reading

Printed in the United States of America.

For information address Major House Publisher, 240 N. Denton Tap Rd PMB #112, Coppell, TX 75019

www.laffertyjohnson.com

Library of Congress Control Number: 2008904643

ISBN 978-0-9678066-0-0

ISBN 978-0-9678066-1-7 (e-book)

Major House Publisher is an imprint of PJ Press.

To all the Big D!cks we admire,

To all the Big D!ck Wannabes

who keep the game interesting,

But mostly, to all the Big D!ck Contest Survivors

who win some, lose some, and keep on playing

because they know we really don’t have a choice.

Table of Contents

Author Confession: Recognizing The Big D!ck Contest

Exposing The Big D!ck Contest Myths

Exposing The Big D!ck Contest Players

Oblivious Players

Indifferent Players

Team Players

Big D!ck Jock Straps

Little Pricks

Big D!ck Bullies

Big D!ck Maestros

Big D!cks In Small Ponds

Meritorious Big D!cks

Mother Nature: The Biggest D!ck of All

Exposing The Big D!ck Contest Plays

Pucker-Up

Cover Your Ass

Secret Keeping

Give a Little Rope

Fly Under the Radar

Living in Switzerland

The Bus

Exposing The Big D!ck Contests

1) The Big D!ck Contest of Advertising

2) The Big D!ck Contest of America

3) The Big D!ck Contest of Babies

4) The Big D!ck Contest of Bad Behavior

5) The Big D!ck Contest of Beauty Pageants

6) The Big D!ck Contest of Big D!cks & Bigger Boobs

7) The Big D!ck Contest of Books

8) The Big D!ck Contest of Brains

9) The Big D!ck Contest of Brothers & Sisters

10) The Big D!ck Contest of Celebrations

11) The Big D!ck Contest of Celebrity & Entertainment

12) Big D!ck Contest of Change Me

13) The Big D!ck Contest of Class Reunions

14) The Big D!ck Contest of Collections

15) The Big D!ck Contest of Conscience

16) The Big D!ck Contest of Corporate Cults

17) The Big D!ck Contest of Credit Scores

18) The Big D!ck Contest of Dares

19) The Big D!ck Contest of Death

20) The Big D!ck Contest of Electronics, Games & Gadgets

21) The Big D!ck Contest of Fear of Failure

22) The Big D!ck Contest of Follies

23) The Big D!ck Contest of Food

24) The Big D!ck Contest of Gambling

25) The Big D!ck Contest of Gardening

26) The Big D!ck Contest of Gatekeepers

27) The Big D!ck Contest of Geography

28) The Big D!ck Contest of God

29) The Big D!ck Contest of Good Deeds

30) The Big D!ck Contest of Government Gangs

31) The Big D!ck Contest of Guns & Hunting

32) The Big D!ck Contest of Health

33) The Big D!ck Contest of High Maintenance People

34) The Big D!ck Contest of Holiday Hoopla

35) The Big D!ck Contest of Homes

36) The Big D!ck Contest of Improve Me

37) The Big D!ck Contest of Inheritances

38) The Big D!ck Contest of the Internet

39) The Big D!ck Contest of Lawyers, Judges & Settlements

40) The Big D!ck Contest of Marriage

41) The Big D!ck Contest of Memberships

42) The Big D!ck Contest of Military Might

43) The Big D!ck Contest of Miserable Me

44) The Big D!ck Contest of Money

45) The Big D!ck Contest of Mother Nature

46) The Big D!ck Contest of Moving Toys

47) The Big D!ck Contest of Pampered Pets

48) The Big D!ck Contest of Parenthood

49) The Big D!ck Contest of Patriotism

50) The Big D!ck Contest of Personal Spin

51) The Big D!ck Contest of Politics

52) The Big D!ck Contest of Public Opinion

53) The Big D!ck Contest of Romance

54) The Big D!ck Contest of Self-Employed Surprises

55) The Big D!ck Contest of Small Business Nepotism

56) The Big D!ck Contest of Small Things

57) The Big D!ck Contest of Social Change

58) The Big D!ck Contest of Sports

59) The Big D!ck Contest of Splitsville

60) The Big D!ck Contest of Stereotypes

61) The Big D!ck Contest of Style

62) The Big D!ck Contest of Teams

63) The Big D!ck Contest of Trends and Fads

64) The Big D!ck Contest of Vacations

65) The Big D!ck Contest of Wall Street

66) The Big D!ck Contest of Whistle Blowers

67) The Big D!ck Contest of Who Knows the Most

68) The Big D!ck Contest of Who You Know

69) The Big D!ck Contest of Who's Right, Who's Wrong & Does It Really Matter

Exposing the Ups & Downs and Ins & Outs of Playing the D!ck Contest

Author Confession:
Recognizing The Big D!ck Contest

Once upon a time, I was an idealist. I believed, "Work hard, do the right thing, and live the American Dream." But then reality rained on my parade, and I could no longer ignore that living the American Dream is only about one thing: Playing The Big D!ck Contest.

The Big D!ck Contest is the relentless game of who has the most, the best, the fastest, the biggest, and the newest. It's also the game of who does and doesn't get to do it "their way," and who wins or loses. It's the game of being number one. The game of entitlement. The game of favoritism. It's the game of those who kiss up, and those who get kissed. It's the game of who has the actual or perceived power at the moment.

Who plays The Big D!ck Contest? Everyone. And I mean everyone, including those we may not suspect. If you've been in a house with a screaming baby, you know that everyone in that house will do whatever they can to calm the little tyke down. It's not that the baby intentionally played The Big D!ck Contest. But the person or circumstance that controls the actions of others at any given moment automatically wins that moment's Big D!ck Contest.

And no, it's not only a game for the yang gender. The Big D!ck Contest doesn't discriminate against sex, age, race, religion, ZIP Code, degree, or job title. It's equal opportunity.

Most of us believe that when we win a Big D!ck Contest we'll be happy or at least happier. These wins usually make us happy for at least a couple of minutes. After all, The Big D!ck Contest is most often about instant gratification.

But if you believe that you can win every Big D!ck Contest – well, you're delusional and I can't help you. There are too many contests and too many players, which means too many Big D!ck Wannabes trying to win Big D!ck Titles. The best that the majority of us can ever do (even the biggest D!cks) is win a Big D!ck Contest here and there. But the moment anyone wins a Big D!ck Title, someone else will try to take that title away. And eventually someone will succeed.

I know, you think, "If only I were one of those business tycoons, movie stars, or politicians, my d!ck would be so big that no one could ever take it away." Not true. Even those people co-exist with spouses, kids, investors, lobbyists, constituents, and the paparazzi – all of whom can deflate a Big D!ck.

You can be a Big D!ck one moment, lose the title the next, and then gain it back in a nanosecond. It's like a football game. Even when you play defense, you can intercept a pass and score a touchdown. It's always possible for the game to change at any minute.

No one really explains to us the ins and outs of The Big D!ck Contest. It's politely described as, "Keeping Up With the Joneses," "The Rat Race," "Being Top Dog or Alpha Male," or simply "Mine's Bigger Than Yours." And the politically correct descriptions of The Big D!ck Contest don't do it justice. It's a cruel, harsh, and never-ending game.

Sometimes we're a contestant and we don't even realize it. More often than not, we're just a supporting cast member in someone else's quest for a Big D!ck Title. Some days we just want to compete with the other Big D!cks for the fun of it. And occasionally we just want to have a Big D!ck for the sake of having it – even if it’s just for a fleeting moment.

If I'd understood the game sooner, I'm not sure what size my d!ck could be by now. But at least I'd have been better prepared to play a game that, like it or not, I was going to be stuck playing until I died.

This book is not about how to win The Big D!ck Contest. Instead, The Big D!ck Contest: Exposed simply exposes The Big D!ck Contest. What you do with this knowledge is entirely up to you.

Exposing The Big D!ck Contest Myths

It's natural to make assumptions about The Big D!ck Contest: only men play, we don't have to play, or having a Big D!ck makes us happy. But these assumptions are all wrong. So, to expose the truth about The Big D!ck Contest, first we need to expose the myths.

The Big D!ck Contest sounds crude, can I call it something else?

Not really. The Big D!ck Contest can be a harsh, crude, and cruel game. The watered- downed, politically correct names like "Keeping Up With the Joneses," "The Rat Race," or "Being the Top Dog," simply minimize the reality of the game. But for the sake of brevity, and to provide a politically correct conversation alternative, The Big D!ck Contest will also be referred to as "The BDC."

Why do we play The Big D!ck Contest?

Power. We want or need to show someone, or everyone, that ours is bigger than theirs, and that we are special, at least for that moment.

Do only men play The Big D!ck Contest?

No. Women play – and win – The Big D!ck Contest, too.

Where do we play The Big D!ck Contest?

Where do we not play The Big D!ck Contest? Every time we interact with a person, place, or thing, we're in a BDC venue.

Can I win The Big D!ck Contest?

Kinda, sorta, depends on what you call winning.

Will winning The Big D!ck Contest make me happy?

Are you awake? Does winning anything make you happy for more than five minutes?

What are the rules of The Big D!ck Contest?

The rules are made on the whims of the Big D!cks for the benefit of the Big D!cks.

Is it bad to have a Big D!ck?

It depends on how you become a Big D!ck, what type of Big D!ck you want to be, and what you do once you have one.

What if my d!ck is too small?

Everyone can have a d!ck that's too small. You have three choices: grow it, protect it, or accept defeat.

What's the difference between a Big D!ck and a Little Prick?

The Big D!cks get Little Pricks to do their dirty work.

How do I quit playing The Big D!ck Contest?

Try moving to a deserted island and living alone. But even then you just get stuck playing The BDC with Mother Nature. So, no, you really can't quit playing The Big D!ck Contest until you die. And, often, after you're dead, other people will continue to play it on your behalf, in your name, or over your stuff.

Exposing The Big D!ck Contest Players