This book is dedicated to his children
Frederic Walton Harris, Jr.
and
Kiarah Yvonne Harris
and to the memory of my son,
Frederic Walton Harris, Sr.
© 2012 Yvonne Stevens Walton Harris, Indianapolis, Indiana
ISBN: 9781620953891
PREFACE
To have a child is truly a beautiful thing. To lose a child is a devastating horror. I wrote this book about my only child, my son, Frederic Walton “Walter” Harris, Sr. as a tribute to him. I assembled the papers of his life and his journal entries he left behind when he was incarcerated to give full meaning to his life for me, my family and those of you who have chosen to read this book. These are his words, his insights, sometimes filled with anger, foul language and sometimes filled with love. I now know in his early years as an only child he felt alone and he felt he had to have others to watch his back. It was a pseudo-family. So, he went along and became a “thug” in order to survive his environment even though his father and I were right here all the time reaching out to him every day. It is ironic he survived the “streets” only to find when he eventually came back to us, his true family, a cruel destiny awaited him at a high school friend’s house one night.
Coming into this world on August 22, 1979 at 10 pounds, 15 ounces, my son was always a joy to me regardless of his shortcomings. It has been said Freddy inherited his personality from his maternal great-grandmother’s side of the family. His maternal great-grandparents, Sally Elizabeth Stephenson Boone and Edward Boone, brought 11 children into this world. Sally was a beautiful, tall mulatta with long wavy black hair and Edward was a handsome man of Native-American and African-American mixed heritage. The couple’s children were all shades of the rainbow. On the surface some of their children looked Mexican, others Native-American, then some appeared African American and even Caucasian.
The Boone Clan siblings lived in a two-story house my grandparents bought in Norfolk, Virginia. They often fussed and fought. Some had run-ins with the law. Poverty stricken when Edward and Sally separated while the children were still quite young, Freddy’s great-grandmother who never held a job did the best she could to raise her children. She was affectionately known as “Big Mama. Freddy’s grandmother, Mabel Annette Boone Walton, the eighth child in the Boone Clan, often told me of the many days she went hungry. Some of the Boone Clan did not go to school and the ones who went, only went to the sixth or eighth grade. Eventually, one sibling graduated from high school and worked her way through nursing school. Another made a career in the United States Air Force. Later, he retired from a government job in Tucson, Arizona after many years of service. One might say, my son, Freddy, inherited his temperament from the Boone Clan.
Part I and Part III of Freddy B was taken from Freddy’s own autobiography he wrote when he attended Indiana University Purdue University Indianapolis (“IUPUI”). He wrote his life’s story in his English Composition class. His writing in Part II is remarkably different. His bad language and grammar gives us insight to Freddy B, the “thug” when he was incarcerated a year at North Central Juvenile Correctional Center (NCJCC) in Logansport, Indiana. Some of the “code” language includes SEG for segregated or separated from fellow juvenile offenders. SAT means satisfactory, UNSAT follows for unsatisfactory and 211 for the “time-out” room.
Part IV are poems my son wrote while incarcerated at Logansport unmistakably pointing to his loneliness and low self-esteem he suffered from 1996-1997. His “Mother’s Day” poem is especially touching to me because he made a beautiful and colorful card filled with his love for me. Freddy always remembered our birthdays, our wedding anniversary, me on Mother’s Day and his Dad on Father’s Day. He was very thoughtful on special occasions.
I am writing this book on the tenth anniversary of the passing of my son, Freddy B. He was caught in a domestic dispute between a friend and her former boyfriend who simply did not accept the ending of their relationship. Freddy was shot and killed along with two other friends. Another friend was shot and survived.
Freddy was raised up at Eastside Missionary Baptist Church from conception until the age of 15 years when he strayed away from his Christian membership. After being incarcerated, he found he had a testimony to give about Christ and began a ministry with other juvenile offenders at NCJCC. His testimony gave him strength to withstand the test he endured during the time he was there. He became a changed and model citizen and returned to his true family.
I believe Freddy B will open the eyes of young men and women—“There are consequences to your actions in life.” My hope is this book will continue his ministry to others. His struggle may help parents realize, no matter how difficult, to find a way to break the wall of silence that teens frequently suffer when they think their parents do not understand.
My only child referred to his passing many times in Part II of his journal entries as if he knew his life would be cut short. I can only say his children, his father and I love and miss him dearly and remember the warm times we shared together.
Freddy B leaves a son and daughter to carry on his legacy. So far, they are doing well in my son’s absence and on their way to having well-adjusted lives.
I would like to thank my sister, Ayanna Nsenga Flechero, who gave her time and advice in the preparation of this book. Her love and support has meant everything to me.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
PART I INTRODUCTION
PART II INCARCERATION
PART III FINAL THOUGHTS
PART IV WORKS BY FREDDY B
PART I
INTRODUCTION
When I was younger (every since I can remember), I always used to get into trouble. Almost anything you can think of, I’ve probably done it or attempted to. As a child, I did things like getting into little fights, stole bikes and clothes, got suspended and expelled from school, etc. As a teenager I have been affiliated with gang activity, been in shoot outs, gang wars, hood wars, robbed, jacked, burglarized and been locked up.
It does not sound like any of this is significant to me. However, that is not the significance. The significance is after being locked up numerous times, the last one really impacted me. My last encounter with the law got me a trip for a one year stay at a Department of Corrections Facility.
However, the previous times I was locked up before I never stayed incarcerated for longer than two months. That means I would go in and get right out. Juvenile Center was a joke to me, especially if you had a lawyer with common sense, then you usually got off pretty easy. So, whenever I would get locked up, I usually took it as a slip-up on my part of getting caught. I never experienced it as a period to change, or to look at my wrong doings and work on them. To me they were just times I slipped up or a cop got lucky and caught me.
Well, as for the last time I got incarcerated, that is when things changed. They treated you like an adult and made you take full responsibility for your actions. You had to actually work on your problems and try to focus on how you were not going to make the same mistake again when you got out.
In the beginning, I went in with a closed mind of not changing. That only got me extra time. As I continued to get in trouble, the duration of my time only extended.
As I Look Into My Life
As I look into my life, I’ll tell you what I see
I see this young black man by the name of Freddy B
He’d always seem to get in trouble and end up in Juvenile
And every time you’d give him an inch, he’d always take a mile
I don’t understand his problem, he was really bright not dumb
He lived his life just like a game; his thinking mentality was quite young
As I look into my life, I’ll tell you what I hear
All my nizzaz proclaim my name, and all those scandalous hoez
Incarceration hasn’t stopped the rumor and talk about his name
And even though he has sorrows along wit his name comes fame
I also hear no mercy, love or no fear
But deep down inside he says Momma I ain’t happy here
As I look into my life, I’ll tell you what I taste
The bitterness of defeat and my teenage life to waste
I can taste the tears upon my lips of all my bad mistakes
But it always leads me back lookin in the mirror wonderously
At my face
As I look into my life, I’ll tell you what I feel
I feel that all this crime, dirt and fame wasn’t even worth this tear
My life as a thug and gangsta wasn’t even worth my while
And although I’m sad and sometimes cry, I try to hold it in and smile
Even thugz have feelings I guess society just don’t know
When people see a nigga cry he gotta be a bitch or a punk ass hoe
I’m tired of trying to prove myself of what the world wants me to be
I’m goin stop livin in society and live my life as Freddy B
But no one hears me; No one can feel me
They act like they fear me.
What’s in store for the things to come
My future looks so dim
I’m lost and blindfolded all alone
My options are so slim
I know there is no future for the things in life I’ve done
A professional car thief, or burglarizer
Or take everything wit my gun
I know that sounds strange and even a little funny
But way back in the day I did anything to get my hands on some money
That shits old, I gotz to get out the game
I’ve been livin too long for the hoez and the fame.
As I look into my life, I’ll tell you what I smell
The punk ass government and police tryin to set me up to foul
I smell envy and jealousy floatin in the air
Sometimes life ain’t easy, but who said it’s fair?
I smell the struggle and strain of a young black brother tryin to maintain
And the smell of his pain lets me know the world’s such a dirty game
As I look into my life, I’ll tell you what’s on my mind
I’m tired of reading the paper to seein brothers kill they ownselves
The Bible speaks of family against family and friend vs. friend
And although it’s 1997, the world’s comin to an end
Sometimes I feel it’s too late. What’s the point to even try
Whether I succeed or fail in life it doesn’t matter.
I’m ready to die; I lift my hands to God beggin for forgiveness
Praying he’ll accept my repentance.
As I look into my life, I’ll tell you what I’ve learned
Just live yo life to the fullest to no one else’s concern
Life ain’t a breeze or easy; you’ll learn that along the way
You could be fine and healthy right now, but be gone the very next day
Don’t trust no one in the world; sometimes not even your brother
The only ones I’ve depended on were God and my mother
Your life is your only one, as precious as a flower
But the corruption of the world will try to devour your soul
Wit money, greed and power
Listen to me–the words I teach are truthful and full of wisdom
I’ve seen it, did it, lived it and through the system
These are just a few visions of my struggle and my strife
I’m just telling you the deal and spittin the real as I look into my life.
PART II
INCARCERATION
Wednesday, July 10, 1996 – F. Harris – Journal
Today’s a new day and a new attitude. Yesterday when I was in group, a few suggestions came up that I think might have helped me with yesterday’s problem. A couple suggestions were write a note to whom you want to talk to or express your feelings and when you write, instead of sending, just keep it or rip it up. It will feel as if you talked to the person one on one. So yesterday, I wrote a few lines to my mom and dad, a couple of friends, and my girl. I intended on writing to my grandfather, but I just wasn’t in the mood or mind state to write my grandfather; but, I found that maybe if you write your problem a little better, you can look over, research some of your problems and see if you can find a solution yourself. So, I’m feeling a little better. Also, I go to treatment team today, and I’m 99.9 percent sure I’m going to get a SAT. Well, that’s all that’s on my mind today. Freddy Harris – #966846
Mrs. Martin – Teacher and Confidante
You’ve amazed me. You’ve already figured out what the journal is for. This is it – write it down – weigh your options – talk it through. It does usually help you to figure things out. It sounds like you have a good group – get all you can out of it. You’re doing a good job!
F. Harris – Thursday, July 11, 1996
Well today I’m in a pretty good mood. Yesterday, I received a SAT review on my treatment team and the next review will be on the 24th of the month.
Mrs. Martin
Good for you!
F. Harris – Continued Journal Entry – Thursday, July 11, 1996
I think I’ve been doing pretty good since I’ve been here. I try to complete my work and actually apply myself to the assignment. I’m not just doing it because I have to. I’m doing it because I want to. Day by day, I see more maturity and respect in myself than a lot of other guys in here. What I mean by that is a lot of guys just wanna clown, fight, argue, all of that type of stuff, just because they’re upset and ready to go home. I feel if you’re locked up (which we are) you need to make the best of it. For instance, right now we’re getting a free education and a lot of people don’t understand that, they must think this is just to waste some of the day, and these aren’t real teachers, but the teachers I have are well qualified and have credentials (degrees in their skill). So while other people are drawing pictures and talking back to their teacher or whatever, I’m in the back quietly working on my work or studying on the G.E.D., that’s what I’m getting from this. You get what you put in, so, if you put in nothing, you get nothing; if you give or put in something, you’ll get something in return. Hopefully, I’ll be able to get my G.E.D. while I’m in here, because I’m working real hard towards it. Thanks for reading and giving me comments and suggestions about my last two entries.
Mrs. Martin
I think you are doing a fine job and I also am sure you are going to benefit from being here. You have to make the best of your situation to learn and grow, so that you can move forward in life. If there’s anything I can do to help you – I certainly am available. Keep doing well!
F. Harris – Monday, July 15, 1996
Good morning. It’s Monday which is usually a bad day for some people because it’s the beginning of a new week. Today is really no different. I’m in a fairly good mood, but it’s hard to be in a good mood when your wing is constantly in trouble. Sgt. Martin tells us everyday what he’s going to do if we mess [up] at that time. Everybody acknowledges him because he’s in and out the wing, but when he leaves, it’s chaos. Nobody wants to do anything that he told us earlier. Kids arguing with staff, talking, in line movement, talking in the dining room, etc., etc. It starts to get kind of aggrevating after a while when we constantly get in trouble from the same play babies. Mr. Martin is cool too, he tells us straight up what he’s going to do, then when people get banked (or caught) they want to start crying. Martin is the only one who be trying to give us hygiene items and trying to wash our clothes every night he can. Other staff will make us wear the same clothes for weeks, maybe even months. Everybody don’t really realize how cool he is. Other kids think he’s mean because he threatens to take our stuff, but he has no other option left. I’m not trying to make it seem like I’m perfect because yesterday I got a minor, and sometime I fall off mission, but I know how to correct my mistakes and to avoid things or situations that got me the minor before. Well, the bell’s about to ring. I’ll write you tomorrow.
Mrs. Martin
Everyone makes mistakes and bad choices – that’s why you are here. We want to work on that, and for you to recognize it when you’re doing it is a BIG step. Keep working!
F. Harris – Wednesday, July 17, 1996
Well yesterday I made another bad choice and it was my fault and my bad decision. Yesterday, we were outside in rec. playing a game. The rules were there were 2 lines of 15. 1 person out the line competed with the other by passing the ball to the other 14 members then run to the basket and score. Now a certain member thought it would be funny if he threw it at my face. When he did, I barely blocked, threw it away and said stop playing. From there, we exchanged dirty looks and words until rec. was over. When we lined up, he was mumbling under his breath saying stuff; about then I said say it in my face which I should not have done. We confronted each other as if we were going to fight, then some student broke it up. When we went upstairs again, we exchanged dirty looks, then he said “was up, what the Fxxx you lookin at?” I said “you.” He said “was up then Fxxx the back. Let’s take it right here” (paused) “ooooohh I when MF’S be talking sxxx I swear to God I’m going to hit you” then I made the mistake of confronting him. I got up, went over there, he made a gesture which I took as a swing and I hit him. Mrs. Jones was right there. She told me to stop, so I did. Then she said unball my fists, so I did. They separated us and Mrs. Jones said she appreciated my cooperation and she understood the gentleman was edging me on. I told her I apologized for my actions and accepted any responsibility. Since I cooperated, I didn’t go to SEG, but I did get a Major. I understand I was in the wrong and that words mean nothing, but it seems my temper won the best of me. So could you give me a little advice so an incident like this won’t happen again (I pretty much learned my lesson). I just wanted to know how you could’ve gone about solving this problem?
Mrs. Martin
It certainly is very difficult to brush those kinds of things off and not respond at all – but – your main concern has to be – going home. Keep working on it. Patience is something you learn!
Fred Harris – Thursday – July 18, 1996
Good Morning. Today’s Thursday and it’s getting close to the weekend so I’m feeling pretty decent. Well the incident that happened yesterday is pretty much solved; me and the young gentleman had a conversation, apologized and pretty much smoothed out our animosity between us. Now the major problem to be avoided now IS the Major. And I think I solved that problem as well. For one, I’ve been told that a report hasn’t even been written and staff only has so long to write it and so long to serve it. For two, I haven’t really been in trouble excluding this incident right here. So I spoke with Sgt. Davison and from what he said he made it seem if I got a Major or didn’t I really shouldn’t worry about it. So hopefully, my previous good behavior could maybe cover up that one incident. But another thing I’ve discovered is when your locked your main focus should be going home. If you try to think about all the bad things like family problems, hurricanes, tornadoes, etc., you tend to be more concerned about other problems than your own. Plus, you tend to get upset, aggrevated or maybe even stressed which could cause you to take your anger out in a negative way or on a person or staff which I did and shouldn’t have, and I take full responsibility for that. So all the negative input and words that I hear now I must worry about it later because I’m incarcerated. I couldn’t do anything if I wanted to. So from this point on is focus on my priorities, not anyone else and negative input goes in and outs.
Mrs. Martin
What good processing! This has got to be difficult to do – try to take out some of that frustration in your journal – it’s a good way to start every morning. I know you can do it – put your mind, soul, and self into it – I have faith in you.
F. Harris – 7/23/96 – Tuesday – Journal
As to your last comment I appreciate your faith in me, but the problem is I’m losing faith in myself. I have a lot of support from teachers, students, family and friends. But the faith within myself is dwindling down to nothing. With all the problems in the world in my (neighborhood/community) family and myself, when I try to look at the good I find none. Every week, every time I talk to my momma there’s some bad news; if it ain’t a death in the family, it’s something else like someone sick or something or the topic that puts me over the edge is the police are trying to put new charges on me and waive me over to adult court. That was what really made me click, but also my name was in the local newspaper for a charge I haven’t committed or been charged with. Now my family thinks I’m a hardened criminal. Oh, I forgot, the charge they’re trying to get me for is auto theft; me and four other guys were in the paper. One of the guys stole my aunty’s car, and she thinks I had something to do wit it, not only do they think I’m a criminal, they also think of me as a disgrace. My mom also stated that if somehow they try to convict me, I may be looking at some years. This is why my attitude has increased and my tolerance decreased. Yesterday I saw the psychiatrist. I take ritlin at breakfast and lunch. He said I do so well at school, but at the “J” Building, I tend to change. He said he would start giving me medicine in the evening because he thinks it wears off after school; hopefully he’s right. There’s one thing I want to apologize for, and that’s making myself seem perfect when I’m far from it. When people look to you as a role model, it’s hard to sustain that role because of the pressure. I will continue this tomorrow cause the bell rang.
Mrs. Martin
Criminal or not you are a person and I think you do a good job at that. One day you will too. Please don’t ever feel like you need to apologize for how you are. You are doing a good job of acting how you want to be – now you need to feel it! No one is perfect – we all have our issues and problems – we need to work on your self esteem – think of some ways to do that.
Fred Harris – Wednesday – 7/24/96
Today is treatment team day, and as I’ve said in the last entry, things are looking no good from 8-4 shift. I’m a perfect angel, no complaints, but from 4-12, things start to get out of hand like I said yesterday it could be the missing dose of medicine in the evening. I’m not trying to blame the downfall of my behavior on my medicine, but that could be the problem yesterday. I took an evening dose and no one had any trouble with me. Now that’s just one day out of many more to come, but if this continues, hopefully, I won’t have any trouble on treatment with custody sergeants, etc., etc. I can actually feel the medicine impact when it kicks in, but it wears off slowly and gradually, so I really can’t feel the decrease, but I do tend to see more aggressiveness and less tolerance, but when I do realize it most of time its too late to change what I’ve said or done. Like I said before, I must learn to control my tongue, and my mind, but I’d rather think bad thoughts and not say them, than think bad, say bad, act bad towards other individuals. I have buddies in here, but only 2 true friends. God and my buddy, Billie. He’s been in the system, and he knows what it takes to get so he tries to give me helpful hints to progress towards my release. But I need more than just him. I need the community’s help. I’m sure a lot of people will pay more attention to 70 people than 1, and that’s the problem instead of fellow students trying to stop an argument or fight. They provoke one to see who’s bad that’s what I need to block out. I won’t see any of these people on the outs, so I don’t need to do anything to try to make a good impression to any of them. So what I need to do is practice what I preach. I know the rules and expectations and all that; now I must abide by them starting today.
Mrs. Martin
Good Job!
Fred Harris – Thursday – 7/25/96
Well from the look of things I’ve been doing O.K. for the past few days, although yesterday, I did get an UNSAT, but I’m not even worried about it. I’m focusing on the next team, but as for my evening behavior it has been decent for the last few days. My name hasn’t been on any lists, and I haven’t had any paperwork. Now I know it’s been only about 2-4 days, but usually my name ends up on a list or they’re continuously saying my name, but I haven’t had any problems at all. A minor misunderstanding here and there, but other than that, it’s all good. I’ve started to communicate with staff more. For instance, yesterday, I asked custody (Ms. Johnson) what do I need to do to better my behavior, and we talked and she gave me advice on what to say, what not to say, and when not to say it. Then I told her what my concern was in my own behavior, and she acknowledged me saying “That’s good you know, understand, and admit your problem. Now all you got to do is fix it.” And that’s what I’m working on. I need some correction, this is a correctional facility, so now I must want to get corrected, which is what I’m doing, but my anger, temper and attitude try to hold me back. But I’m starting to learn how to dispurse my anger. That’s all today. Thanks.
Mrs. Martin
You are well on your way to helping yourself. Staff will help when you show effort and interest. What happens in the day room compared to school – try to list the differences and conflicts and evaluate them so you can start to work on them,
Fred Harris – Monday – 7/29/96
Today and every other day since the last week has been terrible. Every other day we have conflicts, stealing, fights and disrespect. On Sunday we spent 3 hours with Cap’n Herron talking about people stealing from one another. (Mrs. Martin – “I hope it helps.”) How to for the day room, and how to help the community out period. Anyway we felt it did some kind of good, so we told him we would do better. Then today this fight happened and Graves went to the hospital. The Saturday before this Sunday (27) the reason Cap’n Herron came in was because 2 guys were going to fight and the whole dorm was acting crazy throwing things at staff and students; everything just plain crazy. During this whole period in time I’ve been doing O.K. I did have a few problems but everyone does, but I think the major problem is Sgt. Butler.
Mrs. Martin
Try to finish your thoughts!
7/30/96
Every second shift he works, I get in trouble. I’m not trying to blame my conflicts and problems on him, but he said I’m making or have made the front page so he tries to bank me if I sneeze wrong. He constantly picks and nags on me waiting for me to click on him or just say 1 thing to take me to SEG. I have went to SEG for being ill-tempered and having an attitude, and since then I try to bite my tongue before I make the same mistake. Another thing is he tries to make me the bad example or the big, bad wolf. Saturday night, he tried to use me as an example of being off focus, off mission and the number 1 bad guy of the community. Then almost everyone got up and used me as a negative example in every scenario. I got very upset and addressed the community and Sgt. Butler for making negative remarks. Butler was getting so upset because I fronted him out in front of Lt. Holmes and the community, and I had support in some of my awarenesses. I said he showed favoritism. I had support on that. I said he never listens to you when you need support or help, and I made a few more comments which I had support. Then I told Lt. Mills about the favoritism Butler was showing to certain students, and he (Butler) and Lt. Mills had a talk about that. That Sunday Butler didn’t pick, fuss, or say anything to me and I did pretty good. He hasn’t worked the wing since Sunday, so I have to wait and see.
Mrs. Martin
Pointing that negative awarenesses were being made at a constant was a very good thing. You know (because I read it) what is happening. The next step is to work on either avoiding the situations you get into or dealing with them differently. What are some ways you can work on that – if I can help, I will. I appreciate your hard work and behavior in my classroom – I know you can transfer that over to the other building. BELIEVE!
F. Harris – Thursday, August 1, 1996 – Journal Entry
August 1, the beginning of a new month. This month is my birthday, my father’s birthday and my best friend (one of them) Billie Harrell. My birthday is on August 22 (79). I’ll be 17. Billie and my father’s birthday are August 25. Billie will be 18 and get this; my dad, my real dad, Frederick Emmitt Harris will be 65 years old; that’s kinda old, he’s old enough to be my grandfather. Some of my buddie’s grandparents and great-grandparents are younger than him. But, it’s O.K. cause he’s a good father and he provides for me. I have three brothers, one sister, one sister-in-law, a nephew and a niece (we all have the same father, but different mothers). My brothers are Troy–35; Larry–32; Danny– 23; sister Lois–34; sister-in-law Charlotte (married to Troy); nephew Jerry – 11; niece Marie – 8. I was planning on spending summer in Dallas where my brothers and sister live; but things didn’t work out. Anyway, my brothers and sister are supposed to be coming up for my father’s birthday, so hopefully, they’ll be able to come visit me around my birthday, (Mrs. Martin – “Yes.”) but I think the limit of visitors is five so we’ll have to see what I can do to try to get all my family to come. At first I was depressed about spending my birthday in here, but I won’t let it get to me. Maybe me and Billie can clown together on our birthday. So I think I’ll be O.K. this birthday; but another problem I will address in another entry is Billie and this month. I can’t write it now because the bell is about to ring.
Mrs. Martin
My father is a lot older than most too – if you enjoy him as your dad – that’s what matters – not age.
Fred Harris – Monday, August 5, 1996
Well again my temper and attitude have got the best of me. See on Thursday evening, my mom told me that I have to go to court (on August 15, Thursday) for pending charges. It’s in Hamilton County. Then I got a subpoena from Marion County Court to testify against someone I know. These 2 court hearings have made me very upset and irritable. I snap on the quickest thing. Anyway for some of those reasons up above (upset and angry, etc.) I was placed on loss of privileges which made me really mad because I couldn’t call my mom inside which caused me to unleash it in a negative way which was fighting. But this whole situation could’ve been avoided if we both wouldn’t have provoked the fight. Me and this gentleman aren’t the best of friends, but usually when we talk we argue and you know this young gentleman, he’s cool, but he knows what to say at the wrong time. This young man’s name is (Mr. Graves) yes the one in this class we got into it, then someone told. Sgt. Butler was going to send me to SEG for battery, but he failed to realize that Graves did physically retaliate. So, they were going to charge us with fighting, but Lt. Mills being the good man he is gave us an option that we would be on the buddy system for 4 days, write a 10 page report, me and Graves together and present it in a townhouse meeting after the community meeting and do everything together or get paperwork, automatic UNSAT and 5 days SEG. Well of course, we both chose option 1. We didn’t like it at first, but I can already tell that 4 days of being his buddy won’t hurt. We’ll probably be friends, still after that, but this wasn’t really a learning experience because this has happened in the past. I was supposed to have learned from it, then this was more like a bad choice of judgment and decision on me and his part. I’m not learning anything. If I make the same mistakes like I have in the past. I will elaborate more on this topic tomorrow. The bell is about to ring. Just read this part and comment on it tomorrow when I get finished. Thanks
Mrs. Martin
What can we do – so you don’t pick this choice when you’re angry. Can you write like in a journal and put it in your folder? Extra work sheets. Let’s talk.
Fred, I think you are learning more than you realize – you need to work on putting all of your knowledge in action and learning from your mistakes.
You know where you need extra work – now do something about it!!! Quit sitting on it.
I think Lt. Mills offer was fair and you are right – it will do you some good! Make the most out of it and go on. Good Luck!
F. Harris – Tuesday, August 6, ‘96
As I was saying yesterday, my temper continuously is rising, but not just because I’m mad for no reason, it’s because I have a lot on my mind like I said before in a journal entry (on July 23, Tuesday), the police were trying to bring up new charges against me, but, from the look of things, they have. On August 15, ’96 of this month, this year in less than two weeks, I’m going to Hamilton County to get questioned. I know it’s not a for sure thing they will try to charge me with anything, but a few of my so-called friends put my name in the story. Anyway, me and my family don’t have the kind of money to get a lawyer or money for bond, plus, I don’t want any charges against my adult record. Then, say if they don’t waive me they’ll send me back here for an even longer time, probably till next year. My faith and hope have quickly fallen. (Mrs. Martin – “Don’t let that happen.”) My determination and desperation and thoughts of going home are all wiped out. If it wasn’t for this school right here, I’d probably be in SEG or something. School is the only thing I’ve got and/or want and need if they told me I couldn’t come to school and learn, I’d probably go crazy with all this stress and choices and decisions. I’m about to crack like a peanut. From deaths, to family trouble, financial problems and court procedures, I can’t take on these decisions and problems alone. I hardly use the phone, and some things you just can’t talk to a teacher or staff about. I got a friend, but we can’t even talk without getting paperwork or L.O.P.(Loss of Priveleges). My friend is getting very thin, and I’m about falling apart. My medicine is like a toy now. I’ll be cool or relaxed for a short period of time, but after a while, I tend to get restless. I read the Bible and ask for the Lord’s help, but nothing’s happening. I just don’t know what to do or how to control my actions anymore. (Mrs. Martin – “He works on His time, not ours.”)
I haven’t even told you all the other problems I’ve had. If I did you would understand a little more better. The problem is I’m only 16 with the responsibility of an adult, and I don’t know if I’m ready to handle it; but I have to and that’s a few of the reasons of my attitude. You see some staff is cool. They’ll try to see what’s wrong with you and help you out, but others want to do nothing and see you fail and could care less about any of your problems and conditions. When certain staff treat me like that or talk to me like a dog or give me no respect, that provokes me to treat them the same way, and I think it might lead into other shifts (meaning, if I treat one staff like that, I’m going to treat them all like that). The attitude I have right now is, “It’s just me against the world.” No one seems to understand me, and if they try to they still can’t relate to my problems or situations that I’ve been through or about to go through. I just can’t think of anything that can get me on mission or on focus. As I said before, I’m losing hope and fast. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Mrs. Martin
There are some out there on your side. I suggest that you seek some outside help – I am very available and willing to talk to you anytime – your counselor would be too. I think you would be surprised that one of us might not be so hard to talk to. If I can help, please let me know. Keep the faith and don’t give up.
F. Harris – Wednesday, August 7, 1996 – Journal Entry
I appreciate your offer for help but as you can tell, my trouble is not in school or in the morning. It’s in the “J” Building after school on 2nd shift. (Mrs. Martin – “If you’d like to talk after school, I’m free.”)
My counselor (Ms. Scott) is too busy and the only time I see you is in the morning, and if I have or had a problem, it would’ve been the previous day, and that’s in the past. It will only upset me to bring it up again, plus me and my counselor got into a little argument, and I really don’t think she has something to say to me, and I feel the same way as well. We had a disagreement during our group yesterday, and I made a negative comment, but said it in a positive way which resulted in a minor argument and Sgt. Davison overlooking the situation, he told us that we discussed it, analyzed the problem, now it’s over, get back on mission. (Mrs. Martin – “The two of you will need to talk this out.”) But a certain member wanted to continue the conversation after Sgt. Davison left which resulted in another argument, and my counselor got upset and put us on dead mouth, then another group of hers combined with our group because their teacher left when they entered, they didn’t realize we were on dead mouth; a student came in joking around, my counselor got upset and snapped at him. Then the student began to talk about her which resulted in making her cry, and the summoning of Sgt. Davison for some strange reason due to the arguing earlier, she said I participated in the negative behavior and Sgt. “D” chewed us out back at the “J” Building. I’m not sure what the Sgt.’s going to do, but him just yelling at us was not the end. As for me seeking outside help, I can’t for (1) one month L.O.P., (2) you can only use the phone two times a week, (3) one visit out of these three occasions due to the behavior of west wing. I only talk to my mom on a visit because we never get a chance to use the phone. The only person I’ll listen to out of this whole world is GOD and my mom. My dad is half and half. Sometimes I listen, sometime I don’t; but the person who I’ll do anything for, I mean anything for, is my mom, Yvonne Stevens Walton Harris. She has done everything for me, giving me everything she can, supported me through all my downfalls, all that, my mom means so much to me. I’ll take a bullet for her, after all the wrong I’ve done, and all the pain I caused, she still looks at me like momma’s little boy. She’s the only one who understands and knows how I feel. She never looks at me like a thug or criminal, or that I’m heartless or wrong even when I’m guilty, and she knows and I know I’m still her innocent little son. I’ll finish up tomorrow, the bell rang.
Mrs. Martin
Unconditional love is a wonderful thing – be thankful and appreciative. You’ve got a great mom.
Fred Harris – Friday – 8/16/96
Hello Mrs. Martin. I’m finally back. I’ve been gone for about 4 days. But I’m back, and I intended on coming to school everyday for this past week. I’ve been in constant trouble. I’ve been in SEG 2 times, I have loss of privileges for 4 days (today’s my last day), and I think I have received 2 Majors and 2 Minors. It seems like I fell off the deep end. I haven’t been to school in 3-½ days and the bad thing about it is, is that I like coming to school and I was doing something that no one else could do, take away and that’s my education. I really showed how smart I was. I thought if I debated or argued over the situation I would win, but I lost and everytime I argued I was off mission and I thought of it as I didn’t care, but I did. That’s why I was arguing the point of going to school. I don’t know why, but it did take me 3-½ days to get back on mission. I think some of the reason is a staff, her name is Mrs. Johnson. She’s cool and all, but I’m not used to taking orders from women (unless my moms or Grandma), especially getting threatened by women. But my mistake was taking Mrs. Johnson’s authority as a joke, but it wasn’t funny when she put me on 4 days of L.O.P., gave me a major, sent me to SEG, made us do 7 hours work detail and 2 minors, being she’s a woman. I took all these as a joke, but when everything she gave me landed, I got upset and argued and debated wit her, but we finally had a talk and smoothed things out (hopefully). So I really shouldn’t have anymore problems. Also me and Sgt. Butler are patching things up so hopefully I’ll be able to stay on focus.
Mrs. Martin
I’m glad you can see some of these things for yourself. Taking orders is difficult, but you need to realize where you are and that staff does have the authority, no matter what you’re used to. You’ve come a long way – I’m proud of you.
F. Harris – Wednesday, 8/28/96
Was up Mrs. Martin? I haven’t talked to you in a long time. Since the last time we’ve talked, my time here and behavior has been shifting up and down like a roller coaster as you know (because you were there). I was going to SEG like I was going to the bathroom everyday and every other day I was going to SEG, getting majors left and right. I wanted to change on the outside, but I was confused on the inside. I was so used to my old behaviors and actions that if I wanted to change, I wanted to change on my own and not be forced into changing especially by people I don’t like or want to listen to, and those times when I did change or wanted to and let staff talk to me however they wanted, I didn’t want to accept the fact they had authority and could tell me what to do; so the inside was like HELL no, nobody talks to you like that, but my outside and half my inside tried to maintain it, but usually the bad would win because I didn’t want to look like a hoe in my eyes as well as others. Whenever I thought that that’s when I got out of control and started running off at the mouth. All of this happened before the 21st of August. My last treatment, of course, I didn’t get a SAT; I didn’t deserve one, but I knew and understood that. But lately, about three weeks ago, I started going to Church and Bible Study everyday I could, and I really started getting into the word. I read special verses on anger, faith, and difficult times. When I read these verses and applied them to myself, I started to find myself avoiding trouble. I used to carry my Bible everywhere I went because whenever I flipped my lid, I would read certain verses to relax me and calm me down. Then after a while I started to do it on my own calming myself down relaxing my thoughts by going over Bible verses in my head. Since my last UNSAT, I’ve been on mission. I haven’t even been on an off mission list, and I intend to continue on staying on this path. I know I’ve said this before in last entries, but I’m true to this before I said I wanted help, and I was unsure and alone, but now I know I do, and God is on my side now. Also, for the past few days I’ve been witnessing to other students telling them about Jesus Christ and God, and how the end of the world is near; how we must repent and so on and so on. Some people listen and don’t take heed, but others sit wit me at rec and before bed and fellowship wit me and discuss issues that they’re unsure about, and I try my hardest to answer or lead them to an answer, but I always try to influence them to continue reading and try to get a better understanding of Christ. Before I was a little concerned of people’s thoughts and opinions, but now I’m doing what I gotta do for the Lord and myself to keep us both on mission and help others learn about what they must do. Since all of this I’ve had a new inner peace with myself and God. Every night before I go to bed and pray, I felt a lot better. I cast all my worries and troubles and gave them to God. My temper has dropped considerably. Now I can go to bed stress free, worry free, anger free; all that anything that bothers me, I give it to God, and it’s over wit. So I feel that the rest of my time will be a peaceful one. Although I’m locked up I feel like this is a summer camp now. So I feel pretty much on my way to success now. So pray for me to stay on mission, and I’ll pray for you as well and to help to stay on mission in case you see me slippin. Well, that’s pretty much all I have to say. Thanks and God bless you. Freddy Harris
Mrs. Martin
Wow! I’m so impressed with you. I hear you talking, sure of yourself and that’s very important. I’m very excited for you in your new peace and journey. I’m always here to support you.
F. Harris – 8/29/96 – Journal Entry