Man. As soon as he gets here, he can put the poor brute out of his misery.

EDISON

Be interesting to see who he shoots.

HARDING

(Confused) The deer. (Realizes) Oh, I see, you were making a joke!

EDISON

That's alright. Most of my inventions don't work either.

HARDING

I'm surprised the Colonel hasn't caught up to us already. I saw him jump into his car to follow us as we were pulling out of camp. He can't be too far back.

FORD

(Awkward) Well, Mr. President, the fact of the matter is that he couldn't have kept up with us.

HARDING

Why's that?

FORD

I pulled out his batt'ry wires.

EDISON

(Pause) I didn't hear that.

HARDING

You did what?

FORD

We wanted to escape, didn't we? Get away from that mob at the campsite, snapping pictures every time we scratch ourselves? I thought we'd lead them all on a chase, get some time to ourselves, put a little adventure into this expedition, That's all.

EDISON

First you try to kill the man, then you kidnap him.

HARDING

Well, if this isn't a hoot!

(HE LAUGHS)

Can you imagine them all back there, running in circles, calling the White House!

(FORD tries to laugh with him; EDISON does not)

Mr. Ford, I only wish my wife had come along, so I could have left her, too!

FORD

Maybe Mrs. Harding can join us next time.

HARDING

Maybe not. The Duchess isn't one for roughing it.

EDISON

"Roughing It"? We have eight chauffeurs, five maids, seven cooks, twelve men to put up tents with floors and electricity, and orchids in every vase in these motor cars. What would luxury be like? Paying people to take our vacation for us?

FORD

But look at us now: surrounded by the genuine article. Real trees, real cold air in our lungs, real dirt under our feet-

EDISON

A real deer in the road.

FORD

An opportunity, that's what it is. An opportunity for all of

us to put our feet up and get to know each other.

EDISON

(Goes through his pockets) Where is my book…

HARDING

Colonel Starling would have commandeered another car, don't you think? And once the press boys found out…

FORD

There's probably a hundred flash monkeys combing the woods already. They're going to be pretty riled we snuck out from under them.

EDISON

I don't doubt we'll make up for it tomorrow. Spend all day smiling like baboons and posing like Davy Crockett.

FORD

So I say let's enjoy the wild while we can. What do you say, men? Birds, bugs and no damned humanity. Look at that stream, cool, beautiful water. If John Burroughs, bless his soul, was with us this year, he'd talk about that stream for hours: water oblivious to human beings. Glacier fresh, flowing forever. Feeding the creatures of the mountains, then the forests and the marshes, before it pours out to the sea and gets sucked back up in the air to roll down as rain all over again. That's nature for you. That's God on the ball. Just think of it: if I plunked down a hydroelectric plant right over that stream, can you imagine the power I could harness?

HARDING

(Pointed) Now Mr. Ford; we don't want to be talking business on holiday, do we? I know I don't.

(Turns away from Ford)

I came to bloviate. Eat, loaf, and enjoy this remarkable company.

(HARDING takes out a flask)

Gentlemen?

EDISON

No thank you.

FORD

I don't drink. You might as well soak your brain in turpentine.

HARDING

Unfortunately, with Prohibition, the good stuff is hard to find.

(EDISON opens his book)

EDISON

Chapter One…

HARDING

I've got to hand it to you, Mr. Edison. I never would have had the courage to read all through Bishop Anderson's sermon this afternoon. There we were, sitting like schoolboys trying to stay awake and look grim enough, and there's Mr. Edison stretched out under a tree with a newspaper.

FORD

I thought it was rude and insulting and tempting fate, on top of that. When it comes to your day of judgement, Mr. Edison, I hope God takes time out from his Sunday Times.

EDISON

I would have slept, but I'd never get to bed later. Used to sleep two-three hours at night, now I barely do that in a week. When I was younger, I used to like it; it gave me more time to think. The older I get I hate it; it gives me more time to think. There's your divine retaliation, Henry. I'll be dead and no one will be able to tell, I'll still be awake.

HARDING

Until I heard the Bishop, I never realized God was so personally concerned with my signing a total abstinence pledge. Do you believe in a God, Mr. Edison?

HARDING

A God, yes. It's his middlemen I have no faith in.

(Sound of bird)

FORD

(Listening) You hear that?

EDISON

No.

HARDING

The bird?

FORD

I thought it was my wife. That's how we call each other. I come into the house and give Clara one of these-

(FORD does a bird call)

And no matter what floor she's on, she'll let fly with one of these-

(HE does another)

EDISON

(Not looking up) We have cats at my house.

(HARDING LAUGHS)

FORD

Go ahead and poke fun. (To EDISON) I've seen you with Mrs. Edison, holding hands, tickling at each others palms.

(To HARDING)

They tap morse code to each other, can you picture that? Like lovesick telegraph operators.

HARDING

It's charming.

EDISON

It's practical. We can talk behind Henry's back.

FORD

You know what he nicknamed his first two children? Dot and Dash.

EDISON

From what I recall, we had to tap a little more than fingers to spell them out.

HARDING

(Laughs, but a bit too much) I am having a swell time. I truly am. I can see why you men come out here every year; get some time away with the boys.

(EDISON forces a smile, returns to book)

I can't tell you how much I appreciate the invitation, Mr. Ford.

FORD

Henry. Call me Henry.

HARDING

Frankly, "Henry", I don't know if I could get used to calling a genius by his first name.

EDISON

(Not looking up) Call me Mr. Edison. Henry does. It suits me fine.

FORD

Never called him anything else from the first day we met. I had just sold my first car for two hundred dollars; you remember that, Mr. Edison?

EDISON

(Turning a page) I trust your memory, Henry.

FORD

I spit ideas at him, couldn't stop myself, and he said "Young man, that's the thing! The self contained unit carrying it's own fuel! Keep at it!" That kept me going, don't you know.

HARDING

I would say so.

FORD

From then on, Mr. President, whenever I want anything, that's what I do. Keep at it, and keep at it some more. And I don't stop until I get it.

(HARDING turns away from FORD, strolling from the men)

HARDING

I have to say when I got your letter, the prospect of spending time with two such famous men was more than a little intimidating.

FORD

How can you say such a thing? You're the President of the United States.

(EDISON looks over his book at FORD, raising his eyebrows; FORD shrugs)

HARDING

That's the voters doing, not mine. But the man who gave us the automobile? The man who gave us the lightbulb, the phonograph? Mr Edison, when I was a boy, you were no less a hero to me than Caesar or Napoleon.

EDISON

Dead heroes are always the wiser choice.

(HARDING laughs; EDISON goes back to his book)

HARDING

Henry, you'll appreciate this. Last week I slipped out of the White House to go down to the Gaiety Burlesque. They have a special box for me there: All covered up with a hole I can peek through and wave at the girls without anyone in the theater seeing me.

Well, they had a special feature that night, a Charlie Chaplin motion picture. "The Kid", have you seen it yet? You've got to. It's a charmer.

(EDISON is burning, FORD apprehensive)

That Chaplin fella gets you coming and going; I was laughing and wiping the tears from my eyes and I sat there thinking: "Next week I will be shaking the hand of the man who created moving pictures."

(EDISON snaps his book shut)

EDISON

I don't want talk about moving pictures!

FORD

Mr. Edison has had his legal problems over the years-

HARDING

(Trying to back off) I'm sorry to hear it-

EDISON

I don't want to talk about lawsuits, either. Their the suicide of time. And I don't want to discuss patents, judges, or the fairy tale of justice.

HARDING

Still, no matter what disappointments there've been; when you consider how much good you've done-

EDISON

I'm not a philanthropist, Sir, I'm an businessman. I measure success by the size of the silver dollar. Because the last time I checked, "Goodness" wasn't bankable. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a bladder to empty.

(EDISON EXITS behind trees)

HARDING

(Pause) I seem to have stepped on the lion's tail.

FORD

I don't understand it myself. A man who's accomplished so much. You could fill a museum with all he's created, and between you and me, someday I will.

(EDISON YELLS OUT FROM THE BUSHES)

EDISON

I DON'T WANT A DAMN MUSEUM!

HARDING

How could he hear that?

FORD

He's got sneakys ears.

(EDISON storms out, ZIPPING HIMSELF)

EDISON

You know when I invented moving pictures? Forty years ago! And since then I've been re-inventing everything I already did before I was thirty six while the whole world sticks its hands in my pockets and robs me blind! I don't need your goddamn museum, Henry, I'm already a museum! Now change the subject so I can urinate!

(EDISON goes back into the woods; FORD and HARDING move across the clearing)

HARDING

(Pause) Do you golf?

FORD

Can't say I do. Something about chasing after a little white ball. I tried it once. Felt like a dog throwing my own stick. By the time I got to the third hole, I just grabbed the ball and threw it right down into the hole.

HARDING

I see.

FORD

My son, Edsel, he likes to golf alright. But Edsel would. Trailing around with a group of men, tramping from Hole One to Two to Three like everybody else. That's Edsel.

HARDING

It must be wonderful to have your own son working with you. And to take along on trips like this-

FORD

Not much of a choice. I can't leave him at the plant by himself.

HARDING

(Pause) Isn't he running the company?

FORD

He's only the President. And if I didn't keep my eyes on things there'd be no company to run. Last time I went on vacation and left 'em to themselves, I came back and found a whole new car waiting for me. Whole new design, a new color; all done behind my back while the cat's away. I didn't say a word. Just walked around the car a half dozen times with all of them watching me. Then I opened the door, grabbed it in both hands and tore it off its hinges. I took off my shoe and beat in the windshield, and kicked in the headlamps and the grill and every shiny red panel.

FORD (CONT.)

And when that car was scattered all over the factory floor, I kicked a piece right at Edsel and his "managers" who couldn't even manage to hop out of the way. And I said 'Gentlemen; you can have any color you want, as long as it's black.' And you know what Edsel said?

HARDING

No.

FORD

Nothing. What he always says. He just swallows it, and pats his men on the back like he's their nanny, not their boss.

Emerson was right: "He who sits on the cushion of advantage goes to sleep." A man who is pushed, a man who gets tormented and defeated, that's a man who has a chance to learn something.

HARDING

That could be.

FORD

A man like yourself.(Pause) I've been following your career, Mr. President. Absolutely fascinating.

HARDING

I wouldn't say that.

FORD

Teacher, insurance man, newspaper editor. And now President of the U.S. of A.

HARDING

It is the land of opportunity, isn't it, Henry?

FORD

Yes it is. And you've taken advantage of so many along the way.

(HARDING looks at him)

You don't have to be modest. I did my homework. My boys at the plant, my "Sociology Department", they're regular bloodhounds, they are. That's their job: personnel. Find out everything there is to know about a man. So when I told them I requested the pleasure of your company on our camping trip, they went right after your trail. The whole Department did.

HARDING

And what did your dogs find, Henry?

FORD

They filled my ears, Warren. They filled them full.

(EDISON ENTERS, ANNOYED)

EDISON

I can't piss in these woods! It's getting so dark I can't see a thing! Some little animal could hop right up when you lean over a bush!

FORD

I can turn the headlights on.

EDISON

And then what, sell tickets? Forget it; I can't coordinate the operation anyway. My body is conspiring against me. I think certain pieces of my anatomy resent the fact I'm still alive and they're working overtime without a contract.

HARDING

Maybe we should try hiking back.

FORD

I can't say for sure which way is back. Now that's the west, that's where the sun's set. But I don't know which way the camp is, and we made so many turns…

HARDING

Washington is North.

FORD

You can't walk to Washington!

EDISON

(Sits) You two go ahead. And send a car back for my carcass.

(SOUND OF THRASHING BRANCHES)

HARDING

What's that?

(EDISON stands and looks)

EDISON

The deer. Alive and kicking.

HARDING

Good God. We can't leave him suffering like this.

FORD

Nothing we can do about it.

HARDING

We can hit him with something. Put him out of his misery.

(They look around; FORD pulls up a rock no bigger than a fist)

FORD

This should do it.

EDISON

I've got liver spots bigger than that rock.

HARDING

Is there anything in the car we could use?

(HARDING starts to go through the trunk of the car)

Here's a tent stake. (Puts it back) A lantern! That's good. A hat-

EDISON

You want to disguise yourself when you clobber him?

HARDING

(Pulls out a crate) Looks like we've got some food in here! A whole case full.

EDISON

Best news I've heard all day.

FORD

Pounded Carrots.

HARDING

A case of Pounded Carrots?

FORD

They're good for you! Smartest food there is for your heart and eyes.

EDISON

What do you have for my stomach?

HARDING

What's this? An old cylinder phonograph!

(Pulls out an old wind up machine)

FORD

(Irritated) That's a gift for Mr. Edison. A surprise gift. (To Edison) It's one of your Vitaphones. We got it back to mint condition.

HARDING

(Pulling out cylinders of music) Songs, too. Gilbert and Sullivan! Enrico Carusso!

EDISON

Perfect. The deer can expire to "Puccini".

(FORD pulls out a tire rod)

FORD

Here's a tire rod. We can knock him out with this.

EDISON

(Rubbing his arms) You have a blanket in there?

HARDING

Maybe we should get a fire going. It would keep us warm and signal we're here.

EDISON

Excellent idea.

FORD

When I was a boy, I could get a fire going in two shakes of

a lamb's tail. All I need's a piece of flint and a pile of tinder.

EDISON

You don't even need that. Get a stick, notch a piece of wood, and rub the stick between our hands 'till we get a spark going.

FORD

If I can find the right rock, this will be quicker.

EDISON

The kindling temperature for wood is only 469 degrees. And

if we can locate some birch it wouldn't take any time at all.

(EDISON and FORD begin to look for sticks and wood. HARDING pulls a match out of his pocket)

HARDING

I've got a match.

FORD

(Accusatory) You're a cigarette smoker?

HARDING

No, no. But I like an occasional cigar.

EDISON

And I like to keep the ice clots out of my blood. Bring it over here.

(FORD, EDISON pile their twigs and kindling together)

FORD

We'll have a fire roaring in no time.

HARDING

They'll spot us for sure now.

FORD

What say I splash some gasoline on it first?

EDISON

You want to blow us back to camp?

(FORD tries lighting match; it goes out)

FORD

Aw shit. (Tries another) Aw shit.

EDISON

Let me try it.

FORD

Here! Got it, got it, aw shit.

EDISON

You've got to cover the flame!

FORD

I did, didn't you see me? I burned my hand!

HARDING

Men? Why don't we light the lantern first, and start the fire from that.

(FORD and EDISON look at each other, embarrassed they didn't think of it)

FORD

That could work.

EDISON

We have one match left.

FORD

Mr. Edison?

(EDISON reluctantly takes it, lights the match. Bending over irt, he lights the lantern as all hold their breath)

EDISON

Here she goes…come on, come on.Yes!

(The light catches. FORD and HARDING cheer, clap EDISON on his back)

EDISON (CONT.)

I don't want anyone to ever hear about this.

HARDING

We need more kindling.

(FORD picks up the book EDISON was reading)

EDISON

Put it down, Henry.

FORD

(Looking at title) Sir Arthur Conan Doyle…

HARDING

A mystery! I love 'em.

FORD

"The World of the Supernatural".

EDISON

It's a mystery why he wrote it. Sherlock Holmes couldn't find one clear thought in it.

HARDING

Then why are you reading it?

EDISON

It's the only kind of human folly I still enjoy. The kind I can toss across the room whenever I'm sick of it.

FORD

(Excited) You're building it, aren't you?

EDISON

I didn't say that, Henry.

FORD

You're thinking about it, then. Admit it!

HARDING

Building what?

FORD

I've been after Mr. Edison for years to invent a machine to contact the dead.

HARDING

(Stunned) Gosh. Isn't that nice.

EDISON

We can't build a fire, and the man thinks I can find an afterlife.

FORD

If anybody can communicate with the great beyond, you can.

EDISON