ABOUT THE BOOK
‘Alas, poor Yorick! He looks not at all well.
I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest,
Though sadly finite breath.
Though thy gibes be still, yet still thou grins;
I seldom saw thy teeth look quite so clean.’
HAMLET – very much shorter and more playful than you’ve known it before.
The Incomplete Shakespeare is a new series of the Bard’s greatest plays, pared down to the essentials and with invaluable side-notes from John Sutherland.
Hilarious for those who know their Shakespeare, perfect for the theatre-goer needing a quick recap – and a massive relief for those just desperate to pass their English exam.
This ebook contains footnotes which can be viewed on all devices. If your device doesn’t support pop up text, please use the link to move between the text and footnote. Click the footnote number to return to the text.
CONTENTS
COVER
ABOUT THE BOOK
TITLE PAGE
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
ACT 1, SCENE 1
ACT 1, SCENE 2
ACT 1, SCENE 3
ACT 1, SCENE 4
ACT 1, SCENE 5
ACT 2, SCENE 1
ACT 2, SCENE 2
ACT 3, SCENE 1
ACT 3, SCENE 2
ACT 3, SCENE 3
ACT 3, SCENE 4
ACT 4, SCENE 1
ACT 4, SCENE 2
ACT 4, SCENE 3
ACT 4, SCENE 4
ACT 4, SCENE 5
ACT 4, SCENE 6
ACT 4, SCENE 7
ACT 5, SCENE 1
ACT 5, SCENE 2
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
COPYRIGHT
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
OLD HAMLET | king of Denmark for thirty years |
YOUNG HAMLET | king of Denmark for thirty seconds |
CLAUDIUS | king of Denmark for five months (max) |
FORTINBRAS | Norwegian king of Denmark for who knows how long |
GERTRUDE | wife to any king of Denmark currently available |
HORATIO | Hamlet’s best friend from Wittenberg |
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN | no longer Hamlet’s best friends from Wittenberg |
POLONIUS | Claudius’s Lord Chamberlain |
LAERTES | Polonius’s son |
OPHELIA | Polonius’s wronged daughter |
OSRIC | dandyish man about the court, crooked as a three-ducat piece |
THE REST | various ‘men’ (hirelings), ‘players’ (actors) and sundries, including a captain and kettledrum players. |
ACT 1, SCENE 1
The battlements of Elsinore castle11
Enter Barnardo and Francisco22
BARNARDO
Who’s there?33
FRANCISCO
It’s me.
BARNARDO
I know it is. But you’re meant to use the password.
FRANCISCO
What password?
BARNARDO
‘Long live the king.’44
FRANCISCO
Why didn’t you say so earlier?
BARNARDO
’Tis now struck twelve, so get thee off to bed,
Leave me to freeze my nuts off on these walls.55
Exit Francisco
BARNARDO
I hear a noise. What people this way come?
Enter Horatio and Marcellus
BARNARDO
Welcome, Horatio; welcome, good Marcellus.66
MARCELLUS
What, has this thing appeared again tonight?77
BARNARDO
I have seen nothing.
MARCELLUS
Horatio says ’tis but our fantasy,
And so I’ve brought him to these wretched steps
So he can witness it with his own eyes.88
HORATIO
I merely said you both spend too much time
Watching The Bridge and other Scandi noir.99
Enter ghost
MARCELLUS
Enough of that. Look where it comes again.1010
BARNARDO
’Tis a dead ringer for our dear dead king.
HORATIO
What art thou that usurp’st this time of night,
In the same armour our late king did wear?
Stay! Speak, speak! I charge thee, speak!1111
Exit ghost
MARCELLUS
The ghost hath gone and answer made it none.1212
HORATIO
That much I hath seen clearly for myself,
There is no need to state the obvious.
Since it did wear the very same armour
In which our good king Hamlet fought Norway,
Then surely Denmark must be in the mire.1313
MARCELLUS
Since you’re the brains, I’ll put my trust in you
To tell me why a ghost foretells such doom.
HORATIO
’Tis time to fill thee in on our history:
When Hamlet killed Norway’s King Fortinbras,
Young Fortinbras did swear to vengeance take
And reclaim Denmark for his father’s sake.1414
MARCELLUS
So you think Hamlet to these walls doth come
To tell us what thou hast already guessed?
HORATIO
Readest Will Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar
And thou would’st know the presence of a ghost
Is ne’er a harbinger of aught but doom.1515
Enter ghost
HORATIO
But soft, behold! Lo, where it comes again!
I’ll see if I can have another word.
Ghost spreads its arms
HORATIO
I beg thee speak; tell me our country’s fate.1616
The cock crows1717
HORATIO
Speak, phantasm, do not run away!
Exit ghost
MARCELLUS
You did it wrong by being so abrupt,
A little more polite you should have been.
HORATIO
Ere the cock crew it was about to speak,
But then it fled so best to ’scape the dawn.
But look, the morn in russet mantle clad
Walks o’er the dew of yon eastward hill.
Methinks ’tis best to go and warn Hamlet
That his dead dad is still in Elsinore.1818
Exeunt
ACT 1, SCENE 2
The great hall of Elsinore castle
Enter Claudius, Gertrude, Hamlet, Polonius, Laertes, Ophelia, Cornelius,1919 Voltemand
CLAUDIUS
Though we do grieve for this our brother’s death
And feel quite sorry for young Hamlet’s loss,
It can’t be good to drown in self-pity;2020
Thus we have cheered ourselves by getting wed
To Gertrude, whom I once ‘dear sis’ did call.
So I am king and she can still be queen,
A nigh-on-perfect nuclear family
That is content to use the royal ‘we’.
All that is left to do is calm Norway
And then we can enjoy our reign in peace.
You, good Cornelius, and you, Voltemand,
Hie thee away to chat to Fortinbras
And try to keep him off our Danish ass.
Exeunt Cornelius and Voltemand
CLAUDIUS
And now, Laertes, what’s the news with you?
We hear thou hast a question of the king.
LAERTES
Now that your coronation is all done,
I beg your leave to make return to France.2121
CLAUDIUS
What says your dad? What says Polonius?2222
POLONIUS
Though normally a windbag, I’ll be brief:
I have given Laertes my consent.2323
CLAUDIUS
Go, Laertes, make speed to the Rive Gauche.
But now my cousin Hamlet, and my son—2424
HAMLET (aside)
A little more than kin, and less than kind.2525
CLAUDIUS
Do try to smile; things are not all that bad.
GERTRUDE
Indeed, my son, make not to be so sad.
Thou surely knows that every life must end,
And thy dear father had a good innings.
HAMLET
I do not dress in black just to impress
How much I miss my dad now he is dead.
My grief’s more deep than any passing shroud,
’Tis more like a life-threatening malaise.2626
CLAUDIUS
Come on, old boy, do try and get a grip.
Your grief has time and place and this ain’t it.
When all is said and done, your dad’s no more.
These things do happen; just get over it.
To give you cheer, I’ll tell you what we’ll do.
I’ll make you our successor to the throne;
Fairer than that, I really cannot say.
Just one condition I do make of thee:
Thou don’t return to school in Germany.2727
HAMLET
I shall obey and not to uni go.2828
CLAUDIUS
Thou art most kind, I thank thee for thy pledge.
Now try to have some fun; be not a drudge.2929
Exeunt all but Hamlet
HAMLET
O that this too too solid flesh would melt3030
Thaw and resolve itself into a dew.
Or that the Everlasting had not fixed
His canon ’gainst self-slaughter.3131 O God! God!
How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable
Seem to me all the uses of this world!
’Tis but two months since my dear dad hath passed,
And yet my mum to Claudius is wed
And romps quite freely in the lech’s bed.3232
Let me not think on’t; frailty, thy name is woman!3333
Yet I must hold my tongue, not say a word.
Enter Horatio, Marcellus and Barnardo
HAMLET
’Tis good to see thee back from Wittenberg;
But what is your affair in Elsinore?
HORATIO
A bit of this and that and nothing more.3434
HAMLET
Methinks you came to see my mother wed.
HORATIO
Well, it did merge into the funeral
Of thy dear father, whom I lovest well.
Talking of which, these men did see a ghost
They swore was a dead ringer for your pa.
And when last night I joined them on their watch,
I must admit the same thought I did have.3535
HAMLET
What, looked he frowningly?
HORATIO
A countenance more in sorrow than in anger.3636
HAMLET
Pray tell me more. What look was in his eye?
What did he tell thee of his ghostly state?3737
HORATIO
Though I implored him, he refused to speak
And beetled off the moment the cock crowed.
I beg you, this night, join us on our guard.
Perhaps he will to his son offer words.
HAMLET
That will I do, I’ll see you three anon.
Exeunt all but Hamlet
HAMLET
If father armed be, all cannot be well.
Foul play there hath been in this Danish hell.3838
Exit
ACT 1, SCENE 3
Elsinore, a private room
Enter Laertes and his sister Ophelia
LAERTES
My bags are packed, I come to say farewell,
Though first I must give thee some good advice
About young Hamlet: he is not your type.3939
OPHELIA
Be not my aunt of agony. Be gone!
LAERTES
Forgive me, sis, I have to speak my mind.
I do believe that Hamlet is a cad
Who wants you for your body, not your mind.
Being of royal blood, he’ll not you wed
Though if you let him, he’ll take you to bed.
Remember, then, always to constant be
And let him not sweet-talk you to undress.4040
OPHELIA
Why, thanks for nothing, bruv. I’m not a slut
And I do think that Hamlet loves me well.
Methinks the pot doth call the kettle black,
For thou wilt get thy end away abroad.
LAERTES
Is that the time? I really must be off.4141
Enter Polonius
POLONIUS
Yet here, Laertes? Aboard, aboard, for shame!
Keep these few precepts in thy memory.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Do not a quarrel make, yet if thou finds
A bloke bears arms at thee, do not back down.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to anyone.4242
LAERTES
Dear father, you don’t half go on and on,
Yet I would not deny thy poetry.
And with that thought, I bid you both adieu.
Exit Laertes
POLONIUS
Tell me, sweet daughter, what your bruv did say?4343
OPHELIA
I’m sure that it will come as no surprise;
He begged me no more see my prince Hamlet.
POLONIUS
I do concur with mine own son’s advice,
For Hamlet is a bad lad, no mistake.
The prince doth want one thing, one thing alone;
He doth not care about thy innocence.
Though he may tell thee that he doth love thee,
’Tis in thy pants he really wants to be.
Thou wilt not ever be a royal bride.
I do beseech thee, keep him at arm’s length.
Exeunt
ACT 1, SCENE 4
The gun platform
Enter Hamlet, Horatio and Marcellus
HORATIO
We’ll catch our death here high up on this keep.
HAMLET
Ay, that we will, ’tis freezing cold for sure.
Yet ’t’will be worth it if the ghost doth come.4444
HORATIO
What noise is that which comes from down below?
HAMLET
Why ’tis my uncle and his loyal men;
Each night they getteth pissed, till they can’t stand.
It is an affliction well known to Danes,
Give them a drink and they’ll get out of hand.4545
Enter ghost
HORATIO
See there, my lord, this way the ghost doth come.
HAMLET
Angels and ministers of grace defend us!
Thou hast told the truth, I know that now,
It is the very image of my dad.4646
What can it mean? His corpse hath left the grave
To cast a spectral presence ’fore our eyes?
I would, I will have words and speak with him.
Ghost beckons Hamlet
HORATIO
It beckons you to go away with it.
MARCELLUS
Stay here, my lord, it is a threatening ghost.
If it nearer comes, I’ll run it through.
HAMLET
It will not speak unless I follow it.
HORATIO
Do not go, I beg thee, noble lord.4747
What if it is not friendly after all,
And merely seeks to throw you from the cliff?4848
HAMLET
Why should I fear my own mortality
When mine own soul for e’er immortal be?
I beg you do not stop me. Unhand me!
Now with my father’s spirit I will go.
MARCELLUS
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
Exeunt Hamlet and ghost
HORATIO
On your head be it. I’ll keep watch from here.
Exeunt
ACT 1, SCENE 5
The walls of Elsinore castle
Enter ghost and Hamlet
HAMLET
Where wilt thou lead me? Speak. I’ll go no further.
GHOST
Mark me.4949
HAMLET
I will.
GHOST
My time is almost come,
When I to flames of purgatory must go.
For ere I died, I never had the chance
To confess my sins and receive God’s grace.5050