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First published in the United States of America by Portfolio/Penguin, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC 2017

First published in Great Britain by Portfolio 2017

Copyright © Vanessa Van Edwards, 2017

Photo credits: Courtesy of the author: here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here; Maggie Kirkland / Honeysuckle Photography: here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here; Courtesy of Brennan Pothetes: here; Courtesy of Iconcrafts: here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here; Courtesy of Emily McDowell / Emily McDowell Studio: here; Courtesy of George Hodan / Public Domain Pictures, courtesy of wjgomes / Pixabay: here; Courtesy of Unsplash, courtesy of savannaholson0 / Pixabay: here; Courtesy of ntrung via Foter.com / CC BY-ND, courtesy of TawnyNina / Pixabay: here; Courtesy of PublicDomainPictures / Pixabay, courtesy of Pezibear / Pixabay: here; Courtesy of Gromovataya / Pixabay, courtesy of 61015 / Pixabay: here; Courtesy of NGDPhotoworks / Pixabay, courtesy of LiveLaughLove / Pixabay: here; Courtesy of zeitfaenger.at via Foter.com / CC BY, courtesy of Orin Zebest via Foter.com / CC BY: here; Courtesy of Proprofs: here; Courtesy of Richard Florida: here; Courtesy of Frank Warren / PostSecret: here, here

While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers, internet addresses and other contact information at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content

The moral right of the author has been asserted

Illustration by Christopher DeLorenzo

ISBN: 978-0-241-98141-2

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Vanessa Van Edwards is an interpersonal intelligence expert and public speaker. Her behaviour research lab ‘The Science of People’ has been featured in Fast Company, Inc., Men’s Health, Forbes and on Fox News. She is a monthly columnist for Entrepreneur; the leading instructor in people skills on Udemy and CreativeLive; and has led training sessions at a number of Fortune 500 companies around the world. She lives in Portland, Oregon.

CAPTIVATE

‘Everything Vanessa does is captivating, but this book is her masterpiece. Nearly every page contains surprising insights and practical tips to help you succeed more in life’ Chris Guillebeau, author of The Happiness of Pursuit and host of Side Hustle School

‘If you’ve ever thought “I hope they have a dog at this dinner party so that I don’t have to talk to anyone”, read this book. Hello Captivate, goodbye awkward moments’ Jon Acuff, author of Do Over

‘There is a big difference between faking your way into building relationships and deeply understanding the science of what makes people tick so that you can naturally and effectively connect with them. Captivate teaches this science in a fun and accessible way, so that you apply the learning in your everyday life, growing your network, influence and impact’ Pamela Slim, author of Body of Work

‘This book is rewarding regardless of your level of skill in getting along with others’ Art Markman, PhD, co-author of Brain Briefs

‘Captivate is packed full of useful information for anyone interested in improving their social skills – it’s a must-read’ Joe Navarro, former FBI agent, body-language expert and author of What Every BODY is Saying

‘In Captivate, Vanessa Van Edwards has not only decoded the secret formula for what makes people tick, she also explains how to harness and put the latest people science into action’ Jordan Harbinger, founder of The Art of Charm

‘Full of helpful tips, actionable anecdotes and fascinating research, Captivate is the consummate wingman (or woman) – a book you’ll hear whispering in your ears, giving you social superpowers’ Jenny Blake, author of Pivot

‘Vanessa Van Edwards is pure gold, and this book is an invaluable guide to harnessing the science of what makes people tick. A must-read if you want to use its power for good inside your company, cause or career’ Chase Jarvis, CEO of CreativeLive

Dedicated to anyone who has ever felt awkward in a social situation.

You are so not alone.

Any references to ‘writing in this book’ refer to the original printed version. Readers should write on a separate piece of paper in these instances.

Introduction

Hi, my name is Vanessa, and I’m a recovering awkward person.

At school dances, I’d volunteer to watch the punch bowl. Growing up, if a cool kid accidentally bumped into me, I would start hiccupping uncontrollably. When my family got AOL, my first IM buddy was the school nurse. In second grade I tried to get a permanent dismissal from PE by saying I had menopause pains. If only Google had been around in those days.

To prove it, as painful as it is, I present Exhibit A, a photo of me circa 1993:

As you can see, I went for “helmet hair” without actually playing a sport requiring a helmet—or any sport, frankly—while clinging to the belief that nothing complements a baggy T-shirt quite like a sharp vest. A plaid one, though truthfully I wasn’t too picky in the vest department.

On particularly socially anxious days, I would break out in hives right before walking into school and wear long sleeves and pants to cover my swollen, red, itchy limbs. As you might have guessed, the rashes covering my face and scalp didn’t help my popularity rankings.

It wasn’t all bad, though. On Valentine’s Day, my teachers gave me cards.

HUMAN BEHAVIOR HACKING

It’s an understatement to say that people skills did not come naturally to me. I had to learn them the hard way, so I could teach them to you the easy way. Here’s how it happened: Early on, I figured out that I could learn human behavior just like I studied for math or foreign language tests. I made facial expression flash cards, looked for small-talk patterns, and tried to spot the hidden emotions of my teachers—although that last one sometimes got me into trouble!

I read everything I could get my hands on about people—psychology textbooks, sociological studies, and every human behavior book ever written. Eventually, I began to create my own tests and experiments. For one mini-experiment, I created flash cards of conversation starters based on studies of dopamine, carried them in my purse, tried them on strangers, and then catalogued their reactions. For another, I tried to adopt the alpha body language moves of chimps to see if people would mirror me (that one did NOT work). In yet another, I used persuasion techniques in a business pitch competition to see if I could game the system.

On a whim, I decided to document all of my misadventures and takeaways as a human guinea pig on a blog, ScienceofPeople.com. To my surprise and delight, I found I wasn’t the only person struggling to get along with people. As our articles started to pop up all over the web and our videos began going viral, we caught the attention of media outlets like NPR, Inc., and Forbes, which covered our unique approach. This is when I decided to do larger research experiments and turn Science of People into a human behavior lab.

In our lab, we start every endeavor by finding the latest scientific studies and then turn them into real-life experiments and tactics. We then share these strategies with our readers and students to test them. In this way, each skill in this book has already been refined by thousands of students who have used them in real-life situations and reported their results back to us to perfect.

This method is our secret sauce:

• Step One: Find fascinating research.
• Step Two: Create actionable real-life strategies.
• Step Three: Test, tweak, and perfect.
• Repeat.

I call our approach behavior hacking. Over the last eight years, I have developed shortcuts, formulas, and blueprints for getting along with anyone. Our unique approach has reached millions of students through our online courses and in-person workshops. I’ve helped corporate teams at Fortune 500 companies increase their interpersonal intelligence, singles make connections at speed-dating workshops, and entrepreneurs win pitch competitions using science-based behavior hacks. My columns and appearances in the Huffington Post, in Forbes, and on CNN are seen all over the world by people who want to improve their relationships.

We have streamlined all of our best findings into a universal framework that makes up this book. Each chapter of Captivate will teach you one of the fourteen behavior hacks. These are simple, powerful tools that you can use to level up your career, improve your relationships, and increase your income.

WHAT YOU WILL LEARN

This book will teach you how people work. If you know exactly what makes people tick, you can optimize your behavior, interactions, and relationships. Trying to get along with people without a framework is a bit like solving complex math problems without any equations. It’s both difficult and involves a heck of a lot of unnecessary suffering along the way. This book will give you the people skills you never learned in school.

As diverse as we all seem on the outside, our inner workings are quite similar—if not eerily predictable. There are hidden rules to human behavior. We just have to find where to look.

Part I is all about helping you master the first five minutes of any interaction—starting a conversation and creating instant likability. First impressions are fundamental to everything else I can teach you.

In Part II, I will teach you skills that will help you get to know someone better in the first five hours of any interaction. My system for speed-reading people and decoding behavior will help you whether you are on the first five dates or in the first five meetings. I call this system the matrix—it doesn’t involve Keanu Reeves, but it’s just as cool. This is what happens when you want to level up a casual connection to something deeper.

Part III is about the first five days. In order to get to know someone on a deeper level, you have to learn how to influence people, lead teams, and increase your impact with everyone you meet. This is the ultimate level of connection and the final and most advanced step for interacting with people.

You can also keep your eyes peeled for Fast Facts, where we pulled in data from our Twitter polls and online surveys that are relevant to the content. They look like this:

FAST FACT BOX

Our Twitter poll indicated that 96 percent of users believe people skills are a bigger contributor to career success than technical skills.

You will also see that we reference our “Digital Bonuses.” These are sections of the book that have corresponding videos, photos, and exercises to help you learn as you go. Get all of the resources at www.ScienceofPeople.com/toolbox.

Here’s my promise: Learning people skills will change your life. Developing your PQ—or interpersonal intelligence—is like adding a catalyst to your success. By the end of the book you will be able to engage anyone you meet in memorable conversation. You will know how to leave a lasting first impression with clients, colleagues, and friends. And you will have more confidence, control, and charisma in all of your interactions.

• People with high PQ make on average $29,000 more per year than people with average PQ.
• 90 percent of top business performers have high PQ.
• Individuals with strong interpersonal communication report being 42 percent happier and more fulfilled with their lives.

I joke that people skills are the social lubricant of life. When you understand the laws of human behavior, everything goes more smoothly:

Professionally, you will know how to negotiate a raise, connect with colleagues, build rapport at networking events, and nail your elevator pitch.

Socially, you will make unforgettable first impressions, reduce relationship drama, enjoy stronger and more supportive friendships, and get along with everyone you meet.

Romantically, you will impress your dates, deepen your relationships, flirt authentically, and prevent partner miscommunications.

Bottom line: There is a science to winning friends and influencing people, and learning it will completely change the way you interact.

Let the adventure begin!

YOUR PQ SCORE

In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and—SNAP—the job’s a game.

—Mary Poppins

I have developed the following quiz to test your people skills, or your PQ. This quiz will help you assess your current level of interpersonal intelligence. The good news is our PQ can be improved, stretched, and hacked. No matter where you are now, each hack you learn in this book will help get your PQ up.

We will take this test again at the end of the book, and my goal is to help you level up your score by at least fifty points.

Ready? Play.

The PQ Test

1. Which smile is real?
   
2. Where is the best place to stand at a networking event?
   1. Near the entrance to the event
   2. At the food table so you can sit with people
   3. Where people exit the bar
   4. Next to someone you know
3. What does this face mean?

1. Amused
2. Sad
3. Bored
4. Contemptuous

4. Which saying about people is most true?
   1. “Opposites attract.”
   2. “Birds of a feather flock together.”
   3. “One bad apple spoils the bunch.”
   4. “Never bite the hand that feeds you.”
5. How much of our personality comes from our genes?
   1. Very little. Our personality is mostly formed by how we are raised.
   2. 35 percent to 50 percent
   3. 55 percent to 75 percent
   4. A lot. Our personality is mostly formed by our genetics and DNA.
6. The best way to show someone you care about them is to:
   1. Tell them all the reasons they are awesome
   2. Get them a gift
   3. Do their to-do list for them
   4. All of the above
   5. It’s different for each person
7. Which phrase corresponds best with this facial expression?
   
   1. It smells weird in here.
   2. This makes me angry.
   3. I’m confused.
   4. I’m afraid.
8. Which emoticon would best represent this face?
   
   
9. If this man walked into your office, what would you guess about him? (Hint: Only one of these personality assessments is correct.)
   
   1. He is an introvert.
   2. He is an extrovert.
   3. He is laid-back.
   4. He is quiet.
10. Our brains are most active when we are chatting about:
    1. Our crush
    2. The latest juicy gossip
    3. Ourselves
    4. The latest thriller
11. What does this face mean?
    
    1. Excitement
    2. Giddiness
    3. Interest
    4. Surprise
12. In the average conversation, people typically hold eye contact what percent of the time in a conversation?
    1. 31 percent
    2. 51 percent
    3. 61 percent
    4. 91 percent
13. The best way to get someone on the same page as you is to:
    1. Tell them a story
    2. Pay them a compliment
    3. Make them laugh
    4. Say something surprising
14. What does this face mean?
    
    1. Surprise
    2. Hatred
    3. Fear
    4. Confusion
15. Which of these habits tends to annoy people the most?
    1. People who are too talkative
    2. People who are too quiet
    3. People who are fake
    4. People who show off
16. People will pay more for something that:
    1. Their friends have also bought
    2. A doctor recommends
    3. Matches their personality
    4. They customized
17. When you first meet someone, you are LEAST likely to be able to accurately guess:
    1. How extroverted they are
    2. How much they worry
    3. If they are open to new ideas
    4. Their IQ
    5. How organized they are
18. The easiest way to know if your new colleague is neurotic is if they:
    1. Put up inspirational posters
    2. Show up early to every meeting on the first day
    3. Introduce themselves to you immediately
    4. Wait for you to introduce yourself
19. What does this face mean?
    
    1. Embarrassment
    2. Confusion
    3. Irritation
    4. Disgust
20. Making someone feel ______ is the best way to improve their mood.
    1. Flattered
    2. Attractive
    3. Valued
    4. Powerful

Answer Key:

Whew! Now it’s time to check your answers. Go through and give yourself 0 points for every wrong answer and 10 points for every right answer:

1. C ____ Points (Chapter 6)
2. C ____ Points (Chapter 1)
3. D ____ Points (Chapter 6)
4. B ____ Points (Chapter 5)
5. B ____ Points (Chapter 7)
6. E ____ Points (Chapter 8)
7. B ____ Points (Chapter 6)
8. D ____ Points (Chapter 6)
9. B ____ Points (Chapter 7)
10. C ____ Points (Chapter 4)
11. D ____ Points (Chapter 6)
12. C ____ Points (Chapter 2)
13. A ____ Points (Chapter 10)
14. C ____ Points (Chapter 6)
15. C ____ Points (Chapter 1)
16. D ____ Points (Chapter 11)
17. B ____ Points (Chapter 7)
18. A ____ Points (Chapter 7)
19. D ____ Points (Chapter 6)
20. C ____ Points (Chapter 9)

Add up the total to get:

Your PQ Score = ____

Take note of this score. By the end of the book, we will blow it out of the water.

• 0 to 50 points
• I’m so excited you’re here! Let me tell you, this is exactly where I was when I first started, and I couldn’t be more thrilled to start you on this adventure. Get ready, big change is a comin’.
• 51 to 100 points
• You got this. In fact, this is the range for most people. But you and I both know you are not average. You’re exceptional; it’s time to show it.
• 101 to 150 points
• You’re well on your way. You already have good interpersonal intelligence, but good is never enough. Let’s make it great!
• 151 to 200 points
• Well, well, well smarty-pants. You’re a natural! Hey, if you’re already this good with people, imagine where this book can take you. Say it with me: “total world domination.”

Did some of these answers surprise you? They should!

We have not learned many of the fundamental forces that drive human behavior. But don’t worry, I will explain the fascinating research behind each and every one in the chapters to come.

Part I

THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES

Whether you’re going to a housewarming party, networking event, or first date, you face the same initial challenges:

• How do I make a good first impression?
• Who should I talk to?
• What should I say?

Part I is all about the first five minutes of an interaction. How can you use your first impression, conversation starters, and introduction to get to know someone? The first five hacks are all about tapping into what intrigues people so you can be the most memorable person in the room.