Copyright 2014 © by Brett H. McKay and Kate R. McKay

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

ISBN 978-0-9891903-1-2

Semper Virilis Publishing

PO Box 978

Jenks, OK 74037

www.sempervirilis.com

Cover & Layout Design by Stan Perl

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction

Day 1: Define Your Core Values

Day 2: Shine Your Shoes

Day 3: Find a Mentor

Day 4: Increase Your Testosterone

Day 5: Cultivate Your Gratitutde

Day 6: Update Your Resume

Day 7: Reconnect with an Old Friend

Day 8: Start a Journal

Day 9: Take a Woman on a Date

Day 10: Memorize “If”

Day 11: Give Yourself a Testicular Exam

Day 12: Create Your Bucket List

Day 13: Declutter Your Life

Day 14: Write a Letter to Your Father

Day 15: Make a Meal

Day 16: Create a Budget

Day 17: Talke to 3 Strangers

Day 18: Find Your N.U.Ts

Day 19: Schedule a Physical

Day 20: Perform Service

Day 21: Write Your Own Eulogy

Day 22: Improve Your Posture

Day 23: Learn a Manual Skill

Day 24: Play!

Day 25: Start a Debt Repayment Plan

Day 26: Take the Marine Corp Fitness Test

Day 27: Start a Book

Day 28: Write a Love Letter

Day 29: Conquer a Fear

Day 30: Get a Straight Razor Shave

Conclusion: Congratulations!

INTRODUCTION

30 Days to a Better Man was a month-long series that originally appeared on the Art of Manliness website in June 2009. The goal of this project was simple: to encourage men to be better men in all areas of their lives. I’m sure all of us have made goals to improve ourselves. But often our goals become one of those well-meaning intentions that we plan to do¼some day. And if you’re like me, some day never comes, and you’re stuck in the same place of mediocrity you were before.

Personally, I’m more likely to follow through with a goal if I have a specific plan, instead of just some ethereal intention. I’m also more likely to accomplish a goal if I have a group of people who are encouraging me and keeping me accountable.

How It Works

Each chapter has a specific task to accomplish that day. The chapter will begin with a theory component in which we briefly explain the benefits of doing the task and how to go about accomplishing it. After that, you go out and do the task. The tasks will cover a variety of areas of a man’s life including relationships, health, career and money, and style. Even if you already do the things we assign, it’s always good to have a reminder to keep on doing it.

You can tackle as many of these tasks as you want in a single day, but we encourage you to take it one at a time. In my experience, when I’ve tried to make dramatic changes in my life (even for the better) I end up falling flat on my face. The name of the game here is small steps.

If you’re looking for more advice on being a better man, make sure to check out www.artofmanliness.com. Every day we post informative articles that are designed to improve and entertain men.

Let’s get started.

DAY 1

Define Your Core Values

When I look at photos of men from my grandfather’s and even my dad’s generation, I can see a sense of purpose in the eyes of those men. Yet when I look at men today, I often don’t sense that kind of steely focus. Instead, I see dudes who are just sort of drifting along whichever way life pulls them.

I’ve heard a lot of men my age complain of a sense of shiftlessness. They don’t have the drive, purpose, and ambition that our forbearers had, and they feel adrift.

And this isn’t some sort of cranky old man observation about “kids these days.” Several books and articles by sociologists back up these observations.

There are numerous factors why men are just sort of drifting by today. Changes in the economy and societal shifts in regards to gender are definitely two major factors. But, let’s be honest. There’s not much a man, let alone a man stuck in neutral, can do about these things. So, today we’re going to focus on something that we all have the power to control: our core values.

The Importance of Clearly Defining Your Core Values

DEFINING OUR VALUES GIVES US PURPOSE.

When you don’t know or you haven’t clearly defined your values, you end up drifting along in life. Instead of basing your decisions on an internal compass, you make choices based on circumstances and social pressures. You end up trying to fulfill other people’s expectations instead of your own. And before you know it, life has passed you by and you haven’t even started to live. Trying to be someone else and living without core values is exhausting and leaves you feeling empty and shiftless. Conversely, living a life in line with your core values brings purpose, direction, happiness, and wholeness.

DEFINING OUR VALUES PREVENTS US FROM MAKING BAD CHOICES.

Perhaps you have a vague idea about what you value. But if you haven’t clearly defined your values, you can end up making choices that conflict with them. And when your actions conflict with your values, the result is unhappiness and frustration.

DEFINING OUR VALUES GIVES US CONFIDENCE.

I’ve noticed that when I take the time to really think and meditate upon what I value as a man and then write those things down, I’m more likely to have the courage and confidence to make choices based on those values. There’s something about actually writing down your values that makes you more committed to living them.

DEFINING OUR VALUES MAKES LIFE SIMPLER.

When you’re sure of your core values, making decisions becomes much simpler. When faced with a choice, you simply ask yourself, “Does this action align with my values?” If it does, you do it. If it doesn’t, you don’t. Instead of fretting over what’s the best thing do to, and standing shilly-shally in times of crisis, you simply let your internal compass guide you.

How to Discover Your Values

Your task for Day 1 of our 30 Days to a Better Man project is to discover, clearly define, and write down your core values. Before we begin, let’s be clear that we’re not trying to define goals here. Goals are specific actions, like “becoming financially independent by age 30” or “asking my girlfriend to marry me this June.” What we are looking for are values: the ideas that you esteem to be of great worth and that give structure to your life.

1. Get nice and relaxed. Go to a quiet room and sit in a big comfy chair (maybe even sit in your closet; something about small spaces helps you think), grab the fishing pole and spend an hour or two casting your line into the fishing hole, or take a walk on a nature trail or around your neighborhood. Just do whatever works for you.
2. Have the proper tools. Have a pen and paper handy so you can write down your values as they come to you. I don’t recommend using a computer to do this as it’s pretty easy to get distracted from the task at hand. Write on something you won’t accidentally throw away and that will last for many years to come.
3. Ask yourself this question: “What’s truly important to me as man?” Once you’re nice and relaxed, simply ask yourself what’s truly important to you. Think about those moments in your life when you felt completely whole and fulfilled as a man. Think about the times when you’ve been the happiest. If nothing comes to you at first, don’t worry. Just keep thinking.
4. Write down whatever comes to you. When you have a moment of insight about what’s important to you, write it down. Don’t self-censor yourself. Be completely honest during this process. No one else is going to see this, so don’t list the values that you think “should” be on your list. If it comes to you, write it. You’ll be able to go back and edit the list in the next step. For now, just do a total brain dump. (Also, don’t worry about prioritizing them yet. We’ll do that later. Our goal right now is to just get down whatever comes to you.)
5. If you have more than five values, eliminate some. Think hard about what you truly value in life. Put a star by the values you’re sure about. Then take the ones that you feel are important, but aren’t sure if they’re top 5 material, and put them in pairs. Think about two of those values side by side, and ask yourself which of the two is more important. Then eliminate the other. Keep pitting the survivors against each other until you’re down to 5. If some of the values you listed are just two words describing the same idea, combine them.
6. Prioritize. Once you whittle your list to five core values, prioritize them in order from most important to least important. Ideally, your core values complement each other, but there might be times when two or more conflict. When that happens, which value will trump? If you know this before that choice presents itself, you’ll know how to proceed. And even if your values conflict in the future, look for creative ways to combine them. For example, family might be your top priority, but so is volunteering. When you have the choice of spending time with your kids or signing up to help at a charity event, do both by bringing the kiddos along with you.

If you’re having trouble getting started, I’ve provided a list of values that you might consider. The list isn’t exhaustive; there are literally hundreds of values you could have.

• Adventure
• Balance
• Confidence
• Control
• Creativity
• Discipline
• Education
• Faith
• Family
• Financial Security
• Friends
• Freedom
• Fulfillment
• Forgiveness
• Fun
• God
• Growth
• Happiness
• Health
• Hope
• Honesty
• Humor
• Independence
• Integrity
• Kindness
• Knowledge
• Marriage
• Peace of mind
• Power
• Progress
• Reason
• Security
• Self-reliance
• Service
• Spirituality
• Strength
• Success
• Truth
• Wisdom

Today’s Task:Define Your Core Values

Your task for Day 1 is to discover, clearly define, and write down your core values.

MY 5 CORE VALUES

Write your core values in the space provided below and revisit them now and then to remind yourself what’s truly important to you:

1. ________________________________________________________
2. ________________________________________________________
3. ________________________________________________________
4. ________________________________________________________
5. ________________________________________________________

DAY 2

Shine Your Shoes

There’s a lot of sage wisdom to be found in the film The Shawshank Redemption. But there is one detail the movie got wrong: people do notice your shoes (especially women). And while it’s true that people don’t spend an awful lot of time staring at your shoes, you’d be surprised at how often you look at your own feet. And when you look down and can practically see your reflection in your shoes, it gives you a sense of satisfaction, a boost in you confidence, and some added pep in your step. Too many men put on a nice pair of dress pants and a freshly pressed shirt, but then ruin the whole get-up with scuffed shoes. A pair of glassy, shined shoes will pull your whole appearance together.

So your task today is to shine your shoes. Get out every pair of dress shoes that you own and get them all into ship-shape condition. You never know when you’re going to need to don a pair, and the last thing you want to do is be ready to run at the door to an important meeting and realize that your shoes are in no condition to meet the public. Having a closet full of shined shoes ensures that you are ready for any occasion, at the drop of a hat. Plus, shining your shoes is the kind of quiet, repetitive activity that will calm your mind and soothe your stress.

To get started on today’s task, check out our post on How to Shine Your Shoes Like a Soldier. We also have an illustrated guide and a video tutorial to help guide you along. You don’t need a fancy shoe shining kit to do this. Just a few cans of Kiwi shoe polish and a couple of rags can get the job done. You can find shoe polish at most drug and grocery stores for a couple of bucks a can.

After you’re all set up, read these additional shoe shining tips we gleaned from that original post’s numerous comments:

1. Rubbing alcohol is a good polish stripper, which should be done every so often, particularly if the boots haven’t been shined in a long time (dirt gets embedded into the polish). (From Eric B.)
2. Those little pantyhose-like foot covers they have at shoe stores? Grab a handful of those and stretch one taut and buff with a sawing motion as fast as you can for a few minutes. The friction and pressure combine to make a little heat that really brings the shine out. I never used anything more than an old pair of socks cut up into rags, a can of Kiwi, and some old pantyhose, and I rarely find shinier shoes. (From Charlie)
3. Shine your boots to the usual black glass look, and then put a coat of Blue Lincoln wax on and buff. The blue wax will make your boots glow. (From Ron Waters)
4. I used cotton wool balls for ages until I discovered make-up removal pads (the little flat round ones). You can wrap them around your finger for much better control, they stand less chance of scratching the polish with a fingernail, and they don’t leave little bits of cotton behind if you’re a little careless. (From Tom)

Today’s Task:Shine Your Shoes

Nothing too difficult here. Bust out your shoe shine kit and start brushing!

DAY 3

Find A Mentor

A few years ago we wrote about the importance of a mentor in a man’s life. Figuring out what it means to be a man can be tough. And it’s arguably tougher for men today, who are often more socially isolated, don’t have as many friends, and don’t have strong relationships with their fathers and other male relatives. It’s therefore more important than ever for every man to seek out mentors to help him navigate the complicated waters of manliness and life.

Mentors have the experience and wisdom to give us sound guidance, direction, and advice. Mentors can also help us expand our point of view on a particular area of our life. Moreover, a mentor can become a good friend and confidant during times when we struggle and falter.

So having a mentor is quite important. The tricky part is, how do you find one? Here’s a suggested road map.

How to Find a Mentor

1. Determine what sort of mentor you’re looking for. We all have different facets of our lives. Work, school, spirituality, family, etc. Ask yourself what area of your life needs improvement and could benefit from a mentor. And it doesn’t have to be a specific area of your life like career or church. Perhaps you’re just looking for a mentor to help you be an all around better man. That’s fine.
2. Draw up a list of three men that you’d like to mentor you. Think of all the men you know that might be able to help you in the area that you’re looking for some mentoring in. Guys that you’ve always looked up to or admired and wish you had a better relationship with. If you’re looking for a mentor to help you in your career, look around at the men you know at work that have been in the game awhile and know the ropes. If you’re a student, you might want to pick a professor that really inspires you academically. If you’re looking for a mentor to help you be an overall better man, simply think of the men you know and admire. While we often think of a mentor as being older than us, a mentor can be a guy the same age as you, who just has his life together a bit more or who lives his life in a way you really admire. Also, don’t stick with men that are exactly like you. One of the benefits of a mentor is that they can help expand your point of view.
3. Write down how each mentor could help you grow as a man. Think of the traits each man has that you wish to learn. Do some research on them. Do they come from a similar background as you? Do they have unique experiences that can broaden your conception and understanding of success in a particular area of your life? Have they had any setbacks similar to yours? What is it exactly about this person that makes you want him to be your mentor? This will come in handy when you finally get around to asking.
4. Figure out what you expect from the mentor relationship. Before you ask someone to be your mentor, you need to know what he should expect from the relationship. How often would you like to meet with him? Once a week? Once a month? How do you want the mentoring to take place? A discussion over lunch? Email? A monthly phone call? When you’re deciding this, take into account the men you’re asking to be your mentor and what will work for them. If you know one man is particularly busy, you wouldn’t want to ask that he meet with you once a week.
5. Ask the first man on your list. After you’ve done all your prep work, it’s time to ask. Whether you call, email, or a write a letter to do the asking will depend on each person. Some older men might be “old school” and prefer a phone call or letter over email. If they’re younger and a bit tech savvy, email is just fine.

   Tell your prospective mentor that you’re looking for a mentor in “x” area of your life and that you think he’d be a good one. Explain why you think he’d be a good mentor by sharing some of the positive traits about him that you wrote down. People love to be praised!

   If you get some positive feedback from your prospective mentor about the relationship, go on and start discussing logistics. Explain what you’re hoping to get out of the mentorship and get an idea of what he’d like to get out of it as well. Synchronize schedules and how you two plan to carry out the mentorship. The clearer you are at the beginning, the less likely for awkward moments down the line.

   If asking someone so directly to be your mentor makes you feel awkward (or you think it might make them feel uncomfortable) then just ask the man to have lunch or hang out some time. Start dropping by the professor’s office or your co-worker’s cubicle for chats. And the relationship will hopefully develop naturally from there.

6. Expect rejection. Don’t’ get discouraged and don’t take it personally if people say no. People are busy these days, and they just might not have time to be a mentor. If the first man says no, go on to the second.
7. Say “thank you.” No matter if you get a no or a yes, be sure to thank the person.

Now, it might not be possible to find a mentor in just one day, but let’s at least get started on it.

Today’s Task:Find a Mentor

• Pick an area in your life where you think a mentor can help you and draw up a list of three potential mentors.
• Describe why you think they’d be good.
• By the end of the 24 hours, contact this mentor. Send an email or letter, call them, or drop by their office. You don’t actually have to visit with them during this day, but make contact with them in some form.

What area in your life do you need a mentor for? ___________________

___________________________________________________________

Write down your three possible mentors, and why they’d be a good fit.

1. _________________________________________________________
2. _________________________________________________________
3. _________________________________________________________

DAY 4

Increase Your Testosterone

When it comes to the differences between men and women, some are arguably cultural and some are biological. And the ones that are biological all pretty much have one thing in common: testosterone.

It was testosterone that helped form your penis and scrotum when you were just a fetus, and testosterone that put those first awesome hairs on your chest as a teenager. You may not have thought about testosterone much since your voice cracked while reciting Shakespeare in Mrs. Tonnelson’s ninth grade English class. But you should. A lot, actually. Why, you ask? Well, ask yourself the following questions:

• Do you feel like your libido has been ebbing away?
• Has erectile dysfunction caused you embarrassment?
• Have you been carrying some extra pounds that won’t go away?
• Do you often feel physically and mentally tired?
• Do you feel depressed and unhappy?
• Do you feel shiftless and lack drive?
• Do you wish you felt more like a man?

Testosterone is not the cure for all of life’s ills. But it can go a long way in addressing these ailments and contributing to your overall health and well-being.

WHAT IS TESTOSTERONE?

Testosterone is part of the androgen group and is the primary male sex hormone. The majority of your T is produced by your trusty testes. Women have T too, but men have 40-60 times greater amounts in their bodies. Testosterone is what gives you bigger muscles and organs than women. And it’s what gives you a “male brain,” which is larger than the female brain (although we should strongly point out that size has nothing to do with intelligence) but which has a decreased connection between the hemispheres. Perhaps most importantly, T is what enables you to rock an awesome beard or mustache. Testosterone maintains your manly characteristics throughout your whole life and regulates several systems in your body.

So T is pretty damn important to a man. It’s what makes you feel like a man, man. So if you haven’t been feeling too manly lately, or maybe ever, perhaps it’s time for you to throw yourself a T party.

THE BENEFITS OF TESTOSTERONE

Testosterone has been scientifically proven to:

• Improve your mental and physical energy
• Increase your competitive drive
• Increase your muscle size and strength
• Increase your metabolism
• Help prevent Alzheimer’s and dementia
• Increase libido and prevent erectile function

Every man is born with different levels of testosterone, and T secretion naturally falls as a man ages. And overdosing on testosterone (read: steroids) can have negative health effects. But modern environmental, cultural, and dietary changes are artificially decreasing men’s normal T levels, and at a younger and younger age. According to a recent study:

“Researchers in the US are finding testosterone levels to be substantially lower — by about 15 to 20% — than they were fifteen years ago. Scandinavian studies show similar declines, and in younger men too; a man born in 1970, for example, had about 20 percent less testosterone at 35 than a man of his father’s generation at the same age.”

SO WHAT’S SAPPING OUR T? HERE’S A FEW OF THE FACTORS AT PLAY: