What readers are saying about Bill Eddy and “It’s All Your Fault!” 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
“We all experience high conflict people in our daily lives. This book gives us both an understanding of the personalities that are prone to blame us for everything and simple tips to manage these unpleasant interactions. It really works.”
Stephen Heidel, M.D., M.B.A.
C.E.O., Heidel and Associates, La Jolla, CA
“This book is really on the mark! If enough people use these simple tips with difficult people, it could reduce the level of conflict and risk of violence in families, in the workplace, and in our communities.”
Bonnie Dumanis, District Attorney
San Diego, CA
“A practical guide for dealing with high-conflict people in everyday life. As a professional educator I have followed Bill Eddy’s step-by step process for years with great success. This book will transform your approach to problem-solving with difficult people.”
Dennis Doyle, Ph.D.
Superintendent, National School District, National City, CA
“As both a therapist and attorney, Bill Eddy is uniquely qualified to write this critically needed book. He has an astounding talent for taking complex psychological information and showing readers, point by point, how to avoid the pitfalls of dealing with high conflict personalities and create win-win situations for everyone involved.”
Randi Kreger, Co-Author
Stop Walking on Eggshells, Milwaukee, WI
“Bill Eddy’s techniques work even when the parties involved in a situation are not “high conflict people.” As a mediator, I find that people under stress may exhibit (temporarily) some of the highly charged traits described in this book. By giving them my EAR and using the CARS method to de-escalate their emotions, they are more able then to negotiate constructively for themselves. This is a great book for mediators—or anyone!”
Barbara Filner, Director
Training Institute, National Conflict Resolution Center, San Diego, CA
“This is an excellent book for anyone who works with challenging clients. The ‘Tips’ help you understand more about these types of people, but more importantly, they also give practical knowledge on how to work with them. It is easy to read, as Bill has done a great job of sharing his life experiences in a great format. Thank you!”
Scott Clarke, Certified Financial Planner
Collaborative Neutral, Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
“Bill Eddy has provided readers with an essential guide to understanding and managing the most difficult and conflict-prone individuals we are likely to encounter in everyday life, whether at work or closer to home. Eddy has harnessed the knowledge and wisdom that his multidisciplinary background and years of experience have allowed him to accumulate, and distilled that learning into an insightful and commonsense approach, delivered in an interesting and eminently readable book. As a consultant in workplace conflict and violence prevention, I expect “It’s All Your Fault!” will become an indispensible desktop compendium for me, as it will for anyone who deals with “high-conflict personalities” in either their personal or professional lives.”
Hy Bloom, LL.B., M.D., F.R.C.P.(C.)
Author, The Workplace Risk Assessment-20 and
The Employee Risk Assessment-20, Toronto, ON
“Learning how to handle high conflict people is like learning how to drive defensively. Except harder. We hire police to arrest bad drivers, but no one arrests high conflict people. Instead, it’s up to us—to read “It’s All Your Fault!” This book is written incisively and insightfully. It’s not a one-size-fits-all book. You’ll discover the person behind the personality type. And as you do, you find more of the human in yourself. So read “It’s All Your Fault!” If you don’t, well—”It’s All Your Fault!””
Warren Farrell, Ph.D.
Author, Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say, Mill Valley, CA
“A new generation of potentially High Conflict People is emerging from the academically and socially-competitive cauldron that high school has become. Mr. Eddy has provided a framework and practical strategies through which students, parents, teachers and administrators can become empowered to confront the very issues that prevent the flowering of our nation’s greatest resource—our people. On a personal note, the book is brilliant and I fully intend to teach these precepts to my students of psychology. And to live them in my life.”
Austin Manghan, M.Ed.
Psychology and History Teacher, Longwood High School, Middle Island, NY
Other Books and Courses by Bill Eddy
New Ways for Families in Separation and Divorce:
Professional Guidebook (2009)
Parent Workbook (2009)
Collaborative Parent Workbook (2009)
HCI Press
High Conflict People in Legal Disputes (2006, 2008)
HCI Press
Managing High Conflict People In Court (2008)
HCI Press
The Splitting CD: An Interview with Bill Eddy (2006)
Eggshells Press
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist (2004)
Eggshells Press
Working with High Conflict Personalities (2004, 2006)
(A Six-Hour Internet Course for Mental Health
Professionals at www.continuingEdCourses.net)
“It’s All Your Fault!”
12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
Bill Eddy
Attorney, Mediator and Therapist
A NOTE OF CAUTION TO THE READER
This publication is designed to provide accurate information about the subject matters covered. It is sold with the understanding that neither the author nor the publisher is giving legal, mental health or other professional advice or services in this book. If expert assistance, legal services or counseling is needed, the reader should find and use the services of a competent professional.
Names and information identifying private individuals have been changed to preserve anonymity. Many quotations have been modified to protect confidentiality and to demonstrate the principles of the book. Some examples are slight alterations of real cases, while other examples were inspired by real cases but are completely fictional. Quotes from Court cases and news publications are accurate and names are real. Appellate case citations are provided for interested readers who wish to review the original published opinions.
Eddy, Bill, 1948-
It’s all your fault, 12 tips for managing people who blame others for everything / by Bill Eddy. Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN-10: 1-936268-42-6
ISBN-13: 978-1-936268-42-9
First printing: April 2008
Second printing: November 2009 by HCI Press
“It’s All Your Fault!” 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
Copyright © 2008 by Bill Eddy. All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
Editor: Danielle LeClair Rakoz
Book design: Pierpoint-Martin
Publisher: Printed in the United States of America |
For my mother,
Margaret Eddy (1917-1971)
who taught me from the age of 5 that we
don’t judge people—we try to understand them.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction
PART I: Understanding High Conflict People
Tip #1: Don’t Take Their Personal Attacks Personally
Tip #2: Don’t Give Them Negative Feedback
Tip #3: Don’t Bend Boundaries With Borderlines
Tip #4: Don’t Diss the Narcissists
Tip #5: Don’t Get Hooked by Histrionics
Tip #6: Don’t Get Conned by Antisocials
Tip #7: Don’t Be a Negative Advocate
PART II: Handling High Conflict People
Tip #8: Connect Using Your E.A.R.
Tip #9: Analyze Your Realistic Options
Tip #10: Respond Quickly to Misinformation
Tip #11: Set Limits on Misbehavior
Tip #12: Choose Your Battles
Conclusion
Glossary
References
About the Author
A NOTE OF CAUTION
TO THE READER
This book addresses issues of High Conflict People and their high-conflict personalities. Knowledge is power. The information I provide is intended to help you be more successful in your interactions with people in everyday life: neighbors, co-workers, family members, and even strangers.
However, this personality information can also be misused and can inadvertently make your life more difficult. Therefore, I caution you not to openly label people in your life, nor to use this information as a weapon in personal relationships. Before you go further, I ask that you make a commitment to use this information with caution, compassion, and respect.
My explanations and tips address general patterns of behavior and may not apply to your specific situation. You are advised to seek the advice of a therapist, an attorney, or other conflict resolution professional in handling any dispute.
The author and the publisher are not responsible for any decisions or actions you take as a result of reading this book.
Bill Eddy
Publisher’s Note
In 2009, HCI Press acquired the rights to publish this book and other books by Bill Eddy. The text remains unchanged from the previous printings. HCI Press is a subsidiary of High Conflict Institute, LLC, which was co-founded in 2008 by Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter. We are excited to be expanding into book publication as well as providing seminars, program development, consultation and training DVDs. For more information about HCI Press, please see our website at www.hcipress.com. For more information about High Conflict Institute, please see our website at www.HighConflictInstitute.com.
INTRODUCTION
As far back as I can remember I have been interested in other people’s conflicts. My first job after college was in New York City. This was in 1970, after the gang wars, made famous just a few years earlier in the movie West Side Story, had settled down a bit.
I was a youth social worker for a neighborhood teen lounge, which had a pool table, a ping-pong table, a record player, and a small basketball court. Twenty to 30 teenagers would hang out there after school. There were rumors that one of the young adults in the neighborhood had killed a man a couple of years earlier, and I suspected that several kids carried knives.
One day one of the kids said, “Bill, there’s a fight in the pool room!” My boss was out, so I was in charge. In the pool room were about a dozen regulars, mostly Eastern European kids whose parents had come to the U.S. and were struggling to move out of the rundown apartments in our area. There were also about five African American teenagers I’d never seen before.
The room was silent. Everyone was standing around the pool table. Facing each other, a boy from each group waved a pool cue in the air, looking ready to start another gang war. Because I’d worked as a student a couple of summers before at an African American recreation program outside Philadelphia, I wasn’t going to make any racial assumptions about who was at fault.
I didn’t have time to think. I naively walked right in between the two boys waving their cues, and I put my hands up to keep them apart. I remember saying, “Okay. Nobody move. Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to close the lounge. Right now, I want you five kids to leave while everyone else stays right where you are. In 10 minutes, the rest of you kids are going to leave.”
To my amazement, everyone did exactly what I’d said. I don’t remember consciously deciding to say or do anything. I just did it. Afterwards I was in a state of shock at the risks I’d taken standing between two groups of angry 16- and 17-year-olds with pool cues (and maybe knives) as weapons. I was barely five years older than they were. I had a lot of second thoughts afterwards, but the next day several of the teens told me that I’d done the right thing.
They agreed that when I punished everyone, it wasn’t really fair—but life wasn’t fair. More importantly, they said, no one got hurt. When teenagers tell you “you did the right thing,” you remember. While this probably doesn’t seem like a major incident, when you’re 22 years old, things like this can have a big impact on you. It wasn’t until I was writing this book that I looked back at this incident and really thought about why I reacted the way I did, and why they did what I asked. But I remember it was the beginning of a realization that I liked getting in the middle and settling conflicts.
Becoming a Mediator
By 1975, I had moved to San Diego and heard about mediation. I couldn’t wait to become a mediator. In mediation, a neutral person helps two (or more) people in conflict to sit down and talk in a step-by-step way. The mediator helps them understand each other’s point of view and helps them make agreements. The mediator doesn’t make the decisions, but directs the discussion so the people in conflict can reach their own agreements. So I took a seminar on how to mediate, and became a volunteer mediator.
In my neighborhood, word got around that I liked settling conflicts. Neighbors dropped by and asked me to help them with their disputes with partners, neighbors, and co-workers. Of course, I did this all for free—and sometimes late at night. I thought about finding a career in mediation, but I didn’t know whether there was such a thing as a professional mediator.
Becoming a Therapist
I decided to focus on families in conflict and individuals in distress. During the next 15 years I got a Masters of Social Work degree and became a psychotherapist, working in psychiatric hospitals and counseling clinics. I ran groups for schizophrenics and head injury patients. I counseled adolescents and their parents (an endless source of conflicts). And I worked with addicts and their families.
Some of our patients had more than one problem. For example, one man in our hospital substance abuse program was a severe cocaine addict—and an expert at starting conflicts. He had a personality disorder. When he stopped using drugs, he got worse instead of better. He started spreading rumors that the staff was using cocaine during lunch breaks.
He told patients they could ignore certain parts of the treatment program. He could sound very convincing, while blaming others for his own problems. Patients and staff got into big arguments over how to deal with him. He was a con artist and a drama junkie. We had to deal with him in a very united and tightly structured way.
Another patient had terrible mood swings. One day, while the patients were in group therapy, she ran across the room and physically attacked one of the large men, hitting him on the chest. Fortunately, he didn’t react and we pulled her off. She had serious problems controlling her impulses and her mood swings. She also had a personality disorder.
When I was in training to be a psychotherapist in 1980, a manual came out with a new system of diagnosing mental health problems, including personality disorders. Our clinic had two experts come to teach us about it.
Learning how to deal with people with personality disorders became a routine part of our work. In many ways, they were people who got things backwards: they created conflicts that didn’t exist because, in their own minds, other people were to blame for their problems. They felt constantly helpless and often depressed. Instead of solving their own problems, they were busy creating problems for others, without realizing how they were hurting themselves too! They always felt like victims.
These patients were the hardest to treat, because they took everything personally and blamed the people who were trying to help them. However, their problems weren’t obvious at first to the unsuspecting, so many naïve staff and new patients would believe what they said—until they got to know them better.
Becoming an Attorney
While I enjoyed being a therapist, I still wanted to resolve ordinary conflicts between ordinary people. So, I became a volunteer mediator with the San Diego Mediation Center (now called the National Conflict Resolution Center). I took mediation training, I gave mediation training, and I handled many disputes referred by the police, the courts, and people in conflict themselves.
I decided if I really wanted to be a mediator, I should go to law school, since lawyers were starting to make mediation a popular alternative to going to court–and they were getting paid as mediators. When I opened my Law and Mediation Office in 1993, my goal was to build a practice as a family mediator, but I also decided to take family court cases as an attorney to get a couple of years of experience in court.
As I was splitting my time between mediations in my office and hearings in family court, it dawned on me that my angry court cases were dealing with the same issues as my cooperative mediation cases. The difference wasn’t the issues, it was the personalities! In fact, in many of the “high-conflict” cases I recognized some of the same personality disorders that I’d worked with in psychiatric hospitals and clinics.
I was so familiar with personality disorders that I thought they were obvious to everyone. I was wrong. Attorneys and judges had no idea what I was talking about, and court-related counselors (who had no hospital or clinical training) thought personality disorders were unrelated or unimportant and shouldn’t be considered in making divorce decisions.
Yet more and more high-conflict people were showing up in family courts— fighting for years and years over every issue, large and small. As I was learning, all it takes is one high-conflict person to make a high-conflict case.
So I wrote and self-published a book about high-conflict personalities in 2003 and started giving seminars to attorneys, judges, mediators, and therapists involved in legal disputes. I explained that much of this high-conflict behavior in court was a personality problem and not caused by the divorce. I used the term “high-conflict personalities,” which later became High Conflict People. For short, I used the initials HCP for a High Conflict Person, meaning someone with a high-conflict personality.
In 2004, there was a sudden jump in interest in HCPs and how to handle them. I found two publishers, who each published a book of mine. I was asked to give seminars on HCPs to legal professionals in the United States, Canada, and Europe. In addition, I started getting requests for seminars from business organizations, schools, hospitals, and homeowners associations. It seemed HCPs were everywhere and causing a great deal of stress, disruption, and expense in all areas of our society.
Writing This Book
This book contains the most important 12 lessons I’ve learned about High Conflict People over the past 30 years—much of it by trial and error. I’m eager to give you this information, because I think it will make your life easier and because it will make all of our lives easier as more people learn how to manage HCPs.
In writing this book, I feel like I’m sharing some powerful secrets. Most people don’t understand HCPs, but they have known several and realized that something was different about them. I’ve been explaining HCPs for several years to attorneys, judges, mediators, therapists, and people going through divorce. More recently, I’ve been explaining this to people in disputes with their neighbors, co-workers, and other family members.
They all have a similar response: “Now I see why my husband acts that way,” “Now I understand why the woman next door couldn’t resolve a simple dispute over our fence,” “You must have met my boss—he does exactly what you described.”
High Conflict People have predictable patterns of behavior and there are predictable ways to manage most of them once you understand their personalities. The mental health field has developed substantial knowledge about personality disorders over the last few decades, yet most of this knowledge hasn’t been applied to the field of conflict resolution. Given this gap in knowledge, Janis Publications, a publisher of books on conflict resolution, asked me to write this book to share this information with the general public in a practical way.
The purpose of this book is to explain the basic HCP theory and key actions to consider in handling any type of HCP dispute. The focus is everyday disputes— neighborhood, workplace, family—but the ideas can be used with anyone in any type of conflict.
A Book of Opposites
In many ways, this is a book of opposites. My 12 tips are often the exact opposite of what you feel like doing. This is a normal response to this new information. I made many mistakes on the way to learning this approach. Don’t be surprised if you regret some past actions you have taken in dealing with an HCP. I have experienced that on many occasions and still do sometimes. Yet, I have learned this is what works.
I’ve tried to make this book practical, so every Tip has a practice question and a Tip summary. Part I helps you understand the high-conflict personalities of HCPs and how to avoid responding in ways that make things worse. These are the seven “Don’t do This” Tips. I like to get right to the point. Ideally, I would focus on the positive—what to do, rather than what not to do. However, these are very common and important mistakes that all of us make with HCPs, and it’s the easiest way to explain them.
Part II focuses on “What to Do.” It includes four key actions to consider in dealing with any HCP. I call it the C.A.R.S. Method™, and I’ve tried to make it easy to do. While the 12 tips I describe are important with HCPs, they can be used in any conflict situation, especially ones with high emotions and little cooperation from the other person.
To demonstrate the patterns of High Conflict People, I use many case examples. Some of these are taken from the news or court cases, and I cite the sources. Other stories are from my own experience as a mediator, attorney, or therapist. I’ve changed some details to protect people’s confidentiality. Some examples are fictional stories inspired by real events to help demonstrate key points.
I’ve written this book in a conversational style, because that’s how I am used to communicating with people under stress. But don’t be fooled. The concepts in this book can be complicated. You may disagree with some of these concepts at first, and, as I said, the methods I provide may seem like the opposite of what you feel like doing in a high-conflict situation. But this is normal, so bear with me. Try these suggestions. I know they work. I had to learn the hard way, but you don’t have to!
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
This book would not exist if it weren’t for Janis Magnuson and Ray Sobol of Janis Publications. Four years ago, when major publishers had rejected my proposals, they picked up my first book and encouraged me to write this book for the general public. They were extremely patient while I kept pushing back my own writing deadlines—at least two years! They kept me focused on writing a very practical book, no matter how long it took. The book you have today is the result of their guidance, patience, and friendship.
I also owe so much to my wife, Alice, for her continued tolerance of my writing obsession. Not only has she given me the time and space (we share a study!) to write several books, but she has also been my most valued consultant on the mental health aspects of this subject—as a therapist herself and my toughest critic. Her wisdom has guided me repeatedly away from less helpful ideas and toward more clarity in my writing.
I want to thank Megan Hunter, who left her job with the Administrative Office of the Arizona Supreme Court primarily to promote and expand my seminars and writing. Now that we have co-founded the High Conflict Institute, LLC, her management skills have allowed me to focus on speaking and writing while requests for our services grow rapidly. Her feedback on this book and partnership in educating professionals about high-conflict personalities has been invaluable.
For over 20 years, my friends and colleagues at the National Conflict Resolution Center (formerly the San Diego Mediation Center) have sharpened my thinking about mediation and conflict resolution. Barbara Filner, Robin Seigle, Lisa Maxwell, and Trissan Maleskey in particular have given me pointers and encouragement in making this book relevant to anyone in a conflict. The dedication and skills of all of the staff and volunteers have been an inspiration to me.
Over the past 15 years, my family law and collaborative clients and professional colleagues have contributed greatly to my learning process and hope for helping people in conflict and in pain. You know who you are and I thank you greatly. Many others have given endlessly of their time in helping me refine my ideas and reading the text of this book, especially my long-term friends Dennis Doyle, Austin Manghan, and Norma Mark, who have given me detailed feedback that has made this a more useful book. I also want to thank Ellen Waldman for her critical feedback and suggesting the term “connecting” instead of bonding for this book, which helped lead to the four-step C.A.R.S. Method™.
Diane Buchman and Jenna Buchman continue to provide part-time office assistance to me, as well as very helpful feedback, including getting Tip #1 on track when I was struggling with the start of this book. Mariel Diaz has provided fresh energy to this work as a research assistant for the application of these ideas to family law professionals, as well as her suggestions on text revisions for this book.
My parents, Roland and Helen Eddy, have continued to be a source of inspiration well into their 90s. They don’t hesitate to ask good questions that others don’t ask, and continue to share their enthusiasm and knowledge about how people work and think. I thank them for being a source of comfort and inspiration for so many years, and for encouraging me to think that my work with people might be important.
Lastly, I want to thank Danielle LeClair Rakoz for her personal approach as my editor. She fit my style exactly, and developed an enthusiasm for this subject that went beyond her job. After attending one of my seminars, she asked me some of the most challenging questions about the HCP theory and she suggested whole new directions at key points in the writing of this book. I have agreed with almost all of her suggestions and I thank her for sharpening my writing—and thinking.
Part I: Understanding High Conflict People
Tip #1:Don’t Take Their Personal Attacks Personally
CHAPTER
1
________
Tip #1
Don’t Take Their Personal Attacks Personally
High Conflict People blame somebody else—almost anybody—when things don’t go well for them. The person they blame could be a neighbor, a co-worker, a family member, or even a stranger. This “Target of Blame” could even be you. If you’re not someone’s Target of Blame yet, you could be soon. High Conflict People are increasing in our society.
I wrote this book to help people prepare themselves for this increase of blaming in our society. For the past 30 years I’ve been working to resolve conflicts as a mediator, therapist, and attorney. In every area of life I’ve seen an increase in “high-conflict” disputes, where one person takes no responsibility for being part of the problem or part of the solution. So the problem just gets worse. Take, for example, the neighbor from hell.
The Neighbor From Hell
“It’s all your fault!” Alison screamed at her neighbor Pat.
Pat was shocked! Since Alison moved in next door three months ago, they’d gotten along just fine. But suddenly, Alison seemed to be another person, making loud noises at night and spreading rumors about Pat by day. Should Pat ignore her? Should Pat have an angry confrontation with Alison? She was tired and didn’t know what to do.
The Arrogant Co-Worker
“It’s all his fault!” Bob told the manager, pointing at his co-worker Jason.
Jason knew that Bob was arrogant and self-centered, but he never expected to be blamed in front of their boss—especially for something that Bob had done wrong. Should Jason tell the manager what’s really going on? Should he ignore Bob? Or should he organize his co-workers to confront Bob or the manager? He didn’t want to risk losing his job.
The Blaming Brother
“IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT THAT I LOST MY JOB AND MY APARTMENT!” Carlos wrote his sister, Maria, in an email. (He always wrote dramatically in bold and capital letters.)
Maria just sighed. He could never see all she had done for him. Carlos just kept blaming her for the problems he was constantly creating in his life. Should she continue to help him out? Should she cut off all communication and contact with him? Was she her “brother’s keeper?” She was exhausted!
Alison, Bob, and Carlos are typical of High Conflict People. Their stories and many others in this book will help you understand the surprisingly predictable ways that HCPs think and act, and the surprisingly simple (I didn’t say easy) methods for managing them.
The Increase In High Conflict People
Blaming others seems to be increasing. You’ve probably noticed. I’ve seen it working with disputes in families, schools, neighborhoods, businesses, hospitals, and the courts. It appears to be part of the increase in everyday conflict in our society. For example:
• In one study, over 80% of workers reported that at least one person in their workplace causes them serious stress (Cavaiola & Lavender, 2000).
• In 2006, for the first time, more workers reported “people problems” rather than workload as the number one stressor in the workplace (Hudson, 2006).
• In England, a poll in early 2006 showed that over the past several years most people reported an increase in petty crime and antisocial behavior in their neighborhoods (Rice-Oxley, 2006).
• In the United States, homeowners associations (HOAs) report that threats against board members are rising (Yi, 2006).
• The Wall Street Journal reported several studies that show an increase in high-conflict divorces over the past several years (Thernstrom, 2003).
While you’ve probably witnessed this increase in conflict and blaming (just watch the news), have you seen the pattern of this blaming behavior? Not everyone is constantly blaming others. But people with a certain personality pattern—perhaps 15% of our society and growing—seem preoccupied with blaming. I’ve been studying this high-conflict pattern for the past dozen years, and it’s amazing. Though it’s a growing problem, it’s a predictable problem—and can be managed in most cases, if you understand it.
Targets Of Blame
High-conflict disputes have the same basic characteristics, regardless of whether they’re about a friendship, a small amount of money, or even millions of dollars. There are at least two people involved:
1. High Conflict Person (HCP): This is someone who constantly gets into conflicts and often behaves badly. They blame others and avoid taking responsibility for their own problems or for changing their own behavior. Instead, they focus on the behavior of others. HCPs aren’t just difficult people—they’re the MOST difficult people, because they’re preoccupied with confronting a Target of Blame, and the Target of Blame could be anyone—even you.
2. Target of Blame (TOB): When an HCP blames another person for problems that are more their own making, I call the wrongly blamed person a Target of Blame. The dispute is not really about the Target, although it looks that way at first. It’s primarily about the person blaming the Target—the HCP.
HCPs seek Targets of Blame. Blaming others helps them feel better about themselves. This pattern of blaming is unconscious, meaning that they are totally unaware that it is a problem and that it is their own problem. HCPs are constantly in distress and blaming others. This helps them unconsciously feel safer and stronger. Yet they are totally unaware of the negative, self-defeating effects of this behavior. In a sense they’re blind.
Since HCPs can’t see the connections between their own behavior and their problems, their difficult behavior continues and their conflicts grow. That’s why they’re called “high-conflict” people.
High Conflict Personalities
High Conflict People have high-conflict personalities. Conflict is part of who they are. It’s a life-long personality pattern of thinking, feeling, and acting. Time after time, they avoid taking responsibility for their problems. Time after time, they argue against feedback, regardless of how helpful or truthful it may be. And time after time, they try to persuade others to agree with their rigid points of view and to help them attack their Targets of Blame. The issues come and go, but their personality traits keep them in conflict. Their problems remain unresolved and the stress on those around them often increases.
From my own experience and the feedback of many people who take my seminars, the HCP personality pattern seems to be the same regardless of the kind of conflict or who else is involved.
High Conflict Personality Pattern
1. Rigid and uncompromising, repeating failed strategies
2. Unable to accept or heal from a loss
3. Negative emotions dominate their thinking
4. Unable to reflect on their own behavior
5. Difficulty empathizing with others
6. Preoccupied with blaming others
7. Avoid any responsibility for the problem or the solution
Perhaps you know someone with this pattern. Someone who insists that you, or someone you know, is entirely to blame for a large, small, or nonexistent problem. If so, he or she may be an HCP. However, before you rush to tell that person that he or she is an HCP, remember your commitment at the start of this book: Don’t openly label people and don’t use this information as a weapon. As you read further, you’ll understand why this is so important.
Let me give you an example of this high-conflict personality pattern.
The Sleepless Father
When I was a therapist in the 1980s, I worked in a clinic for teenagers with drug problems. In one case, I counseled a 15-year-old boy who had experimented with marijuana and had once tried crystal methamphetamine with friends. His mother and father brought him to our outpatient clinic for individual therapy, hoping that he’d no longer use drugs, and because they believed he had an attitude problem. His grades at school hadn’t been affected by his drug use, so I met with him to see if individual counseling was enough for him to stop and deal with his “attitude.”
He seemed rather meek and had a history of being bullied and easily dominated by his friends. He said he didn’t want to use drugs, but that his friends had pressured him into it. Of course, that’s what many teenagers say, but in this case it appeared to be true.
We discussed ways he could say “No” when his peers wanted him to do things he didn’t want to do. We talked about learning assertiveness skills so that he wouldn’t be too passive or too aggressive with others. He seemed to feel good about our counseling session.
But when his father brought him back for his second counseling session, the father was furious, “Mr. Eddy, I woke up the other night at 2 a.m. and I was so upset about what my son had done to me by trying drugs that I couldn’t get back to sleep. I realized that he was keeping me awake, so I went into his room, woke him up, and pulled him out of bed. It was his fault I couldn’t sleep. Since he was keeping me awake, I told him he wasn’t allowed to sleep either. Mr. Eddy, you’d better make him change his attitude. And quick. I don’t want to lose any more sleep over this.”
“I’ll see what I can do,” I told the father, surprised at his intense anger and concerned about his pressure on me to work miracles.
When I met with the boy we talked about the incident and he was very uncomfortable. He said his father was always angry, and to keep his father calm he had to agree with him. He told me that his mother had to agree with the father all the time too. We talked about ways he might cope with his father being upset, besides using drugs.
“Your father told you not to use drugs, didn’t he? Weren’t you afraid of getting into trouble with him about that?” I asked the boy.
“Yes, but he wasn’t around and I didn’t think I would get caught,” he replied.
“Why do you think you used drugs?” I asked.
“I did it because I’m used to saying ‘Yes’ to everybody, including my father.”
“So maybe we can help you decide when it’s wise to say ‘Yes,’ and when it’s wise to say ‘No.’ You always have a choice, you know. And you’re responsible for your choices.”
“I don’t feel like I have a choice,” the boy said.
“We’ll have to work on that,” I said.
I thought the session went well. I made notes to myself to talk more with his father, to help him see that intimidating his son might influence him to be easily intimidated by friends or bullies at school.
Unfortunately, just before the third session, the father called and cancelled his son’s counseling—permanently. He said that his son wasn’t progressing fast enough. The boy seemed to feel better about himself, and that irritated the father.
“After your last session with him, he’s been full of himself. Thinks he has lots of choices in life. Boy, does he have that wrong!” the father said.
“Did he tell you that we discussed that he has to take responsibility for each of his choices?” I asked, hopefully.
“No, because I told him I didn’t want to discuss it at all. I told him he better stop right now thinking that he has choices. If you taught him that, Mr. Eddy, then this is your fault. You haven’t been helpful at all. I’m not bringing him back for any more counseling with you—or anyone else!”
And that was it. I felt like a total failure. At the time, I couldn’t think of anything I might have done, or the boy could have done, to satisfy the father. The father’s upset feelings weren’t caused by his son’s behavior—they came from inside of him.
Years later, I recognized that the father in this example was probably an HCP, and the son was his TOB. He blamed me intensely for a moment, but his son had been his Target of Blame for many years, and I imagine he continued to be for many more.
The father seemed to fit the pattern I described above:
1. Rigid and uncompromising, repeating his failed strategies: He endlessly repeated a very controlling strategy that didn’t work and made things worse.
2. Unable to accept or heal from a loss: He appeared to take his son’s drug experimentation as a personal insult to his own self-image as a successful parent, a loss of status he couldn’t accept.
3. Allows negative emotions to dominate his thinking: He let his emotions control his thinking, especially fear of his son’s problems and anger at his son’s independence and his son’s behavior that embarrassed him.
4. Unable to reflect on his own behavior: He didn’t seem to be looking at anything about his own behavior, yet his own behavior seemed to be a huge part of the problem.
5. Difficulty empathizing with others: He didn’t seem to have empathy for the boy, evidenced especially by pulling his son out of bed in the middle of the night to blame him some more.
6. Preoccupied with blaming others: He seemed clearly preoccupied with blaming his son—day and night. He even blamed me for teaching his son he had choices (and responsibilities).
7. Avoids any responsibility for the problem or the solution: He seemed to sincerely want to solve the problem of his son’s drug use, but he didn’t recognize that his own ongoing extreme behavior might be responsible for a part of the problem.
I started off with this example because I have a great deal of empathy for both the son and the father. The father wasn’t a bad person; he just couldn’t see the self-defeating effects of his own actions.
You might say, “Of course he knew that he shouldn’t pull his son out of bed in the middle of the night. Everyone knows that!” I used to think that way too. It took me a long to time to realize this: HCPs are truly unable to see the effects of their own behavior. That’s why they don’t change their behavior and their conflicts get worse.
The “Issue” Is Not the Issue
I used to think that high-conflict disputes were over really big issues, like millions of dollars or complicated contracts. However, I’ve had cases involving millions of dollars and complicated contracts that settled quickly and quietly. And I’ve had cases of people fighting over just a few hundred dollars that ended up in bitter court battles. I realize now that, when an HCP is involved, the “issue” is not the issue. The high-conflict personality is the issue driving the case. Here’s a rather disturbing neighbor example.
The Angry Homeowner
From time to time I speak at Homeowners’ Associations and am asked to consult with Community Boards. These boards have volunteers of community members who address various issues for the benefit of the community. One of the issues is approving or denying the construction of fences, walls, room additions, and other changes to a home. As you can imagine, people can disagree on these highly personal matters, but most do so in a reasonable manner. However, I’ve recently heard of more incidents of harassment, lawsuits, and occasional violence. Here is one such case.
Lucy was a 78-year-old board member of her condominium association. For several months, one of her neighbors, Charles, was in a heated conflict with the board. He wanted help with a water damage problem, but the board wanted him to first resolve a non-approved addition he had made to his bedroom. When that was resolved, the board would deal with the water damage problem. Not an unusual problem for the board or for a homeowner.
However, one day he became particularly angry and forced his way into Lucy’s home. He found her in her bedroom, grabbed her by the neck, and beat her head against the headboard of her bed. Because of her injuries, Lucy was barely able to speak after the attack. Charles was convicted of attempted murder and went to prison for seven years. Even though he’d clashed with the board for many months before Lucy had become a board member, he apparently focused all of his anger on her. He said he wanted her to die.
The attack reduced Lucy’s ability to hear and her ability to see at night. She immediately left the board. (Yi, 2006)
I wasn’t personally involved with this case, but it seems to me that Charles felt the “issue” of his condominium repairs was so important that Lucy deserved the full intensity of his wrath. Yet he refused to fix the problem that he first created (the addition without approval), which was the board’s only requirement before addressing the problems he raised later. This is typical of HCPs. He was responsible for his part of the problem, but he couldn’t make this connection. He appeared to believe it was all her fault. The “issue” was not the issue. She didn’t deserve his violent behavior. The issue was his personality and his own actions.
Internal Upsets
Not only are they unable to see how they upset other people, but HCPs are unable to see that their own distress may be caused by feelings and thoughts within themselves. Many of their problems appear to be driven by their own internal distress, which they think is caused by the actions of others. They keep having spontaneous upsets that have nothing to do with what’s going on around them or are triggered by minor or irrelevant events. Then they may act, or react, in a way that creates problems that didn’t previously exist.
In other words, the problem may be entirely of the person’s own making, but blamed entirely on someone else. When HCPs have a spontaneous upset, they think it was caused by their TOB. Therefore, throughout this book I refer to these crises as Internal Upsets or IUs: “I think it’s U causing me to feel this way.”
Close To Home
In August 2003, I read a letter to the editor in my local neighborhood newspaper by a father, Bill Hoffine, who was clearly preoccupied with his 14-year-old son’s math performance at school. He explained how he spent about 200 hours during the previous year helping his son, Evan Nash, with math. He wrote that Evan was an honors algebra student and that Evan couldn’t have done it without his help. He urged all parents to do the same and said he intended to continue his intensive math approach with his son for the next four years (Hoffine, 2003).
The letter stuck in my mind because it felt a little dictatorial and self-centered to me. It reminded me of the sleepless father of a few years earlier. I wondered what was going on behind the scenes.
What I didn’t know was that the same week Bill Hoffine wrote his letter to the editor, a restraining order had been obtained by Evan’s mother against him. Evan had reported to his therapist that his father had become suicidal and Evan was becoming fearful of his father. Mr. Hoffine had spent much of the past 14 years trying to get custody of Evan, trying to change his schools, and trying to limit his outside activities. There was a court file the size of a stack of phone books. Most court files are less than an inch thick. Apparently, Bill regularly threatened lawsuits against the psychologists and other professionals who became involved in his case.
By August 2003, Bill Hoffine had been unemployed for several months and had no visible prospects. He blamed Evan’s mother for his debt of several thousand dollars, and he owed thousands in back child support. When the restraining order was served, it said he must stay 100 yards away from her and Evan. A friend reported that Evan was the only focus of his life.
On September 4, 2003, a few blocks from my home, Evan was running with his school’s cross-country team on a city street when his father stepped out from behind a parked van and shot Evan several times. As Evan lay dying, his father left the scene and 10 hours later killed himself (Gross, Moran, & Hughes, 2003). These were tragic deaths that shocked the neighborhood and the family courts in San Diego. Local judges, attorneys, and mental health professionals held a meeting to try to understand what had happened and how to prevent such an incident in the future.
Yet this wasn’t caused by a restraining order or a custody dispute. Hundreds of those happen every day without this type of outcome. Something was wrong inside Bill Hoffine. He was having Internal Upsets that no one else caused. From the reports, he appears to have had a high-conflict personality. He was certainly self-absorbed and preoccupied with controlling his son for his own needs. He certainly seems to fit the High Conflict Personality Pattern.
Was Evan his Target of Blame? Clearly his mother was a Target. Did he kill Evan because he blamed Evan for telling his therapist that he was in danger from his father, which led to the restraining order? Did he kill Evan to permanently take him away from his mother? Or did he not really think at all, and just associated Evan with his Internal Upset? Tragically, we’ll never know.
Are There One Or Two HCPs?
In all of the high-conflict cases described above, it’s clear that one person was responsible for escalating the case. Only one person appeared to be an HCP.
Yet many disputes look like they’re caused by both people in the dispute—at least from the outside. In divorce disputes, some families are referred to as “high-conflict families” or “high-conflict couples.” This generalization can be unfair. It creates a situation that treats both people in the dispute as equally at fault for the conflict, even if they’re not. Many divorce professionals recognize that it is not always both parties driving the dispute (Friedman, 2004).
The assumption that both parties to a conflict are always at fault can occur in neighbor disputes, workplace disputes, and other settings. You commonly hear, “They just don’t get along.” “They’re both at fault.” “Why don’t you both just stop fighting.” “Just get over it.” This does a great disservice to those who are caught up in dealing with HCPs through no fault of their own. They may get along fine with most people, but have become Targets of Blame for HCPs.
In many ways, HCPs are similar to addicts. We don’t blame the addict’s spouse for the addict’s addiction. We don’t blame the addict’s arguments on “issues.” The problem is the addiction. With high-conflict cases, the problem is how HCPs create and promote conflict because of their personalities, not what their conflicts are about.
However, in many cases there are two or more HCPs. I researched this question with a law school professor in early 2006. We distributed a survey to all the family lawyers in our county, with 131 attorneys responding. They said they believed 49% of high-conflict cases were driven by just one party (one HCP) and 49% by both parties (two HCPs); 2% were not explained. These lawyers averaged more than 15 years experience in their fields.
So you can’t assume there are two high-conflict people fighting with each other, and you can’t assume that it’s always just one high-conflict person either. This means that you always need to keep an open mind.
You have to be very careful not to act like an HCP when you’re around an HCP, or people might think that you’re an HCP too.