ABOUT THE BOOK
BENEDICK
I am man enough to say that I love thee. Is that not strange?
BEATRICE
Not really . . .
BENEDICK
By my sword, Beatrice, thou lovest me.
BEATRICE
Get over yourself.
BENEDICK
But you do love me, don’t you?
BEATRICE
OK, OK, if you insist. I love you. Now how are you going to prove it?
BENEDICK
You tell me.
BEATRICE
By killing Claudio, half-wit.
BENEDICK
I’m not sure I love you quite that much . . .
Much Ado About Nothing – very much shorter and more playful than you’ve known it before.
The Incomplete Shakespeare is a new series of the Bard’s greatest plays, pared down to the essentials and with invaluable side-notes from John Sutherland.
Hilarious for those who know their Shakespeare, perfect for the theatre-goer needing a quick recap – and a massive relief for those just desperate to pass their English exam.
This ebook contains footnotes which can be viewed on all devices. If your device doesn’t support pop up text, please use the link to move between the text and footnote. Click the footnote number to return to the text.
CONTENTS
COVER
ABOUT THE BOOK
TITLE PAGE
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
ACT 1, SCENE 1
ACT 1, SCENE 2
ACT 1, SCENE 3
ACT 2, SCENE 1
ACT 2, SCENE 2
ACT 2, SCENE 3
ACT 3, SCENE 1
ACT 3, SCENE 2
ACT 3, SCENE 3
ACT 3, SCENE 4
ACT 3, SCENE 5
ACT 4, SCENE 1
ACT 4, SCENE 2
ACT 5, SCENE 1
ACT 5, SCENE 2
ACT 5, SCENE 3
ACT 5, SCENE 4
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
COPYRIGHT
1 No one much likes the title of this play, for which Shakespeare may not have been responsible (we don’t know; no posters have survived). King Charles I spoke for all discriminating admirers when he crossed out ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ on the title page of his Folio copy and replaced it with ‘Beatrice and Benedick’.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE22
LEONATO | governor of Messina (appointed by Spain) |
BEATRICE | niece of Leonato (resident in Leonato’s household the past year) |
HERO | daughter of Leonato |
DON PEDRO | prince of Arragon |
BENEDICK | gentleman of Padua, in the Court of Don Pedro |
DON JOHN | Don Pedro’s bastard brother, recently reconciled to him after a war |
CLAUDIO | a count of Florence, in the court of Don Pedro |
ANTONIO | Leonato’s brother, an old man |
CONRADE | associate of Don John |
BORACHIO | associate of Don John |
BALTHASAR | musician in the service of Don Pedro |
MARGARET | gentlewoman in Leonato’s household |
URSULA | gentlewoman in Leonato’s household |
DOGBERRY | constable of Messina |
VERGES, SEACOAL | watchmen, reporting to Dogberry |
FRIAR FRANCIS | a priest |
SEXTON | a cleric |
ACT 1, SCENE 1
Messina, Leonato’s house
LEONATO
I learn in this letter that Don Pedro of Arragon comes this night to Messina.33
MESSENGER
Indeed, my lord, he is but three leagues hence.44
LEONATO
How many gentlemen have you lost in this battle?55
MESSENGER
None of any note.
LEONATO
A victory is always so much sweeter when it’s only the plebs that die. I hear that Claudio acquitted himself well.66 His uncle will be pleased.77
BEATRICE
I pray you, sir, is Signor Humpty returned from the wars?88
MESSENGER
I’m not sure who you’re talking about.
HERO
My cousin means Signor Benedick.99
MESSENGER
Oh yes, he’s back.
BEATRICE
How is love’s dream? Are all his loves still dreams? And how many hath he killed?
MESSENGER
He did good service, lady. He is a man stuffed with virtues.
BEATRICE
He is a valiant trencherman; he hath an excellent stomach.1010
MESSENGER
Are you calling him fat?
LEONATO
Take no notice. My niece always goes on like this with Signor Benedick. It is a skirmish of wit between them.1111
BEATRICE
Faith that it were. In our last conflict, Benedick lost four of his five wits.1212 By now, I fear he is but half a wit. Pray tell me, who is his new best friend forever? He hath a new one every month.
MESSENGER
He spends much time with Claudio.
BEATRICE
You mean he clings to him like a rash. Pray God, Claudio has a decent supply of antibiotics.1313
MESSENGER
Don Pedro is approaching.
Enter Don Pedro, Claudio, Benedick and
Don John the bastard1414
DON PEDRO
You really shouldn’t have gone to so much trouble . . .1515
LEONATO
It’s my pleasure to near bankrupt myself entertaining you.1616
DON PEDRO
Is this your daughter?1717
LEONATO
So my wife says . . .1818
BENEDICK
And what say you?
BEATRICE
Oh God, look who it isn’t. I was hoping you might have got yourself killed.
BENEDICK
Not you again. I can’t help it if all the ladies love me . . .
BEATRICE
All but me . . .
BENEDICK
Thank God for small mercies. For I have yet to meet a woman who can touch my heart.
BEATRICE
You’re just a commitment phobe.
BENEDICK
Me? Me, the commitment phobe? You’re the one with commitment issues.
BEATRICE
How do you work that one out? I was the one to whom you gave the ‘I’m sorry, it’s not you, it’s me’ crap last time.
BENEDICK
Jeez. I was only trying to be nice. It was you, not me, all along. I know what you’re like. You came on all sweet but I could tell you didn’t mean it.
BEATRICE
So you dumped me . . .
BENEDICK
That’s a bit harsh . . .
BEATRICE
But fair . . .
BENEDICK
I merely got the dumping in first before you dumped me. In any case, there was a war coming up . . .
BEATRICE
And thank God for that. If not for your survival.1919
LEONATO
Enough. I invite all of you to stay with me for a month. (To Don John) And it’s good to see you reconciled with your brother.2020
DON JOHN
Thank you. I don’t say a lot.2121
LEONATO
I can see that.
Exeunt all but Benedick and Claudio
CLAUDIO
Did you note the daughter of Leonato?2222
BENEDICK
I might have done.
CLAUDIO
And what did you think?
BENEDICK
Honestly? A B-minus at best. She’s not my sort.
CLAUDIO
Well, I think she’s hot.2323
BENEDICK
You’re mad. Even the gobby Beatrice is more of a looker than that minger Hero.
CLAUDIO
Well, I do love her and mean to make her my wife.2424
BENEDICK
Please yourself. Ah look, Don Pedro is back.
Enter Don Pedro
DON PEDRO
What are you two up to?
BENEDICK
This idiot says he is in love and wants to get married to Hero.
DON PEDRO
She seems decent enough.2525
CLAUDIO
’Tis true, I love her with all my heart.
BENEDICK
Oh spare us the saccharine. If I do ever tell you I am in love then I give you permission to kill me. Does no one but me want to remain a bachelor?
DON PEDRO
You say that now. But I do wager that within a month you’ll be under some woman’s thumb. Now run along and tell Leonato that I’ll be joining him for dinner presently.2626
BENEDICK
Carry on like this and you’ll give me the horn.2727 I tell you, I’m not getting married.
DON PEDRO
Yeah, yeah. Yadda, yadda.
Exit Benedick
CLAUDIO
My liege, your highness now may do me good.2828
DON PEDRO
Thou speak’st in verse; I guess thou art in love.
I’ll gladly help, just tell me what thou wantst.2929
CLAUDIO
Before the war, Hero I did quite like,
But now I find her hand doth come with cash
My heart doth soar, my loins are filled with love,
Or something close to delicate desires.3030
DON PEDRO
Her father will not mind, of that I’m sure,
I’ll have a word and she will be your wife.3131
CLAUDIO
In truth, my lord, I am a little shy,
I am not versed in ways of courtly love.
Though I love her, what if she loves not me?
DON PEDRO
Here’s what I’ll do: at the masked ball tonight
I will assume thy part in some disguise
And tell fair Hero I am Claudio.3232
And since she’s bound to say that she loves thee,
Then Bob’s your uncle, she will be your bride.
ACT 1, SCENE 2
Leonato’s house
Enter Leonato and his brother Antonio3333
LEONATO
How’s tricks, brother?
ANTONIO
You’ll never guess what. One of my servants overheard Don Pedro telling Claudio how much he fancied your daughter and that he was planning to try it on with her at the dance tonight.3434
LEONATO
Mmm. I wouldn’t call that a wholly reliable source, but I’ll go and tell Hero just in case.3535
ACT 1, SCENE 3
Outside Leonato’s house3636
Enter Don John the bastard and Conrade his companion
CONRADE
Why the long face?
DON JOHN
What’s to be happy about?
CONRADE
You could at least pretend to be enjoying yourself. Your brother is making a big effort to be nice to you.
DON JOHN
That’s just making things worse. I can’t stand having to appear grateful when he’s being so patronising.3737
CONRADE
That’s a bit harsh.
DON JOHN
Tough.
Enter Borachio3838
BORACHIO
Top gossip. I was hiding behind the arras – as you do – when I overheard Don Pedro saying he would woo Hero on Claudio’s behalf.3939
DON JOHN
Suddenly I feel a bit more cheerful. I loathe Mr Perfect Claudio and here’s my chance to wreck his chances. Here’s to everyone getting food poisoning at dinner.
BORACHIO
Cheers.4040