NS PUBLISHING GROUP
Copyright © 2012 by Nathan Salter
All rights reserved
Published by NS Publishing Group
This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise—without prior written permission of the publisher, except as provided by United States of America copyright law.
Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are from the King James Version of the Bible.
Names and identifying details in this book have been changed to protect the identity of individuals concerned. Any resemblance to individuals known to the reader are coincidental.
International Standard Book Number: 978-1-62407-628-2
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER 1
Get to Know Who You Really Are Before Marriage
CHAPTER 2
Get Healed From All Past Soul Ties and Past Hurts
CHAPTER 3
Learn to Raise Your Personal Value Before Marriage
CHAPTER 4
Train Yourself to Be Committed Before Marriage
CHAPTER 5
Learn to Love Yourself Before Marriage
CHAPTER 6
Learn How to Date Smart Before Marriage
CHAPTER 7
Become Financially Free Before Marriage
CONCLUSION
A Personal Word of Encouragement From the Author
POPULAR FACEBOOK & TWITTER QUOTES
Every human being born on this planet, has to go through a season in his or her life called “singleness.” In this season most people fail to see how singleness is the most important stage of any human being’s life. In this stage many are blinded to all the opportunities one may have in this season and are heavily distracted with what is missing.
Today there are more frustrated singles than ever before in history. To try to end this frustration, many have felt that getting married would solve the problem—only to find out that once married, the two are more frustrated living a life together till death do them part. I believe the reason the divorce rate is at an all-time high is simply because most singles before marriage will not allow God their Creator to take them individually through their process of preparation.
As simple as this next statement may seem, there is truth to it on many levels that could help you understand the process of preparation that I speak of. For instance, one morning as I enjoyed a wonderful bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios for breakfast, God began to speak to my heart about marriage. First He directed my attention to the bowl and then revealed to me the two different substances in the bowl. One substance was the milk, and the other was the Honey Nut Cheerios. He then began to show me that the reason I was able to enjoy my breakfast was simply because each substance went through its own individual process to become what it was in the bowl.
Here’s a quick glance of the process: Before the milk is ready for use, it is first taken from a cow. The milk is pasteurized, and then it is stored in a bottle or a cart until it’s ready for distribution. Before the box of Cheerios is ready, it is first taken from whole-grain wheat, which is then crushed through many machines. Then there are many flavors and items added to make it taste the way it does. After that it is baked and trimmed into the circle-shape substance that we call Cheerios. What God showed me is that there are many marriages that have COWS and WHEAT jumping in the same bowl together before being processed. In essence, what I am saying here is if you were presented with a bowl that seemingly had all the ingredients of Honey Nut Cheerios to be an enjoyable breakfast, but only contained a cow and wheat in it, you would immediately reject it because it had not completed its process to be ready for consumption.
I believe singles should first find contentment and happiness being single before ever entering into a covenant relationship with another individual. The enemy of our souls wants to make more cows and wheat jump into the same bowl (marriage), which will lead to a frustrated and unenjoyable marriage. Although this book is entitled Seven Things Singles Should Accomplish Before Marriage, I wanted to start by sharing this example because many singles are being distracted with loneliness and discouragement, and they are not capitalizing off of what they could be doing to enjoy this journey until marriage.
Have you ever been asked, “What is your definition of marriage?” This is a valid question asked of many singles. The responses are overwhelmingly different and at times shocking. The truth is, marriage is a beautiful institution between a man and a woman who have made a commitment to each other. I have been looking forward to experience the awesome journey of marriage with the “special” woman whom God has chosen
for me. Of course, just like many single men, I too have expectations of my future spouse and what she will be like so I am able to recognize her when I see her. Once in the past I was very close to making the decision to get married. I felt that I “loved” this person and that it was the normal and right thing to do. Since taking a class on marriage and family, I began to be exposed to my definition of marriage and to what really goes on once “I do” is said. After some weeks in the class reality smacked me in the face. Soon after I observed couples jumping out of marriage, and it really made me slow down. I decided to educate myself on this whole “marriage thing,” so I started a survey. Initially the survey was not intended for a book but to get insight of the different perspectives on marriage.
While conducting a six-year survey, I asked many married couples about sharing their true feelings on the reality of marriage. Over 80 percent of couples shared with me that they married too soon and that they would have waited to know more about the individual and about marriage. Shockingly, some shared that they may have married the wrong individual. Many have shared their unhappiness due to their unpreparedness for marriage. There are several reasons people may get married. Some get married because of unplanned situations, such as having a baby together before marriage, but did not love the individual; others got married because their parents or some other major influence drove them to believe that it was the “right thing” to do. As I learned more about factors that may influence a marriage to take place, I also discovered the top three things that destroy marriages: sex, communication, and money. There were many other factors, but these three have been confirmed through most of the couples and stand out the most in troubled relationships.
In addition, it’s important for me to note that in no way am I saying that once singles allow God to process them like the Cheerios example, we are finished with our life’s process; what I am saying is that I believe once each substance goes through its individual process of being single, then they both have to learn how to share the same bowl together in marriage. For instance, the principles of the process for each individual would have already been laid prior to coming together in the same bowl. It made me ask more questions such as why many singles are anxious to leave the season of singleness and jump into the next season of marriage with eagerness. I found in doing the survey that couples unanimously have shared that marriage is a lot of work. It takes two people who want to make it work. It will not happen automatically.
If the Cheerio analogy is still not coming together in your thought process and not making sense, here’s another analogy that should bring more clarity to any confusion.
The CEO of a company is sending you a check for $100,000, and you are expecting it to arrive in the mail. After a period of waiting, the mailman finally delivers the check that was sent. Would you praise the mailman and begin to hug and celebrate him, or would you thank the CEO of the company? You should appreciate the mailman for bringing the gift to you, knowing that he’s just doing his job. Now realistically, God is the one sending you the gift through your mate. The check, which is the gift, symbolizes joy, peace, and happiness. God wants us to thank Him for the gift and not worship the deliverer of the gift. He wants us to appreciate the one He uses to bring the gift, but what people sometimes do is put more appreciation on the one whom God uses to bring us the gift than the gift giver. Your future mate is the mailman in this story, but God is the supplier of the gift. Also, know that the enemy of our purpose will send gifts as well, which is why we need to be able to trust God’s direction and know when the gift is from Him or when it is a counterfeit.
One thing we as singles should realize is that if there is depression, loneliness, bitterness, no discipline, and anger present in our lives, our future mates will receive these negative traits from us; but if there is happiness, contentment, joy, and peace, then these traits will be transferred to our mates. I believe that God wants singles to be full of His love, His purpose, His passion, and His life in order to be a whole person. I used to be so frustrated being single that my hope of happiness was put on someone being in my life to make me happy, but that’s when God revealed to me that I was not processed right. In this revelation it became clear that until I found happiness within my relationship with God, I would be disappointed in any relationship that I would pursue. Let me say this; it is unfair to put the responsibility of making you happy on someone else. That is one of the most fundamental traits you need for yourself. Until I began to love and respect myself and learned to go to God for my fulfillment, I was always looking to another person to help fill that void. Subsequently in the end I found that everyone has the same need.
I wanted to share this because as singles we need to have a reality check of what is really going on in our next season or door of opportunity. I first would like to thank all the couples who were transparent in their relationships to help singles like myself avoid making poor choices. Please note that in sharing my experience, I am not sharing my findings to heighten the discouragement of marriages in order to make singles look good, but because many couple have realized that they have made lifelong commitments to individuals who were not fully processed. I applaud and appreciate all the couples who are fighting every day to keep God’s ordained union together. I know from the many who have shared that there are many challenges marriages face today, which is why I believe singles need to get their eyes off marriage, put their eyes on the Lord, and allow Him to process them thoroughly. There is a statement that my senior pastor shares with his congregation, and it always rings true when he says it: “You can’t give what you don’t have.” That is a powerful statement that is valid on many levels. Our perspective is backward when it comes to relationships and singleness. I made up in my mind to skip the middleman and go to the manufacturer for my fulfillment and my purpose.
In this season of singleness our focus is on all the many things God has purposed for our lives. I pray that after you read this book and follow chapter by chapter, you begin to see that there are many advantages to the season of singleness. While you are being processed, I truly believe He is also processing your spouse whom He ordained to be in your life.
One day some years ago I had the privilege of enjoying a day with a wonderful married couple, John and Sarah (not their real names). Since I had some quality time with this wonderful couple, I decided to ask them questions about marriage. One question that stirred a great conversation was: What are some things being married have taught you that singleness did not? Amazed at my question, Sarah responded, “Marriage takes a lot of work.” John added that marriage exposes you to who you really are. Shocked by the statement, I asked John to explain. He went on to say, “When I was single, I thought for myself, and I had no one to challenge the real me on a day-to-day basis. I lived alone, and I could do what I want, when I wanted, and behave how I wanted. I did not have to think about anyone but me. Then after getting married and having to live day by day with someone else’s opinion and ways of doing things, it really brought out a side of me that I never knew was there.”
Sarah quickly agreed with John and shared how many singles don’t spend enough time finding out who they really are before getting married.
Once I received this information from John and Sarah, I left that day really asking myself, “Nathan, who are you really?” This is the question that began my journey as a single man in the pursuit of getting to know myself and who I am. I believe after reading this chapter you will see that there is so much more about you that you are not aware of in regard to who you are and your makeup.
Have you ever asked yourself questions like: “Why was I born? Why do I like certain things and dislike others?” And the number question most singles ask, “Is there someone special just for me?”
If you have not asked these questions, then I will encourage you after you read this chapter to ask yourself these questions and really think about them. We are all different, and though there may be others who may have your exact name, they will never match your fingerprints. When God made you, He only made one original you.
I would like to share with you four words that will be discussed in this chapter: purpose, assignment, course, and destination.
I found that once I asked myself, “Why was I born?”, that questioning directed me to the fact that everything is born and made for a purpose. Every individual whom I have met who truly loves life and is happy is one who has discovered his or her purpose for existing. It’s important to know that you, and I’m including myself here, were not born by accident or by mistake. Although there are some people who were born in devastating circumstances and situations, that does not erase the need for their existence on earth. Everything from the food we eat to the animals on earth has purpose. Before marriage, as a single person one should pursue their God-given identity for existing. Once this is discovered, you will then know who is not for you. Many singles do not know their purpose and find themselves going from relationship to relationship looking for someone else to fill their void of purpose. Purpose helps to narrow down friends, location, occupation, career, ministry, and your God-ordained mate.
Here’s an example of how purpose works. While in the airport waiting for my flight to Israel, I was looking for a pillow so I could rest comfortably as I flew twelve hours across the ocean. I came across a pillow that was compact in size and designed with the purpose of resting my neck. The creator of this awesome pillow first thought of the need, and then after thinking about the need came up with a solution. Once the solution was solved, the creator then made the product.
This is exactly how God looks at us. He did not make a person and then say, “Hmm, I need something to do with this individual.” He first saw a need. Then He had the solution (you), and then He made the product (your birth). You are here for something specific and for someone specific.
For instance, you may not be happy working at your current job; most likely it’s because it may not be your purpose. Ever wonder why the last relationship you were in was not successful? It’s possible that was not the person designed for you by your Creator. Anytime you try to discover your purpose apart from your Creator, you will quickly discover years of your life wasting away while you search for your purpose in life. There are many books written about purpose that will really change your life. I highly recommend reading Discovering Your Purpose by Dr. Myles Monroe and The Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren. Although this book is similar in some ways to the ones I’ve recommended, the ultimate goal is for you to understand not just knowing your purpose but also knowing whom you are going to marry and your purpose in the marriage as well as life. You may ask, “Why is that important?” It’s important because one day you or your spouse will die. Let’s say it’s your spouse who dies before you. Once your spouse is gone, you are still required by your Creator to fulfill your purpose. Your Creator doesn’t want you to die when your counterpart dies. If that happens, needless to say, you both fulfilled your purpose.
Always remember that you were made to do something specific. This is why you have the type of personality you have. This is why you had to be born to the parents you have with no choice in the matter. You had no say in how you would arrive to earth. That’s a sign that you were in the thoughts of God. You had to be born in the era in which you were. There was no need for you in the 1800s because your Creator saw a need for you at this time.
With that being said, the one your Creator has for you will fit right into your purpose, just as an ironing board was made for the iron; they both were made to complement each other. This is why the longer you delay discovering your purpose, the more difficult it will be for you to know the right person when he or she comes.
For years I worked at jobs to make ends meet, but something inside me would always say that if I could find what I am made to do naturally, I believe I will be happy. When I worked on jobs that were not in my purpose, the only time I recall being happy was when I received my paycheck. When I began to work in my purpose and do what I was called to do, I began to experience happiness in a way I didn’t before, and the paycheck became a benefit. Finding and exploring your purpose will bring fulfillment to your soul. Purpose motivates you to get up in the morning. Purpose removes low self-esteem. Purpose lets you see how valuable you are. Purpose lets you see how unique you are. Purpose gives you validation. Purpose also keeps you from marrying the wrong person! If you’ve never prayed before, take some time to ask God to reveal your purpose, and in His own way He will show it to you just as He did it for me.