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First published by Michael Joseph 1993
Published in Penguin Books 1994
Reissued in this edition 2016
Copyright © Spike Milligan Productions Ltd, 1993
The moral right of the copyright holders has been asserted
Cover design by Norma Farnes
Illustration: ‘Moses on the Mount’, Exodus xxiv.18 (19th century engraving) © Look and Learn / Bridgeman Images
ISBN: 978-0-241-97857-3
CHAPTER I
CHAPTER II
CHAPTER III
CHAPTER IV
CHAPTER V
CHAPTER VI
CHAPTER VII
CHAPTER VIII
CHAPTER IX
CHAPTER X
CHAPTER XI
CHAPTER XII
CHAPTER XIII
CHAPTER XIV
CHAPTER XV
FOLLOW PENGUIN
In the beginning god created the heaven and the earth.
2. And darkness was upon the face of the deep; this was due to a malfunction at Lots Road Power Station.
3. And God said, Let there be light; and there was light, but Eastern Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
4. And God saw the light and it was good; He saw the quarterly bill and that was not good.
5. And God called the light Day, and the darkness He called Night, and so passed His GCSE.
6. And God said, Let there be a firmament and God called the firmament heaven, Freephone 999.
7. And God said, Let the waters be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear, and in London it went on the market at six hundred pounds a square foot.
8. And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it.
9. And God said, Let there be lights in heaven to give light to the earth, and it was so, except over England where there was heavy cloud and snow on high ground.
10. And God said, Let the seas bring forth that that hath life, flooding the market with fish fingers, fishburgers and grade-three salmon.
11. And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, multiply, and fill the sea, and let fowl multiply on earth where Prince Charles and Prince Philip would shoot them.
12. And God said, Let the earth bring forth cattle and creeping things, and there came cows, and the BBC Board of Governors.
13. And God said, Let us make man in our own image, but woe many came out like Spitting Image.
14. And He said, Let man have dominion over fish, fowl, cattle and every creepy thing that creepeth upon the earth.
15. And God said, Behold, I have given you the first of free yielding seed, to you this shall be meat, but to the EC it will be a Beef Mountain.
On the seventh day god ended his work, but Datsun of Coventry workers went on to time and a half, and God rested from all His work with complete backing from Arthur Scargill and the miners.
2. God blessed the seventh day, as did all the Pakistani corner shops.
3. Every plant, every herb was in earth for the Good Lord had not caused it to rain; because of this Bob Geldof had to raise fifty million quid with Live Aid.
4. And the Lord formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; it was done privately and not on the National Health.
5. The Lord planted a Garden in Eden and there He put the man He had formed, and He sold the idea to the BBC as Gardeners’ World.
6. And out of the ground the Lord grew every tree that was pleasant to the sight, but He had not reckoned on the weather forecast from Michael Fish, and they were all blown down in the hurricane.
7. And the Lord took man and put him in the Garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it, subject to compulsory purchase by Brent Council.
8. The Lord God said of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat, but He was apprehended at the check-out and forced to pay.
9. But of the tree of knowledge, thou shalt not eatest, or thou shall surely die, due to crop-spraying with DDT.
10. And the Lord said, it is not good that man should be alone. He caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, which the shop steward penalised him for during working hours, deducting a day’s pay. The Lord took one of Adam’s ribs, and made a woman and brought her unto the man, which immediately qualified for common law wife allowance.
11. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. However, at Bow Street they were charged with indecency.