QUESTIONS FOR INDIVIDUAL REFLECTION OR GROUP DISCUSSION
CHAPTERS 1 AND 2: PRIDE
1. How would you define pride?
2. What does God’s attitude toward pride reveal to you about His character? How do you see humility demonstrated by Jesus? See James 4:6.
3. Do you have any scratches or scars from times in your life when you told God or others, “I’ve got this; I don’t need your help”? What have you learned from those experiences? See Proverbs 3:5 NRSV.
4. Which would you say that you tend to rely on more to influence your children: your authority and power or your influence through relationship?
5. Does it cause you concern that your children may become much like you when they are grown, or does it give you hope? What changes do you need to make in yourself to provide the best model for them?
6. Review the “Four Ways to Humble Yourself.” What are some immediate actions you plan to take to help your children avoid pride? Are there long-term changes you need to begin making as well? Who will help hold you accountable to implement your plan?
CHAPTER 3: LUST
1. How would you define lust?
2. What does God’s attitude toward lust reveal to you about His character? How do you see purity demonstrated by Jesus? See 1 Thessalonians 4:3–8.
3. Why is it important to communicate to our children that God is not opposed to pleasure? What messages about morality and pleasure are you sending to your children?
4. What have you learned from your own past struggles with lust and addictive behaviors? How are you finding the accountability and support that you need now?
5. How do you help your children avoid the trap of secret sins while allowing them appropriate levels of privacy for their age? What additional safeguards do you think are necessary in today’s digital world?
6. Review the “Three Steps to Breaking the Chain.” Make a plan for how you will put one or more of these steps into action in your family, and share it with someone whom you can trust to support you.
CHAPTER 4: ENVY
1. How would you define envy?
2. What does God’s attitude toward envy reveal to you about His character? How do you see acceptance demonstrated by Jesus?
3. Recall a time that you struggled with envy because you compared yourself with others. What can you learn from your experience that you could pass on to your children?
4. Do you know which aspects of their identities your children struggle to accept about themselves? How could you have a conversation with your children to uncover any self-rejection they are experiencing?
5. What language do you need to use more of to help your children learn to accept themselves and celebrate their strengths? What language do you need to use less often? See Colossians 3:10.
6. Review the “Eight Unenvious Steps.” Pick one or two to try out in the next week, and then revisit the list to see if there are others you should implement.
CHAPTER 5: GREED
1. How do you define greed?
2. What does God’s opposition to greed reveal to you about His character? How do you see generosity demonstrated by Jesus?
3. How has greed affected your relationships in the past? Share an example with your children of how you had to choose between focusing on people and focusing on things, and what you learned from that experience.
4. The deadly sin of greed has its roots in the fear of not having enough. What triggers that fear in your own heart? When do your children most struggle with that fear? See Matthew 6:25–27.
5. Review the “Three Greed Busters.” Is there one that stands out for your family to use? Write down your strategy for putting it into practice.
CHAPTER 6: GLUTTONY
1. How do you define gluttony?
2. What does God’s opposition to gluttony reveal to you about His character? How do you see self-discipline demonstrated by Jesus?
3. How is it possible to be “blessed by less”? Share an experience with your children when you learned that you could actually experience more joy by having less of something for a season. See 2 Corinthians 12:7–10.
4. Does the concept of “rhythm” rather than “balance” resonate with you as a way to bring health to your family life? When is the last time you evaluated your schedule to see if your life is “in rhythm”?
5. Review the “Three Wolf Tamers.” Set a date that you want to start using one of them, and ask your spouse or a friend to check in on your progress.
CHAPTER 7: SLOTH
1. How do you define sloth? See Proverbs 6:6–11.
2. What does God’s opposition to sloth reveal to you about His character? How do you see diligence demonstrated by Jesus?
3. Have you had an experience when you either experienced a reward because of diligence or lost an opportunity due to laziness? Share what you learned with your children.
4. Would you say your children are like the ant—self-motivated by a greater purpose in life—or are they only motivated by external pressure? How can you help each of them gain a vision for a higher calling in life?
5. Have you or your children experienced a failure or loss that has caused you to give in to despair? How can you reawaken hope in your family? See Psalm 51:12.
6. Review the “Three Cups of Coffee.” Brainstorm some creative ways to have a conversation with each of your children about at least one of these, and then pick one idea to put into action.
CHAPTER 8: WRATH
1. How would you define wrath? From God’s point of view, what are the appropriate situations for “righteous anger”?
2. Have you ever thought of humanity (including yourself) as having a God-given responsibility to bring justice to the world? What experiences have you had with justice or injustice that could provide a teaching moment for your children? See Micah 6:8.
3. Do you need to apologize to anyone in your house for hurtful things you have said or done in an outburst of anger?
4. Are the rules in your house set up in a way that promotes the idea of justice to your children? Are there steps you need to take to make sure the rules are clear, the consequences are just, and the enforcement is consistent?
5. Review the “Three Temper Tamers.” Ask yourself which one you most needed to hear for yourself and then which one might most apply to each of your children. Pray through your ideas and make a commitment to God to work on the one(s) that need work.
CHAPTER 9: THE VIRTUES
1. How would you define virtue? How would it reshape your parenting to think of virtue not merely as doing the right thing in the present but also as forming habits that shape whom your children will become tomorrow?
2. What does God’s desire for His children to grow in virtue reflect about His character? How do you see the virtues perfected in Jesus? See Proverbs 23:15–16 NLT.
3. Trying to implement all seven virtues at one time could be overwhelming. How can you develop a plan for working through them gradually? Consider establishing a virtue of the week or month in your home. Brainstorm small ways you could reinforce that virtue through words and actions throughout that week or month.
4. Create a chart with all seven virtues, and post it on your refrigerator or some other visible place to track your progress. Consider keeping a virtues journal to record your journey and the life lessons you gain along the way.
CHAPTER 11: WHAT IF IT’S TOO LATE?
1. Do you have regrets about your parenting that are keeping you stuck in the past? Confessing our sins to God is always the first step, but verbalizing our mistakes to another person can sometimes help in gaining closure. Find a trusted friend or wise counselor with whom you can talk through your regrets, not so you can make excuses but so you can find the best ways to move forward.
2. How can you work through taking appropriate responsibility for your own failures and move forward into trusting God to “work all things together for good” (Romans 8:28) in your children’s lives?
3. What “second chapter” calling is God putting in your heart? How are you responding to His loving offer of hope for the future?
To my wife, Rachael, I’m forever thankful for the journey of marriage and the adventure of parenting that we share. To my parents and stepparents, when I’m talking to my children I sound so much like you. Thank you!
—PQ
To Emily, my partner in parenting, and to my mom and dad, who did their best not to ruin my life.
—KR
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments 13
Chapter 1 I’ve Got This 17
Chapter 2 I’m Not the Problem:
The Deadly Sin of Pride 27
Chapter 3 If It Feels Good, It Must Be Good:
The Deadly Sin of Lust 41
Chapter 4 Focus on What You Don’t Have:
The Deadly Sin of Envy 61
Chapter 5 It’s All about Me:
The Deadly Sin of Greed 79
Chapter 6 You Always Need More!:
The Deadly Sin of Gluttony 97
Chapter 7 The Easy Life Is the Good Life:
The Deadly Sin of Sloth 117
Chapter 8 If You Don’t Get Your Way, Get Mad!:
The Deadly Sin of Wrath 139
Chapter 9 Becoming Who You Are:
The Seven Cardinal Virtues 157
Chapter 10 What If It’s Too Late? 177
Notes187
Questions for Individual Reflection or Group Discussion 193
Extras
NOTES
Chapter 1: I’ve Got This
1. Not his real name. For legal and security reasons, the identities of children in the foster care system are kept private.
2. Proverbs 3:5 NRSV.
3. Proverbs 26:12 NRSV.
4. Luke 6:37–38 NRSV.
5. Luke 6:39–40 NRSV.
Chapter 2: I’m Not the Problem
1. Proverbs 3:34; James 4:6; 1 Peter 5:5.
2. Henri J. M. Nouwen, In the Name of Jesus (New York: Crossroad, 2002), 77.
3. Jeremiah 17:9.
4. Luke 6:41–42 NRSV.
5. 1 John 1:8. On this topic I highly recommend the little book Leadership and Self-Deception, Arbinger Institute (San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler, 2010).
6. Proverbs 9:8.
7. See John 13.
Chapter 3: If It Feels Good, It Must Be Good
1. Not their real names.
2. Matthew 7:11.
3. Genesis 1:31.
4. See John 21.
5. Hebrews 11:6.
6. John Piper, Desiring God (Colorado Springs, CO: Multnomah, 2003).
7. Romans 1:21–25.
8. 1 Thessalonians 4:3–8.
9. Sources at www.xxxchurch.com/stats have resources and tools for anyone seeking help with a pornography addiction.
10. David’s story is found in the Bible in the book of 2 Samuel.
11. Galatians 6:1 NLT.
12. For an overview see “The addicted brain,” Harvard Health Publications, June 9, 2009, www.health.harvard.edu/newsweek/The_addicted_brain.html.
13. Romans 8:31–32 NLT.
14. Proverbs 24:16.
15. 2 Timothy 2:22 NKJV.
16. Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook, 2000).
17. Shannon Ethridge, Every Woman’s Battle: Discovering God’s Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment (Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook, 2008).
18. John 10:10.
Chapter 4: Focus on What You Don’t Have
1. Matthew 6:25.
2. Matthew 6:27.
3. Matthew 6:28–30.
4. 2 Corinthians 10:12 NLT.
5. Ephesians 4:12–13.
6. Colossians 3:10.
7. “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights” (James 1:17).
8. Andy Stanley and Lane Jones, Communicating for Change: Seven Keys to Irresistible Communication (Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook Multnomah, 2006), 111.
9. Genesis 1:31.
10. 1 John 4:8.
11. Romans 8:28 NASB.
12. Romans 12:15.
13. Proverbs 14:30.
14. Marcus Buckingham and Donald O. Clifton, Now, Discover Your Strengths (New York: Gallup Organization audio book, 2001).
Chapter 5: It’s All about Me
1. Mark 8:34–37.
2. Matthew 6:24.
3. Henri J. M. Nouwen, The Return of the Prodigal Son: A Story of Homecoming (New York: Doubleday, 1994), 131.
4. Psalm 115:4–8.
5. Luke 6:30–31.
6. 1 John 4:20.
7. Romans 8:29.
8. Ephesians 4:28.
9. Jessica Jackley, “Poverty, money—and love,” TED Talks, July 2010, 18:33, www.ted.com/talks/jessica_jackley_poverty_money_and_love.
Chapter 6: You Always Need More!
1. “Overweight and Obesity,” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, accessed February 2, 2015, www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/facts.html.
2. Bill Hybels, Willow Creek Global Leadership Summit talk, 2013.
3. Luke 6:20–21.
4. Colossians 3:2.
5. Matthew 6:10.
6. Psalm 89:11; 108:5.
7. 2 Corinthians 12:7–10.
8. Philippians 2:5–11.
9. Hebrews 12:2–3.
10. Ecclesiastes 3:1–2.
11. Andy Stanley, Catalyst Conference talk, 2012.
12. Matthew 6:16–18.
13. 1 Timothy 4:4.
14. 1 Thessalonians 5:16–18.
Chapter 7: The Easy Life Is the Good Life
1. Proverbs 6:6–11.
2. Psalm 127:2.
3. Matthew 11:30.
4. Charles E. Hummel, Tyranny of the Urgent (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity, 1997).
5. Stephen R. Covey, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1990), 159.
6. Proverbs 13:4; 21:25; 15:19; 22:13.
7. Proverbs 26:16.
8. 2 Kings 13:19.
9. Luke 12:48.
10. Psalm 42:3–6.
11. Psalm 42:9–11.
12. 1 Corinthians 15:58.
13. Colossians 3:21 NASB.
14. Psalm 73:26.
15. Joshua 1:9.
Chapter 8: If You Don’t Get Your Way, Get Mad!
1. Genesis 1:26.
2. Psalm 8:3–6 NASB.
3. Proverbs 21:3 NASB.
4. Micah 6:8.
5. Isaiah 1:11, 13–17 NASB.
6. Romans 2:1.
7. Luke 6:39.
8. To be clear, the Torah says a great deal about God’s forgiveness, but it does not put forgiveness of others front and center the way the teaching of Jesus does.
9. Galatians 3:24 NASB.
10. Matthew 5:21–22.
11. James 3:5–10.
12. Ephesians 4:26–27.
13. Matthew 6:12, 14–15.
14. Ephesians 4:32; see also Colossians 3:13; Matthew 18:35.
Chapter 9: Becoming Who You Are
1. Charles Duhigg, The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business (New York: Random House, 2012), 62.
2. Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2002), 148.
3. Matthew 5:29.
4. Proverbs 7:4–5.
5. Robert D. Lupton, Toxic Charity: How Churches and Charities Hurt Those They Help (And How to Reverse It) (New York: HarperOne, 2011).
6. Matthew 6:20 NASB.
7. Matthew 25:23.
8. Colossians 3:23–24 NLT.
9. See Proverbs 17:6.
10. Proverbs 23:15–16 NLT.
11. Hebrews 12:10 NLT.
12. James 1:2–4 NLT.
13. Romans 8:28, 38 NLT.
Chapter 10: What If It’s Too Late?
1. See Luke 15:11–32.
HOW TO RUIN YOUR CHILD IN 7 EASY STEPS
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Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved; NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1960, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org.); NKJV are taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved; NRSV are taken from the New Revised Standard Version Bible, copyright 1989, Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved; and NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
LCCN 2014957980
ISBN 978-1-4347-0910-3
eISBN 978-1-4347-0932-5
© 2015 Patrick Quinn and Ken Roach
The Team: Alex Field, LB Norton, Nick Lee, Tiffany Thomas, Karen Athen
Cover Design: Amy Konyndyk
Cover Photo: iStockphoto
First Edition 2015
PATRICK M. QUINN is the teaching pastor of the 8,000-member Frazer United Methodist Church in Montgomery, Alabama. He holds a bachelor of science degree from Florida State University and a master of divinity degree from Candler School of Theology at Emory University. Patrick and his wife, Rachael, have three children and also serve as foster parents.
KEN ROACH is the director of content development at Frazer United Methodist Church. He is also husband to Emily and father of four. He holds a bachelor of communication from Auburn University Montgomery and is studying for the master of divinity at Asbury Theological Seminary.
Visit DCCeBooks.com for more great reads.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
One of the key messages of this book is that how you parent is really a function of who you are—everything about your own identity comes into play in how you influence your children’s lives. So, in one sense, in order to give proper credit for a book on parenting, Ken and I need to acknowledge everyone who has ever played a role in shaping us into who we are today: our grandparents and parents, pastors and Sunday school teachers and youth leaders, mentors and professors. In another sense, there’s nothing quite so audacious as writing a book on parenting, and if there’s anything to find fault with in our book, no one is to blame but us!
With that said, we would like to offer special thanks to the team at Frazer United Methodist Church, whom we have the privilege of serving alongside every day and who afforded us the time to put these thoughts together in writing. A project like this certainly would not have been possible for me without the day-to-day work of my assistant, Rebecca Bright. The team at David C Cook publishing—including our editor, LB Norton, and copyeditor, Leigh Westin—have been wonderful to work with. Roger Thompson, whom I serendipitously met through a mission to serve orphans in Haiti, was responsible for helping us make our initial connection with the team at David C Cook. Most of all, we would like to thank our children. Kaylee, Cate, Patrick Wilson, Aubree, Ethan, Abbie, and Andrew—ultimately, we learn so much more from you than you ever learn from us. You are God’s gifts to us, and we thank Him for the privilege of being earthly representatives of the Heavenly Father to you all.
What people are saying about …
HOW TO RUIN YOUR CHILD IN 7 EASY STEPS
“Communication is extremely challenging and so very important. Patrick Quinn and Ken Roach use a backdoor method of communication to help parents apply truth. Instead of telling you what to do in raising your child, they come through the backdoor by telling you how to ruin your child. It is truth in reverse. Reading and applying the truths in this book will require great transparency and self-examination. But with your vices recognized and under control, your child’s virtues can be recognized and practiced. Every reader will be challenged and blessed by this book.”
Dr. John Ed Mathison, retired pastor and founder of John Ed Mathison Leadership Ministries
“Some books are stocking fillers—fun, light, and easy on the eyes. Some books are shoe fillers—hefty with wisdom and worthy of being added to a distinguished line of classics in the field. Patrick Quinn and Ken Roach have given us a rare and special gift: a book that fills up stockings and shoes.”
Leonard Sweet, bestselling author, chief contributor to Sermons.com, and professor at Drew University, George Fox University, and Tabor College
“Being a dad can be downright daunting. I wonder what I’m doing wrong as a parent on a daily basis. Patrick and Ken bring much-needed clarity and encouragement to struggling moms and dads by reminding us that godly parenting is not easy … but it is simple: become the kind of person you want to reproduce.”
Mark Stuart, cofounder of Audio Adrenaline and the Hands and Feet Project
“If you google parenting, your computer blows up with links. Everybody has answers. What I love about this book is the timeless way it goes back to the scriptures and uses the seven deadly sins as a guide to help steer parents through the sea of parenting in our culture today. I especially like the chapter on pride—a major killer for dads today in effectively connecting to and leading their kids. I highly recommend this book to every parent.”
Mitch Temple, family therapist, author, Christian film consultant, and cofounder of The Fatherhood CoMission
“Patrick Quinn has a rare ability to communicate inspirational insights from otherwise ordinary moments of parenthood. How to Ruin Your Child in 7 Easy Steps has the right amount of humor and humility, victories and failures, and above all, honesty, to be a great read for parents. This book not only makes me want to be a better father, but it gives me some tools to do so.”
Roger W. Thompson, author of My Best Friend’s Funeral
“What a great, fresh, new perspective on parenting. With humility and humor from a man who is in the middle of raising his children, Patrick Quinn gives some wise direction to help us raise mature, responsible, spiritually alive kids. I wish this book had been available when I was in the trenches raising my children.”
Dr. Tim Thompson, senior pastor of Frazer United Methodist Church
“This faith-based parenting book tops my list! God’s Word, interwoven throughout, lays a foundation for valuable tips and practical advice. Seven words describe this must-read for parents seeking to raise disciples of Jesus Christ: insightful, motivating, realistic, engaging, humorous, inspiring, and powerful!”
Glenda Argo, director of children’s ministries at First United Methodist Church
retired minister of First United Methodist Church and president of Stegall Seminary Scholarship Endowment Foundation
“How to Ruin Your Child in 7 Easy Steps is a fun book to help parents develop character virtues in their children. It is based on the seven deadly sins of Proverbs 6:16–19 and their opposing virtues. Each chapter focuses on one of the deadly sins and grabs you immediately with a list of ways to ruin a child with that vice. The authors humorously and touchingly share from their life experience and give practical help on how to inculcate virtue into a child’s life. This is a book I will enthusiastically give to the parents of my eight grandchildren!”
Jim Tomberlin, pastor, author, church consultant, grandparent, and founder of MultiSite Solutions