THE OBERON BOOK OF
COMIC MONOLOGUES FOR WOMEN
VOLUME 2
FOR WOMEN
Volume 2
Foreword by
Sharon Horgan
OBERON BOOKS
LONDON
WWW.OBERONBOOKS.COM
First published in 2015 by Oberon Books Ltd
521 Caledonian Road, London N7 9RH
Tel: +44 (0) 20 7607 3637 / Fax: +44 (0) 20 7607 3629
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www.oberonbooks.com
Collection copyright © Katy Wix, 2015
Foreword copyright © Sharon Horgan 2015
Katy Wix is hereby identified as author of this work in accordance with section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The author has asserted her moral rights.
All rights whatsoever in these monologues are strictly reserved and application for performance, other than in an audition context, should be made before commencement of rehearsal to Curtis Brown Group Ltd., Haymarket House, 28–29 Haymarket, London SW1Y 4SP; 020 7393 4400; cb@curtisbrown.co.uk. No performance may be given unless a licence has been obtained, and no alterations may be made in the title or the text of the monologue without the author’s prior written consent.
You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or binding or by any means (print, electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
PB ISBN: 978-1-78319-923-5
EPUB ISBN: 978-1-78319-924-2
Cover design by James Illman
Printed, bound and converted
by CPI Group (UK) Ltd, Croydon, CR0 4YY.
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Acknowledgements
Many thanks to everyone at Oberon for being so
wonderfully supportive and great to work with.
Thanks to Lily Williams, Charlie Weedon
and Jeanette Hunter. A big thank you to
Sharon Horgan and thank you very much Mandy Wix.
Contents
FOREWORD
INTRODUCTION
AN UNPLEASANT EVENT
BOTTLEWASHER
BOUNCER
BRIAN
BULLDOZER
CAMEL
COMMUNION
COUNTRY MATTERS
CREDIT
CURIO
DOLLY
DROWNING
DRUMS
EXCHANGE
EXPERIENCE
FAME
FIGUREHEAD
GOOD LUCK
GRAND
HONESTY
INSTANT
KEEP SMILING
A LEMON TREE
LIKENESS
MANDATE
MOOD
ON STAGE
OPENING
OUT THERE
PATIENCE
PICK
RIVERBED
SOUTH
SQUEEZE
THE BIG DAY
THE PAUSE
THE WALK
THREE
TIME FLIES
WHAT IS LEFT
FOREWORD
Katy Wix makes me laugh 97% more than most people. And although comedy and what you find funny is incredibly subjective, she is the perfect person to have written a collection like this. She’s smart but off the wall. She’s bold but irreverent. Her voice is unique.
A book like this is long overdue – a compilation of hilarious, sharp, witty and diverse comic speeches for women. So now you don’t ever have to go looking for monologues again! No more trawling through screenplays and scripts on the dusty old Internet. She’s done the work for you. It’s all here! And all of the characters are warm, interesting and very funny. They are a pleasure to read and will be a pleasure to perform.
So have fun. Katy would want it that way.
Sharon Horgan
September 2015
INTRODUCTION
Hello and welcome to the second volume of comic monologues for women you lucky thing! Here we are again. Sure as night follows day, so book two follows on from book one, as I bring you a brand new batch of original speeches.
There are many great books on the market providing audition material for performers, but I was surprised to find that there wasn’t a collection of original and contemporary comic monologues solely for women and so decided to start writing them myself.
Naturally and correctly, everyone is now bored to the point of menstruation with the joyless and hopefully moribund ‘Are Women Funny?’ debate. To me, the idea of asking if something is funny is like saying ‘What’s tasty?’ Humour is surely as personal as your shadow or hairstyle. Wait, hang on – I wasn’t even going to engage with it as a debate. Oh balls, right, that’s enough of that.
Like most overdone monologues, they are overdone for a reason: because they are good. However, the more performers I spoke to, especially those who wanted to perform comedy and enjoy performing something unheard, it became apparent that there was a real dearth of contemporary comic content. The classics remain a staple diet for any actress, but when it comes to comedy it seems they are subsisting on more meagre portions, which is why I wanted to write a second volume.
A monologue is often the point in a play where the character must speak; an impulse which summons them to voice something. And yet I read a great many speeches where female characters were either assuming the role of caretaker or rather helplessly reacting to events in the plot rather than actively changing them. There was a sense of passivity – an external rather than internal locus of control. Let’s give them the umbrella title for now of the ‘Why Doesn’t He Text Me Back? What’s Wrong With Me?’ monologues. Self-critiquing and being a loser in love are of course British comedy staples, but I didn’t want it to be the only way of getting a laugh. If there were a Bechdel test equivalent for anthologies of original comic monologues for women then I like to think that this book would pass.
A lovely young actor called Megan very kindly took the time to write to me and phrased it perfectly:
‘As a 6ft tall “definitely not a Juliet” actress you have no idea how refreshing it was to find and read your incredible set of real women who also happen to be unbelievably hilarious … also thank you for creating women who are able to talk about things other than men … very rare and very appreciated.’
A NOTE FOR PERFORMERS
Ordinarily when preparing an audition speech it is necessary to read the full play to better understand the character and situation. These monologues exist in a vacuum – if you will – free of contextual restraint. I have deliberately not included a playing range or accent. I would encourage you, the performer, to feel free to create your own story and background to these speeches and decide on your own interpretation. They are designed as a vehicle for you to best show off your performance skills.
I hope you find a speech that makes you laugh and that you will enjoy performing.
Good luck!
Katy
AN UNPLEASANT EVENT
I was seven when I saw my first trapeze artist die.
Not ideal. I say ‘my first’; it was my last as well. Haven’t got the stats. Not sure how many trapeze artists are scooped up off the floor at the end of a show say, in a year. I don’t have the figures. I’ve only witnessed the one, as I say, I’m sure there’s been others but you know, well, if a tree falls in a forest and all that. Oh yeah, she fell alright, but this wasn’t a forest, it was a tent … And it wasn’t a tree, it was a woman. Splattered like an ink splodge, sequins everywhere. Never forget it. Even the elephants looked up – and they’ll never forget it and not just because they’re elephants. ‘Zut Alors’, I thought to myself … if I’d been French … but I’m not. Lovely pink tights she was wearing. Absolutely spot on. She popped herself on the ladder and she had a good old climb. Reached the top – quick smile to the front row and she was off, like a little snowflake floating on the breath of a dream, beautiful and absolutely no hint of the death to follow. Until the tragic death, it was a ten. She began to build momentum; back 2, 3, 4, forward 2, 3, 4. She unfurled one pink leg, slowly, teasingly as if it was trying to tell us something.
I was transfixed. She looked like an Alison, if I was to have a stab. But I often think people are called Alison and I’m nearly always wrong apart from the time I met Alison Gatt. I thought, ‘Hello, she looks like an Alison’ and I was a hundred per cent correct on that occasion. She’s dead now too. But she died, naturally … I mean she died in the nude. But they stuck a dress on her for the funeral, of course; catholic, open casket, you see. Gawd: two Alisons, well, a suspected and a confirmed one, both dead and what’s the connection? Moi. What’s the common denominator there? Keep up, it’s not hard … me, is the answer. It’s me.
The bar, she just missed the bar. It was a bar-related death. Well, it’s an odd thing to want to do isn’t it? Have you seen those bars? They’re tiny.
D’you know who I feel sorry for, in all of this? The clowns. Imagine that. You’re dressed up like a bell end. You’ve committed to all that (gestures her own face) I mean, clearly I feel sorry for the faller, but c’mon – those clowns! They came running on and well, they tried to look sullen but, you know – there was no disguising those painted-on smiles unfortunately.
I hope it wasn’t suicide. I never thought of that. Just hadn’t occurred to me … god that’s horrible.
The ringmaster did sod all. He just gawped from the sidelines. Didn’t even seem to know basic first aid. Not sure what the point of ringmasters is to be honest. He can’t even prevent a fatality in his own ring. Disgrace.
BOTTLEWASHER
(She looks around.)