CONTENTS
COVER
ABOUT THE BOOK
TITLE PAGE
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
ACT 1 PROLOGUE
ACT 1, SCENE 1
ACT 1, SCENE 2
ACT 1, SCENE 3
ACT 1, SCENE 4
ACT 1, SCENE 5
ACT 2 PROLOGUE
ACT 2, SCENE 1
ACT 2, SCENE 2
ACT 2, SCENE 3
ACT 2, SCENE 4
ACT 2, SCENE 5
ACT 2, SCENE 6
ACT 3, SCENE 1
ACT 3, SCENE 2
ACT 3, SCENE 3
ACT 3, SCENE 4
ACT 3, SCENE 5
ACT 4, SCENE 1
ACT 4, SCENE 2
ACT 4, SCENE 3
ACT 4, SCENE 4
ACT 4, SCENE 5
ACT 5, SCENE 1
ACT 5, SCENE 2
ACT 5, SCENE 3
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
COPYRIGHT
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
CAPULETS
JULIET | thirteen-year-old girl; only child of the family. Yes, thirteen. Shakespeare wants us to remember it |
CAPULET | her dad |
LADY CAPULET | her mum (age: mid twenties; younger than dad, we can assume) |
NURSE | formerly wet nurse, now personal attendant. Talkative |
TYBALT | Juliet’s cousin. Not talkative. Particularly after Romeo runs a sword through him |
MONTAGUES
ROMEO | only son. Age indeterminate, probably sixteen. The heir |
MONTAGUE | Romeo’s dad; doddery |
LADY MONTAGUE | Romeo’s mum – not that you’d know it from the attention he pays her |
BENVOLIO | Romeo’s cousin (what’s the Italian for ‘wimp’?) |
BALTHASAR | Romeo’s ‘man’. A useful dolt |
THE PRINCE AND HIS ENTOURAGE
PRINCE ESCALUS | Verona’s Mr Big. Rarely picks up the right end of the stick |
MERCUTIO | Friend to all and anyone, except when swords are drawn |
PARIS | Young, feeble, unlucky |
THE REST
FRIAR LAWRENCE | Busybody |
FRIAR JOHN | A less busy body |
SAMPSON, GREGORY, ABRAM | Unimportant servants |
MUSICIANS | |
APOTHECARY | |
CAPTAIN OF THE WATCH |
ACT 1
PROLOGUE
CHORUS
Two households at war in fair Verona;
The reckless Romeo takes for his wife
Wan Juliet whose father doth disown her;
A pair of star-cross’d lovers22 take their life.
Hear this sonnet as a warning précis
Of a tale that shall become quite racy.
ACT 1, SCENE 1
Verona, a public place
SAMPSON
See here the knob upon this door. Is’t not the largest knob thou ever saw?
GREGORY
Haven’t you got anything better to do than tell knob gags?33
SAMPSON
’Fraid not, old boy. ’Tis only our masters who may talk in verse and so let’s play this scene for banter.44
GREGORY
Then may we turn some maidens’ heads or take their maidenheads.55
SAMPSON
That’s terrible.
GREGORY
It’s better than anything a Montague would come up with. Talking of which, here comes foul Abram.
Enter Abram
ABRAM
Are you looking at me?66
SAMPSON
Are you looking at me?
ABRAM
Do you want to make something of it?77
They fight. Enter Benvolio
BENVOLIO
Put up your swords, you know not what you do.
Enter Tybalt
TYBALT
If there’s a fight then I will to the fray.
BENVOLIO
Calm down, dear sir, it’s powder puffs at dawn.
TYBALT:
Don’t talk of peace, you’re spoiling all the fun.
Without blood spilt, true meaning have I none.
They fight. Enter Capulet and Montague
CAPULET
Give me a crutch, I’ll beat thee to a pulp.
MONTAGUE
I’d run thee through were not my knee so crook.
Enter Prince Escalus
PRINCE
Cease, I say, cantankerous old fools,
Thy deeds have made our streets a no-go zone.
No more shall Montagues and Capulets
Enact their West Side Story, Sharks and Jets,
Or else shall pay the forfeit of the peace.88
BENVOLIO
Methinks the prince doth have a valid point,
For as my name suggests, I’m naught but fair.
LADY MONTAGUE
O, where is Romeo? Saw you him today?99
BENVOLIO
Early this morn when I did walk abroad
I saw your son, but he did see me first
And he did leg it deep into the wood.
MONTAGUE
’Tis true he hath not been himself of late;
He stays awake at night and sleeps till noon,
Behaviour much like any teenager.1010
BENVOLIO
Leave it with me, I’ll find out what’s amiss.
Enter Romeo
BENVOLIO
Good morrow, cousin.1111
ROMEO
Is that really the time?
BENVOLIO
What ails thee so that hours feel like days?
ROMEO
What further mooning must I do to prove
The sun it shineth not upon my love?
O hateful love, my love doth not requite
And makes me talk in rhyming opposites.1212
BENVOLIO
What maid is this who breaks your heart in twain?
ROMEO
Alas I cannot bear to say her name,
To do so would my lust further inflame.1313
Marry, Ben Vee, she doth refuse to wed;
No mini-mes to grace the marriage bed.
ACT 1, SCENE 2
Outside Capulet’s mansion
PARIS
But now, my lord, what say you to my suit?
CAPULET
I would point out my girl is still thirteen,
Which e’en for Italy is still quite young.
PARIS
Come off it, sire, she’s getting on a bit.
CAPULET
Then woo her, Paris, if thy love is strong,
But don’t forget she is my only child,
And if she loves thee not then let her be.
Now I must attend to party planning;
My servant must make haste to tell the guests.
He hands invitations to his servant and leaves with Paris
SERVANT
How many times do I have to tell the old fool that
I can’t read?1414
Enter Benvolio and Romeo
BENVOLIO
I’ve full had my fill of lovesick gurning,
There’s babes aplenty to indulge thy yearning.
ROMEO
Thou underestimates how truly deep
My depths are; deep so much I cannot sleep.
He takes a letter from the servant
‘The Capulets invite you to their do,
There to meet my lady wife and daughter,
Not to forget my niece, fair Rosaline.’
Sounds great: tell me how to RSVP.
SERVANT
Just turn up at the Capulets’ at about six.1515 As long as you’re not a Montague, there won’t be any bother.
BENVOLIO
At last we’ll get to see your Rosaline,
Whom thou lovest so much, thou dost not name.
I’ll wager if thou join me at this bash
You’ll meet some gorgeous babes who are more hot.
ROMEO
Once again thou dost assume me callow;
I’ll come with thee: you’ll not find me shallow.
ACT 1, SCENE 3
A room in Capulet’s mansion
LADY CAPULET
Nurse, where’s my daughter? Call her forth to me.
NURSE
I do remember that I was but twelve
When I help’d you give birth to Juliet.1616
Enter Juliet
JULIET
Madam, I am here. Can you explain
Why my name endeth not upon an A,
Like other Giuliettas that I know?1717
LADY CAPULET
Think not to ask such unhelpful questions;
Instead allow your thoughts to turn to love.
NURSE
Often I think upon my long-dead Susan,
Yet rejoice your Juliet still doth breathe.
Do you remember how your husband laughed
About her having sex when she was six?1818
LADY CAPULET
Speak no more, that soundeth much too pervy,
Though marry,1919 ‘marry’ is the very theme
I came to talk of. Tell me, Juliet,
How do you feel about becoming wed?
JULIET
To tell the truth, I think myself too young.
LADY CAPULET
Well, think again; others younger than you
Are married every day within this town;2020
The danger is you end up on the shelf.
Tonight look well on Paris: he has cash,
But wealth aside, he’s also really hot;
Some say he doth possess the firmest bot.
JULIET
If it’s your will, upon him I will look,
And if I like the likeness I shall act.
ACT 1, SCENE 4
A street outside Capulet’s mansion
ROMEO
I do not feel like going out tonight,
So being heavy, I shall bear the light.
MERCUTIO
O dearest friend, you can be such a drag,
If can’t be fun at least be less profound;
These opposites are getting on my nerves.
ROMEO
If I be too moody for thine own mood
Then go alone; I do not want to dance.
MERCUTIO
If love be rough with you, be rough with love,
Prick love for pricking and you beat love down.2121
ROMEO
You will not win me round by talk of pricks,
My heart is set upon my killing joy.
You hold your prick; I shall hold the candle.
MERCUTIO
O now I see Queen Mab hath been with you;
She weaves her spider’s web inside your dreams.2222
Her worm doth eat away at happiness,
Thy serotonin levels record low.
I could and will go on at greater length,
Indulge me in this feat of imagery.
ROMEO
I beg you stop, my ears they start to bleed.
MERCUTIO
I can’t, I won’t, my verse is on a roll,
For dreams are naught but idle fantasies.2323
ROMEO
OK, OK, I hear you, my good friend!
I’ll come with you unto the bitter end
Of this night’s revels. You go forth in mirth,
I with vile visions of my death foretold.
ACT 1, SCENE 5
Great hall in Capulet’s mansion
CAPULET
Welcome one and welcome all! Have a drink,
And do not cease your dancing ere the dawn.
ROMEO
What lady’s that, which stands beside the wall?
Her beauty glows and holds me in its thrall.
My eyes forget the ugly Rosaline,2424
I shall not sleep until this girl is mine.2525
TYBALT
This, by his voice, sounds like a Montague;