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Introduction

‘Why are you being so quiet?’

Friends, teachers, acquaintances, even people I barely know, have asked me this question. Most mean well. They want to know if I’m all right, or if there’s a reason that I’m keeping to myself. Some ask in a way that suggests they think it’s a little weird that I haven’t spoken for a while.

I don’t always have a clear-cut answer to this question. Sometimes I’m quiet because I’m in the middle of a thought or observation. Sometimes I’m more focused on listening than on talking. Often, though, the reason I’m being quiet is because that’s just how I am. Quiet.

In school, it always seemed as if ‘outgoing’ was the highest compliment a person could get. In lessons, my teachers often asked me to speak up more. At school dances I headed for the dance floor with my friends, but if it had been up to me, we would have just hung out together at someone’s house. I went along to loud, crowded parties in college, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I would have had a better time eating dinner with a friend or two and going to the cinema. I never complained about it, though. I thought that I was supposed to do these things in order to be considered ‘normal’.

Throughout this time, I’d built up a small but close network of friends and colleagues. I never really cared whether someone was popular or not, which meant that some of my friends were ‘cool’ and others not at all. Thanks to my preference for intimate conversations, my friendships were built on mutual trust, enjoyment of each other’s company, and love. They had little to do with cliques or popularity contests. People started to praise me for my insightful questions, my ability to think independently and my calm approach to tense situations. They complimented me on being a deep thinker and great listener. They also started listening to me. They noticed that when I spoke, it was because I had something thoughtful to say. And once I moved into the working world, the bold, outspoken types who had once intimidated me started offering me jobs!

As time went on, I realized that my quiet approach to life had been a great power all along. It was a tool that I’d just needed to learn how to use. I looked around and saw that many of the great contributions to the world – from the Apple computer to the Cat in the Hat – had been made by introverts because of, not in spite of, their quiet temperaments. I culled my ideas into a book for adults called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. It hit the New York Times bestseller list and has stayed there for years, and has been translated into forty languages. Thousands and thousands of people have told me that this simple idea – that their quiet approach, if used correctly, is a powerful force – actually changed their lives. It touched them in ways I could not have imagined.

Soon I was doing things that seemed impossible when I was younger. When I was at school, for example, I was terrified of public speaking. I couldn’t sleep the night before I had to give a presentation. Once I was so scared that I froze in front of everyone and couldn’t even open my mouth. Now, as an advocate for introverted people, I appear on TV all over the world and deliver lectures in front of thousands of people. I gave a TED Talk about introversion that became one of the most watched TED Talks of all time, with many millions of views. (‘TED’ stands for technology, entertainment and design, and is the name of an organization that holds conferences where people share big ideas.)

Inspired by these experiences, I co-founded Quiet Revolution, a mission-based company whose goal is to empower introverts of all ages. I want us quiet types to feel we can be ourselves wherever we are – at school, at work and in society at large. Quiet Revolution advocates for change and boosts the voices of we introverts. The movement is inclusive – anyone is allowed to join, no matter how quiet or outgoing they are. I encourage you to get involved on Quietrev.com!

People often ask me whether I’ve turned into an extrovert, now that I’m such a comfortable public speaker and media commentator. But I haven’t changed in any fundamental way over the years. I still feel shy sometimes. And I love my quiet, reflective self. I’ve embraced the power of quiet – and you can too.

Many of my readers have told me they wish they’d heard about the Quiet Revolution when they were kids, or when they were parents bringing up their own introverted children. And I’ve also heard from inspiring young people who wish that there was a version of Quiet just for them.

That’s where this book comes in.

WHAT’S AN INTROVERT, ANYWAY?

There’s a psychological term for people like me. We’re called introverts – and there’s no single way to define us. We enjoy the company of others, but also like time alone. We can have great social skills, and also be private and keep to ourselves. We are observant. We might listen more than we talk. Being an introvert is about having a deep inner life, and considering that inner life to be important.

If an introvert is someone who looks inward, an extrovert is just the opposite. Extroverts thrive in groups and gain energy from being around others.

Even if you aren’t an introvert yourself, there are probably a few of us in your family or your circle of friends. Introverts make up a third to half of the population – that’s one out of every two or three people you know. Sometimes we’re easy to spot. We’re the ones curled up on the sofa with a book or an iPad on our lap instead of being surrounded by people. At crowded parties you might find us talking to a handful of friends – definitely not dancing on the table. In lessons, we sometimes look away when the teacher searches for volunteers. We’re paying attention – we’d just prefer to follow along quietly and to contribute when we’re ready.

Other times, we introverts are pretty good at hiding our true natures. We might pass undetected in classrooms and school canteens, living out loud when deep down we can’t wait to escape the crowd and to have some time to ourselves. Ever since I published my book, I’ve been amazed by how many seemingly extroverted people – including actors, politicians, entrepreneurs and athletes – have ‘confessed’ to me that they are introverts too.

Being introverted doesn’t necessarily mean being shy. This is an important distinction. Introverts can be shy, of course, but there’s such a thing as a shy extrovert too. Shy behaviour can look like introversion – it makes people appear to be quiet and reserved. Like introversion, the feeling of shyness is complicated; it has a lot of layers to it. It can come from a place of nervousness or insecurity about being accepted by others. It can come from a place of fear of doing the wrong thing. In school, a shy student might not raise his hand because he’s worried about giving the incorrect answer and feeling embarrassed. The introverted girl sitting next to him might keep her hand down too, but for different reasons. Maybe she doesn’t feel the need to contribute. Or she might be too busy listening and processing everything to talk. Just like introversion, shyness has its advantages. Studies show that shy kids tend to have loyal friendships, and to be conscientious, empathetic and creative. Both shy and introverted people make great listeners. And it’s through listening that we tend to be good at observing, learning and maturing.

This book is about both introversion and shyness – and about the advantages both qualities give you. I happen to be an introvert and a naturally shy person (even though I have come to feel less shy with time). But you might be only one or the other. Take the parts of the book that apply to you, and don’t worry about the rest.

ARE YOU AN INTROVERT, EXTROVERT OR AMBIVERT?

Psychology is the study of human behaviour and the human mind and its functions. Of course, each person’s mind has its own special wiring, but everyone follows more or less the same framework, and there’s a lot of overlap between us all. Carl Jung (pronounced ‘yoong’), a famous twentieth-century psychologist, introduced the terms ‘introvert’ and ‘extrovert’ as a way to describe different personality types. Jung was an introvert himself, and he was the first to explain that introverts are drawn to the inner world of thoughts and feelings, while their opposites, extroverts, crave the external world of people and activities.

Of course, even Jung said that no one is all introvert or all extrovert. These traits exist on what’s called a spectrum. The best way to understand a spectrum is to imagine a long ruler. Let’s say there are extreme extroverts at one end of the ruler, and extreme introverts at the other. There are people who fall near the middle – psychologists call them ‘ambiverts’ – but even those who tend towards one of the two sides are still a bit of a mix. Many introverts say that when they’re with close friends or discussing an interesting subject, they act more like extroverts. And as much as extroverts like to be around people, most of them also need downtime to chill out too.

Before we go any further, here’s a chance to see where you fall on the introvert-extrovert spectrum. There are no right or wrong answers. Just pick ‘true’ or ‘false’ based on which one most often applies to you.

I prefer spending time with one or two friends instead of a group.

I’d rather express my ideas in writing.

I enjoy being alone.

I prefer deep conversations to small talk.

My friends tell me that I’m a good listener.

I prefer small classes to large ones.

I avoid conflicts.

I don’t like showing people my work until it’s perfect.

I work best on my own.

I don’t like being called on in lessons.

I feel drained after spending time with friends, even when I have fun.

I’d rather celebrate my birthday with a few friends and family, instead of having a huge party.

I don’t mind big independent projects at school.

I spend lots of time in my room.

I’m usually not a big risk taker.

I can dive into a project, practise a sport or instrument, or engage in something creative for hours at a time, without getting bored.

I tend to think before I speak.

I’d rather text or email than talk on the phone with someone I don’t know very well.

I don’t feel totally comfortable being the centre of attention.

I usually like asking questions more than I like answering them.

People often describe me as soft-spoken or shy.

If I had to choose, I’d prefer a weekend with absolutely nothing to do to one with too many things scheduled.*

* This is an informal quiz, not a scientifically validated personality test. The questions were formulated based on characteristics of introversion often accepted by contemporary researchers.

The more often you answered ‘true’, the more introverted you probably are. If you answered ‘false’ more often, it’s likely you’re more of an extrovert. If you answered ‘true’ and ‘false’ equally, you’re probably an ambivert.

Whichever way you lean is fine. The key to a comfortable life is to know your own preferences. Some people really are ‘born introverts’ or ‘born extroverts’, and personality traits like introversion and extroversion can be passed down from one generation to the next. Our genes don’t decide everything, though. Even if you see yourself as one or the other, your personality and attitude aren’t set in stone; you have lots of room to shape and develop them over time. Someone born with an extremely shy and quiet temperament probably won’t grow up to perform in front of huge audiences like Taylor Swift, but most of us can stretch to some degree, much the way a rubber band can stretch very flexibly (up to a certain point).

Recognizing which kinds of situations make you feel masterful and at ease can give you a sense of control. Then you can make choices based on what you know works for you. You can pursue the activities that bring you comfort – and step outside your comfort zone when you feel it’s worthwhile, for the sake of a project or person you care about. I can’t emphasize enough how empowering it is to live this way – so we’ll come back to this point throughout the book. Validation from those around you – online or in person – feels good, but the most important validation comes from your very own self.

EXTROVERTS ARE GREAT TOO

Society often overlooks we introverts. We idolize the talkers and the spotlight seekers, as if they are the role models everyone should be emulating. I call this the Extrovert Ideal. This is the belief that we’re all supposed to be quick-thinking, charismatic risk-takers who prefer action to contemplation. The Extrovert Ideal is what can make you feel as if there’s something wrong with you because you’re not at your best in a large group. It’s an especially powerful force at school, where the loudest, most talkative kids are often the most popular, and where teachers reward the students who are eager to raise their hands in lessons.

This book questions the Extrovert Ideal – but that doesn’t mean it questions extroverts themselves. My best friend, Judith, is a social butterfly who has been at the centre of the ‘popular crowd’ since primary school. My beloved husband, Ken, is a charming take-charge type who always has interesting stories to share in a group. I love Judith and Ken partly because we’re different, and we complement each other. They see strengths in me that they don’t have themselves (or don’t have as often as they would like), and I feel the exact same way about them.

I really can’t say enough about the yin and yang of the two personality types. When we join together, we’re so much better than the sum of our two parts. My husband and I use a Mexican expression to describe this: ‘juntos somos más’, which in English means ‘together we are more.’

As much as I love extroverts, though, I want to shine the spotlight on what it feels like to be quiet – and to show just how powerful quiet can be. It’s no accident that many of history’s greatest artists, inventors, scientists, athletes and business leaders were introverts. As a child, Mahatma Gandhi was shy and afraid of everything, especially other people; he used to run home from school as soon as the bell rang, to avoid socializing with his classmates. But he grew up to lead the nation of India to independence, without changing his fundamental nature. He fought his battles through peaceful, non-violent protests.

The National Basketball Association’s all-time leading scorer, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, would toss his sky hooks in front of tens of thousands of people each night, but he enjoyed neither the crowds nor the attention. He loved reading history books and described himself as a nerd who happened to be good at basketball. He’s also used his quiet time to write, publishing both novels and memoirs.

What about Beyoncé? You may know this icon for her sold-out stadium shows around the world. Or for her music videos, which, combined, have garnered over a billion YouTube views. But even though Beyoncé grew up performing from an early age, she describes herself as an introverted child. Now her confidence inspires her fans around the world – but it doesn’t mean that she has changed her quiet, observant ways. ‘I’m a good listener and I like to observe, and sometimes people think that’s being shy,’ she says.

The gifted actress Emma Watson is a shy introvert too. ‘The truth is that I’m genuinely a shy, socially awkward, introverted person,’ says Watson. ‘At a big party … it’s too much stimulation for me, which is why I end up going to the bathroom! I need time-outs … I’m terrible at small talk … I feel a pressure when I’m meeting new people because I’m aware of their expectations. Which isn’t to say that when I’m in a small group and around my friends, I don’t love to dance and be extroverted. I am just extremely self-conscious in public.’

Misty Copeland has been touted as an ‘unlikely ballerina’. She started training young – but not nearly as young as most ballerinas, who often start as early as four! As a shy thirteen-year-old, Misty thought that her school audition for the dance drill team had been a disaster. But even though she was quiet, she didn’t go unnoticed. Her strength and talent were undeniable, and her ability to observe and focus on complex choreography was unique for someone her age. She was named captain of the squad of sixty girls that day, eventually leading her on the path to ballet. In 2015, she became the first black female principal dancer in the American Ballet Theatre’s history.

Albert Einstein is another well-known introvert. As a child, his preference for independent learning sometimes got him into trouble. When he was sixteen, he failed a school entrance exam partly because he hadn’t taken the time to study all the subjects; he’d focused only on what interested him. Later, though, he learned to mix his intense periods of solitary work with small social gatherings. In his twenties, he started the Olympia Academy, a club where he’d meet with a few close friends to discuss the ideas he’d spent so many hours developing in solitude. When he was twenty-six, Einstein completely rewrote the laws of physics. At age forty-two, he won the Nobel Prize.

In the following pages, you’ll meet quiet kids who excel at traditionally introverted activities, such as writing and art. You’ll also meet introverts who are presidents of their school class, champion public speakers, athletes, actors and singers. These roles might not seem suited to quiet kids – and in many cases, the kids I’ll introduce you to were reluctant to pursue them at first. But they drove themselves forward out of a passion for their work. This single-minded passion is a common characteristic of many introverts – I hope that over time (it doesn’t have to happen right away) you’ll identify your own!

Through the stories and experiences of other young people like you, I’ll address questions that introverts often wonder about. How do you carve out a place for yourself as a quiet person? How can you make sure that you’re not ignored? And how do you make new friends when it feels hard to muster the confidence to be chatty?

In this book we’ll talk about the ways we introverts relate to those around us – to friends, family and teachers. We’ll talk about the ways we pursue our interests and hobbies. And we’ll talk about the ways we relate to our own selves, as individuals. I hope that through this book you learn to accept and treasure yourself – just as you are. The world needs you, and there are so many ways to make your quiet style speak volumes.

Think of this as a guidebook. It won’t teach you how to turn yourself into someone else. Instead, it will teach you to use the marvellous qualities and skills you already have. And then … look out, world!

PENGUIN LIFE

Table of Contents

THE BEGINNING

A Manifesto for Introverts

Introduction

WHAT’S AN INTROVERT, ANYWAY?

ARE YOU AN INTROVERT, EXTROVERT OR AMBIVERT?

EXTROVERTS ARE GREAT TOO

Part One

SCHOOL