PRAISE FOR THE EVIL STEPMOTHER SPEAKS

This book shatters the image of the wicked stepmother. I didn’t see her sweeping any hearths! The original story is the way it was.

∼ Cinderella

This woman is awesome.

∼ Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, Best Selling Author

Barb Goldberg holds up the new mirror … a mirror without fear; one that is framed with insight; and one that sparkles with ideas that will break new ground for you and your family. After all, she’s been there, done that.

           ∼ Jill*

The Evil Stepmother Speaks is a love letter to step parents everywhere.

∼ Dr. Judith Briles, Award-winning author, Founder of AuthorU

Barb saved our family and my heart from breaking.

∼ Olivia*

… the reason for LeAnn Rimes’ friendly tweet to Brandi Glanville seems clear … she shared a step-parenting help site called The Evil Stepmother Speaks.

∼ Mike Larkin, Writer for The Daily Mail

My friend @stepmomspeaks walks the talk! She lives stepfamily life with a smile and a great sense of humor:)

∼ Heather Hetchler of Cafesmom

The Evil Stepmother Speaks will become one of my very important ‘stepmom resources’, a book that I go to over and over again for support and tips and grounding. SO many great teachers in this book!

Barb, if you haven’t found your life purpose, it is, among other things, to write this book. It will be a great resource to me and many, many other stepmoms for years and years to come.

∼ Jen*

I love the way you tell the stories, and the overall story of the book. I love the fairy tale style telling of the story of the stepmom’s journey, injected with lots of humor. Because sometimes our stepmom lives do seem so absurd that it all must be a fairy tale because how could this actually be “real” life? And we’ve got to inject it with humor because if we don’t how will we survive?

∼ Ilene*

The Evil Stepmother Speaks is the new fairy tale. You will learn practical ideas to help your family bond, while making your soul sing. Get ready to laugh along the way.

∼ Theresa*

*Stepmothers don’t like their real names to be used. Some of their names have been changed to protect the innocent.

The Evil Stepmother Speaks: The Guide for Stepfamilies Who Want to Love and Laugh by Barbara Goldberg Copyright

©2013 by Barbara Goldberg. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any written, electronic, recording, or photocopying without written permission of the publisher or author. The exception would be in the case of brief quotations embodied in the critical articles or reviews and pages where permission is specifically granted by the publisher or author.

Although every precaution has been taken to verify the accuracy of the information contained herein, the author and publisher assume no responsibility for any errors or omissions. No liability is assumed for damages that may result from the use of information contained within.

Books may be purchased in quantity and/or special sales by contacting the publisher:

The 428 Companies 8314 East Feathersong Lane, Scottsdale, AZ 85255 www.TheEvilStepmotherSpeaks.com Barb@TheEvilStepmotherSpeaks.com 602.538.1811

Cover and Interior Graphics: Tara Hetzer | www.PinkInkDesignShop.com

Interior Design: Nick Zelinger | www.NZGraphics.com

Editor: Lynn Hess | www.PremierProofing.com

Book Shepherd: Judith Briles | www.TheBookShepherd.com

Printer: Color House Graphics

Library of Congress Catalog Number: 2013933659

ISBN 978-0-9882415-0-3

eISBN: 978-0-9882415-1-0

Family & Relationships | Step-Parenting

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

First Edition Printed in the United States of America

For Bruce, Adrienne, Nathan, Betsy, Ean, and Phyllis

Thank you for allowing me into your kingdom.

It has been an honor.

To All the Evil Stepmothers

It’s an honor to be part of your tribe.

To my family:

I love you dearly and hope you decide to maintain custody of me. If you dump me, please give your new stepmom a copy of this book so she will love you like I do.

Yes, I will sign it.

Table of Contents

Prologue

Dictionary

Epilogue

Free Book Bonuses

Acknowledgments

Appendix A: The Morals of the Story

Appendix B: The Work of Byron Katie (Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet)

Appendix C: 100 Memories For Your Family To Create

Notes

About the Author

PROLOGUE

One of my editors said to tell you that the book is much funnier than this prologue. (OK, I did it. Now, can I continue?)

“You knew what you were getting into! You knew he had children!”

For every stepparent who has ever heard those words: The Evil Stepmother is for you. The mere writing of those words just makes me scream!! To every person who has had these thoughts about a stepparent they know, I offer this response: “You have no idea!”

You have no idea that we married someone that we dearly love. You have no idea that we were excited about joining this new family. You don’t know that we were enthusiastic about how we could help raise the children and build a beautiful, fun home. You have no idea about what happens to us along the way. Mostly, you don’t know our biggest secret of all. We dearly love our families. Our partners. All of our children. What the hell, we even like, sometimes, love the ex.

They say that all humans yearn to be seen, heard, and feel as if they matter. Herein lies the problem. Gradually, stepparents feel invisible. We feel as if we are disappearing. Fading away. No one hears us—no one wants to. Society does not see us. Our needs are ignored because there are just too many other people to consider first. Over time, the deep desire to be seen and heard overtakes us. We have bad thoughts. Very bad thoughts. The kind of thoughts that are just wrong. Does any of this sound familiar?

“I just want out!”

“I thought I had thick skin. But this has taken thick skin to a whole new level.”

“I didn’t expect to be first on the list. But I thought I would at least be on the list!”

“I am a horrible person. I think I may hate these kids.”

“The ex is crazy. I mean, she is really crazy.”

“Why doesn’t he see or hear anything that goes on in this house?”

“What about me???”

“Get me the f--- out of here!”

As these thoughts swirl in and out of our heads, we get grumpy. We get lonely. The cycle starts and the Evil Stepmother is born.

But it doesn’t have to be that way, does it? I started thinking that, considering the prevalence of stepfamilies, little is truly said about the stepparent experience. I mean “really said.” After all, we are the American traditional family, with over 50 percent of American families either re-married or re-coupled¹. Thirteen hundred new stepfamilies form daily. If you look at American history, stepmothers have existed since the beginning of time and used to be respected. (How nice of that woman to take on the children of another!) Somewhere along the way, our role became soured.

In addition, the vow of silence was born. Stepmoms approach discussions about their families with trepidation. We measure our words as we analyze whose feelings we may hurt. We fear the sound bite that may get back to a biological parent. We fear that any misunderstanding will jeopardize our marriages. If we talk or write about our lives, we will piss somebody off. Frustrating.

The funny thing is that society seems spellbound by the merged family. Over the years, I was asked and asked and asked, “How did you get your family to blend?” Or, “You seem to love everyone the same.” I always thought it was weird that so many people were fascinated. In fact, people seemed incredulous. Of course, I was not responsible for our family’s relationships, but I started to wonder, “Am I doing something right? Maybe, one or two things?”

I continued to wonder. What is going on out there? Why is this whole stepfamily thing so emotional? There must be a scientific basis for the intense feelings. And why is being a stepmom any different from being a leader of a group or a business? There are tons of proven leadership theories. Why don’t we use the data that’s out there? It works in business. Why wouldn’t it work for a family? Why so much emotion and so little science? There just had to be more to it. And there was. The answer lay in the power of the story. I learned that our brains look to stories and fables to make sense of our world. Brains are dependent on stories, which make these fables universally powerful. Dr. Pamela Brown Rutledge of The Media Psychology Research Center² explains the role of stories in our life:

Stories have always been a primal form of communication. They are timeless links to ancient traditions, legends, archetypes, myths, and symbols.

Stories are about collaboration and connection. They transcend generations, they engage us through emotions, and they connect us to others.

Stories are how we think. They are how we make meaning of life.

Stories provide order. Humans seek certainty and narrative structure is familiar, predictable, and comforting.

Stories are how we are wired. Stories take place in the imagination. To the human brain, imagined experiences are processed the same as real experiences.

Stories are the pathway to engaging our right brain and triggering our imagination. By engaging our imagination, we become participants in the narrative.

So, we live in a world stuck within the confines of the fairy tale. We live in this modern, technologically advanced world—yet the perception of a stepmother is steeped in visions of evil mirrors, poisoned apples, and the longing to torture our stepchildren. We are portrayed as greedy, insensitive women with enough time on our hands to spend 24 hours a day inflicting pain on our stepchildren. In most movies and stories, we have made cruelty an art form. We are always widowed. We never win in the end, and we end up either dead or in a penitentiary. I can’t wait!

Note that the stepmother is always wealthy. She always inherits a huge fortune and seems to have unlimited resources. Where is this treasure??? Please tell me. The last time I checked, most of our families have child support and alimony expenses, making finances challenging. Where was the Brady Bunch when we needed them? Instead, most blended families had the twisted fairy tales as models.

Breaking Down The Wall Of Silence

Although stepmothers say they have taken a vow of silence, they, too, are full of stories. Stories abound about stepmoms who dedicated their time and resources to their children, yet were often met with resistance and bitterness. Stories of ex-wives who complain about the stepmother at every turn. Stories about women who work, cook, and clean for their stepchildren while spending countless emotional hours helping them resolve their conflicts over their parents’ divorce. And stories about stepmoms who were given full-time responsibility of the children but no legal rights if anything were to happen to her spouse. Life feels like a horror novel, with something scary coming out from around the corner at every turn.

Understanding the psychological and physiological powers that stories have on the human brain tells you that the Evil Stepmother is real to many people. As a result, it is socially acceptable to hate the stepmom. In fact, I think it may be fun to dislike us. In fairness, it is also fun to loathe the ex-wife. In a way, we’re in the same boat. But at least when the ex-wife tells her stories, she gets some pity. We don’t get pity.

I certainly never wanted pity. But I did want to have a good time, not be divorced again, and raise decent people. Abracadabra! The Evil Stepmother Speaks was born. The Evil Stepmother Speaks is an updated version of many of the fairy tales that we all know and love. The question begs, “Do these stories treat The Evil Stepmother fairly?” I think not, so I offer up another version. It is a modern account that tracks the Evil Stepmother through her magical journey to find herself and a solution for her stepfamily. The story reintroduces us to old friends from our childhood and tracks the Evil Stepmother through her quest.

What if the stepmom was perceived as a gift rather than a punishment?

What if children and the ex-wife wished that they had a stepmother?

What if we all laughed?

As I tell the tale, I also share my current and past thoughts along with my real-life experiences, and the thoughts and experiences from other stepmoms, in the “Tales From My Enchanted Reality” sections. To protect the innocent, these sections are written as a compilation of my own experiences and the experiences of other stepmoms who talk to me via my blog and Twitter. (So, sorry, this is not a tell-all book about my family.)

I wanted the book to be a fast, funny read. But, I also wanted to leave readers with practical tips and ideas that will help them master the art and science of stepfamily management. You can find these tips in the “Moral of the Story” and “Solution” sections found at the end of each chapter. I hope you find one that helps you.

Stepfamilies are not for the faint of heart. It is a tender place and a land mine for hurt feelings. If we could change the perception of the stepmother, we could change the world. If we create a kinder, gentler stepfamily, the world becomes a kinder, gentler place. People would be kinder to each other. More kindness breeds a better economy. More kindness solves hunger. More kindness means fewer wars. Who knew that the world’s salvation lay in the lap of the stepmom? It was this vision that made me take a giant leap and put ink to paper. Enjoy, and have a chuckle on me.

∼ Barb

DICTIONARY

Stepology 101 starts with the jargon—stepfamilies have their own vocabulary. Family members are called many terms within a stepfamily. When writing a story, these terms can be confusing so I am providing a short dictionary. Please don’t take any of these terms personally. We just need them to tell the story. For purposes of this fable, some family members’ titles may be used interchangeably, as noted below.

Bio-Dad: The biological father in the story and blog entries. The usage of the term ‘bio’ is used for clarity so that the readers know to whom I am referring.

Bio-Mom: The biological mother in the story and blog entries. The usage of the term ‘bio’ is used for clarity so that the readers know to whom I am referring.

Castle: Used as a metaphor for the home.

Dad: The biological father in the story and blog entries.

Evil Stepmother: A tongue-in-cheek reference to the stepmother in the story.

King: The biological father in the story. (Same as bio-dad)

Queen: The biological mother in the story. (Same as bio-mom)

Mom: The biological mother in the story and blog entries.

Prince: In the beginning of the story, the prince refers to the ideal man that a woman seeks. Later in the story, the prince refers to the stepson in the family.

Princess: In the beginning of the story, the princess refers to the ideal life that a woman seeks. Later in the story, the princess refers to the stepdaughter in the family.

Stepmother: The biological father’s wife who is not the natural mother to the children.

Stepfather: The biological mother’s husband who is not the natural father to the children.

there was a young girl. She dreamed of a life as a princess. Someday her handsome prince would come and sweep her off her feet. They would live in a beautiful home and have 2.5 exquisite children. She would have a fantastic career where she was well respected and earned a healthy income. Her prince would be professional and successful as well. The children would be perfect and brilliant.

One day, the young girl found her prince and discovered that…

The prince was divorced. He had an ex-wife and children. He had been the King of another castle.

“What happened to my story?” the young girl asked.

“I was the princess and the prince was supposed to have no ‘baggage.’”

“I was supposed to be his first and only love.”

“This has to be a mistake!”

But the young girl married her prince anyway and believed she was now the new Queen. Living with her new husband, the King, they would rule their castle and live happily ever after. But, the wind changed. A spell overtook the castle and the kingdom. This spell was created by a wizard. Marred by his own parents’ divorce and his own hatred of his father’s second wife, the wizard insisted that all women who married Kings with ex-Queens and children were doomed to be Evil Stepmothers. The spell deemed that the new Queen would never be perceived as royalty. No exceptions. She would be known only as the Evil Stepmother.

The new Queen was turned into an Evil Stepmother.

“I must turn this spell around and show the world that I am the new Queen and this was a mistake.”

“The world will see that I am not an evil stepmother. They will see that I am loving and kind.”

“The King, the children and the entire royal family will love me because they will see that I am different,” the Evil Stepmother insisted. “We will live happily ever after.”

The Evil Stepmother started with a clean heart.

The Evil Stepmother was certain that the stepchildren would love her. She cooked their favorite foods. She entertained them. She bought them clothes. She engaged them in kind conversation. She smiled. She tried not to complain when her castle became messy and her King ignored her. She cleaned the house and catered to the family. But she cringed as the children appeared to cast a spell on her King. He granted them anything they wanted. The stepmother thought:

“This is not how it is supposed to work.”

“No one appreciates me or sees my hard work.”

“No one pays any attention to me.”

“Can’t they see that I am really the new Queen? This is all a mistake. I am exhausted.”

The Stepmother’s heart started to turn cold.

As time went on, the stepmother felt unappreciated and unacknowledged. The children only wanted time with the King. The King wanted more time with the children. The castle was overrun. It was time to take control.

“This is my house!” the Evil Stepmother cried.

“Follow my rules!”

“You are all spoiled and undisciplined!”

The Evil Stepmother lamented, “This was not the way it was supposed to be.” Disappointment and fear set in, enveloping her heart and mind. And while the Evil Stepmother pondered her dilemma, there were other stories to tell.

The Queen (the King’s ex and bio mother to the children) wanted her tale told, too. It was a tale familiar to many and went like this:

there was a young girl. She dreamed of a life as a princess. Someday her handsome prince would come and sweep her off her feet. They would live in a beautiful home and have 2.5 exquisite children. She would have a fantastic career where she was well respected and earned a healthy income. Her prince would be professional and successful as well. The children would be perfect and brilliant.

The princess found her prince and discovered that…

He was perfect. They married and together built a beautiful life. They became the King and Queen of their castle and their kingdom. Her King was an ideal father. Her dreams had come true! The 2.5 children were perfect, as was their castle. She had control over her domain, as it was supposed to be. She was a Queen who had found her King.

The Queen started with a clean heart.

The children loved their Queen. She cooked their favorite foods. She entertained them. She bought them clothes. She engaged them in kind conversation. She smiled. She tried not to complain when her castle became messy and her King was distracted. She cleaned the house and catered to the family. But she cringed as the children appeared to cast a spell on her King. He granted them anything they wanted.

“This is not how it is supposed to work,” cried the Queen.

“No one appreciates me or sees my hard work.”

“No one pays any attention to me.”

“Can’t they see that I am the Queen who should be loved? This is all a mistake. I am exhausted.”

The Queen’s heart started to turn cold.

As time went on, the Queen felt unappreciated and unacknowledged. She worked hard all day but when the King came home, the children only wanted time with the King. The Queen felt forgotten and lost her true identity. She was unhappy. Her castle was overrun. It was time to take control.

“This is my house!”

“Follow my rules!”

“You are all spoiled and undisciplined!”

“What about me?”

This was not the way it was supposed to be. Disappointment and fear set in and enveloped her heart and mind. The Queen wanted a better life and asked the King for a divorce. Sadness surrounded the castle.

While the Evil Stepmother and the Queen worried about their lives, the children had their story to tell. Their fairy-tale started this way:

there were young children who knew in their hearts that they were princesses and princes. They lived in a beautiful home and had two perfect parents, the King (Dad) and the Queen (Mom). The King was perfect, handsome, and responsible. The Queen was beautiful and made their lunches every day. They were never wrong. The King and Queen would be together forever. The children dreamed about the day that their own prince or princess would come and their lives would mirror their parents’ lives. Nothing could ever disrupt their family.

The children woke up one day to hear the King and Queen arguing.

The sound of yelling was terrifying to the young children. They started hearing the sounds of arguments ringing through-out the halls of the castle more and more often. At times, they hid in their rooms to escape the sounds.

“Do you think the King and Queen will leave each other?” asked the youngest child.

“Never,” responded the oldest child. “Mom and Dad would never split up.”

Then one day, the King and Queen explained to the children that they loved them very much, but…

The kingdom was splitting up. Dad, the King, was moving out of their castle. This was not the way it was supposed to be. Disappointment and fear set in. The children’s hearts turned cold. As the children pondered their future, there was yet another story to tell.

The King wanted his story told. It was a tale rarely expressed. His saga went like this:

there was a young boy. He dreamed of a life as a prince and a baseball player. Someday, he would be drafted into the Big Leagues and would find a beautiful princess who would spend her life with him. They would live in a beautiful home and have 2.5 exquisite children. She would have a fantastic career and raise the children. His princess would be beautiful and successful. The children would be perfect.

The prince found his princess and discovered that….

She was perfect. She was pretty and kind and together they would build a beautiful life. Most important, she would be an ideal mother. His dreams had come true! The 2.5 children were perfect, as was their castle. He had control over his domain, as it was supposed to be. He was a King who had found his Queen.

The King started with a clean heart.

The King was adored by his children and the Queen. He worked hard to provide for their life in the castle. He entertained them. He bought them clothes. He engaged them in kind conversation. He smiled. He did not notice that the castle became messy and that his Queen was unhappy. He cringed as the Queen nagged. He thought:

“This is not how it is supposed to work.”

“No one appreciates me or sees my hard work,” cried the King.

“No one pays any attention to me.”

“Can’t they see that I am the King who should be loved?”

“This is all a mistake.”

“I am exhausted.”

The King’s heart started to turn cold.

As time went on, the King started to feel unappreciated and unacknowledged. He worked hard all day, but came home to complaints. The King felt forgotten. He was unhappy. His castle was overrun. It was time to take control.

“This is my house!”

“Follow my rules!”

“You are all ungrateful!”

“What about me?”

This was not the way it was supposed to be. Disappointment and fear set in and enveloped the King’s heart and mind. The King wanted a better life but did not want to leave his children or his castle. But the Queen asked for a divorce. The King was admonished and sent away to find another land to rule.

As our story began, all of our characters were saddened: The King (husband and bio dad), the Queen (bio mom), the children, and the new Princess (Evil Stepmother). The King and the Queen were divorced. They were sad that their castle (home) and their children were split into pieces. There was a sense of failure and bitterness. Their disappointment and fear started to rule their minds. The children faced the unknown as the life they knew disappeared. It was terrifying. Meanwhile, the stepmom entered the drama with the best of intentions. She quickly learned that danger lurked ahead. Disappointment and fear ruled the land. What would happen to all of them?

The Moral of the Story

Fear was the wicked villain who enchanted the kingdom. He cast his spell on the kingdom when he felt that change was in the air. Change triggered his appearance and fed his lust for wickedness. Remarriage, divorce, death, and birth all made him come alive in the minds of his victims. When remarriage occurred, Fear plotted to pit one parent against the other. Children against stepmother. Stepmother against Queen. Queen against King.