PRAISE FOR POSITIVELY PRIMAL
'Positively Primal is the perfect antidote to our 24–7 lifestyle. Through research and discussion and full of helpful tips, this book provides us with direction on how to take a step back from the pressures of modern life. As always, Emma Woolf's words provide understanding, comfort and support; I know I will return to them time and time again… a wellbalanced and beautifully written companion to life.'
Renee McGregor, dietitian and sport nutritionist, and author of Training Food
'I am never happier than when outside, searching for wildlife or on expeditions. The simplicity to life, the fresh air, the elements and activity bless us in ways we cannot possibly quantify. I salute Positively Primal for attempting to bring this ethos to as many people as possible.'
Steve Backshall, wildlife presenter, naturalist and adventurer
'Positively Primal is inspiring and well-researched, showing a depth of knowledge. Many things in this book are quite remarkable. There are passages which I plan to share with my clients, a very mature kind of wisdom on the part of someone who is still young… To read Emma Woolf's contributions thus is a privilege of its own kind.'
Deanne Jade, psychologist and founder of the National Centre For Eating Disorders
'This book will inspire you to transform the way you live, and discover a deeper sense of joy. As the book says, "…do what you can to change this world for the better and have fun along the way."'
Clea Grady, Veganuary
PRAISE FOR LETTING GO
'A practical and heartfelt guide to healing for anyone who has suffered from low self-esteem, a lack of confidence, or disordered eating. Woolf writes with intelligence, wisdom and compassion for a generation of women battling an enduring media onslaught of perfectionism. The fightback continues.'
Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett,The Vagenda
'Psychology, philosophy and personal growth marvellously rolled into one, Letting Go is a must-read. This book shows us how to develop inner confidence, open new doors, and rediscover joy and meaning in our lives.'
Deanne Jade, psychologist and founder of the National Centre For Eating Disorders
'Letting Go is not about giving up, but about letting freedom in. This brave and personal account shows us that the path to true liberation is through embracing our true selves, however flawed we fear they might be.'
Sally Brampton, author of Shoot the Damn Dog and columnist for Top Santé and Psychologies
'A timely reminder that though we may take ourselves for granted at times, self-care is a divine responsibility. In Woolf's intimately personal yet relatable voice, Letting Go empowers us to accept both the role of wounded and healer.'
Caroline Kent, Telegraph journalist
'Gutsy and engaging, Letting Go combines research and real-life advice on fulfilling your inner potential and building self-belief... Woolf's latest book is highly recommended.'
Tim Weeks, Olympic trainer
PRAISE FOR AN APPLE A DAY
'An Apple a Day is the single most important book in my library. I genuinely believe that I am alive because of it. It saved my life.'
Martha Greengrass
'I read An Apple a Day, and cried and cried. Reading about the illness in black and white forced me to admit to myself that I did have a problem… Through baring your innermost thoughts and feelings you have given me so much support. Thank you.'
Tessa
'I cannot thank you enough for writing An Apple a Day… I could write and write and write forever about all the ways you helped me, but I am going to sit and enjoy the rest of my food now, because of you :)'
Samantha
'Second time reading An Apple a Day – honestly the most inspiring thing I've ever read.'
Charlotte (@char_cassels)
'When I read An Apple a Day, I finally realised that my struggle was a real one and that I was not alone… Thank you for reminding me that this isn't living. Thank you for reminding me: I want my life back.'
Yasmin
'I first read An Apple a Day when I was in my very worst struggle with anorexia, and looking back I can truly say that it was one of the things that saved me. Your words are so real and true… Opening up to the public and media about eating disorders is such an incredibly brave thing to do. I admire you so much. Thank you for everything you do.'
Aine
PRAISE FOR THE MINISTRY OF THIN
'Just finished reading The Ministry of Thin by @EJWoolf. It strengthened my resolve to be pro-cake, pro-health and prohappiness. Awesome read.'
@CakeSpy
'It is because of you and your books that you have conveyed to me and thousands of others that I am able to truly believe I am totally, utterly, and undoubtedly worthy of being totally, utterly and beautifully free of my own demons… You have reached out to me without even knowing.'
SV
'I cannot put The Ministry of Thin down! It should be on school compulsory reading lists… Inspires a lot of question and debate.'
Emma Louise Vizard (@EmmiLouize)
'Your books An Apple a Day and The Ministry of Thin have been essential reading in preventing my own relapse while I'm studying at university. Time and again they have stopped me from falling back into that dark, dark place.'
ML
'I loved The Ministry Of Thin – I don't believe there's anyone with a better overall grasp of body image issues than Emma Woolf right now.'
Kate Long
'The Ministry of Thin is a call to arms – Fat is a Feminist Issue for our times.'
Katharine Quarmby, Newsweek Europe
POSITIVELY PRIMAL
Copyright © Emma Woolf, 2016
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced by any means, nor transmitted, nor translated into a machine language, without the written permission of the publishers.
Emma Woolf has asserted her right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
Condition of Sale
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
Summersdale Publishers Ltd
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UK
www.summersdale.com
eISBN: 978-1-78372-805-3
Substantial discounts on bulk quantities of Summersdale books are available to corporations, professional associations and other organisations. For details contact Nicky Douglas by telephone: +44 (0) 1243 756902, fax: +44 (0) 1243 786300 or email: nicky@summersdale.com.
Also by Emma Woolf:
An Apple a Day
The Ministry of Thin
Ways of Escape
Letting Go
Contents
Introduction
Primal Mindset
Primal Disconnection
Primal Relationships
Primal Fertility
Primal Work
Primal Eating
Primal Hunger
Primal and Meat-free
Primal and Seasonal
Primal Exercise
Primal Beauty
Primal Sleep
Primal World
Primal Spirituality
Conclusion
Acknowledgements
References
Let us give Nature a chance; she knows her business better than we do.
Michel de Montaigne
With freedom, books, flowers, and the moon, who could not be happy?
Oscar Wilde
Introduction
What's It All About?
Modern life can cause us to feel profoundly disconnected from our primal nature. Too often we find ourselves living as we feel we should, rather than as we'd like. We eat the food we think we ought to eat, force ourselves through repetitive workouts at the gym, pursue careers which are less than fulfilling and go to work each day with less than a spring in our step. When we turn on the news, we're confronted with terrible events happening around the world: from civil wars and terrorism to famines and natural disasters. Then we look at the damage we're doing to our environment; the relentless airport expansions, road-building and pollution. It's easy to feel powerless and to despair.
Sometimes we even despair about ourselves. We tell ourselves that things would be better if only we were smarter, richer, younger, prettier or thinner. We imagine that other people are happier; we buy and consume more stuff; we look at our bodies in the mirror and dislike what we see. We touch our smartphones more than we touch each other, leaving us lonelier and more disconnected than ever.
What if life could be simpler? What if we could banish fear, obligation and deprivation, and decide to live instead by instinct, joy and kindness? What if we could replace virtual connection with truly meaningful human interaction? What if we could get back in touch with our natural, primal selves and regain that spring in our step?
Do you feel completely in tune with yourself? Can you say that you listen and respond to your body's appetites and desires? Do you trust your physical needs for food and sleep? Do you respond to your instincts for sex and play? Are you comfortable with yourself, at peace in your own skin? Do you feel that your mind and body are in sync?
If you can answer yes to all these questions: congratulations! But many of us cannot. Rates of anxiety, depression, suicide, divorce and loneliness are on the increase, as are eating disorders and obesity. It's not only adults who are affected: an international survey on wellbeing found that children and adolescents scored among the lowest on levels of self-confidence, body image and happiness. As we enjoy greater wealth, higher living standards, better healthcare and faster technology than at any time in the past, it seems illogical that we should be less happy than the generations who went before us.
Positively Primal is a journey of self-discovery, based on ancient philosophy, modern science and common sense, and respect for our individuality, others and the world in which we live. It involves no rules, no restrictive diets, no expensive supplements or equipment – and no deprivation. There are enough rules already in modern life: Positively Primal will liberate you from rules. Your primal nature is already within you. You hold the key to becoming happier, calmer and stronger.
There is no doubt that we're yearning for a more natural way of life. From wild swimming to vegetable growing and barefoot running to clean eating, the primal lifestyle is coming into its own. Whether by decluttering or disconnecting, many of us are longing to streamline and simplify. We have reached 'peak stuff', with too many material possessions, and research shows that it's making us ill. Two-thirds of us think we would be better off if we lived more simply and many feel weighed down by their own excess. People who struggle with too much stuff in their homes are more likely to feel stressed, tired and depressed, and have a higher mortality rate. The problem has been dubbed 'stuffocation', and likened to the material equivalent of obesity.
Freed of the junk of our everyday lives, we feel mentally clearer and spiritually lighter. Reducing life to the essentials feels elemental and natural, and it allows us to work out what matters: family, friends, health, the planet; and what doesn't: bank balance, social status, job title, possessions… As well as a resurgence in spirituality and humanism, there is a dawning realisation that, beyond the basics, more possessions don't make us more satisfied. It's also good for our wallets: buying less reminds us that there is so much more to life than acquiring stuff.
Decluttering our physical surroundings encourages us to live more authentically. Living elementally, in tune with the seasons, makes sense on every level: it's good for our mental and physical health, for our relationships and for the environment. Indeed, our desire to live more minimally is linked to growing environmental awareness about the sheer wastefulness of modern life.
Prehistoric man may seem impossibly remote, but in evolutionary terms, those 20,000 years are a blink of an eye. While few of us would want to go back to living in caves, wearing animal skins and dying in middle age, there is much we can learn from our primal ancestors. They lived in close communion with the Earth, with each other and with their own bodies; they hunted, ate and slept in a more symbiotic cycle with the sun and the seasons.
I'm not the only one to have serious concerns about where our species is heading. For all the amazing benefits of the digital revolution – and there are many – who is really in control these days? The human mind is ingenious and limitless in its capacity for inventiveness, but in the end, humans need more than just faster Wi-Fi, driverless cars and pizzas delivered to our door at the touch of an app. We may live in concrete jungles, but we still need to feel the earth beneath our feet, the rain on our faces and the wind in our hair. We continue to love the wild places and still yearn to get back to nature. Why else would we flock en masse to marvel at the Grand Canyon and to climb mountains so we can wonder at the unspoilt regions of the planet?
More or Less Primal – Your Choice
The beautiful thing about going primal is that it's individual and gradual: the extent to which you make changes is entirely up to you. While I advocate (and personally crave) regular breaks from technology, for example, it's totally your choice to what extent you disconnect, and how often. You could try going offline for a few hours to see how you feel and to begin to experience the benefits; a few hours could then become a day or even a whole weekend. The same goes for primal eating: you could have meat-free days, or experiment with vegetarian recipes, but it doesn't need to happen all at once. Being positively primal isn't all or nothing. Chances are, the more opportunities you find to reconnect with yourself, with real food and the world around you, the more you'll enjoy it. But it's a process which can happily co-exist with modern life: take it slow and enjoy the journey, rather than launching yourself into a punitive regime.
Going primal is also a virtuous circle. It's about developing a more intuitive relationship with the world around us, as well as with ourselves. Concern for our fragile planet is increasing, with millions of us facing up to the fact that oil, coal and gas are finite resources, and we need to find another way. What is infinite, of course, are those natural, renewable sources of energy: wind, sea and solar.
To these sources of renewable energy, I would add human ingenuity, positivity and kindness. Living more primally means thinking seriously about how we consume, and how we can reuse more and waste less.
Going primal is also economical: it involves no expensive equipment, ingredients or gym memberships. And that's precisely the point. The more you're using your body and your natural surroundings – to work out, to travel, to feed yourself – the more primal you become. Consuming less meat, turning down your heating, walking and cycling more? Of course you're going to look and feel a million times better! It's a win-win situation – and, I promise you, it's pain-free.
Ditch the Rules
As anyone who has ever tried a strict diet knows, rules are for fools. How many of us start the new year with a list of resolutions, a pristine pair of trainers or a cupboard full of superfood powders and potions? Mostly, this induces a feeling of obligation and deprivation: I must go running five mornings a week, I must drink three green juices a day and I must not eat chocolate or cake.
On your primal journey, there are no rules: you can be a meat-eater or a vegetarian, a wine-lover or teetotal, super-sporty or not-so-active, a leftie environmentalist or a free-market capitalist – or anything in between. The journey is about rediscovering your creative side, finding solutions to personal challenges, and exploring your own curiosity and strength. It's not about following rules.
While eating fresh produce and getting active will lead to a healthier – and probably fitter – you, Positively Primal is emphatically not about weight loss. We won't be focusing on shedding pounds, and the phrase 'drop a dress size' will not pass my lips. If you want to feel happier and stronger, this is the book for you; if you just want to get thin, not so much.
When you're at peace in your own skin, with fulfilling work and good relationships, everything else falls into place. That could well include self-esteem, body issues and disordered eating, but this book is not about how you look or what you weigh. It focuses on how you feel and who you are; it's about valuing your body, rather than comparing it to others or measuring how it falls short.
Back to the Future
On your journey towards – or back to – a more primal existence, we'll explore every aspect of physical and mental well-being. We'll look at eating, exercising, working and playing in a more primal way. And we'll look at thoughts and emotions, our relationships with others, and how to feel more in tune with the seasons and the world around us. We'll look at Ayurveda, the ancient Indian science of wellbeing, and how to work out your individual 'dosha' type. Along the way we'll explore the evidence for the benefits of going primal, by way of research and real-life stories, tips and advice from a range of nutritional, fitness, scientific and spiritual experts and professionals.
I recently went to see the Indian mystic Sadhguru speak in London. At the end of his talk he asked this simple question:
'Did the sun rise and did you wake up this morning?'
Like the rest of the audience, I thought: of course the sun rose. Of course I woke up… So what?
Yes, so what? Of course you woke up today, since you're reading this book. But stop to consider for a moment: approximately one million people around the world die each day. That's a million people who did not wake up this morning, who will never see another sunrise – to say nothing of the millions of bereaved families and friends they leave behind. Today dawned, just as it should, maybe without you even noticing. The sun did not collide with another planet or explode in a ball of flames. You did not die, and neither (I hope) did anyone you love.
Reflecting on this miracle made me feel ashamed of my occasional grumpiness on waking. Really, no day should be a 'bad day' – remember, whatever else happens, you're alive. This is what the primal approach is all about: finding simple pleasure in the everyday.
Whether you already live a perfectly primal lifestyle, or these are your first steps, I hope you'll find it fulfilling. With the pace and impersonality of modern existence, it can be easy to feel anxious, disconnected or simply burnt out. On this primal journey, you'll rediscover your natural joie de vivre, the capacity for human joy that lies within every one of us. Taking a primal path allows you to enjoy your health through activity and adventure, to tune into your instincts and appetites, and to live in harmony with the natural world. I can't promise you a new body in seven days but I can help you discover a new mindset which will last a lifetime. Remember: the main things are to embrace the primal journey, to do what you can to change this world for the better, and to have fun along the way.
Chapter 1
Primal Mindset
Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.
A. A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
There are times in everyone's life when things get tough or go off-course, from relationships to work or health. Maybe you feel lost or lonely, demoralised or directionless. Perhaps you think everyone else is happier and more successful than you are. When these times come, as they will for us all, remember that you are not as powerless as you feel. Even when you cannot change the situation, you can modify the way you think about it and react to it. It really is remarkable what a difference our minds can make.
One of the first and most powerful decisions you can make is not to be a victim of circumstance. Negative human habits aren't easy to change – we've all been guilty of complaining and comparing, holding grudges or feeling hard done by – but persistence and determination will get you a long way. Whatever happens, you can choose simply to remain positive, find a bright side and count your blessings, no matter how great the challenges. Gratitude and positivity are at the very heart of the primal mindset.
Less Attitude, More Gratitude
Gratitude is on the up and up. Hot on the heels of the mindfulness trend, gratitude is all over social media, with the obligatory hashtags: #blessed, #humbled, #grateful. We may sneer at the faux-humility and the humblebrags, but we shouldn't dismiss the power of gratitude. It is, quite simply, one of the most valuable habits you can take up.
Gratitude transforms uncertainty into clarity, bitterness into happiness and regret into joy. It's also good for our mental and physical health. A study reported by the American Psychological Association found that more gratitude was associated with 'better mood, better sleep, less fatigue and lower levels of inflammatory biomarkers related to cardiac health'. Psychologists also believe it may help in the prevention and treatment of clinical depression.
We're often told that learning to live in the present moment, and practising mindfulness, increases our potential for happiness. In a similar way, being grateful adds to the joy we feel. And while mindfulness isn't an easy skill to master, gratitude couldn't be simpler. It requires nothing but an open heart and open eyes, because the good is already there, all around us in our lives. It involves no complicated system of skills or beliefs: it's simply saying thank you for what you already have. No matter how hard things get, keep returning to that simple fact: this is a life of abundance and good fortune. Counting your blessings strengthens the gratitude muscle and enriches daily life.
Remember: it's not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.
Lucky You
When I say that this is a life of 'abundance', I really mean it. Right now, more than 1.3 billion people worldwide live in extreme poverty, surviving on less than $1.25 a day. Also, 805 million people do not have enough food to eat, more than 750 million people lack access to clean drinking water and approximately 1.6 billion people live without electricity.
Pause for a moment, and look at what you're doing: reading this book, perhaps using the Internet, sipping a coffee, warm and fed, with clothes on your back and a roof over your head. There are electric lights around you, and hot and cold running water in the taps. No matter what your individual circumstances, yours is a life of tremendous good luck and abundance, even riches.
Reasons to Be Grateful
Gratitude has been proven to beget more gratitude: if you spend a few moments tuning in to the great things in your life, you tend to notice them more throughout the rest of your day.
Gratitude is liberating. Being thankful is stronger than anger, regret or negativity. When you can say 'thank you for the experience', you're able to forgive and move on.
Gratitude makes you see that what you have right now is enough. You never really need more than what you have in the present moment. Inhabit this moment, and savour it.
If you're in a dark place, remember that nothing stays the same forever. Life will inevitably surprise you again in some unimaginable way. Don't assume that you're stuck with the way things are right now. You aren't: life can, and will, change in an instant.
How to Get Started
Make your gratitude all-inclusive. Appreciate everything and everyone in your life. Give thanks for the lessons you've learned, the people you've met and the love you've felt.
Give back. When a person or organisation has helped you in some way, try to return the favour, or at least acknowledge their impact on your life. Writing thank-you cards may be old-fashioned, but so what? A box of chocolates, a bunch of flowers, a hug or a kind word never disappoints!
Don't look back in anger. Ban
what-ifs and
if-onlys from your vocabulary. Just because something doesn't last forever, that doesn't mean it wasn't good while it lasted. Replace regret with a sense of wonder.
Let go of control: you cannot control what happens; you can only live for each moment. When you appreciate the present, you'll find yourself worrying less about the past and the future.
Keep it simple, keep it primal. If you're struggling to feel positive (and we all do sometimes), start with the simplest things: the grass between your toes, the sun on your face, the wind in your hair and the rain on your skin. We live in an amazing world; there is always something to be grateful for.
Tracking Your Gratitude
Most positive-thinking experts recommend keeping a daily journal in which to record special moments or reasons to be happy and grateful. While I agree with the power of thinking thankfully, I don't believe you have to write it in a journal. Keeping a permanent list makes me feel as though I should be coming up with profound events or emotions to be recorded for all time, different every day. In fact, gratitude can and should be just the opposite: simple moments of pleasure in the everyday.
A disposable list, such as a Post-it note or the back of a receipt which you can chuck away, can feel more liberating. I often scribble my gratitude moments on the back of my hand, where I'll see it for a few hours before it gets washed off. See what works for you: transient jottings of those daily smiles can be just as powerful as a formal journal.
For example, today my three 'gratitude moments' were: sipping freshly brewed coffee, having a lane to myself during my morning swim, and the rain stopping and the sun finally coming out: nothing profound! They may well be similar most days, if nothing more spectacular happens in my life… And that's fine too.
From Anger to Thankfulness
Modern life is filled with stressors: slow broadband, delayed trains, office politics… It can be easy to find yourself clenched with rage when the day has barely begun. Our default responses range from irritation to indignation, and sometimes even public outbursts. The gratitude mindset works along similar principles to mindfulness: you observe and absorb events around you, rather than rushing straight to those immediate angry reactions.
Negative, cynical, dissatisfied, critical: recognise any of these attitudes in yourself? I do, perhaps on a daily basis! I can become impatient too quickly and criticise others too easily. This doesn't make me a bad person, but it's not a relaxing way to live. We're all prone to these cycles of negativity so try to catch yourself whenever yours start.
The primal gratitude mindset is a powerful way of pausing the habitual cycle of negative thinking. Here are a few simple mind-changers.
Rather than tweeting about the transport chaos or gridlocked traffic, why not stare out of the window at the landscape? It could be suburban back gardens, a vibrant cityscape or rolling green fields. Absorb yourself in that view.
When a partner, friend or family member irritates you, take a deep breath and think about how lucky you are to have met them. Imagine your life without them in it. Put minor niggles out of your mind and focus instead on the things that you both enjoy. Making them smile will cheer you both up.
If the queues in the sandwich shop are long, use the free time for some deep breathing. You could gaze at the different colours, textures and tastes of the food on offer. Invent new sandwich combinations in your mind. You could even strike up a conversation with the person next to you.
If things are difficult at the office, try to see the broader picture. We don't get to choose our colleagues – and workplaces can be claustrophobic – but learning to deal with others is a valuable life skill. Stay calm and stay courteous. If you feel yourself getting irritated, go for a walk at lunchtime or remove yourself from the situation. If all else fails, offer to make tea for everyone or bring in a cake – sweet things will soften even the hardest of hearts, and a kind offer can diffuse workplace tension.
Various apps can send gratitude reminders directly to your phone. They prompt you to think of a few things that you're grateful for every day, for example, and even to take pictures of them to deepen your appreciation of the moment. If you find yourself getting swept up in the rush and routine of everyday life, these can be a useful reminder to slow down and count your blessings.
Positive and Primal
Practising positivity is an essential aspect of maintaining a happy, primal mindset. Thinking and behaving positively creates a virtuous cycle which strengthens your resilience through the tough times, helps you to support others, and boosts your own well-being and success. Put simply, it's deciding to look on the bright side.
Is it really a decision? I believe it is. Optimism (or pessimism) is a choice which is entirely within your grasp. While we cannot always control what events life throws at us, we can decide how we react to them. We all know people who have suffered undeserved life traumas, illness or bereavements, and still remain sunny. Think of the stories of Holocaust survivors, or veterans of the First and Second World Wars, helping others in the same desperate situation, sharing their meagre rations, putting others first. Some of the most compassionate, altruistic people I know have endured tragedy in their lives – and their kindness has helped them and those around them to survive.
Most of us, fortunately, will never experience such horrors, but we all go through ups and downs. And when we're down, it's really worth focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel: research has shown that optimists live longer, healthier and happier lives. Some of us are naturally more upbeat, while others are more pessimistic (I can be rather Eeyorish myself) but we mustn't allow random everyday events to plunge us into melancholy. There are silver linings in every black cloud.
Accentuate the Positive
Whether it's taking a few moments for gratitude every night or telling the people close to you how much you value them, there are easy ways to boost your positivity. Like any muscle, the more you think positive, the stronger this habit becomes.
Like attracts like: adopting a positive, welcoming attitude to what you have will attract more positivity into your life.
Positivity doesn't have to be saccharine or fake; it simply means appreciating good friends, good food and good times.
Make a conscious decision to cherish the good bits (and endure the bad bits) in your life. Practise grace under pressure, whatever comes your way, and graciousness with others, whatever they do or say.
Forgiveness
As well as practising positivity, we also need to learn to forgive. No matter how positively we think and behave, no matter how carefully we plan for the future, sometimes things just go wrong.
We live in an uncertain world, at a time of global pandemics, terrorism and natural disasters. On a personal level too, life can be uncontrollable. It could be a small blip, such as a row with your boss or a minor car scrape, or it could be serious and life-changing such as divorce, bereavement or a terrible accident. There is no way to avoid the unexpected in life – but there is one skill you can master: the human, primal, simple act of forgiveness.
1. The past is the past. Whatever has happened has happened. You can't change that; you can only control how you act in the present, and how you plan for the future. Forgiveness is about cleansing the slate and moving forward. It's incredibly hard – but crucial.
2. Just do it. Sometimes you need to forgive yourself, sometimes you need to forgive others and sometimes, say in the event of a natural disaster, you don't even know who to forgive. There is still great power in the act of forgiveness, because it means letting go of fault, blame and regret.
3. Be aware of your thoughts and feelings: mindfulness is very helpful in the process of forgiveness. You won't always have control over your thoughts, but be aware of them, watch them come and go. When they're negative and painful, acknowledge this to yourself. When your feelings start to change, maybe even improve, acknowledge this too. Separate yourself from the maelstrom of emotions.
4. Success is the best revenge. If someone has hurt or mistreated you, leave it behind. Don't waste time hating them or trying to get your own back. Choose to be positive rather than negative in the face of adversity. You're not to blame for their bad behaviour, so don't dwell on it. Forget them, move on and find kinder, better people to spend your life with.
5. Accept that everyone screws up. Yes, everyone! Learning to forgive yourself and others means learning not to sweat the small stuff. Your past, my past, all our pasts are littered with mistakes – things we shouldn't have said and done and thought and bought… The only reason for dwelling on those mistakes is to learn from them. Build on your past, using those errors as stepping stones for future growth. Learning to forget can be as important as leaning to forgive.
Compare and Despair
Forgiving more is part of the primal journey – and so is comparing less. In our fast-paced, highly visual and fiercely competitive culture, we're all prone to the 'compare and despair' syndrome. We fail to appreciate our own achievements, even if we've worked damn hard for them, because there's always the next big thing: you finally get the promotion you've been working for, or the flat or car you've been saving for, but you barely appreciate it, because you're aware of still being several steps behind other people. Don't forget to stop and savour the experience: there is absolutely nothing wrong with rejoicing in your own success.
Appreciating yourself is as important as appreciating others. You can just decide, right now, to value who and what you are. Choose to challenge that hyper-critical inner voice whenever it pipes up, and to turn insecurity and envy into pride and thankfulness.
There are so many opportunities to feel grateful and proud of yourself: in the career or life goals you've achieved, the personal challenges you've overcome, or in the relationships you've created. Do you think that our primal ancestors spent their lives wracked with selfdoubt? Take a robust attitude to your own strengths and weaknesses: we all have talents and we all have shortcomings – so what?
In order to value yourself – and participate more fully in your own life – you need to give up a few bad habits:
constant comparison with others
feeling hard done by or inadequate
labelling yourself as a victim
feeling inferior or unworthy
bitching about others
criticising or blaming yourself.
Many of these habits are so deeply ingrained we don't even notice them. Researchers have found, for example, that women have an average of
30 negative body thoughts in a single day. Comparing ourselves to others, trying to 'keep up with the Joneses' is an unfortunate aspect of modern life, as is bitching about others. In reality, you don't need to attack others in order to feel better about yourself. So stop undermining other people, and stop criticising yourself.
Once again, like attracts like. When you're able to appreciate your own qualities, you'll become more able to appreciate others. Just as the gratitude mindset reminds you to count your blessings and appreciate the good in your life, it will also allow you to appreciate your own achievements and value yourself.
Gaining this inner confidence makes you more generous and tolerant towards others. Life isn't a zero-sum game: we can all have strengths and talents, and they don't need to cancel each other out. Unlike a competition or a race, there isn't just one winner.
Of course, gratitude isn't a cure-all: not everything is within your control. Sometimes you want to change a situation but you can't, and that's life. In fact, a lot of what happens will be out of your control: random events, accidents, illness, those intangibles, such as good luck and bad luck, the feelings and reactions of others… The list goes on. As Viktor Frankl, author of Man's Search for Meaning, and a Holocaust survivor, writes: 'The last of one's freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given circumstance.'
Frankl faced unimaginable horrors, far worse than anything most of us will ever encounter. His words are a reminder that, although you cannot control the situation, you can choose how you respond. Learning to adapt your attitude is essential to dealing with whatever life throws at you, and a core aspect of the primal mindset. It means finding an upside in any bad situation – and there is always an upside, no matter how desperate it feels.
Learn from Survivors
Hopefully, you're going to live a long life, full of interesting and unexpected events. In the decades ahead, it's inevitable that you'll meet a lot of different people, experience many adventures, learn many lessons… and face some adversities. The anticipation of tough times can be even more frightening than the reality: how would I cope if someone in my family died? we think, or what if I lost my job or my home?
The fact is, you will cope – we all cope. And this is where you can learn from others. Finding role models when you don't feel strong enough is essential. So many others have faced illness, heartbreak, personal calamity, life-changing accidents, and so on, and survived.
Watch the movie Touching the Void, or read Katie Piper's memoir Beautiful or A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis. Talk to older friends or your grandparents. When you reflect on how others have faced loss and dragged themselves up from rock bottom, it reminds you that you're not alone.
The Buddhist monk and mindfulness guru Andy Puddicombe has some great ideas on how to counter negative thoughts when they arise. He asks us to tune into our daily 'mind chatter' and check whether it is healthy or unkind: 'If you said the same thing to a close friend, how would you expect them to react? Likewise, if they said the same thing, or spoke in that tone of voice, to you, how would it make you feel?' (www.headspace.com)
If this daily 'mind chatter' is routinely negative, Puddicombe asks you to soften up. After all, if you wouldn't snap at a friend like that, constantly criticise or point out faults, why do it to yourself? Being able to take an outside perspective on your inner self-talk is an essential part of building a positive, constructive relationship with yourself.
Growing, Not Fixed
Whatever situation you're in right now, whoever you are and however you feel, things can change. You are growing, not fixed.
The US social psychologist Carol Dweck has formulated a theory of intelligence that she calls the 'growth mindset'. Based on her years of research into motivation, learning and personality development, she argues that individuals with a 'fixed mindset' tend to fear failure and avoid risk, whereas individuals with a 'growth mindset' are open to learning and improving. She explains:
In a fixed mindset students believe their basic abilities, their intelligence, their talents, are just fixed traits. They have a certain amount and that's that, and then their goal becomes to look smart all the time and never look dumb. In a growth mindset students understand that their talents and abilities can be developed through effort, good teaching and persistence. They don't necessarily think everyone's the same or anyone can be Einstein, but they believe everyone can get smarter if they work at it.
Dweck's theory has been a powerful educational tool, encouraging children to keep learning and pushing the boundaries, and guiding teachers on how to praise and develop pupils as they grow. Originally designed with students in mind, the growth mindset is applicable to us all. From a young age, and increasingly as we specialise through school and university subject choices, we tend to narrow down our options. Parents refer to us as the 'clever one' or the 'sporty one' and these early labels tend to stick with us.
Do you recognise any of the following statements?
I can't draw to save my life.
My brother is the brainy one in our family.
I'm fine with people one-on-one, but terrible with large groups.
I never did get the hang of maths.
I'm really unsporty, but that's OK – you can't be good at everything.
I'm just not a languages person.
Here's a revolutionary thought: what if you've changed since you were bottom of your maths class? Could your running have improved since the day you came last in the egg and spoon race in junior school? What if you're now quite good at languages, but you just haven't tried? I'm quite different to how I was at seven years old, and I bet you are too.
It's also important to separate events or 'skills' from who you are as an individual. Too often we confuse what we do with who we are; we measure our self-worth by what we achieve in the outside world. In reality, exams or promotions are only external events. Rejoice in your success, by all means, but keep it in perspective. Losing a race or failing an exam doesn't make you a failure; being good or bad at maths or languages doesn't define you as a person.
The growth mindset is deeply primal, because it's a reminder that every one of us is adaptable, resilient and full of potential. Perhaps you never got the hang of the high jump, algebraic equations or oil painting, but your daily life is full of physical agility, mathematical calculations and moments of creativity! Remember that the best predictor of success isn't past failure but determination, resilience and hard work. The growth mindset reminds you that your abilities and strengths are growing, not fixed; it gives you the confidence to try.
Stay Playful
The one thing that hasn't changed since you were a child is that you still need to play.
'The opposite of play isn't work; it's depression,' says Dr Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play. As children, play teaches us about positive and negative emotions; we learn about risktaking, trust, ambiguity, rejection, teamwork and joy. It expands our brains, it's the foundation of relationships, it increases resilience and it develops co-operation. Play can break down prejudice, hatred and intolerance. It helps us to discover more about ourselves: our creative potential, our imagination, our fear and courage.
And it's not just for the young: humans (and primates) go on playing throughout life. Play is necessary for the healthy adult functioning of both body and soul. The benefits of physical exercise are well documented, so playing active games will also bring you the same benefits: it strengthens the heart, stimulates endorphins, improves sleep, and burns off the hormones, sugars and fats released in the bloodstream as a result of stress.
Play also strengthens our cognitive and psychological well-being. There is increasing evidence that intellectually stimulating activities, such as crosswords and Sudoku, can lower the risk of developing dementia and Alzheimer's disease. Intellectual games exercise the mind, just as physical games exercise the body. The researcher Cale Magnuson of the University of Illinois explains: 'To not play puts an individual at risk for many detrimental aging processes.' A lack of physical and mental activity increases the likelihood of developing chronic conditions including diabetes, cancers, obesity and stroke. Play is also beneficial for relationships: having fun together keeps couples emotionally and physically close. Just as with children, recreation, team sports and organised events among adults help to forge community cohesion and build strong social networks.
Without the playful impulse we would have no games, no films, no fashion, no flirtation, no music festivals, no fiction, no sport and no fantasy. Brown calls play 'one of the most advanced methods nature has invented to allow a complex brain to create itself'. If we don't play, we miss out on a positive outlet for negative emotions and daily frustrations. Whether it's meeting a friend for a game of squash, challenging yourself to try a dance class, experimenting with watercolours or writing a short story, give yourself the opportunity to be playful. Be creative, be adventurous and have fun: a life without play isn't worth living.
The Importance of Doing Nothing
As we've seen, play is essential on many levels: physical, psychological and social. Developmental psychologists emphasise the importance of free, unstructured playtime for children in encouraging them to use their imaginations and build creativity. Similarly, adults benefit from unstructured time when we're not doing anything in particular. This kind of aimless downtime allows your mind to wander and your brain to recharge. Indeed, boredom can be a positive experience, motivating us to change the status quo by throwing in a tedious job or relationship, selling up to go travelling or making a fresh start. Without that sense of ennui, we might never realise that life could be different.
Don't over-schedule your life: remember that those resting periods are often the ones when you come up with great ideas or solutions to niggling problems. Think of Archimedes in his bath or Newton under the apple tree and reclaim your right to be idle. Pondering, wandering and daydreaming are positive and primal.
Bend, Don't Break
Just as you keep your body agile and your mind active, you need to keep your attitude flexible. It's unsettling to acknowledge this but nothing in life is guaranteed: not your job, your relationship or your health. Imagine you're made redundant, your partner walks out and you get diagnosed with an incurable disease: what are you going to do? A weak person might simply lie down and give up.
Well, not really. None of us do that – because we're stronger, in the end, than we give ourselves credit for. Human beings, even the least likely among us, have an amazing capacity to just keep going. I remember my grandmother, who used to moan and grumble at the slightest daily inconvenience, being transformed during the final months of her life. She battled cancer with courage and grace: through the worst pain, I never once heard her complain. In the most extreme circumstances, even when dying, humans find this inner fortitude to draw upon. Our positive, primal strength cannot keep us alive forever, but it gives us the bravery to face whatever happens.
With flexibility comes resilience. When life doesn't go the way you plan, not only do you need to adjust your mindset, but you also need to be strong. This is otherwise known as 'bloody-mindedness' – the all-important decision that, whatever happens, you are not going to let this destroy you.
Sometimes, as in Jessica's case, we don't even realise how resilient we are.
Jessica, 45: Three years ago my husband told me he was gay and left me for another man. My entire world collapsed – honestly, I was living in some kind of nightmare. Because of having two young children, though, I didn't collapse – I suppose I couldn't. The first 12 months were a blur; I was just looking after the children, feeding them and getting them to school and going to work, doing the shopping, in this fog of pain. I was just putting one foot in front of the other – and in the end, that got me through.
During a crisis, focus on the essentials, and don't worry if standards slip. So you've fed the kids pasta for three nights in a row, the house is a mess, you haven't ironed your shirt for work and your roots need doing… So what? Keeping it primal is about working out what really matters: in Jessica's case, her marriage was imploding but the children were safe and fed. In tough times, adopting this primal mindset is incredibly helpful: ask yourself, what really matters right now? Work out what this is – your health, paying the rent, staying sane – and leave the rest to take care of itself.
Bravery
Jessica didn't have a choice in the collapse of her marriage, but she had a choice in her response. Although it probably didn't feel like it at the time, her decision to carry on shopping, working, mothering and breathing was brave.
Bravery was a pre-requisite of primal survival: for cavemen and women it was a matter of life and death. The risks you face are different to those Palaeolithic perils – more social and reputational risks, less physical danger – but bravery is still bravery, whether it takes the form of confronting a herd of wildebeest or standing up in front of a roomful of colleagues. You are courageous every time you do something which scares you, challenges you or makes you doubt your own ability to cope.
Primal man did not have a choice about risking life and limb to survive. It's worth reminding yourself that in most situations you do have a choice. However, if you consistently choose not to risk anything, life will be pretty boring. You can risk your pride and your reputation – or you can just stay home in your onesie and never do anything brave. It's up to you.
How to Strengthen Your Primal Backbone
Accept that fear is part of life (everyone feels it).
Reframe threats as challenges, opportunities to grow. You're not scared; you're excited.
The perfectionist mindset is exceedingly self-limiting. If you never make mistakes, you will never learn. Embrace failure as an opportunity to improve.
Count down. When I get super-nervous about a forthcoming event, I tell myself: 'In 24 hours this will be over.'