“Reading Dead Rita’s Wisdom is like being embraced by a warm, much-needed hug, after a long, emotionally exhausting day. You know the experience will eventually end, so you savor every moment, inhaling the scents, nuzzling against the neck, resting your head against a strong shoulder, exhaling. And then it’s over and you’re left with a longing, but a realization that you are much more at peace and so, so grateful for having had the experience. Reading the book, I laughed out loud, I cheered, I teared-up. The wisdom resonated so deeply and I can clearly see how intensely the love for your mother ran in your veins. I am so grateful for having shared this experience. Thank you for this gift you have given the world!”
—S. Renee Mitchell, Writer, Speaker, Advocate, Creative Visionary, Ida B. Wells Award Winner and Pulitzer Prize Nominee 2005/2008
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“Rarely does a piece of work come along that stands the po-tential to provide as much impact as Dead Rita’s Wisdom. The lessons to be learned are sometimes quirky, elicit a wide range of emotions, are thought provoking and ultimately time tested. Vicky Trabosh has shared her very special relationship with Rita from the heart and in a way that makes you feel as if you were sitting right there with them as it took place. I whole-heartedly recommend you snuggle up and take in everything this book has to offer!”
—Scott Schilling, Speaker, Trainer and Author of Talking With Giants!
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“Victoria Trabosh’s book, Dead Rita’s Wisdom, is written with warmth, humor and an occasional jab to the gut. Your own mother’s voice will echo in your head as you digest the profound insights Vicky shares about Rita. Rita reminds me a great deal of my moth-er, Ruth; she loved her daughter passionately and without question. Although the book could be a quick read, the reader should pause for thoughtful reflection.”
—Judith A. McGee, Author of The Random House Personal Investment Guide
“Dead Rita’s Wisdom is one of those books that was meant to be written. When Vicky came into my life as a friend, she brought the special spice and spark that makes a friendship rich. I soon dis-covered that much of that spice came from her mother. For years I have enjoyed the spice of “Dead Rita’s Wisdom” as Vicky would insert it into an ordinary life moment and suddenly that moment had added depth.
When Vicky first mentioned the idea of writing this book and naming it Dead Rita’s Wisdom, I became one of her cheerleaders. I knew others would benefit greatly from the life lessons that Vicky gleaned from her mother and I was right. This book carries more than just wisdom, it stirs your heart as the reader is allowed to brush against the mother-daughter relationship. It allows you to see the richness of relationship and character found in the midst of an imperfect life. It causes the reader to see the treasures that adorn the hardships of life.”
—Janice Seney, Speaker, Artist, Author of The Heartbeat of God
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“I can’t put it down…love it! Thank you Vicky for bringing to light stories so touching and authentic. Your book is a gift to everyone with a mother who wants to remember their own pearls of wisdom to store in the treasure chest of their soul. Dead Rita’s Wisdom is a true gift to anyone who wants to discover the pearls of wisdom in their own relationship with their mother…remembering that it was all perfect as it was. This book will touch you at your core. Vicky’s stories will awaken in your own memory, the pearls of wisdom gifted by your mother that have made you who you are today. Thank you for creating this wonderful gift which has giving me so much gratitude for all that my mother went through in her life. Dead Rita’s Wisdom is helping me see the true gift she really was to me!”
—Katana Abbott, Founder and Co-host Smart Women Talk Radio, Contributing Author to Thank God I, Book 2 and Stepping Stones to Success
DEAD RITA’S WISDOM
Simple Words to Help You Live an Extraordinary Life
Victoria Trabosh
Copyright © 2011 Victoria Trabosh
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
ISBN 978-098310089-8
ISBN: 9780983100829
Printed in the United States of America
This book is a work of non-fiction. It is an honest and accurate account of stories of my life, and my mother’s, insofar as I have been able to remember and research.
Cover Design by Peter Butler of Urban Creatives PDX
Book Design by Barbara Denney
Publishing Consultant: On the Mark Publishing
Wisdom Beneath My Wings Publishing
2187 SW Main, Suite 201
Portland, Oregon 97205
Visit our website at www.WisdomBeneathMyWings.com
Dedicated to Rita Mae Clark Hoering
WRITING A BOOK IS AKIN to a mouse giving birth to an elephant…at least for a person like me. Until now, I hadn’t seen myself as a writer. It’s waaaay harder than I imagined! And yet, this book is done!
It is humbling to believe that I have a message. And yet, it’s through the faith of my mother, and all those who, in big and small ways, believed in me, that this book has taken flight.
To each of you listed here, please accept my love, thanks and gratitude. Without you, Dead Rita’s Wisdom would not be a reality.
To my dream team, Marcia Wieder, Gonzolo Flores, Tom Flynn, Brad Stauffer, Katana Abbott, Alicia Kent, Harmony Harrison, Andrew Brewer, Kim Boyden and Patti Keating: I learned from each of you to keep working on my dream of bringing this book into existence in spite of my doubts and fears. (Imagine what is possible when we allow others a glimpse into our dreams!)
To my editors, Tamela Viglione, Karla Smith, Harmony Harrison and Diane Hill: Really?! It took four of you!? Indeed! Thank you all for not trying to teach me a verb from a noun…you made this book flow better and allowed my voice to remain. Dead “editor” Rita would have been impressed with each of you!
Margie Kallenback: Thank you for your love and wisdom in my life. How blessed am I to love you. Linda K. Smith: Mom loved you because you are an incredible woman and friend, and Mom had it right! Thanks for so many years of friendship. Julie Sklare: You were there through the very end with Mom…you supported me and gave me comfort and I will always be grateful for you and our friendship. Timothy Newth: You have cried and laughed with me more than any other human being on this earth about Dead Rita – and you never even met her! I love you dearly. Josh Hoering: May Mom’s words con-tinue to give you wings and allow you to take your art to the world. You always believed in this project and that support and the story of Mom’s words to you in this book were another sign that the book must be written.
Rita Ngarambe: I will forever be indebted to you for asking me to come to Rwanda. It was your name, Rita, that caught my attention. It was your kindness and love that has held our friendship. Of course, Rita would take me to Rwanda! And because of you a portion of the proceeds of this book will flow through to the Itafari Foundation. Never doubt your influence in the world, or on my heart.
Jeff and Dan, beloved brothers: How thankful I am to have you both in my life and to receive your blessing on this book. Mom and I had many hours of conversations about her fierce love and hopes for you both. How I wish she were here to see what incredible men you have both continued to be.
Todd, Tim and Ty: How you got saddled with me as your step-mother, is something I doubt you’ll ever recover from. From the be-ginning, you have shown me more love and grace than I could have ever dreamed of receiving. You are my stepsons in the eyes of the world but you are my sons in the deepest part of my heart.
Tara: Who am I to be so graced to be loved by you? Your love from the beginning smashed all stereotypes of daughters resentful of their fathers who chose a younger bride. But not you! In every sense of the word, you are my daughter. We share a bond so similar to my bond with Mom. She was always sad I never had children of my own. But how wrong she was! Your support, your confidence in this project and your love and friendship with Mom all were part of this perfect plan. My unending love will be with you always.
John my beloved: Little did we know what we would accomplish together. But I knew you were the one, though I had no idea of the depth and breadth of your love. You have sheltered me, supported me, believed in me and laughed at all my jokes. The level of your care and support of my parents, especially Mom, is the least known public part of this journey. And then, when the idea of this book dropped into my brain, you were the first to say, “You have to write this book” after I showed you the first chapter. It was your confi-dence that made me know I had something to say. It is your strength that gives me courage. And it is your love that has allowed me to ac-complish the extraordinary.
To anyone I’ve overlooked, please accept my apologies. To ev-eryone who said, “When is Dead Rita’s Wisdom coming out?” or “Couldn’t you change the name of the book?” the answers were al-ways “soon” and “no.” Thank you for accepting those answers and always believing in me, and the wisdom of Dead Rita.
Love, Vicky
Letter to the Children of Rwanda
Introduction
Adversity
Purple Lips Is Here
The Most Important Day in Your Life
Weak Ankles
If You’re Mad, Get Glad
“I Will Not Be Like My Mother”
Don’t Fight His Battles
Honesty
Yes, But…
You’re Flat
Liar
You Should Look as Good Going as You Do Coming
I Don’t Trust Her
Whisker Watch
Courage
Stop Trying to Be Something You’re Not
I Don’t Mean Maybe
A Peace I Can’t Explain
Leave Your Entire World
Clean Your House Before You Go on Vacation
I Couldn’t Care Less
March Seventeenth
Communication
You Do Too Much
Consider the Source
Eyes in the Back of Your Head
You Make a Better Door Than a Window
Cats for to Make Kitten Britches
You and I Are One
Perseverance
The Future Belongs to Those Who Believe In the Beauty of Their Dreams
You Should Be an Accountant
This Too Shall Pass
I’m Entitled
Take Your Art to the World
Step into Your Greatness
Epilogue
Bio and Contact Information
Muraho. Amakuru? Nitwa Vicky.
I am an orphan.
Losing one’s parents is a loss like no other. This book is about my mother, whose wisdom has changed and sustained me long after her death in 1998. For so many of you who have lost a parent through disease, HIV, and the 1994 genocide, this book is a reminder that your loss does not need to be forgotten. That your loss and sacrifice are not in vain.
I am giving a portion of the proceeds of this book to the Itafari Foundation. Working in Rwanda is a privilege I never imagined.
In 2004, I met a woman named Rita Ngarambe, who came to my hometown of Portland to speak for World Vision International about Rwanda’s microfinance program. Rita had my attention because of her name—Rita is also my mother’s name. Now, Rita Ngarambe holds my friendship and heart because of the quality of her charac-ter and her immeasurable love for others.
When we met, we spoke of hope. She told me many of her clients had lost hope. I shared my belief that we are all here to do some-thing—that God wants us to do whatever we can while we are here on earth. She asked me to come to her country and speak about hope.
In June 2005, I came to Rwanda with World Vision. I left your country ten days later hoping I could do more. The Itafari Foundation is about that hope. Itafari (as you know) means brick. And a brick represents the weight of a malnourished child that cannot be comforted. It is the burden that a woman carries down a path as she struggles to find a way to feed her family. And it was the color of the soil that a woman saw as she was being violated face down in the dirt during the genocide. But a brick, an itafari, also represents hope. It is itafari by itafari by itafari that the Itafari Foundation will help strengthen, rebuild, and support the people of Rwanda.
May this book bring you comfort. May this book remind you of the wisdom you received from someone you love, or have loved and lost. And may this book remind you of the wisdom that lies within you—and encourage you to share who you are with those around you.
Getting this book completed only happened when I realized that I could do more for the Itafari Foundation financially by publishing it. Nothing inspires me more than Rwanda. Nothing reminds me more clearly that we honor those who have died more by our action than our grief. Nothing is more important than remembering loss and growing from it.
I am so sorry for your loss. May you honor those you have lost more by your action than your grief. And know you are not forgotten, nor are those you have lost.
Sincerely,
Vicky
“There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief … and unspeakable love.”
— Washington Irving
(1783 – 1859)
WHAT SUSTAINS US? WHAT VOICE reassures us we are capable of ac-complishing the impossible? What messages have we received that we will remember all of our lives?
For me, it has often been the great yet simple wisdom of my mother, Rita Clark Hoering. Her love was a guiding force in my life until she died in my arms on October 3, 1998.
She was sixty-five years old and, by my estimation, died twenty years too soon. You see, there was one thing I had always known for certain: That my mother and I would grow old together. That I would care for her when she needed me. That we would be together for a very long time.
Some desires are for material or selfish things. But my intention was noble. This was about love. But growing old together was not meant to be. And yet I was so sure it should have been the way I saw it!
But Rita would have said, “You’re wrong, Vic!” In the moment that she died, I realized one of the greatest lessons of my life: that I don’t know anything.
Her death took time. Breast cancer first struck in 1996. She re-covered, and then, in July 1997, was diagnosed with lung cancer.
Sixteen months, all told—the most heartbreaking and beauti-ful period of my life with my mother. While it was difficult to watch her body fade, her spirit remained gloriously intact. And our time together was magical—the best and the saddest of times. We were never as present with one another as in those final days.
It wasn’t until the moments after her death that I realized my best friend was gone forever.
But her loving wisdom remained. She passed it on to me through-out the years of our time together in word and in action, and the wis-dom lives on. I’ve shared much of it over the years with friends and strangers who have been cheered, comforted, and encouraged. In passing on that legacy, I’ve been comforted and strengthened as well.
As you might imagine, after my mother passed, she was often on my mind—and her wisdom was often on my lips. I’d find ways to bring any conversation around to her. My husband John, who’d lived through so much of it at my side, would patiently allow me to go on.
In time, though, he began to call me on it. I’d bring up something about Mom when talking with a stranger, and eventually I’d mention she had died. John would look at me quizzically, with great love and humor, and exclaim, “Your mother’s dead?!”
To which I’d respond, with equal humor, “You didn’t know?”
So—with tremendous affection and love—I began to refer to her as “Dead Rita.” This woman who was dearest mother, greatest friend, most trusted confidante, partner in crime, shopping buddy, role model—and so much more.
She’d have loved it. That’s the kind of woman she was. And it was the kind of humor we often shared, especially in those final months together.
Of course, I miss her. But what sustains me, and what has helped and healed others over the years, is what I’ve often called “Dead Rita’s Wisdom.”
Dead Rita’s Wisdom has been heard over the ages, through many voices. Yet, because Rita herself was unique, as we all are, her wis-dom was her own. Rita’s words can support, heal, and encourage you, as all true wisdom does.
This book isn’t about women or mothers. It’s about the people in our lives who support us and sustain us. Throughout this book you’ll come to recognize the wisdom and insights shared by those in your own life, living or dead. And when you do, you’ll likely hear them in the voice of the person from whom you learned them. Not only can you be taught by these moments, you can be comforted to remem-ber the one who had the kindness and heart to share them.
My life is rich and full. I lack for nothing of importance. But I miss Rita in such a way…Sometimes, when I see older mothers and daughters together, I wonder why I’ll never have that chance, the op-portunity to be with her here, for a longer time on earth.
And then a little of her wisdom comes to mind: I would never trade the kind of love I experienced even if I could have avoided the level of loss I’ve felt.
Not all mothers are like Dead Rita. Rita didn’t have a mother like Rita! But she lives on in this unabashed tribute. When I think of the words in this book, I hear her voice.
Mom, I dedicate this book to you.