Copyright © 2013 by Nicole C. Doyley

All rights reserved. This book is protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America. This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise—without prior written permission of the publisher, except as provided by United States of America copyright law. The use of short quotations or occasional page copying for personal or group study is permitted and encouraged.

Unless otherwise identified, Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION^®, NIV^®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2010 by Biblica, Inc.™

Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Published by

www.ruthscompany.org

Printed in the United States of America

ISBN: 978-9978-362-31-0

ISBN: 9789978362334

Contents

Foreword by J. Lee Grady

Introduction—The Wait

Part 1—Single and Fulfilled

Chapter 1—Ingredient #1: Believing You Have a Destiny Bigger Than Marriage

Chapter 2—Ingredient #2: Emotional and Spiritual Maturity

Chapter 3—Ingredient #3: A Life of Service

Chapter 4—Ingredient #4: Being Connected

Chapter 5—Ingredient #5: Enjoying Life

Part 2—Dating with Wisdom

Chapter 6—Those Persistent Longings

Chapter 7—Christian Dating and Courtship

Chapter 8—How Will You Know He’s the One?

Chapter 9—One Last Word on Sex

Chapter 10—Final Thoughts

Appendix—A Man Worth Waiting For (My List)

FOREWORD BY J. LEE GRADY

W hen I first met Nicole Doyley during a ministry trip to New Hampshire, her husband Marvin was not in the picture. Nicole was a talented single woman living near an Ivy League campus. She was smart and musically gifted. She was writing a book. She had natural leadership skills and was able to engage a crowd with her humor and biblical insights. She traveled internationally. I could tell this woman was going places!

But unfortunately for Nicole—and for so many other single Christian women like her—she struggled because the church doesn’t know what to do with gifted single females. Even though she had a position at her church, the ceiling was low and her options were limited. Most people assumed that Nicole would eventually discover her ultimate destiny only when her husband finally materialized.

After all, isn’t that what women do? They wait for the man of their dreams.

And so Nicole waited. And waited. And waited.

As Nicole tells the story, she dreaded the possibility that she would be a single woman at 40. As it turned out, Marvin came into her life just before she hit that fateful age. But because of the long wait, Nicole learned some valuable lessons that became a vital part of her life message. And I am thrilled that those lessons are now in print in this important book.

Because I am the father of four daughters, I have wrestled with the pressures women face in our culture. I have known Christian women who were told to bury their dreams, forsake higher education, or completely lose their identity in order to pursue marriage. Is that really how God feels about women?

I have noticed a trend in many churches today: Women who are successful in business or in some professional field feel unwelcome, as if they might be an unhealthy influence on women with more “pure” domestic inclinations. But I have to ask: Where in the Bible does it say every woman must marry? And why should we encourage single women to waste the most productive years of their lives by waiting for romance when their unique talents could be harnessed for a holy purpose?

Nowhere in the Bible are we told that God’s ultimate purpose for a woman is to find a mate and then reproduce. On the contrary, the Scriptures tell us that our lives can be made complete by only one thing: a constant, abiding relationship with Jesus Christ. This is true for both men and women—all of us are called to know Him. This is our ultimate destiny.

Of course God ordained marriage. It was meant to be a wonderful blessing that includes romance, sexual intimacy and the deepest expression of human love. But God never intended for a woman to derive her value from a man or to base her worth on producing offspring. Neither marriage nor childbirth validates a woman’s personhood, her character or her spirituality. A woman’s identity is to be found in Christ alone.

God makes a woman complete, whether she has a husband and twelve children or if she remains single all her life. Christ is her life; she is betrothed to Him.

This is the message we should offer single Christians today. Rather than enticing them to serve the false idols of fulfillment, we should challenge them to surrender every aspect of their futures to God. The heart-cry of every unmarried Christian should be, “Lord, I’m willing to serve You no matter what. Regardless of whether I marry this year or stay single the rest of my life, I’ll find contentment in You.” That is the attitude of surrender that God is looking for in every heart.

This is the attitude I see in Nicole Doyley—and it is what qualifies her so uniquely to convey the message of this book to single women. She speaks with sensitivity because she has been there; she writes with compassion because she has wrestled with the pain, the loneliness and the frustrations of life as a single Christian. She can speak to your heart because she has been there.

I believe God gave Nicole this message because He wants her to mentor many women in a new understanding of why God made them and how they can discover their giftedness. I pray you will let your guard down and let the Holy Spirit use Nicole’s words to heal and empower you.

J. Lee Grady, author

Fearless Daughters of the Bible

10 Lies the Church Tells Women

25 Tough Questions About Women and the Church

Introduction

THE WAIT

O n a balmy day in June of 1988, I faced the cold, hard truth that I was about to graduate from college with no boyfriend and no prospects. Several of my friends would receive both a diploma and a diamond on that joyous June day, and I looked forward only to the piece of paper. My singleness obscured any sense of accomplishment. In fact, about a month afterward, I sat sobbing on the edge of my bed, envisioning spinster-hood while despair grew by the moment in my heart. A friend, who had married at the ripe, young age of twenty-two, sat next to me, searching for something to say. All of a sudden, a flash of brilliance struck, and she ran for her Bible. In a moment, she returned with it and found in the back a yellowed, torn, life-changing piece of paper. Here is what it said:

On His Plan for Your Mate

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone—to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God, to the Christian, says, “No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with living loved by Me alone. I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me—exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires and longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing—one that you can’t imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you—just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things—keep experiencing the satisfaction knowing that I am. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you….You must wait.

Don’t be anxious. Don’t worry. Don’t look around at the things others have gotten or that I’ve given them. Don’t look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you’ll miss what I want to show you.

And, then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any would ever dream. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even this very minute to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me…and this is perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love, I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know I love you utterly. I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied.

I can quote most of that by heart. That summer day in my bedroom, those words came like cool lemonade to my soul. If I had known I would carry that paper around with me until I was forty years old, rehearsing it at least weekly while waiting for my mate, I would have jumped off a cliff (well, maybe not a cliff…). But God graciously never told me how long the wait would be. He rarely does. Our waiting times are almost always indefinite; how else would our faith grow? Our faith matures as we stand assured of what we hope for and convinced of what we do not see—for an indefinite amount of time. Look at Abraham and Sarah, who wound up waiting twenty-five years before God fulfilled the promise of a son.

I remember the time a visiting pastor laid hands on me and started to pray. My heart pounded as I thought surely God would talk specifically about my man. He’d say something great like, “You’re going to get married next year.” Or maybe even next month. Though prophetic people often stay away from such predictions, maybe he would make an exception for me. But all he said was, “You’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting.” Duh. “And there will be more waiting.”

Great. Thanks God. That’s really encouraging. And then he spoke about exciting things I really didn’t want to hear, like going to the nations as a spokesperson for the Kingdom. It was cool stuff, but I had tunnel hearing and only wanted to hear one thing. And it certainly wasn’t wait!

God’s ways surely are not our ways, but they are the best ways. (See Isaiah 55:8–9.) His design is so wonderful and so tailor-made for us that when we finally see the fulfillment of our prayers, all we can do is worship and thank Him.

I am so glad God made me wait. In those years, He did something so much more important than introduce me to my husband: He showed me that my life was about more than marriage. Ironically, it was the fact that I had a life, that I was active in so many different spheres and was developing my gifts and talents, that caused my husband to sit up and take notice when we first met. He didn’t want someone who led a boring, purposeless life. He fell in love with a vibrant, active single woman who touched lives and pursued God. That is who I had become over eighteen years of waiting. Despite my kicking and screaming and crying and whining, God took His time to work in my heart—molding, breaking, and shaping me so that I would not only be ready for marriage but ready for His eternal purposes.

Back to that piece of paper. Over those years, the Lover of my soul made the words on that yellowing paper real in my heart.

What does it mean to be satisfied, fulfilled, and content? Can we really find satisfaction in God alone? I doubted it at first, but I eventually grew to see that this is God’s desire for every person. Some learn it before they marry, and some learn it within their marriages, but all must learn it sometime in some way. I’ve also realized that even though God wants us to be content in Him, He also wants most of us married.

So how do we achieve this happy state, even though all the while we’re yearning for the companionship of a spouse? How do we hold all of that in balance? In the chapters that follow, we will discuss five ingredients for a fulfilled life, and then we’ll talk about what to do with those persistent longings—while we wait.

Part 1

Single and Fulfilled

Chapter 1

INGREDIENT #1: BELIEVING YOU HAVE A DESTINY BIGGER THAN MARRIAGE

“I just really want to be a wife and mom,” said the pre-med college student who had come over for tea during my son’s nap. She wanted to chat about her career options and her new boyfriend, and she was much more excited about the boyfriend than a possible medical degree.

I had said the same thing during my early single years, and I’ve heard the same thing over and over from several young women. So many women, particularly Christian women, envision the house, the kids, the loving husband, the dog, and the yard. They think of the day when their days are filled with baking cookies, raising kids, and greeting their husband at the door after a long day’s work—a Leave it to Beaver episode that plays and replays in their minds.

And, you know, there’s nothing wrong with that. As a matter of fact, it’s perfectly natural for women to daydream about weddings and husbands and kids. The problem is when that is all we dream about, when our dreams end at the altar and we think the wedding alone is our destiny.

You were made for more than a ring.

Now, I am not saying that every woman should work outside the home or that being a housewife is inferior to having a world-conquering career. I am saying, however, that even women who stay at home with their kids, see them off to college, and then become hands-on grandmothers still have a call on their lives that includes motherhood and other things. It could be taking in foster children, influencing the little girl next door who has no dad, giving to the poor, mentoring young moms, writing books, volunteering at the local shelter, or a multitude of other important things. The bottom line is, there is more to you than raising your kids and loving your husband, though of course these are extremely important.

As a single woman, it’s your responsibility to find out what these other things are. Even if your greatest desire is to be married, open your mind and heart and start desiring something else, too. If you die tomorrow, will you leave anything significant behind, or are your days spent only in daydreaming and indulging in discontent? If you are in your thirties or forties or fifties and are not married, perhaps you are supposed to do something else before you wed. After you say, “I do,” your time, energy, and money will be divided multiple ways. What can you throw yourself into now that will make a significant impact on an eternal soul?

The Highest Calling

I’ve heard it said that the highest calling is to be a wife and mother. I disagree. I think the highest calling for you is to be in the will of God. I certainly don’t think that Gladys Aylward or Corrie Ten Boom were less important than my dear friend who stays home raising her seven children. These women are all heroines who have poured themselves out for other people and changed lives for the good.

When you are married, your husband and children will take priority over everything else, other than God Himself. But when you are single, what should occupy your thoughts? What is God calling you to? I know that He is whispering an assignment in your ear and trying to stir a passion in you other than the sexual passion you dream about. He has something for you to focus on other than the left ring finger of every man you meet. He has something for you to be excited about other than the “Hello” of the handsome bachelor in your office. He has something for you to be giddy and happy about other than a dinner invitation from the cute guy next door.

You’re too smart to think only about your figure, and you’re too precious to spend your days strutting your stuff and hoping for male attention. You are more than the number of nods you receive from men and the number of dates you’ve had this year. You are a princess, not a prisoner of singleness.

And do you want to know another sobering truth? Men don’t like desperate women. Recently I was talking to an older single man and asked him why he wasn’t married. He spoke about a few women he was dating, and I asked why he didn’t pursue any of them seriously. “They’re all too desperate; I don’t like desperate women!” He went on to say that a few of them had asked him to marry them and even promised to provide for him financially. Oh brother! These are intelligent, attractive women, but their desperation for a man makes them totally unappealing for anything other than a good time. Desperation is like a man repellent. You can dress to kill and carefully dab on seductive perfume, but if you are desperate, you will ward off a lot of men.

Truly, a lot of singles are stunted.

Even though you’re working and serving in the church, many of you have a hard time thinking about the bigger picture of your life.

I remember the day I was, for the four-hundredth time, bemoaning my singlehood. Another good friend (who also married enviously young) challenged me, “Nicole, what else do you want to be besides a wife? What does your life look like outside of the home?”