Praise for It’s All Your Fault at Work
“Bill Eddy’s model for high-conflict personalities has proved an invaluable aid when working with our toughest employee relations cases. His practical advice provides a very useful framework for recognizing and understanding different workplace personalities and developing the most effective approach to handling them.”
—KEITH EPSTEIN, senior workplace investigator, Intel Corporation
"In today’s global economy, increased collaboration forces more complexity and turbulence upon us. In this environment, high-conflict personalities struggle more than ever to manage their extremes and maintain control of their relationships with others. As extreme behaviors proliferate, we are tasked with being more measured in our response. Bill Eddy and Georgi DiStefano offer an impressive practical tool for all of those caught in the dysfunctions of our modern workplace. Recommended to all global executives dealing with conflict and change!”
—GIUSEPPE CARELLA, managing director, Thunderbird School of Global Management
"Bill Eddy and Georgi DiStefano manage to combine their advanced knowledge and skills to produce practical and workable tips. Easy to read, understand, and use—a really useful and helpful book.”
—PROFESSOR TANIA SOURDIN, director, Australian Centre for Justice Innovation, Monash University
“It’s All Your Fault at Work presents expertly crafted strategies and techniques for dealing with difficult people in the workplace, where it is not possible to ignore them or walk away. Here are clear, concise, commonsense interventions for managing a wide array of dysfunctional personality traits and personality disorders. This book transfers their knowledge to the real-life everyday work environment—offering an important reference guide for all of us.”
—KARENLEE ROBINSON, MS, MHA, retired CEO, Sharp Mesa Vista Hospital
"Every employment manager should have this book within easy reach for help in reducing tensions and conflict with certain employees—the ones nothing seems to work with, the employees Bill Eddy has identified as high-conflict people. The methods in this book are just the antidote for dealing with toxic workplace environments that these employees create.”
—DENNIS SHARP, president, Sharp Resolutions
"Bill Eddy and Georgi DiStefano provide a sturdy key to turn the lock on the door that had seemed, at the time, permanently stuck shut. They invite us to think about how to take an insurmountable pile of thorny, irrational issues and turn them into professionally astute moments of respectful action. The key has never turned without labour, but it has been made less effortful with their insights, options, and solutions.”
—COLLEEN DOYLEND, corporate learning and development specialist, Alberta Electric System Operator
"The authors’ real life examples help managers and employees grasp the key points in managing high-conflict personalities. Their tips are ’spot on’ in terms of what is happening now in the workplace.”
—TEDDI REILLY, MBA, vice president of Human Resources, D&K Engineering, Inc.; president, San Diego Human Resources Forum
"Bill Eddy has done it again! The MAD, BAD, RAD, and CARS acronyms are useful in remembering the simple, step-bystep approaches available to keep us sane in insane encounters. And, I love the emphasis on “feed forward” instead of “feedback” when communicating and how it ties into the workings of the brain. The humor woven into this serious topic creates a sense of hope and empowerment that something can be done to deal with these difficult behaviors and high conflict people. An invaluable tool to everyone in the workplace!”
—DR. DEBRA DUPREE, LMFT, President, Relationships at Work, Inc.
“Using the methods outlined in this book, I have been able to engage and sustain manageable, long-term, mutually beneficial relationships with challenging customers. These effective techniques have wide application in the workplace.”
—DEBBIE JACKSON, CEO, ASI, a software design and computer network integration company
Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information about the subject matters covered. It is sold with the understanding that neither the authors nor publisher are rendering legal, mental health, medical, or other professional services, either directly or indirectly. If expert assistance, legal services, or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought. Neither the authors nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising as a consequence of your use or application of any information or suggestions in this book.
Copyright © 2015 by Bill Eddy and L. Georgi DiStefano
Unhooked Books, LLC
7701 E. Indian School Rd., Ste. F
Scottsdale, AZ 85251
www.unhookedbooks.com
ISBN: 978-1-936268-66-5
eISBN: 978-1-936268-67-2
All Rights Reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, scanned, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, or distributed in any printed or electronic form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of the publisher. Failure to comply with these terms may expose you to legal action and damages for copyright infringement.
Names and identifying information of private individuals have been changed to preserve anonymity.
Library of Congress Control Number: 2014956335
Cover design by Gordan Blazevic
Interior layout by Jeff Fuller, Shelfish.weebly.com
Edited by Catherine Broberg
Printed in the United States of America
Also by Bill Eddy and L. Georgi DiStefano
New Ways for Work:
Personal Skills for Productive Relationships
Coaching Manual
Workbook
Also by Bill Eddy
It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email, and Social Media Meltdowns (2nd ed)
So, What’s Your Proposal? Shifting High-Conflict People from Blaming to Problem-Solving in 30 Seconds
High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
Don’t Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Managing High Conflict People in Court
New Ways for Families in Separation and Divorce:
Professional Guidebook
Parent Workbook
Collaborative Parent Workbook
Decision Skills Class Instructor’s Manual & Workbook
Pre-Mediation Coaching Manual & Workbook
Also by L. Georgi DiStefano
Paradigm Developmental Model of Treatment: A Clinical Guide for Counselors Working with Substance Abusers and the Chemically Dependent (Lead Author)
The Paradigm Developmental Model of Treatment: Group Topics
For Alice and Doris,
for being with each of us on this life journey.
A Note of Caution to the Reader
This book provides tips for dealing with people with high-conflict personalities anywhere. The information is intended to help you be more successful in all of your everyday interactions.
Knowledge is power. However, this information on high-conflict personalities can also be misused, which may inadvertently make your life more difficult. Therefore, we caution you not to publicly label anyone as high-conflict, not to tell people that you think they have high-conflict personalities, nor to use this information as a weapon in personal relationships. Before you go further, we ask that you make a commitment to use the information we present here with caution, compassion, and respect.
The explanations and tips on responding to highconflict behavior are general in nature and may not apply to your specific situation. You are advised to seek the advice of a therapist, human resource professional, employee assistance professional, union representative, attorney, mediator, or other conflict resolution professional in handling any dispute.
The authors and publisher are not responsible for any decisions or actions you take as a result of reading this book.
— Bill Eddy and L. Georgi DiStefano
Contents
Chapter 1: High-Conflict People (HCPs)
Chapter 2: The CARS Method
Chapter 3: Narcissistic HCPs
Chapter 4: Angry (Borderline) HCPs
Chapter 5: Con Artist (Antisocial) HCPs
Chapter 6: Dramatic (Histrionic) HCPs
Chapter 7: Suspicious (Paranoid) HCPs
Chapter 8: Other High-Conflict Issues
Chapter 9: Workplace Bullies
Chapter 10: Negative Advocates
Chapter 11: Organizational Challenges
Chapter 12: Taking Care of Yourself
References
About the Authors
Acknowledgements
Chapter One
HIGH-CONFLICT PEOPLE
“IT ’S ALL YOUR FAULT!” Sound familiar?
High-conflict people are blamers. They blame anyone, anywhere. They blame people they know well; they blame complete strangers. They might even blame you!
High-conflict people are everywhere and they are increasing. Customers may yell at you. Co-workers may undercut you. A supervisor may be so disdainful to an employee that he or she becomes depressed and physically ill—costing the business thousands of dollars in lost work, health care costs, and low company morale. Business owners may act in extreme ways that inadvertently destroy the businesses that they built and that you relied upon for income, benefits, and retirement.
This book presents ways to manage the behavior of several types of high-conflict people in the workplace. It will help you recognize their predictable patterns of behavior and then use a simple four-step method—called the CARS Method—to calm them, analyze your options, respond to their hostility, and set limits on their extreme behavior.
A Pattern of Behavior
Whether you’re a customer, an employee, a manager, a business owner, or another professional who interacts with people in the workplace, “high-conflict” behavior can catch you by surprise and make your life miserable—before, during, and after work. Most people with extreme behaviors have a repeated pattern of high-conflict behavior. It’s part of who they are. They didn’t just make a mistake or act badly out of the blue—they have done this before and will do it again.
We think of them as “high-conflict” people or HCPs (for references to the singular person who is high conflict, we’ll use the abbreviation HCP). They aren’t just difficult. They’re the most difficult people, because their pattern includes the following four key characteristics:
• Preoccupation with blaming others
• All-or-nothing thinking
• Unmanaged emotions
• Extreme behaviors
To make matters worse, they lack insight into their own behavior and how they contribute to their own problems, so they don’t change their own behavior and instead focus intensely on others’ behavior. They sometimes become persuasive blamers, persuading others that the problem at hand really is all someone else’s fault—maybe even all your fault!
Yes, chances are that you will eventually become a target of blame for an HCP. And when someone treats you that way, you end up having to deal with it and them—because they have patterns of behavior that won’t just go away. For example, let’s look briefly at the narcissistic patterns.
Narcissistic HCPs
Today, narcissists are in the news and daily conversation more than ever before. Narcissists are, by definition, self-absorbed and egotistical. However, not all narcissists display the pattern of HCPs; some are simply eager to tell everyone how wonderful they are. But narcissistic HCPs are preoccupied with blaming others. They focus on a target of blame and get an ego boost by making themselves look superior to another. They will pick on their target, manipulate them with charm and anger, or outright blame them or publicly humiliate them—all in an effort to distract others from their own shortcomings or to prove how clever and superior they are (at least in their own minds).
Narcissistic HCPs are just one of five types of HCPs we will talk about in this book. Narcissists are the most common of these personalities, according to a nationwide study we discuss in chapter 3.
Dealing with HCPs
How It Feels to Deal with HCPs
When you’re dealing with an HCP at work—whether the person is narcissistic or another type of HCP—you may feel frustrated, hopeless, enraged, confused, or a lot of other emotions. You may take these feelings home with you and even lose sleep over the high-conflict situation. These are natural fight-or-flight or freeze responses to unrestrained aggressive behavior—a hallmark of HCPs. Yet most of our natural fight-or-flight responses to HCPs often backfire and make things worse. You may have already discovered this.
You Can Successfully Deal with HCPs
We wrote this book to help you deal with high-conflict situations. These often involve one or more HCPs. As frustrating as these individuals are, you will see that they tend to follow predictable patterns of behavior. Once you learn to identify the warning signs of this behavior, you’ll be able to use strategies for dealing with it in effective ways.
These behavior patterns tend to represent five highconflict personalities, which we detail in this chapter. Once you recognize—or even just suspect—that you are dealing with a high-conflict person, you can take a proactive approach to keeping the interaction as peaceful as possible. We have developed a four-step method for dealing with HCPs that helps calm their behavior and focuses them on solving problems. We will describe this “CARS Method” in chapter 2.
This method isn’t complicated, but It’s often the opposite of what you feel like doing. So practice helps. Therefore, in this book, we have included over a dozen examples of how to apply the CARS Method with potentially high-conflict people.
We have used this method successfully for many years in a wide range of workplace and legal disputes. What is so amazing is that this HCP problem is similar around the world and that the CARS Method works with all types of high-conflict people anywhere. What’s more, it works with people who aren’t highconflict, so you don’t have to worry about identifying them. You can use the CARS Method during your interactions with anyone.
Who Are We?
We have been working with high-conflict people in workplace and legal disputes for over twenty years. We met over twenty-five years ago while working together at a psychiatric hospital and then at an outpatient substance abuse and counseling clinic. After that, Bill went into a legal career as a lawyer and mediator. He combined his mental health, mediation, and legal experience to develop the “high-conflict personality theory” (the HCP Theory), which he has been explaining to legal professionals for over fifteen years. He has also provided consultations and trainings to workplace professionals. Georgi went on to have more than twenty years of experience as a therapist and director of several outpatient mental health and substance abuse programs, an Employee Assistance Professional (EAP) for health care systems, and a workplace trainer for conflict resolution.
We have given seminars and provided consultations to numerous private businesses, government agencies, universities, managers, and employees about high-conflict people and using the CARS Method to deal with them. This is the first book we have written focused exclusively on using the CARS Method in workplace settings. We wanted to show how it can be applied to any situation—including yours—by understanding what to do and what not to do!
Who Is a High-conflict Person?
Successfully dealing with HCPs requires first understanding them. Let’s start by picturing someone in your life who seems to have a pattern of the four key characteristics of HCPs that we described above. The person you pictured may be a mild example or an extreme example of these characteristics. Make sure you don’t tell the person that you think he or she is a highconflict person!
There is a wide range of high-conflict people—some are much more difficult than others, although you usually cannot tell right away. Was it clear that the person you pictured was an HCP from the start? Or did he or she succeed at work initially, but then have difficulty in close working relationships and during crises? HCPs are sometimes obvious at first, but in many cases their behavior really catches you by surprise.
They don’t respond easily to usual methods of shared problem solving, give-and-take, and negotiation. They have adversarial thinking—without resolution. So their disputes get bigger and bigger, and involve more and more people, resources, and time for everyone around them. Does this description fit your person?
Their four key characteristics get them into frequent conflicts with those nearby—not just at work, but in their families and in their communities as well. This is a frequent pattern of behavior for them; it is part of their personalities—how they regularly think, feel, and act.
Can you picture your high-conflict person clashing with others in every part of his or her life? This is not unusual but it is a sad situation. Sometimes it helps to realize that your HCP is trapped in self-sabotaging behavior, rather than truly wanting to be this way. HCPs just can’t see what they are doing, because they have a barrier against looking at their part in a problem; this means that they don’t change anything that might make it better. They’re preoccupied with other people’s behavior and blaming them for any conflict.
The High-Conflict Personality Pattern
In other words, when there’s a conflict, the “issue” is often not the issue. Their personality is the real issue and there is an underlying personality pattern that tends to include the following:
1. Rigid and uncompromising. They endlessly repeat the same controlling strategies, even though they did not work or even made things worse the last time.
2. Difficulty accepting or healing loss or defeat. They perceive even the smallest setback as a huge challenge to their self-image.
3. Thinking dominated by negative emotions. Emotions of anger, embarrassment, fear, and jealousy often dominate their thinking.
4. Inability to reflect on their own behavior. They are unable to see how their own behavior contributed to or may have even caused the problem.
5. Difficulty empathizing with others. They are often unable to put themselves in the other person’s place or to view the situation from the other person’s perspective.
6. Preoccupation with “targets of blame.” They focus all of their attention on blaming someone else for what happened, instead of moving forward in constructive problem solving. They avoid taking responsibility for their problems or changing their own behavior. They also avoid responsibility for finding solutions to problems, since they don’t feel they played any role in the problems. Instead, they focus on the behavior of others and are preoccupied with confronting them.
Their “targets of blame” (TOBs) could be anyone—often an unsuspecting person who finds himself or herself in the crosshairs of the HCP and is wrongly blamed. The dispute is not really about the target, or what this person did or didn’t do—although it may look that way at first to others. The dispute is really about the HCP.
HCPs continually seek out targets of blame, because blaming others helps them feel better about themselves—it makes them feel safer and stronger. Yet these positive feelings do not last, and soon they are in distress again and back to blaming others. This pattern of behavior is automatic and often unconscious, meaning they are blind to what they are doing and totally unaware of its negative, self-defeating effects. You should not try to convince them that they have a problem, or they will make your life much, much worse.
7. Constantly recruiting “negative advocates” to help them attack their targets. Surprisingly, HCPs routinely feel weak, vulnerable, and powerless inside, even though they may appear (and be) very aggressive with others. Many of them complain a lot to anyone who will listen. They are constantly in search of allies who will become their negative advocates— people who will fight for them and excuse their high-conflict behavior. Negative advocates can be anyone—friends, family, and even colleagues or other professionals.
Negative advocates are usually uninformed about the HCP’s full behavior but are emotionally hooked into the drama by the HCP’s charm, anger, hurt, fear, and other emotions. Sometimes negative advocates are also HCPs, but more often they are just ordinary people who have been around the HCP’s emotional intensity long enough to get emotionally “hooked"—because emotions are contagious and high-conflict emotions are highly contagious.
Then, negative advocates become charged up and join the HCP in attacking the target of blame. This can be a shock, especially when the negative advocate is someone with credibility in the workplace, even though the HCP sometimes lacks credibility himself or herself.
8. May appear charming, intelligent, attractive, helpful, and not like an HCP. high-conflict people often slip under the radar. They usually don’t look like HCPs—at least not at first. But once they are having a problem or are in a conflict with someone, they may reveal intense emotions and extreme thinking and behavior that can surprise those around them.
Being a high-conflict person has nothing to do with intelligence. There are very bright HCPs, as well as those who are not so smart. The high-conflict personality pattern is about relationships and conflict—not about intelligence—which is why even smart HCPs can act so badly.
Common High-Conflict Behaviors at Work
These dynamics lead HCPs into a wide range of repeated highconflict behavior with their targets of blame (TOB):
Behaving uncooperatively (often passive-aggressively)
Being uncivil
Bullying
Spreading rumors
Purposefully misrepresenting the TOB
Sabotaging work projects to make the TOB look bad
Creating mistrust with employees regarding the TOB
Playing employees against each other to heighten turmoil
Making personal attacks in public
Harassing others: sexually, physically, or otherwise
Filing lawsuits without merit
Making serious threats of violence
Committing actual violence
These behaviors often trigger responses in others (especially their targets of blame) that also look like high-conflict behavior. This is why co-workers, employers, and outsiders often mistake the target as a high-conflict person and miss what the truly high-conflict person has done or continues to do. For this reason, it is very important to use the CARS Method, rather than just reacting and blaming the high-conflict person, so that you don’t look like an HCP.
Continuum of Normal and High-Conflict Personalities
At this point, It’s important to point out that there is a wide continuum of personality-based behavior when it comes to dealing with conflicts. See Figure 1. People with personalities in the normal range have normal, problem-solving responses to difficult situations, more or less. People with high-conflict personalities have a repeated pattern of high-conflict responses, more or less. Some people are less “high-conflict” than others and therefore somewhat less difficult. Some “normal” people may look “high-conflict” occasionally. There isn’t a clear dividing line, so It’s best to think of this behavior as occurring on a continuum of difficulty. It’s also helpful to remember that you can use the CARS Method with anyone at any time, although It’s more important to use it with HCPs because “normal” responses (attempts at gaining insight, offering negative feedback, and becoming angry) often makes the situation worse.
Figure 1: Personality Continuum Overview
© 2015 by Bill Eddy and L. Georgi DiStefano
However, it helps to recognize the basic differences between high-conflict personalities and normal personalities. Figure 2 gives a good overview of this. high-conflict personalities are reactive based more on their personalities rather than situations, and tend toward more extreme responses. But they are still on a continuum of more or less difficult people.
Figure 2: Detailed Personality Continuum
© 2015 by Bill Eddy and L. Georgi DiStefano
Five High-Conflict Personality Styles
The following five personality patterns commonly appear in high-conflict workplace disputes. We’ll include examples of each pattern in this book, helping you see why these individuals continually get into conflicts with those close to them and with people above and below them in any organization. As you read the descriptions, think about whether the person you were picturing above seems to fit into any one (or more) of these patterns.
Narcissistic HCPs
These individuals can be very arrogant and preoccupied with themselves. They try hard to be seen as superior to others and very important. They seek constant admiration and praise, and get angry when they don’t receive it. They can be highly manipulative and very disdainful and demeaning to those around them. When they feel insulted or disrespected (even if they aren’t), they can become enraged, vindictive, and sometimes violent.
They may make false statements and spread rumors about others to regain a sense of control when they feel powerless and inferior. They also engage in “splitting” those around them, viewing some as superior and as others as inferior. It’s not unusual for them to treat those below them in a very disdainful and disrespectful manner, while treating those above them in a very charming and helpful way. ("Kissing up and kicking down.")
They often seek positions of power over others and may initially be very attractive and persuasive as group leaders, but they often crash and burn when a lot is expected of them. Some at the end of the continuum have narcissistic personality disorder ("NPD") and seem to have an underlying fear of being seen as helpless or inferior. However, not all people with NPD are high-conflict people, because they don’t focus on a target of blame.
For more information about each of these personalities and their dynamics, see Bill’s book It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything.
Angry (Borderline) HCPs
People who are angry and high conflict have extreme mood swings—acting surprisingly friendly and loving one minute and angry and blaming the next. They are preoccupied with fears of abandonment. When they feel abandoned (even if they aren’t), they can become enraged, vindictive, and sometimes violent. They can be highly manipulative—mostly to avoid abandonment or to punish someone who they feel abandoned them. Sometimes, they make false statements and spread rumors. They often “split” people, viewing them as either allgood or all-bad, and they treat the two groups very differently. Sometimes a close friend suddenly becomes a hated enemy for no obvious reason. Some at the end of the continuum have borderline personality disorder (BPD) and are preoccupied with an underlying fear of being abandoned by those they most care about. But many angry HCPs don’t have BPD, so we just put that term in parentheses (Borderline) to indicate that the behavior of some HCPs does overlap with that disorder. And many people with BPD are not high-conflict people, because they don’t focus on a target of blame.
Suspicious (Paranoid) HCPs
Being very fearful and suspecting that other people want to manipulate or hurt them are key characteristics of suspicious HCPs. At work, they often imagine that others are conspiring against them to take their job or to push them out of the organization. They are mistrustful and expect that people close to them will betray them sooner or later. They will sometimes attack others first (verbally or physically) to ward off the surprise attacks by others (even though no one was really planning to attack them). Some at the end of the continuum have paranoid personality disorder (PPD) and a fear of being betrayed by those close to them. However, many people with PPD are not high-conflict people, because they don’t focus on a target of blame.
Con Artist (Antisocial) HCPs
People who are con artist HCPs can be the most dangerous and uncaring personality. They often enjoy other people’s suffering and like to dominate and be in control. They don’t care about the rules. They just want what they want and they will do anything to get it. Chronic liars and lacking in remorse, they can be highly manipulative and often persuade others that they are the victims, not the perpetrators of bad behavior. They view people as powerful or as suckers, who deserve what they get. Taking violent revenge or otherwise causing people suffering is often seen as justified in their eyes. Some at the end of the continuum have antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). A good example would be the fictional character Frank Underwood in the TV series House of Cards. Their primary fear, if they have one, is of being dominated by others. However, some people with ASPD are not high-conflict people, because they don’t focus on a target of blame.
Dramatic (Histrionic) HCPs
The people who fit this personality style are generally overdramatic and very intense. They are constantly talking about being a victim of this or that, and can go on and on about dramatic details that may or may not be true. They are attention seekers and once they have your attention, they don’t like to let go. They look to others to solve their problems. They are prone to lots of exaggeration—of facts and of emotion. Whether they are customers or employees, they can take up a lot of time, because of their frequent overreactions to ordinary problems. Some at the end of the continuum have histrionic personality disorder (HPD) and are preoccupied with a fear of being ignored. However, many people with HPD are not high-conflict people, because they don’t focus on a target of blame.
Our RAD Approach
Now that you know something about each of the five highconflict personalities, you may be tempted to point this out to the HCPs in your life, to try to change them for the better or get them off your back. Fuhgeddaboutdit! You are much more likely to trigger their anger toward you and resistance to change. Don’t even mention that you see them this way.
Instead, try to manage the relationship by focusing on how you respond to them. You can do this by considering our “RAD Approach.” Just recognize potential patterns and adapt your approach accordingly. Don’t try to change them. Change what you do:
Recognize a possible high-conflict personality pattern.
Adapt your approach accordingly.
Deliver your responses using the CARS Method.
Why is the RAD approach so important? Because HCPs tend to have a cycle of high-conflict thinking, and if you don’t follow the RAD approach, you are likely to reinforce their highconflict thinking, rather than focusing them on problem solving.
The Cycle of High-Conflict Thinking
Understanding the cycle of high-conflict thinking will help you avoid the mistake of giving negative feedback to a highconflict person (even though it may be what you strongly feel like doing). The cycle also clarifies why it is so important to use the CARS Method when responding to their potentially outrageous behavior.
Figure 3: The Cycle of High-Conflict Thinking
1. Mistaken Assessment of Danger
High-conflict people experience a lot of internal distress, but it feels like external danger to them. For example, each of the five personalities outlined above has a preoccupation with a certain fear:
• Being treated as inferior (Narcissist)
• Being abandoned (Borderline)
• Being betrayed (Paranoid)
• Being dominated (Antisocial)
• Being ignored (Histrionic)
In addition, all of these personalities frequently distort events in their own minds (mostly unconsciously) in the following manner:
• All-or-nothing thinking
• Jumping to conclusions
• Emotional reasoning
• Personalization
• Exaggerated fears
• Mind reading
• Tunnel vision
• Wishful thinking
These chronic fears and distortions lead them to misread situations as dangerous when they may be completely safe or present only a very minor concern. This is their mistaken assessment of danger (MAD) that drives their behavior.
2. Behavior That’s Aggressively Defensive
This mistaken sense of danger prompts HCPs to act aggressively toward those around them, with verbal, physical, legal, financial, and other attacks against their perceived source of danger. If their lives were truly in danger, their behavior would make sense. It is behavior that’s very aggressively defensive (BAD).
Common problems associated with this behavior include splitting and projection:
Splitting: HCPs split people into “all-good” (self and allies) and “all-bad” (enemies and non-allies) in their minds. They also unconsciously “split off ” their own intolerable character traits (weakness, vulnerable emotions, manipulating, lying, etc.) and therefore see themselves as purely all-good in a conflict situation. It’s a psychological defense mechanism.
Projecting: Their next move is to “project” these same intolerable character traits onto another person, who they then attack in an effort to eliminate the traits entirely. HCPs generally target intimate others or authority figures as the “allbad” people in this psychological dynamic.
Unfortunately, those who do not understand this psychological dynamic often get caught up in trying to determine how bad the target of blame was—when it really has nothing to do with the target of blame, but rather the HCP who is splitting and projecting. Lawsuits against individuals and employers can easily grow out of this dynamic.
Negative Feedback
Last, but not least, negative feedback escalates HCPs and feeds the cycle, because they interpret all feedback as a threat. This is particularly true when the feedback has any of the following characteristics:
• Is personal
• Has a negative tone
• Is focused on the past
• Is delivered with aggressive body language
However, research now shows that even ordinary people may take feedback about past behavior negatively. Hearing feedback shuts down flexible brain processes, triggers fight-orflight stress responses, and builds resistance to change rather than motivation to change. With this in mind, we decided to focus on methods that “feed forward,” rather than feed “back.”
Feed Forward
Focusing on future behavior, rather than past behavior, helps manage most situations and enables high-conflict people to make changes. The CARS Method is built on this principle. While you may need to address past behavior for disciplinary purposes, if you are truly seeking behavior improvement and a reduction in defensiveness, you should always emphasize the future. Here are some initial thoughts to consider when developing a feed-forward system:
• Focus on the future: “What can you do now, going forward?”
• Focusing on the past just triggers defensiveness and more resistance (no motivation) to change behavior.
• What’s your goal? Aim for that.