Acknowledgements

I feel incredibly blessed to find myself in the place of recovery, peace, and acceptance that I’m in today. Regaining control over my life and then being able to help others do the same with this book is not something I could have done alone. There are some very important people in my life who deserve a major THANK YOU:

Penny Eifrig (Eifrig Publishing): Thank you for believing in the importance of my message and working as hard as you did to make sure it was heard. Becoming your friend in the process was a bonus!

Melissa Atkins Wardy: You encouraged me to reach a wider audience and inspired me with your own tireless efforts to create a world where kids can be kids whose dreams have no limits.

Hugo Schwyzer, Dr. Jennifer Shewmaker, Dominique Bosshart, Dr. Irwin Cohen, Derek Virgo, Randi Bigman, Rosie Schwartz, Samantha Montpetit-hyunh, and Tracy Moore: I thank you for your insight and expertise.

Ian Darling: I owe you a giant thank you for the time, energy, and talent it took to design my cover photo and Fit vs. Fiction body image awareness posters. I’m truly grateful.

Mickey Held, Lisa Goodman, Laura Landauer, and Reesa Cohen: Thanks for never giving up on our friendships when my struggles made them difficult to maintain. Unconditional love personified.

My Family:

Carol and Leon Aronson: Thank you for loving without judgement and offering support without conditions.

My husband, Rob: I will always be grateful for the way you believed in me when I had stopped believing in myself and for proving that we really can make it through anything.

My kids, Dylan and Logan: Thanks for being a constant reminder of what’s truly important in life and for being so darn easy to love!

What people are saying:

“A must-read for anyone struggling with weight control and body image issues of any kind!! While weight loss centers, extreme diets, TV diet doctors, negative media and the internet may all have caused a great deal of confusion about the way we should look, this book provides realistic and meaningful solutions. I want all my patients to read this before they start any ‘diet,’ health or wellness program.”

Zoltan P. Rona, M.D., M.Sc., author of “Vitamin D, The Sunshine Vitamin”

“This book is fantastic! Seeing a significant increase in eating disorders and body image issues in many girls and boys coming into therapy, I am delighted to see Marci’s book. She reveals many real and ongoing struggles that children are experiencing today and provides insight, clarity and techniques to help children begin to identify theses difficulties and overcome them.”

Marilyn Strauch, M.A., Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of eating disorders

“Kids ask tough questions - particularly when it comes to body image, bullying and self-esteem -- and Warhaft-Nadler does not shrink from a single one of them. The scenario-based question-and-answer format makes THE BODY IMAGE SURVIVAL GUIDE a parents’ go-to reference at all stages of their children’s development.”

Sandra E. Martin, Today’s Parent magazine, editor

“For anyone and everyone who loves a young person who is struggling with low self-esteem, ‘The Body Image Survival Guide’ is indispensable. With tremendous compassion and insight, Marci Warhaft-Nadler equips parents to take action and make a tangible, enduring difference in their children’s lives. We all want to help our kids feel better about their bodies; this book is the perfect manual to help us do just that.”

Hugo Schwyzer, Ph.D., Professor of Gender Studies, Pasadena City College

“Marci Warhaft-Nadler provides parents with specific, practical ways to combat the body pressures that their children face in today’s culture. The Body Image Survival Guide for Parents is a must-read for any parent who’s been wondering how to help their child build positive body esteem.”

Jennifer W. Shewmaker, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Psychology

Abilene Christian University

“This book is a tremendous resource for parents of kids of all ages! Warhaft-Nadler gives parents the script we need to engage our kids in the type of conversations we all should be having. It’s an engaging, easy-to-read book that will inspire and encourge healthy self-esteem in everyone who reads it.”

Andrea Donsky, Health and Wellness specialist, Founder of www.NaturallySavvy.com, author of “Unjunk Your Junkfood”

“At the biggest stages of sport as well as martial arts, the greatest strength of an individual lies solely within, and it is precisely due to this reasoning that the boundaries for success are determined or deterred through self-image. I applaud Ms. Warhaft-Nadler for taking on such a task; as a mother, an educator, and victim of diffidence, she brings many important factors for discussion. Ms. Warhaft-Nadler pin-points clearly the determinants of a positive environment, the role each of us play, and the dialogue needed to prevent negative self-image.”

Akmal Farah, Canadian National Takewondo team captain

©2013 by Marci Warhaft-Nadler

Front cover design and Fit vs. Fiction posters by Ian Darling

Back cover top photo by Sean Gallup, author photo by Stephanie Weiner, interior illustrations by Rolf Schröter

Printed in the United States of America

All rights reserved. This publication is protected by Copyright, and permission should be obtained from the publisher prior to any prohibited reproduction, storage in a retrieval system, or transmission in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or likewise.

Published by Eifrig Publishing, LLC

PO Box 66, 701 Berry Street, Lemont, PA 16851.

Knobelsdorffstr. 44, 14059 Berlin, Germany

For information regarding permission, write to:

Rights and Permissions Department,

Eifrig Publishing, LLC

PO Box 66, 701 Berry Street, Lemont, PA 16851, USA.

permissions@eifrigpublishing.com, 888-340-6543.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Warhaft-Nadler, Marci,

The Body Image Survival Guide for Parents: Helping Toddlers, Tweens, and Teens

Thrive

/ written by Marci Warhaft-Nader

p.      cm.

Includes Quick References and links for downloading materials

1. EDUCATION: Guidance. 2. JUVENILE NON-FICTION: Self-Esteem. 3. Body Image. 4. SELF-HELP: Eating Disorders

I. Warhaft-Nadler, Marci II. Title.

17 16 15 14 2013

5    4    3   2   1

Printed on acid-free paper. ∞

This book is dedicated to my mother, Shirley Mayne, and my brother, Billy Warhaft, who made sure I felt loved every minute I had them in my life. I lost you too soon, but know I was blessed to have you at all. I hope I’ve made you proud.

M. W.-N.

CONTENTS

My Journey

Introduction

Chapter 1   Ages 0-3: Does this diaper make my butt look big?

Chapter 2   Ages 4-8: Do I look chubby in this snowsuit?

Chapter 3   Ages 9-12: Do these hormones make me look fat?

Chapter 4   Think body image issues are just for girls? Think again.

Chapter 5   Ages 13 and up: Teen years = increased body fears

Chapter 6   Life outside of school

Chapter 7   How to help your overweight child

Chapter 8   When mom or dad needs to lose weight

Chapter 9   Womb for rent

Chapter 10 Does mom/grandma always know best?

Chapter 11 The dangers of negative body image

Chapter 12 What if mom is the one with body image issues?

Chapter 13 Schools: Education without humiliation

Chapter 14 Media madness and fat phobia

Quick Reference:

Sticky Questions / Solid Answers

Internet Resources

Family Fun Activities

Warning Signs

Pledges

Introduction

Let’s face it, becoming a parent can be as scary as it is exciting, and despite our best efforts to be as prepared as humanly possible, there are some situations that you may never see coming.

We expect our kids, regardless of what age they are, to deal with a certain amount of worry now and then, but there are certain concerns that just make more sense than others. Having to reassure your child that you’ll be home soon the first time you leave her home at with a babysitter, or spending a few minutes before bedtime clearing his closet of monsters is to be expected, but having to convince your stressed out six-year-old that her nightgown or snowsuit does not, in any way, make her look fat, is not the kind of thing most of us are prepared for.

Gone are the days when it seemed like only teenage girls worried about their weight; now girls and boys as young as five years old are struggling with body image issues. Day after day, kids are bombarded with messages from the media, society, their peers, as well as countless other sources, telling them that they aren’t good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, and certainly not THIN enough. As a result, more and more kids are putting their health and lives at risk by engaging in dangerous behaviors to get what they think is the ideal physique.

It’s hard to believe, but research confirms that children have adopted society’s warped view on body shape and size by the time they are just five years old. One has to wonder how society is finding its way into their young psyches so soon. Are the negative messages of selfjudgment sneaking through some window we’re inadvertently leaving open, or are they blatantly smashing through the front door? I think it’s a combination of both. Some of the messages our kids are getting are loud and clear and therefore easy to spot, but others are much more subtle and even more dangerous because we don’t even see them coming.

Kids are struggling. We need to understand the threat that they’re dealing with and then face it head on.

As a body image specialist, my goal is to tear down the harmful myths surrounding beauty and fitness and empower kids to love and appreciate themselves for who they are instead of judge themselves for who they think they’re not. When I lecture at schools, I hear from kids who are thoroughly confused when it comes to their body image. They’re confused about how they’re supposed to look, how they’re supposed to feel, and who they’re supposed to be. It’s not easy being a kid in this crazy world we live in and it’s even tougher being a parent.

I cannot begin to tell you how often I hear questions like:

“What do I tell my daughter when she asks me if she’s fat?”

“Why does my nine-year-old son want six-pack abs?”

“How can I tell if my child has an eating disorder?”

“What can I do to make sure my child is getting the healthiest messages at home?”

Like it or not, society is going to be telling our kids a lot of things about themselves that we don’t agree with and their messages are going to be loud, so it’s our job as parents to make sure our healthy, positive ones are even louder.

Forward by Melissa Atkins Wardy

I talk with hundreds of parents every week about issues our children face while trying to grow up in a media-saturated culture that values beauty and style over brains and substance. Time and again, one of the big concerns I hear is the worry parents have about their children and body image. Parents of children ages two to thirty-two have written to me asking for help to restore a positive body image. I have even had people write to me who are not yet parents, but are concerned about the body image of their future children. When we look at the statistics from research showing us just how preoccupied our young kids are with the perceived perfection of their bodies and how young this starts, I think it is safe to say we are at the tipping point on this issue.

Parents are in need of talking points and action items that families can embrace and put to good use. Families need a tool kit to navigate their way through our body-conscious culture in the age of obesity and Photoshop. Poor body image should not be a prescribed conclusion for our daughters, and parents can play a huge role in breaking the cycle of self-loathing. The same can be said for our sons, as we seem to be learning more and more about how the distorted male physique in media is impacting boy’s body image. We need to raise a generation of kids who rebuke the messages the media is trying to sell them about their bodies, and instead give our children more meaningful, inclusive, and lasting definitions upon which they measure their worth.

When Marci Warhaft-Nadler and I were first getting to know each other while we were creating a Body Image Workshop for my blog, we had several phone chats scheduled to get a sense of how the other was approaching body image and teaching parents. I think our shortest phone call was just under two and a half hours. It is important to be passionate about your work, and that comes through in the interviews Marci gives and in her writing. I think it is important for your work to resonate with others and to create change, and Marci accomplishes that through her tips and advice.

We are more than the sum of our parts. Parents, families, schools, and communities can start to shift the way we relate to our bodies and how we teach our children to value their bodies. Adults can lead by example and model what positive body image looks and feels like. And that is the key, isn’t it? Feeling good in our skin. It really makes life delicious when we can accomplish that!

This book is the tool kit parents have been searching for. In short, it is the conversation we should be having about what we are teaching our kids regarding health, food, and how we relate to our bodies as we travel through life. It has the conversation ideas and projects families can turn into a way of life, just like teaching “please and thank you” and the ABC’s. It really can be that simple, but first we have to be willing to get honest with ourselves and how we feel about, treat, and relate to our own bodies. Our children are born full of awesome. Let’s make sure they stay that way, and give them the foundation they need to love their body as they grow.

Byline: Melissa Atkins Wardy is the owner of Pigtail Pals & Ballcap Buddies, a company offering apparel and gifts for children, inspired by the beauty of childhood. She advocates and writes about issues involving gender stereotypes and the sexualization of childhood.

My Journey

Growing up, I was the last kid you’d think would have body image or food issues. I was athletic, confident, outgoing, and generally very happy. I also loved food. I never thought that by the time I was a teenager I would end up using it to hurt myself. I spent years restricting myself from it and then years compulsively overeating it, and I’ve put my health at risk more times than I can count. The scary thing is that only my family and closest friends knew what I was going through. To outsiders I was in complete control.

My body image issues started with a trauma, as they often do. When I was 17 years old, my older brother passed away from liver disease when he was just 21. When Billy died, a big part of my self-esteem died with him. But I tried to keep that hidden.

I spent 25 years working in the fitness industry as a dance instructor and personal trainer. I spent my days, nights, and weekends telling people how to take care of their bodies, while secretly abusing my own. Telling other people how to eat well and exercise properly was the easy part. Showing myself the same kindness and respect was far more difficult. It took me until my mid-30s to find the courage and strength I needed to recover.

We are living in a society that glamorizes skinny bodies for girls and muscular physiques for boys, and as a result, our kids are more stressed than ever about living up to the images they see around them. After I was lucky enough to find recovery, I created “Fit vs. Fiction,” an interactive workshop I bring to schools to tear down the dangerous myths related to fitness and beauty, and empower kids to appreciate themselves for who they are and encourage them to believe in all they can be.

Today, I’m the mother of two amazing boys who have seen me overcome some pretty tough challenges, and I hope they have learned something from the experience. Having been through what I have with my own issues, I am determined to help kids avoid the traps that I couldn’t. As a parent, it’s easy to feel powerless when our kids are struggling, but the good news is, we are anything but powerless. There are things we can do to help our kids grow up with a healthy self-esteem and positive body image. I want to help other parents not only spot potential problems but also prevent them through open dialogue and activities. The first step is to understand the issues we’re facing, and the next step is to start dealing with them. Remembering how hard it was for my mother to watch me mistreat myself the way I did, wishing she had had somewhere to look for answers, I’m hoping to provide parents with the tools they need to help their kids tune out the nonsense and tune in to their own incredible potential.

It took me close to 20 years to figure it out, but one thing I know for sure is that self-worth should not be measured in pounds.

Chapter 1

Ages 0-3: Do I look fat in these diapers?

Yes, you read that right. Believe it or not, we need to start building our kids’ self-esteem from the very beginning. The facts are beyond disturbing, but unless we understand what we’re dealing with, we won’t be prepared to deal with the tricky situations that may come up.

Studies show:

81% of 10-year-olds are afraid of getting fat &

51% of 9- and 10-year-old girls feel better about themselves if they are on a diet.¹

At least 46% of 9-year-olds restrict eating.²

Hospitalizations for eating disorders in children under 12 years of age increased by 119% between 1999 and 2000.³

As parents, we want to protect our children from the superficial and often judgmental world that awaits them, but it’s a task that can feel somewhat overwhelming. The good news is that there is a lot we can do, starting from the minute we bring our babies home, to empower them with a strong, healthy self-esteem and to help them grow up with the self-confidence they deserve. While these statistics are scary, they can also be changed. We’ve finally started challenging society’s views on beauty, and I truly believe we’re headed in the right direction. Kids need to believe that their self-worth isn’t measured in pounds or in someone else’s opinion of who they should be because if they can grow up loving and respecting themselves for who they are, there will be no limit as to what they can become.

How do we get started?

When our kids are this young, we are pretty much in control of their environment. We control what they see and hear, and this definitely works to our advantage. Here are a few suggestions to help create the kind of environment that will help your kids to grow up loving who they are, instead of judging who they think they’re not.

ROLE MODELLING

I cannot say this strongly enough: Little girls learn so much about how to treat themselves by watching their moms (and sisters and grandmas and aunts). It’s crucial that daughters see their mothers being kind and accepting of themselves. This can take work, because it’s become almost second nature to criticize our jiggly arms or round tummies and we don’t realize that these seemingly harmless comments are anything but harmless. As silly as it may feel sometimes, make a point of complimenting yourself, out loud, on a daily basis. Challenge yourself to do so in creative ways. For example: Feel free to look in the mirror and proudly say, “I LOVE my arms because I use them to lift and hug my baby, to roll out cookie dough and maybe even do a few push ups” and, “ I LOVE my thighs because I use them to dance with my baby and walk through the park.”

Extend those compliments to your baby by saying things like, “Oh, look at your strong legs climb the steps!” or, “ Let’s wash those busy arms and feet!” or, “ Does it feel good to have a tummy full of healthy food?” or, “ Big Girl! Look how much you’ve grown since Christmas!”

Your little ones won’t understand the concept of “healthy food” or how much time has passed since Christmas, but they will understand your tone of voice and attitude as you set a framework for how your family will view body image.

By doing this, your child will grow up loving her body for what it can do, not judging it for how it looks. The best part of this exercise is that by committing to just a few seconds of self-appreciation every day, you’ll see your own self-esteem increase as well.

Sticky Question: My three-year-old has a bit of a potbelly and is rubbing it while complaining that she looks fat! What do I say?

Solid Answer: Tell her that she’s supposed to have a round belly at her age because her body is growing and getting stronger every day. Explain that there are a lot of muscles and organs in her tummy that are filling it up and as she gets older, her legs and arms will get longer and she’ll get taller and her belly will get flatter. Let her know that you love her belly because it’s part of a truly wonderful kid!

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