reading

Winner of the University of Notre Dame’s 1996

Richard Sullivan Prize in Short Fiction

Editors

William O’Rourke and Valerie Sayers

ISBN: 9781483533469

Cloth and Paper Editions Published by

The University of Notre Dame Press

Notre Dame, Indiana 46556

Stories in Acid have been published by the following journals: "Acid," in TriQuarterly; "The Artist," in The Atlantic Monthly and in The Best American Short Stories 1995; "Ax," in The North Dakota Quarterly; "Drivers," in Crop Dust and in Fish Stories; "Gifts," in The Missouri Review and in Plato at Scratch Daniel's and Other Stories; "Petrified Wood," in The Southern Review; "Radon" in The Virginia Quarterly Review; "The Requirements of Flight," in The Southwest Review; "Smugglers," in Ploughshares; "Tell Me What It Is," in Libido; "Tests," in Quarterly West; and "Vinnie's Boy, Larry," in The New Virginia Review.

For Joseph and Edith Falco

CONTENTS

Acid

Smugglers

The Artist

Radon

Petrified Wood

Vinnie’s Boy, Larry

Tests

Tell Me What It Is

Drivers

The Requirements of Flight

Gifts

ACID

The Living Word was Jerome's bookstore. It was a cubbyhole, a small room jammed with Bibles, inspirational books, and cards for religious occasions; and it was located in a Long Island shopping plaza, between a record store and a bridal boutique that had gone out of business months earlier and was about to reopen as one of a chain of restaurant-bars that catered to college students. On the street outside The Living Word, Jerome stared through the restaurant windows as a crew of workers prepared for opening night. From the ceiling, King Kong hung vertically suspended, one huge hairy arm swiping at a biplane dangling from a rafter just out of reach. His other arm was wrapped around a red supporting column, as if he were leaning out from it, holding on to keep from falling. A scantily clad Fay Wray trapped in Kong's grip pressed the back of her hand to her forehead, on the verge of fainting.

From behind him, Jerome heard the sound of knocking on glass, and he turned around to find Alice waving for him to come into the record shop. Alice was the sales clerk and manager. At twenty-two she was only a couple of years older than his youngest daughter, but that didn't keep her from flirting. With the tip of her finger, seductively, she pushed her black, buttonless, boat top blouse down off one shoulder. Jerome put his hands on his hips and frowned at her. In response, she pouted elaborately, making her bottom lip quiver as if she were about to cry. Jerome laughed and went into the record shop.

"When are you going to stop playacting Jezebel?" he said, as soon as he pushed open the door.

"Don't start." Alice pulled her blouse back over her shoulder, and glanced up at a large concave mirror suspended above her head like a satellite dish. There were no customers in the store. "I have a favor to ask."

"What?"

"Take me out tonight."

Jerome laughed again.

"I'm serious. Just for a couple of hours. Your wife'll never find out."

Alice sat behind the counter on a barstool, her hands in her lap, her black jeans and black blouse contrasting sharply with fair skin and platinum blond hair cut short as a man's. Jerome stared at her, waiting for something in her expression to give her away, but she returned his stare unflinchingly, and in the end he couldn't tell if she was kidding with him as usual or if she was serious. He said, as if trying to understand: "You want me to take you out tonight."

She nodded, expressing exaggerated amazement at his lack of comprehension.

"Where?"

"Next door. The new place. I want to drop acid."

Jerome laughed again, this time throwing his head back and folding his hands over his belly.

"Cut it out." Alice pursed her lips. Her slightly pointed nose in combination with short hair pushed back off her forehead gave her a birdlike look, her hair like a bird's cap.

"What?" Jerome said. "You're not serious?"

"You did it!" Alice's voice traveled up an octave. "You did drugs! You were wild!"

"That's was twenty-five years ago, " Jerome said. "I told you like a warning, not like you should try it."

"Well, that's not the way I heard it. I'm serious. I want you to take me out tonight."

Jerome went behind the counter. He stood in front of Alice and took her hands in his. Their image was reflected in the concave mirror. Jerome was a tall, heavy man, bear-like in build, wearing a plain white shirt and blue jeans held up by bright red suspenders. His long graying hair was pulled back neatly in a ponytail, and he had a gold crucifix earring in his pierced right ear. Alice was slender, dressed all in black, hunched forward on her counter stool. "Alice," Jerome said. "You don't want to drop acid. Believe me. Drugs will only make your life more of a mess."

"Bullshit," Alice said. "My life can't be any more of a mess."

Jerome knew what Alice was talking about. She was in love with a performance artist from Brooklyn who called himself St. John of the Five Boroughs. They had been going out for over a year when he abruptly dumped her. He said she was too bourgeois, too middle-class. This happened a few months ago, shortly after Alice mentioned the possibility of marriage. Jerome felt a twinge of guilt over this, since Alice had met St. John in the Living Word, where she had been visiting when he came in to buy a Bible and a crucifix for use in one of his performances. When he left he had Alice's phone number. "Look," Jerome said. "You're still pining over--"

"Pining?" Alice pulled her hands away. "Jesus."

"Forgive me," Jerome said. "I am fifty-two years old."

Alice said plaintively, "My father would be fifty-five if he weren't dead."

Jerome covered his eyes with one hand, and his chin dropped to his chest. "Alice," he said. "You're letting yourself get carried away."

"Am not." She jerked his hand away from his eyes. "All I want to do is drop some acid. I want to shake up my life."

"What do you need me for?"

"I trust you. You've got experience."

"Go with your mother." Jerome walked back around the counter. He glanced at the rows of CDs that filled the shop, at the brightly colored, rectangular packages. A mostly nude Prince reclined beside a rap CD that pictured four men totally naked except for the sawed-off shotguns and military attack rifles that covered their privates.

"My mom's in St. Thomas with her latest."

Jerome stepped between the two waist-high, black columns that would set off an alarm if he tried to leave without paying for a CD. "Alice," he said. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself. And don't be stupid and take a chance on screwing up your life." He pulled the door open halfway and a soft, electronic chime sounded.

Alice leaned forward to the counter and propped her chin up in her hands. "I'll be there tonight around midnight," she said. "I'll feel better if you're there. I mean, I'll understand if you can't. But I'm dropping acid tonight no matter. I already decided."

"Mistake," Jerome said. "Big mistake." He left the shop.

The rest of the day, Jerome straightened out and dusted off stock in the Living Word. He moved a new edition of C.S. Lewis's Narnia chronicles into the display window, next to a T-shirt that had a black handprint with a red circle in the center of the palm. At five o'clock, from behind his counter, he watched Alice pull down the metal gate over her storefront and insert and turn the keys that activated the alarm system. When she turned around and saw him looking at her, she mouthed the word midnight, winked, and crossed the parking lot to her car. As she walked away from him, Jerome's eyes fell to her legs. He noticed every crease in her jeans and the movement of her body within her clothes. His breathing slowed a little. He didn't turn away until Alice unlocked her car door and stepped out of sight. In front of him on the counter, a collection of art on religious themes was opened to a portrait of his namesake: da Vinci's "The Penitent Jerome." He stared for a moment at the saint's wasted body before snapping the thick book closed with a loud clap.

Jerome was annoyed at himself. Noticing Alice, noticing her physically, produced a kind of heat inside him, a kind of heat that could only be released by touch. He had been married now for a little over twenty years. He had two daughters in college. He thought he had grown past the real desire for other women. He would always notice other women, he knew that. He would always be aware of their bodies, of the way they moved--but there was a line between noticing and wanting, and it was a line he didn't want to cross. When he was a young man, he had slept with every woman he could get into his bed. He had been a jazz musician, he played sax, and he lived for only two thing: women and music. When he wasn't doing one or the other, he was doing drugs: mostly marijuana and hashish, but coke too, and some horse. He could still see himself walking along Houston Street toward the Village. He walked with a swagger, his sax in its case. He had a place way over on Broome Street and he'd cut across on Essex and walk down Houston into the Village, like there was a spotlight on him all the way. When he got to whatever club he was working, when he played his sax, he fell into a deep place. He'd play with the group, whatever they were doing, a lot of Dizzy, "A Night in Tunisia," "Groovin' High," a lot of Miles, and he'd be with them, one star in a cluster, one piece of light, and then something would happen, he'd break out flare up and the guys would back off and let him play. That's what jazz was like when it was good. That was why he did it. He'd be playing and then something just happened, he flew away, he'd be unconscious, flying, he'd get high soaring up to a place and then he'd level off and coast back in like gliding back down into his place in the cluster of lights, and the audience would applaud and the guys would throw him a nod a little gesture that said yes, he had been out there.

That was the good part. But the good part was tied up with the bad part in a way he could never understand. Anger was the bad part. Something that was anger and more than anger. At first it was only there in the morning. He'd wake up with it. He'd get out of bed, his senses raw, like his nerves were all exposed, something heavy wrapped around him like a smoldering robe. He wasn't sure where it came from, he wasn't sure it mattered. There were his father and mother who hardly seemed to notice him. He was the youngest of six children, they didn't have time. There was his career as a musician, the next step just not coming, the recording contracts, the money and fame. That didn't matter, it was playing that mattered, still it weighed on him, seeing others move up while he stayed behind. But it was more than that. It was something inside him furious, something enraged. He couldn't rest, the anger pressed against his skin. It seeped into every part of his life. Then in 1972 he beat up a woman he had picked up after playing a club. He beat her up after having sex with her.

They had been lying together on his single bed. It was a summer night, the window next to the bed was open. There was a straight back chair beside the window, and it was covered with clothes: several shirts were draped over the back, and pants were hung over the shirts. The seat was piled high with dirty clothes. From his bed, where he lay on his side, knees pulled up to his chest, he stared at the chair and at the buildings beyond the window. There was no breeze. The air was heavy. The sheets under him were wet from the sweat of sex, thick knots of his shoulder-length hair stuck to his face and neck. It was near dawn: he hadn't quit playing till after 2 AM. The moon must have been bright, because he could see the building out the window clearly. He was thin in those days, thin and wiry. The woman who lay behind him was tracing the outline of his ribs with her fingertip. She followed the hard bone from the side to the center of his chest and back and then down to the next one. She lay behind him, so she couldn't see that his teeth were pressed together, that the corded muscles down his neck and to his shoulders were tight and hard. He had been doing blackbirds, thick amphetamine capsules, he couldn't remember how many. He was crashing, he told himself he was crashing, to hold on. Who was he? Who was the woman behind him touching him? Why did he want to slap her hand away, a minute ago he had been driving himself into her? Her touch was gentle and his whole being seemed to shrink from it. He told himself he was crashing, he told himself to hold on: who was he, he was thirty-two years old, he was floating away he was sinking under, he was a musician, he was in bed with a woman he had met a few hours earlier, she was tracing the outline of his ribs with her fingertip. He was crashing. If he could hold on. He wanted to cry and he had no idea why he wanted to cry. He told himself it was the speed, but he felt lost, even though he knew exactly where he was: in the same apartment he had lived in then for five years, on Broome Street in Manhattan, in walking distance of the clubs where he played. He felt trapped, locked up, even though he knew he was free to do whatever he wanted, he had the money he needed, he had the access to drugs, there were women to spend the night. His body began to shudder, as if he were chilled. When she completed the outline of his ribs, her hand went down lower, to touch him. She bit him gently, taking the flesh in the small of his back between her teeth. He turned around. Her eyes were glistening, playful. He hit her the first time when she leaned forward to kiss him. He said, "Don't touch me." She was more surprised then hurt. He hadn't hit her hard. He had slapped her. She said, "You..." and faltered. She hit him back, a half-slap half-push at his chest, and something huge inside him flared white and hot and he flailed at her, beating her, kneeling over her and striking until her body stopped resisting and the flesh went soft under his fists.

He spent a week in jail. There was no trial. His lawyer bargained with the city's lawyer and he got off with a suspended sentence. During his week in jail, he spent most of his time on his back, lying on his cot, looking out a barred window at the sky. The night of the beating he had crawled away from the bed on all fours. The nightmare image of himself crawling naked away from the bed was locked into Jerome's memory. It had never gone away, in all the twenty years since: the image of her startled eyes when he first slapped her, the feel of her body breaking under his fists, the animal explosion of grunts and screams from her and from him. Sometime long after she had stopped screaming, he crawled to the window. He had blood on his hands and face. He pulled himself up and looked out: the world was pulsing like the skin of a creature whose heart was beating hard. Color vibrated. The stars were white flames that flared like drum beats. In jail it was different: colors settled, stars cooled.

After they let him out, he began taking long walks at night, and on one of his walks, he wound up all the way downtown, by the river. It must have been about five AM. He was cold, and he was coming up on Trinity Church. A thin, haggard man with long, windblown hair. The building was open. He entered through the central portal, and when he pushed open the inner doors and stepped into the interior, he was looking along the aisle toward the altar, where Christ looked down at him from the cross. He hadn't been in a church since he was a boy. He had been raised Roman Catholic. He had been baptized and had received communion, and that had been the end of it. Twenty, maybe twenty-two years since he'd been inside a church. He genuflected, crossed himself, and walked to the altar, where he knelt and lay his head on the chancel rail. He didn't know what he wanted. He was sobbing, and when he looked up again at the cross, he felt something warm and calming spread though him. He thought it might be the memory of himself as a boy in church with his family, kneeling in a pew between his brothers and sisters, watching the priest say mass, hold the gold chalice up to the light from a stained glass window, as if offering it to the light, offering the chalice up to the light as if the light were alive and might take the chalice from his hand. He had felt warm then and safe and that feeling returned to him there at the chancel rail in Trinity Church. But it felt like something more than memory, like his anger was being transformed: bile turned to honey. After that, everything changed. He started going to confession every week and receiving communion every morning. He quit playing the clubs. He quit taking drugs. He met Sylvia and got married. They opened a Christian bookstore on Sixth Avenue. When they had a child, they moved the bookstore to Long Island.

Jerome put the art book in the display window, next to the C. S. Lewis, and then closed up the shop and went home. He found Sylvia in the kitchen pounding a slice of beef with a wooden mallet. She was surrounded by food: a caldron of tomato sauce bubbled on the stove; in the half-opened oven, two apple pies cooled; on the counter beside her, bottles of spices were scattered among piles of raisins and pignoli. The tangy apple-pie smell overwhelmed the small kitchen. "What's this?" Jerome said. He put his hand on the counter and it slid over a slippery film of baking flour.

"This?" Sylvia pointed at the beef. "It's braciole."

"No. I mean all of this." Jerome clapped his hands and a little cloud of flour dust floated slowly to the floor.

Sylvia shrugged and made a gesture with her hands as if to say she didn't know why he would ask. "I'm cooking," she said. She rinsed her hands in the sink and dried them on a green dish towel that pictured a line of geese flying in formation. She hung the towel over the faucet, held Jerome by the shoulders, and kissed him on the lips. "Just because the kids are gone doesn't mean I can't cook anymore. I like cooking."

Jerome stepped around her and looked into the pot of sauce. "There's enough here for a month." He went to the kitchen window and looked out into the yard. In the reflection from the window, he could see Sylvia standing with her hands on her hips, looking at his back. Her expression wavered between anger and concern. In the twenty years they had been married, she had grown stout--not fat, but stout, almost matronly. She had turned fifty a week earlier, and last month, Beth, their youngest, had left for college: that, Jerome told himself, was why she was making a meal big enough for an army.

"Did you go to mass this morning?" she asked. "Did you receive communion?"

Jerome closed his eyes and leaned forward until his forehead touched the window. The glass was cool and wet.

"Did you?"

Sylvia claimed she could tell a difference in Jerome's behavior on the rare days when he missed mass and communion--probably not more than a dozen in the past twenty years. She said he got edgy and tense and hard to live with. He walked out of the kitchen without answering, and sat in the recliner in front of the living room's bay window. The house around him was orderly and neat, as always, and as always he found that calming. The polished hardwood floors gave off a kind of warmth, and Jerome leaned back and settled into the comfortable familiarity of his surroundings.

From the kitchen, Sylvia called: "Do you want a glass of wine?"

He didn't answer. She was right about church: he began his day with mass and communion the way other people started theirs with coffee and the newspaper. If he missed mass, he was off balance the rest of the day. When he received communion, when he knelt at the chancel rail and extended his tongue and tilted his head to the priest, and the priest placed the wafer of the host on his tongue--when he received the body and blood of Christ into his own body, he felt transformed. He felt himself change as the wafer dissolved on his tongue: a warming light seeped into the dark places in his body. But he hadn't missed morning mass. He had gone at 6 AM, as always. He sat in his regular seat in the back of the church, under the stained glass window portraying Christ's heart surrounded by a fiery light, and he had received communion.

The bay window in front of the recliner was lined with shelves crowded with knickknacks. Jerome picked up a soapstone sculpture of a dolphin and held it in his open hand. He liked the soft, dough-like feel of the stone in his palm, the warmth it had absorbed from sitting under the window radiating into his hand. He touched the dolphin to his forehead and held it there a moment, his eyes closed. Then he put it back on the shelf and went into the kitchen. Sylvia was pouring sauce into jars. She had bright blue potholder mitts over both hands. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm acting sullen."

"What's wrong?" Sylvia put the pot back on the stove.

He hugged Sylvia and kissed her on the cheek. "I think it's Beth... the kids being gone."

Sylvia nodded. Her eyes got teary.

"I think I'll go for one of my walks after dinner."

"It's getting cold out," she said. She returned to pouring sauce into jars.

Jerome leaned back against the sink. "Then maybe I'll go for a drive," he said, casually. "Later on."

After dinner, he watched television with Sylvia. When the eleven o'clock news ended, and Sylvia started upstairs for bed, he told her he wasn't sleepy, and that he thought he'd go out for that drive he had mentioned earlier. At first Sylvia continue up the stairs slowly, without replying. Then she joined him where he was sitting on the couch. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather talk?" She put her hand on his knee.

"It's not talk," he said. "You know how I get. A long walk or a drive soothes me."

"Okay. If you're sure." She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. "But try not to wake me when you come back in. You know what happens if I wake up once I've gone to bed for the night."

"I'll be quiet." He watched Sylvia walk up the stairs, and he listened while she prepared for bed. From where he sat on the couch, he could hear the floor creaking over his head, and each sound told him where she was in the bedroom and what she was doing. The silence meant she was standing in front of the dresser mirror in her nightgown, brushing her hair. The floor creaking again meant she was walking to the bed and pulling back the quilt. He waited until she was in bed a few minutes before getting up from the couch and getting dressed to go out. When he left, he pulled the door closed with a loud click, and he rapidly turned the key in the lock so that the dead bolt would snap closed loudly. By the time he started the car, it was midnight.

Jerome hadn't been inside the bar for more than a few seconds when he heard his name being called from someplace over his head. The place was jammed with kids who didn't look like they could possibly be twenty-one, though that was the drinking age in New York. Alongside him, two girls were holding each other at arms' length and squealing with delight as they looked each over and prepared to embrace. When he looked up, Jerome saw Alice leaning over a railing and waving to him. He smiled up at her just as a young ox shouldering his way through the crowd knocked him into a fortune teller in a glass case. Jerome would have grabbed the kid if the crush of bodies hadn't closed around him instantly. He leaned against the glass case as the fortune teller, apparently jolted into action by the collision, began mechanically dealing out a hand of tarot cards, accompanied by an eerie, high-pitched, violin music. He turned away from the black-clad, wizened features of the gypsy-dummy, and stood on his toes, trying to locate the stairway that led up to the second level. Before he could find it, Alice popped out of the crowd behind him and took his arm.

"I already dropped, I don't feel anything yet, I'm glad you came." She jumped up and kissed him on his forehead. "I thought you'd come," she said.

"Is there someplace to sit?"

Alice pulled Jerome through the crowd, toward the back of the bar. The decor of the place was overwhelming, an hysteria of clashing artifacts: a 1940's street sign next to a glass-encased statue of Elton John; Marilyn Monroe standing on a subway grating, her dress blowing up as she tries to hold it down; a portrait of Charles Barkley wearing a T-shirt that advertised Nike sneakers and read: "The meek shall inherit the earth... but they don't get the ball." The place was packed with stuff that ranged from an antique Amoco gas pump to a full-size, red and white '57 Chevy with an Elvis mannequin in the driver's seat, to an old-fashioned round clock on a lamp pole, the kind you might have found in a railroad terminal or even on some town's main street, before they were universally replaced with digital time-temperature displays. And overlooking it all was the massive King Kong, Fay Wray in hand.

As they made their way toward the back of the bar, the crowd thinned and the noise level decreased significantly. Jerome realized there was music coming through a PA system: Ella Fitzgerald was scatting her way toward the end of "Black Magic." By the time they found a place to sit, the Fitzgerald number was over and the Talking Heads were on. Jerome slid into a booth that was enclosed on three sides, like a small private room with a wall missing. Alice sat across from him. Over her head, light from an adjoining booth filtered through a round, multicolored, stained-glass window. A waiter appeared almost instantly. Alice ordered an Irish coffee and Jerome ordered bourbon.

"So how come you came?" Alice asked, smiling. Then, before he could answer, she leaned over the table and her smile turned into a grin. "But I knew you'd come. I could tell."

"I came to talk you out of the acid."

"Uh uh," Alice said. "That's not it. Don't bum me out. I want this to be a good trip." She reached across the table and put her hand over his. "It's weird," she continued. "You look different in this place. We've known each other a couple of years now, right--but I've never seen you except in my shop or yours. You definitely look different."

"Who wouldn't look different here?" Jerome gestured toward a group of skeletons playing soccer.

"These are big tripping bars," Alice said. "That's what gave me the idea. I used to go to one of these in the city with John and everybody was always tripping."

"Not hard to understand."

"Well? Do you know why you came?"

The waiter showed up with their drinks before Jerome could answer. Alice put a twenty on his tray. "We're not staying long," she said. The waiter told her he'd be right back with the change.

"Alice..."

"What?"

"I don't know what you're thinking. I'm..."

Alice's Irish coffee came topped with a pyramid of whipped cream. She lowered her head and licked half of it away with one swipe of her tongue. "You wouldn't be here if you weren't interested. That's something John taught me. To cut through the pretense."

The waiter returned with the change. When he left, Jerome said to Alice: "I'm worried about you doing acid."

"I don't think so. I mean, maybe that's why you think you're here..." Alice appeared to weaken slightly, as if some of her confidence were slipping away. Then she crossed her arms on the table and leaned close to him. "Come on, Jerome. You've been staring at me for two years. I'm already tripping, so don't play mind games with me. I know you're interested. I can tell by your look. It doesn't matter what you say, you can act like my uncle all you want. Your eyes don't lie."

"But it does matter what I say."

"Bullshit. You can't hide your heart. You can't hide what's in your heart."

Jerome picked up his bourbon. "It's not my heart... I'm not trying to hide my heart."

"You're screwing around with me. You're playing with my mind." Her eyes got teary. "Now I'm getting scared. I'm getting bummed out."

Jerome reached across the table to touch her.

"Shit." She covered her face with her hands. "John does acid all the time. He says the world is like a mask that acid burns away. When he does acid he can see what's under the mask."

"What's he see?"

Alice shrugged. "I don't know. I'm getting scared." She took her hands away from her face. Her cheeks were wet and her mascara was smeared. Black lines ran down from her eyes like soiled tears. "I do acid once and I'm getting hysterical." She laughed and shook her head and covered her face again.

Jerome touched her arm and found her muscles tense. He tried gently to pull her hands away from her face, but it was like pulling on the arms of a stone sculpture. He moved around the table to sit beside her. "Alice," he said. He put his arm around her. "Are you all right?"

She shook her head.

Jerome took her wrists in his hands and pulled her arms down. Her lips were opened slightly and her teeth were pressed together. She appeared to be staring at something that wasn't there. Jerome held her face in his hands. He tried to turn her head to look at him, but she resisted.

"I'm scared," she said through clenched teeth. "I'm really scared."

"Of what?" Jerome leaned back into the table, trying to get Alice to look at him.

"I don't know," she said, and then her eyes made contact with Jerome's, and some of the stiffness went out of her.

"Why don't we leave," Jerome said.

"Will you take me home?"

"Yes. I'll take you home." He put his hand under her arm and guided her out of the restaurant and to his car. It was a clear night, the sky bright with stars. Once Jerome was on the road, Alice lay down on the front seat and rested her head on his thigh. He stiffened at first. Then he saw beads of sweat on Alice's upper lip and her forehead, and he wiped them away with the palm of his hand. He asked, "Are you feeling any better?"

Alice nodded. "I don't know what happened," she said. "This feeling just came over me, like something terrible was all around me--like in nightmares when I was little and I knew something horrible was right behind me but I couldn't see it."

"Is it gone now?"

"Almost," she said. "It's melting away. I saw your eyes and it started. It's like melting away, it's almost all gone."

"You're high," Jerome said. "It's the drug."

"It's different." She nestled her head into his thigh and stomach as if he were a pillow. "I don't feel high. I don't feel all messed up. I feel clear. It's like something warm is spreading through me, melting away everything bad."

"You're high," Jerome repeated.

Alice pointed up, out the windshield. "Look at the stars," she said. "How bright."

Jerome had to lean down a bit so that he could look up out the window. "The light we're seeing,” he said, “it’s like looking at the past. It’s like, what we’re seeing now, it’s not really there. We can’t see what’s really there now."

Alice looked up at Jerome and then back out the window. "What makes you so religious, Jerome? What makes you a religious man?

Jerome was quiet. He looked down at Alice and saw that she was examining her hand. She held her opened hand in front of her face and moved her fingers slowly, as if she were playing a piano in slow motion. Her eyes were full of wonder. "I'm thankful," Jerome said. "I feel like..." He didn't know how to continue.

"I know what you mean," Alice said, still examining the workings of her hand. "It's good." Then she pulled herself up suddenly, and knelt beside Jerome. She kissed him. "But we're going to be bad tonight," she said. "Just this once. We're going to be so bad we're good."

Jerome pulled the car into the entrance to Alice's apartment complex, and she directed him to her parking space. Once they were out of the car and on the concrete walk that led to her apartment, Jerome put his hand on the small of Alice's back. "Are you feeling any steadier?"

Alice took Jerome's hand and slid it down into the back pocket of her jeans. She held her hand over his. "I like it better there."

Under his palm Jerome could feel the liquid smoothness and warmth of Alice's body. His heart beat faster, his thoughts scattered, and his breathing changed, became more rapid, so that he knew if he tried to speak a whole sentence the final words would be clipped or chopped off entirely. He didn't speak. He kept his hand in her back pocket as they walked up a flight of stairs. Alice leaned into him, her head against his chest. At the door, she produced a key and sighed as if the mundane detail of having to unlock the door wearied her. When she had trouble getting the key into the lock, she seemed surprised.

Jerome steadied Alice's hand with his own. He unlocked the door, pushed it open, and stepped into her apartment. The place was small, essentially one room divided into a living area and a kitchen. There were two open doors off a short hallway beyond the living room: one led to a bedroom, the double bed unmade, sheets and bedspread crumpled on the floor; and the other opened into a bathroom.

"Sit down." Alice gestured toward a frayed couch strewn with clothes. As she pointed, a brindled cat darted out of nowhere, between her legs, and jumped up onto the counter that separated the kitchen and living room. The cat startled her, and she lost her balance. She would have fallen if Jerome hadn't caught her. "Whoa," she said. "Maybe I am stoned." She looked around. "Colors seem different. More intense." She squinted and looked at a spot on the wall over the couch. "Does acid build? Like keep getting stronger?"

"I can't remember," Jerome said. He was standing behind her now, letting her lean back against him. "It's been more than twenty years."

Alice was staring at the same spot. She said, "I think the walls are breathing," and then she laughed. "No," she said. "I'm okay." She turned to face Jerome and put her arms around his waist. "I don't feel stoned." She stood on her toes and kissed him on the lips. "Wait here." She walked off, down the hallway. With her hand on a doorknob, she stopped and turned around, and looked back at Jerome. The hallway was dimly lit, and in it's shadows Alice's features seemed softer, almost flawless: her skin not dark in contrast to her white hair, but honey-colored, as if she were a native of a tropical island. "I feel like... in harmony with things. I feel a... connection... Like," she said, speaking slowly, each word taking its own good time, "right now I'm feeling like everything is a kind of moving quilt, and I'm one piece of the quilt over here, and you're another piece over there." She smiled, her eyes catching Jerome's eyes, and then she disappeared into her bedroom, closing the door behind her.

Inside his head, a voice asked Jerome what he was doing. Jerome said he didn't know. He pushed a terry cloth robe aside and sat down heavily on the couch. His heart was still beating hard. His skin felt prickly. Across the room, the cat was perched on the counter watching him, its tail resting on what appeared to be a stick of butter. Again the voice inside his head asked him what he was doing, and Jerome answered again that he didn't know. It didn't seem possible that he would actually go to bed with Alice, and it didn't seem possible that he wouldn't. What's the truth, he asked himself, and he answered that he wanted to sleep with her, he wanted to touch her, he wanted to enter her and feel each movement of her body deep inside him, and he wanted her to feel him, he wanted her hands and lips to touch him. That's the truth, he told himself; and then he told himself that he wasn't going to. When he asked why not, he had no good answer. He wasn't the same man who once put a woman in the hospital, who once crawled away from sex with blood on his hands and face. That man was long gone. That wasn't what would keep him out of her bed. And it wasn't his wife or his family or his religion, though those thoughts were there: Sylvia sleeping on her side, her hands folded to her breast; the priest in the dark confessional sliding open the window between the chambers and waiting for Jerome to speak; his daughters as children, as young women now off in college, away from home. Those thoughts were there but they felt powerless, weak as sunlight at dusk. If he didn't do it, it would be because he just didn't anymore. It wasn't the way he lived. When this answer came to Jerome, he laughed at himself, and not a pleasant laugh, but a laugh that carried a note of disdain.