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It’s been nearly ten years since a controversial appearance on Oprah where JL King (author of the explosive New York Times best-seller, On The Down Low: A Journey Into the Lives of ‘Straight’ Black Men Who Sleep With Men), broke his silence about being on the Down Low, during what became one of Oprah’s most powerful episodes.

Today, King and his ex-wife, Brenda Stone Browder (author of the Essence best-seller, On the Up & Up: A Survival Guide for Women Living With Men on the Down Low, and the one who exposed King for sleeping with other men during their marriage), have moved past the pain of their very public divorce, and now devote much of their time and resources aiding couples who seek relationship advice.

Having received countless emails, texts, letters, and other queries, King and Browder answer men and women’s most pressing relationship questions and concerns, here in their most personal book yet.

Dear JL,

I’m not on the DL, but I’ve been unfaithful to my wife. How did your journey of coming forward with the truth begin?

How can I leave him when I’m trapped?

How do I tell my kids that their daddy is on the DL?

Dear Brenda,

How could you forgive him after what he did to you?

How can you become friends with your Ex?

How is it that you didn’t know your man was cheating? Or worse—on the DL?

How did you explain your separation to your kids?

How did you trust men after what he did to you?

The Ex-Factor is the only book where JL King and Brenda Stone Browder address these and other questions through their journey of finding the freedom to heal, forgive, and love again.

We would like to thank our children, Ebony, Brandon, and Loren III, for loving us unconditionally, and allowing us to share our family publicly as an example of that unconditional love.

We want to thank all the men who have done the right thing by being honest about who they are and not continuing to hide on the DL. Men must continue to be the head of the house and community, but can't, if they are a part of destroying our sisters.

Thank you, Shirley Neal, for your diligence and dedication to this book and its message.

People always ask me how I feel about my wife becoming friends with her ex-husband, JL King, who was unfaithful to her by having sex with other men during their marriage. I don’t like it, but I’ve never said that publicly—at least not until now.

In addition to writing this book, Brenda and JL are organizing a speaking tour; developing a reality TV show; and appearing on another Oprah show called, “Where Are They Now?” They’re scheduling radio and TV appearances to promote the book and the tour, and spending a lot of time together. I really don’t like it.

I don’t say what I really feel about JL’s relationship with my wife when people ask me because it’s personal. I also don’t want those who want to establish a friendship with their Ex, to use my feelings as a deterrent.

In spite of how I feel, I always tell people how well JL and I get along. I raised his two kids—the son and daughter that he had with Brenda. And he publicly gives me credit for that. We’re cordial at family gatherings, and he even brings me gifts—things he appreciates that he also knows I appreciate—like cowboy boots.

Here lately, we’ve started to spend family holidays together. We’re truly a blended family: Brenda and JL’s kids, Brenda’s and my son, their girlfriends and boyfriends, JL, me and Brenda. The only one missing at these gatherings is a “partner” for JL.

I will tell anyone that it’s possible to blend estranged families and accept your partner’s Ex into your new family circle. I did it. But what I can’t do and will not allow JL (who is now openly gay) to do, is to disrespect my house by bringing his gay “boo” into our home. He’s welcomed if he comes alone.

Maybe my attitude is wrong, but it’s how I feel. And the one piece of advice I’ll give to all couples is to be honest about how you feel.

JL and I take baby steps with our relationship. He hurt my wife, and I can’t overlook that. And since he’s a self-proclaimed hustler, who rushed to publish his tell-all book before Brenda could get her story out, I never know when and if he’ll betray her again.

Now that they are planning to go on tour again, I feel a need to tag along on some of the engagements just to be sure that Brenda is not being taken advantage of, in my absence.

On a more positive note, I can say that Brenda and JL seem to be in a good place right now. Writing this book and planning the tours and reality show—there’s a lot of respect between them, and a genuine spirit of caring. Perhaps because they’ve both evolved since their nasty and public divorce. Brenda is tougher. JL is more sensitive. And together, they really practice what they preach in terms of healing and moving on.

What I love most about this book is that it offers advice for estranged couples to move past the pain of a broken relationship, which I fully endorse. And I’m very proud of Brenda and JL for recounting their own experiences, however painful, in order to help others.

Their attempt to be friends is very real, and I respect that. My one caution though for anyone who reads this book is to see it as advice and not as the gospel. What works for one doesn’t work for all, and this book isn’t intended to be a definitive book on healing, but one that offers hope, advice and tried and true experience on how to the find the freedom to heal, forgive, and love again.

I hope everyone who reads The Ex-Factor, will draw from it something that will give them peace, joy, and hope.

What was a lie about the marriage was my desire
to have sex with other men. That was just something
I couldn’t reveal to her because I was scared.”

The day I got the call from Harpo Studios is as clear as if the call came in today. I was living in Chicago and it was an early Saturday morning. I was making breakfast when my cell rang.

My book On The Down Low: A Journey Into the Lives of ‘Straight’ Black Men Who Sleep With Men, was about to drop in a few months, and every writer who was looking for instant success wanted Oprah to endorse their book for her Book of the Month club. I was one of them.

“Hi, Mr. King. My name is Terry. I’m a producer with the Oprah show. Oprah just called you and you hung up on her.”

I couldn’t believe it. I really had just hung up on the “Queen” of talk shows.

So, why would she personally be calling me? I would’ve thought she had peeps who do that for her. Terry explained that Oprah and her best friend, Gayle King, had read my book and loved it! She said that the producers were working on a show about HIV and black women in America, and that my name was on the table to be a guest.

This was huge for me. Oprah actually loved my book and called me personally to invite me on her show! It was all so surreal. I had to keep asking myself if I was dreaming.

Once I got the follow-up calls over the next few days, I knew that this was all real.

What I didn’t realize then, was that from the moment I got the call, to the day I sat with Oprah on her show back in 2004—my life would be changed forever. And to have been thrown into the public eye, at such a large international level, without any preparation, was and still is, a bittersweet experience. I have been on a journey that very few people will ever travel.

Admittedly, I was pissed the first time Jimmy (who now goes by “JL”) went on the Oprah show. He was being glorified for our “charade of a marriage.” All the while, my life was hell.

Why wasn’t I asked to be on Oprah? I wanted Oprah to ask me how I felt? I wanted her to have the conversation with me—Jimmy’s ex-wife, rather than have Jimmy speak for me, or about me without my presence or perspective.

Wasn’t this supposed to be a TV show that empowers people, particularly women, to have their say?

All of these questions were mulling through my head. I was so upset. I wanted to scream loud enough into the television so someone would hear my voice—my stifled voice.

I later learned that it wasn’t Oprah who denied me the opportunity. It was Jimmy who told the producers that I wasn’t ready to be on the show. It had been years since our very ugly and public separation, but Jimmy was still trying to run my life.

The Harpo producers asked me if I wanted to invite Brenda to be on the show. I thought about it, then I said, “No,” for several reasons: I didn’t want our children, Ebony and Brandon to see both of their parents on television talking about the ugliness of our relationship. Plus, Brenda and I still had a lot of talking to do, and frankly, I was afraid of what she might say. So, instead of Brenda coming to Chicago to be on the show, I asked the producers if I could invite Brenda’s and my daughter, Ebony, to join me for support. They agreed.

Ebony was flown to Chicago for the taping. At dinner that night we would have our first father/daughter conversation about me being on the DL; and my life with and without her mother.

Even though I knew it was time to have that conversation, I was as nervous as I had ever been. It wasn’t until she started asking me questions about my book that I learned that she’d read it for the first time the night before. For a long time I didn’t want her to read it. I’d been trying to hide it from her. I said to her what I say to other young girls, “I don’t want you to marry a man like me.” I believed that if she married a man like her father, she’d be putting herself at risk.

Over dinner was also the first time she shared that she’d heard some things about me when she was growing up. Nothing bad or negative that came from Brenda; just random gossip she’d heard.

When you live in a small town like Springfield, Ohio, people talk and everybody is in your business. She just confirmed what I had suspected.

By the time our dessert arrived, my daughter gave me the assurance that she was there to support me. She loved me. She was proud of me. And she was happy that I chose her to share this experience. Like Oprah, Ebony felt that what I was doing was a great service to women. I assured her that’s exactly why I was doing it. I prayed that Brenda would feel the same way.

The show aired on the east coast first. I actually watched with a semi-conscious mind at my brother’s house with my family.

I sat there staring at the screen but tuned everything out: the show, my family’s comments, and my own thoughts.

Since my family did not understand my need for a tearful emotional cleansing, I decided to leave and view it later on the west coast feed, in my own home—alone.

“Alone” was as much a feeling as it was a reality. At that time, I believed that no one else in the world could have possibly lived through this same lie.

As I watched the show, I reflected on the conversation Jimmy had a couple of years prior with Ebony and me. It was 2002. Jimmy’s face was serious, as he sat in his immaculate home going the extra mile to make Ebony and I comfortable.