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Advance Praise for Your Family Matters

“Making parental decisions is not easy and now with everything that our children are exposed to and the stress and challenges facing parents today, it is good to have resources like Dr. Kanner’s book. YOUR FAMILY MATTERS is a full-range, no-subject-off-limits kind of resource on parental decision making.” ~ Larry King, Host of Larry King Live

“The challenges of parenting have changed dramatically from what I refer to as the “great generation” There are so many more distractions for our children between cyberspace activity and virtual reality that parents today have a bigger challenge in preparing their children to be active participants in society. It is so encouraging to see all of the proven and very current tools Dr. Keith Kanner provides for parents with children of all ages.” ~ Jenny Craig

“In our effort to support our children grow their self esteem and become engaged members of their communities, we rely on solid, practical and professional advice from highly regarded experts. Dr. Kanner definitely tops that list. Your Family Matters is a comprehensive parenting resource covering a wide range of topics that are both timely and timeless. It’s the How To encyclopedia of common parental dilemmas.” ~ Joani Wafer, Co-Founder and CEO, Kids Korps USA

“Dr. Kanner has tackled some of the most difficult issues facing parents and children with clear and concise answers The FAQ’s section at the end of each chapter helps personalize the information for your child. This book should be part of every parent’s library.”

~Dr. Stuart Rubenstein

YOUR FAMILY MATTERS

The Practical Parenting Guide

For Everyday Challenges

Dr. Keith Kanner

Love Your Life Publishing

Your Family Matters @2011 by Dr. Keith Kanner

Love Your Life Publishing, Inc

7127 Mexico Road Suite 121

Saint Peters, MO 63376

www.LoveYourLifePublishing.com

publisher@LoveYourLifePublishing.com

ISBN: 9781934509418

Library of Congress Control Number: 2010935078

Cover Design by: www.MonkeyCMedia.com

Internal Design: www.Cyanotype.ca

First Printing: 2011

Author Contact:www.Kanner.tv

Contents

Acknowledgements

Foreword by John Assaraf

Introduction

Me First? Kids First?

Chapter 1

Signs of Kid Burnout

Chapter 2

Socialization and Children

Chapter 3

Saying “No” to Your Children

Chapter 4

Should Parent’s Lie to Their Children?

Chapter 5

Why Habits Are Hard To Break

Chapter 6

Why Moms Get Dumped By Their Children

Chapter 7

Raising Children’s Self-Esteem

Chapter 8

Warning Signs

Chapter 9

The Significance of Play

Chapter 10

Transitional Objects

Chapter 11

The Dad Toy

Chapter 12

The Effects of Violent Media on Real-Life Violence

Chapter 13

Preparing Siblings for a New Baby

Chapter 14

Profanity and Children

Chapter 15

Change that “Tude”

Chapter 16

Avoiding Babysitter Nightmares

Chapter 17

Assigning Chores

Chapter 18

Fielding Questions from Your Children

Chapter 19

Avoiding Paternal Postpartum Depression

for First-Time Fathers

Chapter 20

Dress-Up and Role-Playing Development

Chapter 21

Developing Study Skills

Chapter 22

Helping Children Get Back Into School

Holiday Daze & Summer Slump

Chapter 23

Grandma’s House

Chapter 24

Children and Divorce

Chapter 25

The Importance of Family Dinners

Chapter 26

Parental Intrusiveness

Chapter 27

Getting and Keeping Children in Sports

Conclusion

Listen, Look, Respond

About Dr. Kanner

Dedication

To my parents, Edwin and Penny Kanner: I was blessed to be brought up by two highly educated professionals who were also equally devoted to their families. They were the impetus for making my family so important to me as well as for pursuing my professional passion. They were great role models on how to balance being a professional and a parent very early in my life.

To my children, Kassidy, Christopher, and Zackary, who are the best teachers of how to be a great father. They make me want to be the best father I can be. I wish for each of them to aspire towards picking a profession that they have a passion for and always making their families come first.

Acknowledgments

Where I am in my career as well as the accomplishment of this book could not have happened without the love and support of many people. To all my friends and colleagues for their unconditional encouragement, I wish I could list all of you!

To Richard Doutre Jones from Fox and XETV for being a visionary mentor. Richard’s consistent belief and support of me and how I help people was the driving force for getting me where I am today in terms of the media aspect of my profession. Developing and building the brand of Your Family Matters into two shows, which led to awards and a national audience, Richard continues to be a driving force behind my wish to help as many people as I can better understand and raise their children to be happier and healthier.

To Cindy Ford for being my agent and believing in me from the very beginning. Cindy supported and encouraged me to bring my book and my brand to the national media platform. With her guidance Your Family Matters will continue to make its mark on the television, internet, and radio marketplace.

To Monkey C Media for the creative design talents they brought to the book cover and the website, www.kanner.tv

To Paul Menard, my radio guru and executive producer for Your Family Matters with Dr. Keith Kanner radio show sponsored by Sylvan Learning. Paul inspires me to continually bring new ideas to the show.

To Dr. Calvin Colarusso, my colleague, confidant and Yoda. Cal encouraged me to use my skills to convert developmental and psychoanalytic theory into a medium that is easily understood by the general public so they can use it to better their lives and the lives of their families.

To Lee Sorenson and Sylvan Learning for being a great National Sponsor.

To Dr. Alan Sugarman and my colleagues at both the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society & Institute as well as my fellow Professors in the Department of Psychiatry at U.C. San Diego who are essential in continuing to educate young doctors and clinicians in helping children, adolescents, and parents live healthier and happier lives through education and treatment.

To John Assaraf for his friendship, support and encouragement. I am looking forward to collaborating with him on future books including My Father, The Jewish Mother.

Foreword by John Assaraf

As a parent of two vibrant, healthy, and strong-minded boys aged 13 and 14, I pride myself on being a great dad. That of course is my ego wanting to be a great dad. The truth is my intentions and my reality sometimes don't match up. We all have hopes and dreams of being great parents, however many of us are learning how to parent by trial and error.

For many years I thought that because I was a boy once (still am at heart) it would be easy for me to understand what my kids were thinking, experiencing, and going through. Although that may be the case in a few areas, their willingness to allow me into their world wasn't as easy as I had hoped. I thought I understood their emotions, feeling, desires, fears and insecurities. I didn't.

What they are experiencing is and isn't what you or I went through. Mother Nature and genetics have a way of mixing and matching the characteristics, likes, dislikes, features, attitudes and propensities in so many ways, we are really shooting in the dark thinking we know our kids and how to navigate the parenting waters. From the discussions I have with my friends, this situation is not only normal it seems to be the norm in varying degrees for all of us who truly want to be wonderful, loving parents.

Several years ago I was at a total loss as to how to understand what one of my son's was experiencing and expressing. The harder I tried to do what I thought was right, the worse off I made the situation. For a short period of time, my heart was saddened and my attitude weakened thinking I was failing my child.

I tried everything I thought would work, however I just didn't try everything there was to try because I didn't know what I didn't know. I think many of us parents follow our hearts and our own experiences thinking we are doing our best. Sometimes the best we know isn't good enough.

In my book, The Answer, I talk about the importance of seeking out help for areas where you don’t yet know you need help. How is that possible if you don’t know you need it? Simple: you assume you don’t know and you reach out to professionals who have more experience in those areas and can provide you with resources you might not have access to otherwise. If you want to achieve anything greater in your life than your current circumstances, whether it is being an exceptional parent or extraordinary business leader, you need to acquire more knowledge and improve your ability to ask for help.

When I applied this same concept to my own situation, I knew it was time to seek out the help of someone highly skilled in the psychology of parenting. That's when I met Dr. Keith Kanner. A friend recommended I seek out his council and thank GOD I listened. I set aside my know-it-all-attitude and put on my learn-it-all-attitude and began a quest to learn how to understand my son's thoughts, feelings and attitude. After several private sessions with Dr. Kanner and several with my son together, we both started to understand each other’s vantage point and we learned skills to communicate at a level we didn't have before. It was truly wonderful to learn a new set of tools to simplify my father-son relationship.

As I reviewed the content within this book, I quickly realized again that I have so much to learn and I needn't go far for the tools and answers. They are all here now. This book contains within it the passage to freedom, peace, and love with your child. As you know, application of the right information in the right order is a surefire way to succeed in any area of life.

This book has within it pearls of wisdom, tools, tactics, and specific knowledge that will transform your life with your kids forever.

Parenting is like every one of life's wonderful gifts: it provides us the opportunity to grow and learn from those who play at the things we have to work at. This book will help you play at parenting and show you the path to being a great role model to your kids. The rewards, as you can imagine, are priceless.

I wish you all the joys that only being a parent can offer.

John Assaraf,

New York Times Bestselling Author, The Answer and Having It All.

Featured in the blockbuster movie and book The Secret.

CEO, OneCoach.

Introduction

Me First? Kids First?

At the time of this writing, we are experiencing a significant paradox. While we are living in the “Me” generation, implicit in “taking care of oneself first”, many of our children are suffering. We have all heard the common adage, “You can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself first.” True, but this concept has been taken out of context and it has led to declines in both children’s mental health and increases in selfish thinking.

Many viewers of my television show have contacted me with grave concerns about how good parenting has fallen due to increases in both personal and materialistic thinking over the past ten years. Sociologists and social psychologists have taught us that changing societal standards trickle down to generational shifts in terms of how certain rules and laws perpetuate standards. Common routines and social influences follow in step, including family values. Exercise programs, crash dieting, makeovers, and other “me-related” advents have replaced the emphasis on families and the children and parents’ need to make the investment into their children before anything else.

What happened to the age-old concept that children SHOULD come first? Decades of research have documented the importance of a parent’s investment in their children’s lives with proven data showing that the parents who are the most invested in their children, especially during infancy through the grade school years, tend to produce the healthiest offspring. I have always found it amazing that even on airplanes we are told “If there is a loss of cabin pressure, put your oxygen mask on before your child’s.” Almost every invested parent I know would focus on calming their child down and attending to them first before worrying about themselves. One mother told me it would be the same if her child was drowning in a pool — you hold your breath, jump in, and save your child — it’s a no-brainer. But is it? For some parents perhaps it is, but not for all.

As with any society, there are a multitude of influences and new trends challenging common sense and even good parenting. I agree with the concept that people need to take good care of themselves, but if you don’t put your children before anything else in your life, you fail them and you fail yourself. Unlike other animals, the human infant is completely dependent upon their caregivers for survival; the essence of parenting and protection should not stop until the child has been able to take over those parental functions independently. Typically this does not happen until the child leaves home for college or work, and even then parents are still needed.

So, how does one integrate societal shifts and maintain optimal parenting to assure that the welfare of their child is not compromised?

1. Kids must come first. There seem to be two types of people: those who place themselves first, and those who place their children first. I have serious concerns for any parent who would place their needs before a child’s. In fact, I believe we need to educate children, adolescents, and young adults earlier about the necessity of parental commitment before they consider beginning a family. This training would include the concepts of selflessness, child development, and the amazing joys of parenting done the right way. Over the past 15 years there have been more parenting classes offered, not for NEW parents, but for parents who struggle with their kids. If parental education started earlier we would all be better off. Perhaps taking a look into the future would provide a more informed choice about becoming a parent; those thinking it's not for them might wisely choose not to go down that path in life.

2. Use your parental intuition. Most parents have the right intentions, but sometimes don’t trust themselves based on what other people say or do. For example, I have had numerous parents tell me they sometimes feel like “the bad guy” for placing limitations on their children as compared to other parents. This puts them in a conflict and they often give in, which leads to common problems.

3. Educate yourself about child development. Having a roadmap is always the way to go or you are going to get lost. Children and adolescents are complicated and change from stage to stage. If you learn why and what to do, life is easier for everyone.

4. Listen to your kids. As parents, we tend to talk more than we listen. When we listen to our children, we learn where they are at, what they feel, and most importantly, what they need from us. But, we must listen without being judgmental or they won’t talk to us. You will have your time to guide – just let them finish first.

5. Play with your kids. We are all busy, especially now living in a recessed economy. We are all working harder than ever, but we still need to remain present and available to our children. I am currently volunteering every day at lunch at my son’s school to coach and play football with him and his friends. It is the most rewarding part of my day. Not only do I ensure they have fun, get exercise, share, take turns, and learn some football skills, but they all teach me about what their worlds are like — it helps me help them.

6. Family time. Whether your family is intact or not, family is still family. Even in dual households, family traditions are essential and will last a lifetime. Family dinners every night, a reading hour, a game night, joint exploration — it doesn’t matter what you do, just do it, and do it on a regular basis.

7. Balance is key. Extremes cause problems. Angry and selfish parents produce angry and selfish children. Parents who understand the true essence of parenting see this as their most important investment in the world and they plan accordingly. Working out is necessary, but after the kid’s needs are taken care of.

It is easy to get lost in the exhausting, yet wonderful world of parenting. Those of us who place our kids first will affirm that being a mom or dad is the greatest of G—s gifts to us. But this time goes by really fast. The healthier our children, the faster they separate from us and leave us for their friends. Enjoy it before it’s too late. There will be plenty of time for “Me” once they leave home. In fact, for all you great parents out there, developing activities to help us mourn the loss of parenting will be welcomed and needed.

Chapter 1: Signs of Kid Burnout

Ten year old Brian has always been considered a high achiever. Historically an excellent student and athlete, both he and his parents have consistently expected pristine performance and compliance toward any activity to which Brian dedicated himself. In a typical year, aside from a challenging academic day, Brian has also been involved in multiple activities both after school and on the weekends. Last year he played after-school soccer, attended piano and guitar lessons every week, took Spanish lessons, and was involved in his church group. Brian and his parents had been equally invested in his "busy" schedule. The only complaints Brian ever made were that he had very little time to spend with friends and that he never really had any time to "just relax." Like most children eager to please their parents, Brian’s occasional complaints were only subtly voiced and went unnoticed by his parents.

This type of scheduling had been habitual behavior for Brian since he was four years old. His parents had always taken pride in Brian's accomplishments and Brian initially felt a sense of pride in his busy schedule. This year, however, some changes in his behavior were observed and concerns were raised by two of Brian's teachers. Brian's mood and attitude seemed to significantly shift about a month into the school year. His typical high spirits and level of participation had been replaced with a sense of flatness and fatigue. His head was often seen slumped, and his body language was described as "droopy." The quality of his work was slipping from superior to average, and he had seemed to lose his usual love of school. At home Brian became resistant to piano and guitar practice, and his soccer coach told his parents he seemed to be "in outer space" when on the field. Such radical changes were discussed between Brian and his parents and the only thing Brian could acknowledge was that he felt really "tired" and did not feel well.

This example highlights a common condition referred to as "Kid Burnout." Familiar in the literature are studies about adult conditions of occupational burnout, but very little has been researched or written about this condition in children and adolescents. Despite the legitimacy of child burnout, parents and educators tend to overestimate how much kids can or should have on their plates, often supplementing quality with quantity.

The general cause of burnout is due to an over-extension in one's capacity to function normally. When this level has been reached (which is highly subjective depending upon who you speak to) psychological and physical symptoms develop. These symptoms can be as subtle as mood changes leading to more significant conditions such as physical illness. Ironically, allowing children to carry heavy schedules is a well-intentioned effort to expose them to a wide range of activities to enrich their lives. In fact many times high energy children ask for more and more and their parents sign them up for additional activities to make them happy. Yet when their children become disgruntled about disliking the activity they wanted so badly, the parents feel guilty.

As discussed in adult literature, burnout is avoided through achieving balance in one's life. The difference with adults and children, however, is that children usually do not have the capacity to balance themselves. They need their parents to use intuition and experience to decide what constitutes good balance, even at the potential displeasure of their child. It is better to have a child experiencing short-term disappointment than suffering long-term burnout. Parents need to demonstrate balance in their own lives for children to observe and demonstrate.

Key Points:

1. Parents need to consider quality over quantity when scheduling activities for their children.

2. Children need time to just relax.

3. Parents need to set an example of a balanced schedule.

4. “Kid Burnout” is often a result of well-intentioned parents aiming to expose their children to a variety of activities.

5. It is the responsibility of the parent to set and manage their child’s schedule and make necessary adjustments.

6. Major signs of “Kid Burnout” include:

a. Personality changes;

b. An unusual lack of interest;

c. Sadness or apathy;

d. Consistent fatigue;

e. Attention problems;

f. Changes in quality of performance;

g. Complaining.

FAQ’s

1. What role should children play in creating their schedule?

Children should be actively involved with creating their schedule, which will decrease animosity, if any, towards their parents. Although parents might have particular activities they want their child to participate in like playing sports or a musical instrument, or another extracurricular activity, the child needs to be able to choose the specific activity within that category. For instance, a parent might tell their child they think they should play a sport because it is healthy for them, but giving the child the option of which sport to play is a nice compromise. If the subject is approached this way you will get far less resistance from your child than if you simply say, “I was a football player, so you should be one also.” Therefore it is more important to ask which activity your child wishes to participate in rather than if they want to participate.

2. What steps should a parent take to address a child who is experiencing burnout?

o The parent should self identify whether they think their child is burning out;

o The parent should determine what they themselves think burnout out is and how burnout would make them feel;

o“”