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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Phelan, Thomas W., author.
1-2-3 magic : effective discipline for children 2–12 / Thomas W. Phelan, PhD. — Sixth edition.
pages cm
Includes bibliographical references and index.
(trade paper : alk. paper) — (hardcover : alk. paper) 1. Discipline of children. 2. Child rearing. 3. Parenting. I. Title.
HQ770.4.P485 2016
649’.1—dc23
2015021612
To Eileen
CONTENTS
Preface
Introduction: Parenting: Long Hours, No Pay, Excellent Benefits
Part I: Building a Solid Foundation for Parenting
Chapter 1: Orientation to the Parenting Profession
Chapter 2: Your Job as a Parent
Chapter 3: Challenging the Little Adult Assumption
Chapter 4: Avoiding the Two Biggest Discipline Mistakes
Part II: Controlling Obnoxious Behavior: Parenting Job 1
Chapter 5: Getting Results through Counting
Chapter 6: Advice for Nearly Any Counting Challenge
Chapter 7: Disciplining Your Child in Public
Real-Life Story 1: The Case of the Temper Tantrum Terrorist
Chapter 8: How to Handle Sibling Rivalry, Tantrums, Pouting, and Lying
Real-Life Story 2: The Incredible Case of the Traveling Troublemakers
Chapter 9: Getting Started with Counting
Part III: Managing Testing and Manipulation
Chapter 10: Recognizing the Six Types of Testing and Manipulation
Chapter 11: Tales from the Trenches
Part IV: Encouraging Good Behavior: Parenting Job 2
Chapter 12: Establishing Positive Routines
Chapter 13: Getting Up and Out in the Morning
Chapter 14: Cleaning Up and Chores
Chapter 15: Surviving Suppertime
Chapter 16: Tackling the Homework Problem
Chapter 17: Going to Bed—and Staying There!
Real-Life Story 3: The Case of Bedlam at Bedtime
Chapter 18: Managing Your Expectations
Part V: Strengthening Your Relationships with Your Children: Parenting Job 3
Chapter 19: Sympathetic Listening
Real-Life Story 4: The Case of the Fickle Friends
Chapter 20: The Dangers of Over-Parenting
Chapter 21: Real Magic: One-on-One Fun
Chapter 22: Solving Problems Together
Part VI: Enjoying Your New Family Life
Chapter 23: Staying Consistent
Chapter 24: Your Happy, Healthy Family
Appendix
About the Author
PREFACE
A NUMBER OF YEARS ago a young mom came in to my office. She was a single mother of three and she was thirty-three years old. When she sat down and I had a good chance to look at her, I could see that Sarah looked like she had been run over by a truck.
When I asked the young woman what had brought her in to see me, she said, “Dr. Phelan, I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. It’s horrible. I just lie there, pull the covers over my head, and cringe.”
“Why don’t you want to get up?” I asked.
“The thought of getting my three kids up and ready for school is horrible. It’s absolutely horrible!” she said. “They don’t cooperate, they fight, they treat me like I’m invisible. I scream, I yell, I nag. The whole thing is so upsetting that it ruins my day. I can’t concentrate at work and I’m depressed. Then the next morning I have to do it all over again.”
After asking Sarah more questions and doing a brief history of her life, I asked if she’d like to learn 1-2-3 Magic. “I’ll do anything!” she said.
Sarah meant what she said. I taught her 1-2-3 Magic. She went home and told the kids things were going to be different. The kids smirked and looked at her like she was nuts.
Over the next few weeks this young mother made believers out of her three children. She used counting for sibling rivalry and disrespect. She used some of our “Start” behavior tactics for picking up, homework, and—most importantly—getting up and out in the morning. She also employed sympathetic listening and shared one-on-one fun as bonding strategies.
Sarah was a trouper. As she revolutionized her home life, we started spacing out our sessions since she didn’t need to come in as often.
One day early in January, Sarah came in for her last visit. She no longer looked like she’d been run over by a truck. As she sat down, I asked her how things were going.
“Really well,” she said.
“Well, that’s saying something,” I pointed out, “especially since you just spent two weeks with your kids over Christmas vacation.”
“Yep, it went well,” she said. “I’ve come a long way.”
Then she hesitated. “But you know something?” she added. “I didn’t realize how far I’d come until after they went back to school after Christmas vacation.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
A little teary, she paused, then said, “I missed them for the first time in my life.”
What Can 1-2-3 Magic Do for You?
If you are raising young children, the 1-2-3 Magic program might be your ticket to effective and enjoyable parenting for several reasons:
1.The book has sold more than 1.6 million copies.
2.1-2-3 Magic has been translated into twenty-two languages.
3.Over the last several years, 1-2-3 Magic has consistently been the number one child discipline book on Amazon.com.
4.The program is dad-friendly.
5.It’s evidence-based—that means it works.
For Best Results
This edition of 1-2-3 Magic describes straightforward methods for managing the behavior of children from the ages of approximately two to twelve, whether they’re average or special-needs kids. You can actually start at about eighteen months with a typically developing child. To get the best results, keep in mind the following:
1.The strategies should be used exactly as they are described here, especially with regard to the No Talking and No Emotion Rules.
2.If both parents are living at home, ideally both adults should use the program. If one parent refuses to use 1-2-3 Magic, however, the other parent can still use it on his or her own (while hoping, of course, that the partner or spouse is doing something reasonable with the kids).
3.Single, separated, and divorced parents can use our methods effectively by themselves. It is preferable if all parents—even if they are in different locations—are using the same program, but that isn’t always possible. In fact, single parents greatly benefit from a simple and effective system like 1-2-3 Magic. If you are parenting on your own, you are very likely to feel overloaded, and you don’t have a lot of time to spend learning discipline programs. Also, because you’re by yourself, you cannot afford to be inefficient in managing your children. You only have so much energy!
4.Grandparents, babysitters, and other caregivers have also found the 1-2-3 program very helpful in managing young children. Actually, many grandparents first discovered 1-2-3 Magic on their own and then shared it with their children. In addition, we hear more and more these days that grandparents are raising their grandchildren themselves, and these adults often find 1-2-3 Magic to be a lifesaver.
5.Make sure your kids are in good physical health. It is a well-known fact that illness, allergies, and physical pain can aggravate both behavioral and emotional problems in children. Regular physical exams for the kids are of critical importance. It’s also important to know and respect your children’s natural daily rhythms regarding food, sleep, and bathroom. A child who missed a nap, who feels hungry, or who has to go to the bathroom can be much more challenging to parent.
A Note about Psychological Evaluation and Counseling
Some parents may wonder: When in the process of using 1-2-3 Magic is it necessary to get a mental health professional involved?
Psychological evaluation and counseling are recommended before using 1-2-3 Magic if any child has a history of excessive separation anxiety, physical violence, or extremely self-punitive behavior. These children can be very difficult to manage during the initial testing period when they are still adjusting to the new discipline.
If your family is currently in counseling, this program should be discussed with the counselor before you use it. If your counselor is not familiar with 1-2-3 Magic, take a copy of this book, the DVD, or the audio CD for him or her to become familiar with.
Psychological evaluation and counseling are recommended after using 1-2-3 Magic if:
1.Marital instability or conflict is interfering with the effective use of the methods. 1-2-3 Magic is normally an excellent way to get Mom and Dad on the same page in dealing with the kids. Sometimes just a few counseling sessions can help right the ship.
2.One or both parents are incapable of following the No Talking and No Emotion Rules. (See chapter 4.) Life stressors, as well as problems such as anxiety and depression, can make it hard for some parents to calm down enough to effectively use 1-2-3 Magic. Drug and alcohol use can also make moms and dads volatile, obnoxious, and ineffective.
3.Behavior problems, as well as testing and manipulation by the child, are continuing at too high a level for more than three weeks after starting the program. Your child was hard to manage before 1-2-3 Magic. Now he’s better, but you still feel managing him is too much of a grind. Check it out with a professional.
4.Trust your instincts. Here’s a good rule of thumb: if you have been worrying about a particular problem in your child for more than six months, that’s too long. See a mental health professional and find out if there is, in fact, something wrong. If there is, try to fix it or learn how to manage it. If there’s nothing wrong, stop worrying.
Serious psychological and behavioral problems in young children frequently include persistent difficulties with the following:
•Paying attention or sitting still
•Language development, social interaction, and restricted interests
•Negative, hostile, and defiant behavior
•Excessive worrying or unusual anxiety about separation
•Loss of interest in fun activities and irritability
•Excessive verbal and physical aggression
•Disregard for age-appropriate norms and rules
•Unexpected learning difficulties
INTRODUCTION
Parenting: Long Hours, No Pay, Excellent Benefits
“CAN I HAVE A Twinkie?”
“No, dear.”
“Why not?”
“’Cause we’re eating at six o’clock.”
“Yeah, but I want one.”
“I just said you couldn’t have one.”
“You never give me anything.”
“What do you mean I never give you anything? Do you have clothes on? Is there a roof over your head? Am I feeding you in two seconds?”
“You gave Joey one half an hour ago.”
“Listen, are you your brother? Besides, he eats his dinner.”
“I promise I’ll eat my dinner.”
“Don’t give me this promise, promise, promise stuff, Monica! Yesterday—at four thirty—you had half a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich and you didn’t eat anything at dinner!”
“THEN I’M GOING TO KILL MYSELF AND THEN RUN AWAY FROM HOME!”
Welcome to 1-2-3 Magic
Parenting is one of the most important jobs in the world, and it can also be one of life’s most enjoyable experiences. Small children are engaging, affectionate, entertaining, curious, full of life, and fun to be around. For many adults, parenting provides profound and unique benefits unequaled by any other area of life.
Yet being a mom or a dad can also be unbelievably frustrating. Repeat the Twinkie scene more than a thousand times and you have guaranteed misery. In extreme but all-too-common situations, that misery can become the source of emotional and physical abuse. That’s no way for anyone—child or adult—to live.
Children don’t come with a How-To-Raise-Me training manual. That’s why there is a program like 1-2-3 Magic. The 1-2-3 program is currently being used all over the world by millions of parents (including single and divorced), teachers, grandparents, day care centers, babysitters, summer camp counselors, hospital staff, and other child caretakers, all of whom are working toward the goal of raising happy, healthy children.
The 1-2-3 program is also being taught and recommended by thousands of mental health professionals and pediatricians. At parent-teacher conferences, teachers recommend 1-2-3 Magic to the parents of their students (and sometimes parents recommend 1-2-3 Magic for Teachers to the teachers!).
Why all the enthusiasm? As one parent put it, “1-2-3 Magic was easy to learn and it gave me results. I went back to enjoying my kids and being the kind of mother I knew I could be.” More than twenty-five years after the launch of the program, we’re hearing from parents today who say, “My kids were great kids and now they’re nice adults. We enjoy being with them.”
1-2-3 Magic helps children grow up to be self-disciplined adults who are competent, happy, and able to get along with others. In other words, it helps produce emotionally intelligent people—people who can manage their own feelings as well as understand and respond to the emotions of others.
The methods described in this book are easy to master and you can start the program right away. Depending on whether you use the book, the audio CD, or the two DVDs, the technique takes about three to four hours to learn. Anyone can use 1-2-3 Magic—all it takes is determination and commitment!
How to Get Started
When you finish learning the 1-2-3 Magic program it is a good idea to start practicing it immediately. Talk with your spouse or partner, if both of you are living at home, and then get going right away. If you are a single parent, take a deep breath and then explain the drill to your children. Do the same thing if you’re a grandparent. If you don’t start right away, you may never get around to it.
After learning 1-2-3 Magic, you will know exactly what to do, what not to do, what to say, and what not to say in just about every one of the common, everyday problem situations you run into with your kids. Because 1-2-3 Magic is based on only a few basic but critical principles, you will not only be able to remember what to do, you will be able to do it when you are anxious, agitated, or otherwise upset (which for many of us parents is every day!). You will also be able to be a kind but effective parent when you are busy, in a hurry, or otherwise preoccupied.
What to Expect When You Begin the 1-2-3 Program
When you start 1-2-3 Magic, your relationship with your children will change quickly. But there is good news and bad news. The good news is that initially about half of all kids will fall into the “immediate cooperator” category. You start the program and they cooperate right away—sometimes “just like magic.” What do you do? Just relax and enjoy your good fortune!
The bad news is that the other half of the kids will fall into the “immediate tester” category. These children will get worse first. They will challenge you to see if you really mean business with your new parenting ideas. If you stick to your guns, however—no arguing, yelling, or hitting—you will get the vast majority of these little testers shaped up fairly well in about a week to ten days. Then what do you do? You start enjoying your children again.
Believe it or not, you may soon have a much more peaceful home and more enjoyable kids. You will go back to liking and respecting yourself as a parent—and it can all happen in the foreseeable future!
Before we get into the details of the 1-2-3 program and Parenting Job 1, controlling obnoxious behavior, we should identify some very important concepts that are the fundamental to understanding how 1-2-3 Magic works:
1.The most effective orientation to—or philosophy of—parenting (chapter 1).
2.The three basic parenting jobs (chapter 2).
3.The dangerous assumption parents, teachers, and other caretakers often make about young children (chapter 3).
4.The two biggest discipline mistakes made by adults (chapter 4).
PART I
Building a Solid Foundation for Parenting
CHAPTER 1
Orientation to the Parenting Profession
CHAPTER 2
Your Job as a Parent
CHAPTER 3
Challenging the Little Adult Assumption
CHAPTER 4
Avoiding the Two Biggest Discipline Mistakes
1
ORIENTATION TO THE PARENTING PROFESSION
How to Prepare for the World’s Most Important Job
THERE’S NO WAY TO know what parenting is like until you do it. Whatever thoughts you may have had about becoming a mom or a dad, bringing that first child home is a jolt—a big jolt. The only guarantee is that raising your child will be more difficult, and more rewarding, than you could ever have expected.
1-2-3 Magic is based on the idea that parenting should be looked at as a profession. In other words, some training will make the job much easier. But that training shouldn’t have to take years or involve bringing tons of books home from the library. One book should do it.
Ground Rules for Effective Parenting
The place to start is with your basic parenting philosophy—your overall orientation to the job, which provides the ground rules. Even though the job changes as the kids get older, effective parents have two important qualities. They are:
1.Warm and friendly on the one hand.
2.Demanding and firm on the other.
Being warm and friendly means taking care of kids’ emotional and physical needs. It means feeding them, keeping them safe, warm, and well clothed, and making sure they get enough sleep. Warmth and friendliness also mean being sensitive to the children’s feelings: sharing their joy over a new friend, comforting them when their ice cream falls on the ground, listening sympathetically when they’re angry at their teacher, and enjoying their company.
Being warm and friendly also means liking—not just loving—your children.
The other important parental trait, being demanding and firm, is meant in the good sense. Good parents expect something from their kids. They expect good behavior in school, respect toward adults, hard work on academics, effort in sports, and relationships with friends that include sharing and kindness. They expect their children to follow the rules, to do things for other people, and to sometimes confront issues that are hard or scary.
In other words, effective parents expect their children to rise to life’s challenges (as you know, there are plenty!) and to respect the rules and limits that will be required for their behavior.
These two parental orientations, warm-friendly and demanding-firm, might at first seem contradictory. They are not. Some situations call for one, some for the other, and some situations require both. For example, what if your daughter, Megan, slaps her brother, Jon? Time for the demanding side of parenting. But if Megan feeds the dog without being asked? Time for the warm side.
What if it’s time for bed? Both friendly and firm sides are necessary. The friendly side might mean snuggling in bed with a child for fifteen minutes of story time before lights-out. The demanding side, on the other hand, might mean requiring the kids to get ready for bed (teeth, bath or shower, pajamas, and so on) before story time can happen. And at nine o’clock, firm means lights-out. No ifs, ands, or buts.
The messages this parenting philosophy sends to children are:
1.Warm-friendly: I love you and I’ll take care of you.
2.Demanding-firm: I expect something from you.
Why are both the warm-friendly and demanding-firm attitudes toward your children necessary? For two reasons. The first reason is simple: fun! It would be nice if you could enjoy the children while they are growing up in your household. Kids are energetic, cute, exciting, and fun, and you can have great times with them you’ll never forget.
Key Concept
Research has shown that effective parents are warm and friendly on the one hand, but also demanding and firm on the other. Both orientations are critical to raising emotionally intelligent and mature kids.
The second reason is a bit sad. You want your children to grow up, leave home someday, and make it on their own. Warm and demanding, therefore, also means encouraging and respecting your kids’ growing independence. Friendly and firm means not hovering and not being overprotective. It means giving children a chance to do things more and more on their own as they get older. When our oldest walked five blocks to kindergarten on the first day of school, I was sure he was never coming back. He came back just fine, and I learned a lesson about independence and about his growing competence.
Automatic vs. Deliberate Parenting
You might say there are two kinds of parenting modes: automatic and deliberate. Automatic parenting includes the things you do spontaneously without really thinking (and with no real training), such as picking up and comforting a sobbing two-year-old who has just fallen down. Comforting an upset child is a positive example, but automatic parenting can also include actions that aren’t so useful, such as screaming at a seven-year-old who keeps getting out of bed because she says she hears a noise in her closet.
Here’s what you’ll want to do with the 1-2-3 Magic program:
1.Hang on to your positive automatic parenting habits. You’ll find that some of your beneficial parenting moves are already part of the program, such as being a good listener or praising your kids’ efforts.
2.Identify your automatic parenting habits that are harmful, useless, or upsetting. As you read through this book, decide how you’ll replace these negative actions with deliberate, respectful, and more useful 1-2-3 Magic strategies.
3.Practice, practice, practice! Work hard and thoughtfully until the new methods become automatic. Because 1-2-3 Magic works so well, it tends to be self-reinforcing, which makes the deliberate-to-automatic conversion much easier.
Automatic parenting includes another critically important activity that you do all the time: modeling. Children are great imitators, and they learn a lot by just watching the way you behave. If you are respectful toward others, your kids will tend to be the same. If you scream in fury during fits of road rage, on the other hand… Well, you get the idea.
Quik Tip
Identify your automatic parenting habits that are harmful, useless, or upsetting. As you read 1-2-3 Magic, decide how you’ll replace these negative actions with deliberate, respectful, and more useful strategies.
The goal, therefore, is effective, automatic parenting. This approach takes some concentration and effort in the beginning, but in the end it’s a whole lot less work. And you and your family are a whole lot better off!
CHAPTER SUMMARY
2
YOUR JOB AS A PARENT
Three Things You Can Do to Raise Happy, Healthy Kids
WE HAVE THREE SEPARATE parenting jobs that require different strategies. Each of these parenting jobs is distinct, manageable, and important. They also are interdependent; each relies to some extent on the others for its success. Ignore any of these tasks at your own risk! Do these three well, and you’ll be a pretty good mom or dad. The first two parenting jobs involve discipline and behavior concerns, while the third focuses on the parent-child relationship.
•Parenting Job 1 involves controlling obnoxious behavior. You will never like or get along well with your children if they are constantly irritating you with behavior such as whining, arguing, teasing, badgering, tantrums, yelling, and fighting. In this book you will learn how to use the 1-2-3 counting technique to control obnoxious behavior, and you will be pleasantly surprised at how effective that simple technique is!
•Parenting Job 2 involves encouraging good behavior. Encouraging good behavior—such as picking up toys, going to bed, being courteous, and doing homework—requires more effort by parents (and more effort from kids to engage in the encouraged behavior) than controlling difficult behavior does. In this book, you will learn seven simple methods for encouraging positive actions in your kids.
•Parenting Job 3 is strengthening your relationship with your children. Some parents merely need to be reminded of Parenting Job 3; other parents have to work hard at remembering to do it. Paying attention to the quality of your relationship with your children will help you with Jobs 1 and 2, and vice versa.
How do our three parenting jobs relate to the warm and demanding parenting traits? As you may have guessed already, the tactic for Job 1, controlling obnoxious behavior, depends almost entirely on the demanding parent role. There’s not much warm or fuzzy about it! Job 3, however, will rely almost entirely on the warm side of the parenting equation. And finally, Job 2, encouraging good behavior, will employ both warm and demanding strategies.
Quik Tip
Some parents only need a simple reminder about Parenting Job 3: strengthening your relationship with your children. However, other parents have to work hard at remembering to do it.
Stop vs. Start Behavior
When it comes to discipline, children present two basic problems to adults, and these two problems define the first two parenting tasks. When we are frustrated with our children, the kids are either (1) doing something negative we want them to Stop (like whining), or (2) not doing something positive we would like them to Start (like getting dressed). In 1-2-3 Magic, we call these two kinds of things “Stop” behavior and “Start” behavior. In the hustle and bustle of everyday existence, you may not have worried much about the difference between Start and Stop behaviors, but—as we’ll soon see—the distinction is extremely important.
Parenting Job 1: Controlling Obnoxious Behavior
Parenting Job 1, and the first step in getting your family back on track, is controlling your children’s obnoxious behavior, or Stop behavior. Stop behavior includes frequent, minor, everyday issues, such as whining, disrespect, tantrums, arguing, teasing, fighting, pouting, yelling, and so on. Stop behavior—in and of itself—ranges from mildly irritating to pretty obnoxious. Each of these difficult behaviors may not be so bad on its own, but add them all up in one afternoon and by 5:00 p.m. you may feel like hitchhiking to South America.
For Stop behavior, such as whining, arguing, screaming, and teasing, use the 1-2-3, or “counting” procedure. Counting is simple, gentle, and direct.
Strategies for Controlling Obnoxious Behavior
For Stop behavior, such as:
Whining
Teasing
Arguing
Pouting
Yelling
Tantrums
Use the 1-2-3 or “counting” procedure.
Parenting Job 2: Encouraging Positive Behavior
The second parenting job is to encourage your children’s positive behavior, or Start behavior. Start behavior includes positive activities like cleaning rooms, doing homework, practicing the piano, getting up and out in the morning, going to bed, eating supper, and being nice to other people. You have a Start behavior problem when your child is not doing something that would be a good thing to do.
For Start behavior problems, you will have a choice of seven tactics, which can be used either one at a time or in combination. These tactics are praise, simple requests, kitchen timers, the docking system, natural consequences, charting, and the counting variation. Start behavior strategies, as you can probably guess, require a little more thought and effort than counting does.
Strategies for Encouraging Good Behavior
For Start behavior, such as:
Picking up
Eating
Homework
Bedtime
Up and out in the morning
Use praise, simple requests, kitchen timers, the docking system, natural consequences, charting, and the counting variation.
Choosing Your Strategy
Why the difference in strategies between Parenting Jobs 1 and 2? The answer lies in the issue of motivation. If she is motivated, how long does it take a child to terminate an irritating Stop behavior like whining, arguing, or teasing? The answer is about one second. It’s really not a big project. Depending on how angry or oppositional a child is, ending an occurrence of obnoxious behavior doesn’t take tons of effort.
But now look at Start behavior. How long does it take a child to accomplish something constructive, like eating dinner? Maybe twenty to twenty-five minutes. To pick up after himself? Perhaps fifteen minutes. To get ready for bed? Twenty to thirty minutes. Ready for school? Thirty minutes. Homework? Schoolwork might take anywhere from forty minutes to three years. So it’s obvious that with Start behavior, more motivation is required from the child. He has to begin the project, keep at it, and then finish. And the project is often something the child is not thrilled about having to do in the first place.
In addition, if encouraging positive behavior in kids requires more motivation from the kids, it’s also going to require more motivation from Mom and Dad. As you’ll soon see, putting an end to Stop behavior by counting is relatively easy if you do it right. Start behavior requires more sophisticated tactics.
In managing a behavioral difficulty with one of your children, you will need to first determine if you have a Stop or a Start behavior problem. “Is the issue something I want the child to quit? Or is it something I want him or her to get going on?” Since counting is so easy, parents sometimes make the mistake of using counting for Start behavior (for example, counting a child to get her to do her homework).
As you will soon see, counting produces motivation that usually lasts only a short time (from a few seconds to a couple of minutes) in children and does not provide the lasting motivation needed to get a child to continue desired behavior. If you mix up your tactics (such as using the counting technique for homework), you will not get optimum results.
But don’t worry. This whole procedure is so simple that you’ll be an expert in no time. Effective discipline will start to come naturally and—believe it or not—your kids will start listening to you.
Parenting Job 3: Strengthening Your Relationships
Your final parenting job is to work on strengthening your relationship with your kids. This means making sure that screen time does not replace face-to-face time. More importantly, strengthening relationships means that you value enjoying one another’s company. It is critical to your family’s well-being and to your kids’ self-esteem that you like (not just love) your children.
What does “liking” your children mean? Here’s an example. It’s a Saturday and you’re home by yourself for a few hours—a rare occurrence! Everyone has gone out. You’re listening to some music and just puttering around. You hear a noise outside and look out to see a car pulling up in the driveway. One of your kids gets out and heads for the front door.
How do you feel in your gut right at that moment? If it’s “Oh no, the fun’s over!” that may not be like. If it’s “Oh good, I’ve got some company!” that’s more like like.
Liking your children and having a good relationship with them is important for lots of reasons. The most important reason may be that it’s simply more fun. Kids are naturally cute and enjoyable a lot of the time, and you want to take advantage of that valuable quality. And they only grow up with you once.
Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationships:
Practice sympathetic listening
Avoid over-parenting
Join in one-on-one fun
Solve problems together
Next up? In chapter 3 we’ll examine the strange and amazingly disruptive idea that adults carry around in their brains about small children.
CHAPTER SUMMARY
Have you ever felt overwhelmed by the importance and magnitude of the job of parenting? From now on, just focus on managing difficult behavior, promoting positive behavior, and strengthening relationships. That focus will make the task feel much more manageable. The rest of the time? Just be yourself!
3
CHALLENGING THE LITTLE ADULT ASSUMPTION
Why You Need to Remember That Kids Are Just Kids
THERE IS AN ENCHANTING but troublesome idea that parents and teachers carry around in their heads about young children. This naive assumption—or wish—causes not only discipline failures, but also stormy scenes that can include physical child abuse. The idea we’re talking about is known as the “Little Adult Assumption.”
The Little Adult Assumption is the belief that kids are basically reasonable and unselfish. In other words, they’re just smaller versions of grown-ups. And because they are little adults, the reasoning goes, whenever children misbehave, the problem must be that they don’t have enough information in their heads to be able to do the right thing. The solution? Simply give them the facts.
Imagine, for example, that at exactly 4:12 p.m. your eight-year-old son is teasing his five-year-old sister for the eighteenth time since they got home from school. What should you do? If your boy is a little adult, you simply sit him down, calmly look him in the eye, and explain to him the three golden reasons why he shouldn’t tease his sister. First of all, teasing hurts her. Second, it makes you mad at him. Third—and most important—how would he feel if someone treated him like that?
Now imagine further that after this explanation your son looks at you—his face brightening with insight—and he says, “Gee, I never looked at it like that before!” Then he stops bothering his sibling for the rest of his life. That would certainly be nice, but any veteran parent or teacher knows that doesn’t happen. Kids are not little adults.
The crucial point here is this: grown-ups who want to believe the Little Adult Assumption are going to rely heavily on words and reasons in dealing with young kids. And by themselves, words and reasons are going to be miserable failures much of the time. Sometimes explanations will have absolutely no impact at all. At other times adult attempts at enlightenment will take parent and child through what we call the “Talk-Persuade-Argue-Yell-Hit Syndrome.”
Quik Tip
Adults who believe in the Little Adult Assumption are going to rely heavily on words and reasons in trying to change the behavior of young kids. And words and reasons are going to be miserable failures much of the time.
Imagine this: your child is doing something you don’t like. A parenting book said you should talk the problem out no matter how long it takes. So you try telling your five-year-old daughter why she shouldn’t be disrespectful. She doesn’t respond, so you next try to persuade her to see things your way. When persuasion fails, you start arguing. Arguing leads to a yelling match, and when that fails, you may feel there is nothing left to do but hit her to get the results you want.
Actually, the vast majority of the time when parents scream, hit, and spank their children, the parent is simply having a temper tantrum. The tantrum is a sign that (1) the parent doesn’t know what to do, (2) the parent is so frustrated that he or she can’t see straight, and (3) this adult may have an anger-management problem.