reading

Littleton, Colorado, April 20, 1999. Teenagers Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold entered Columbine High School armed with assault weapons and homemade bombs. The boys opened fire randomly on anyone they saw. They killed 12 classmates, a teacher, injured 18 other teenagers, and then shot and killed themselves. The people of Littleton had only one question: Why?

Investigations revealed that Harris and Klebold were constantly ridiculed and bullied at school. Another student falsely reported that they brought marijuana to school; their lockers were searched, bringing more ridicule upon them. The boys were surrounded by schoolmates who doused them with ketchup and called them “faggots” while teachers merely watched. They wore the ketchup all day, unable to change clothes. In his suicide note, Eric Harris indicated that he and Dylan Klebold had been continually bullied at school and were completely isolated from other students. “It’s payback time,” Eric wrote.

Blacksburg, Virginia, April 16, 2007. Twenty-three-year-old Seung-Hui Cho opened fire on the students and faculty at Virginia Tech University. After shooting at least 174 rounds, he killed 32 and wounded 25, then he took his own life. He made history for being the cause of the deadliest shooting in U.S. history.

Investigations revealed that Cho was a loner at school. He was declared mentally ill in 2005 and required to seek out-patient treatment. When he was in middle school and high school he suffered bullying for his speech defects, causing him to develop selective mutism, an anxiety of speaking. Cho’s suicide note showed his repressed anger toward “rich kids,” “debauchery,” and “deceitful charlatans.”

In a video Cho sent to NBC news prior to the shootings, he declared, “You had a hundred billion chances and ways to have avoided today. But you decided to spill my blood. You forced me into a corner and gave me only one option. The decision was yours. Now you have blood on your hands that will never wash off.”

Halifax, Nova Scotia, April 8, 2002. Fourteen-year-old Emmet Fralick, an outgoing, popular student, shot and killed himself. His suicide note stated that he could no longer tolerate being bullied by his peers. Investigations revealed that, on a regular basis, Emmet had been bullied by extortion, threats, and beatings from other students.

Not every case of bullying makes headline-grabbing news like these tragic incidents. However, ask any child who is a victim of bullying to explain candidly how this experience feels, and no doubt the child will describe feelings of helplessness, despair, rage, depression, and dread. These feelings have a distinct, uneasy similarity to those expressed in the suicide notes of Eric Harris, Dylan Klebold, and Emmet Fralick.

Most adults can recount stories of being “picked on” at school at one time or another. Something made them different in some way: they were too short, too tall, too smart, too dumb, too rich, too poor — the list of reasons why kids are often cruel to each other is endless. Adults can now laugh as they recount their most embarrassing school moment. One characteristic separates being picked on and being bullied: Children are picked on for a specific personal difference, usually for a limited period of time until the perpetrators grow bored with their own game, whereas bullying can continue for years with no let-up by the tormentors.

The bystanders of bullying are silent witnesses to the physical and emotional assaults upon their schoolmates. It is usually presumed that, because they watch in silence, they condone what they see. In fact, fear is what keeps them silent; fear that if they report the systematic physical and emotional battery of the victim, the bully will turn on them. They remain silent to keep from becoming targets themselves.

Perhaps the oddest result of bullying is that, to end the attacks upon themselves, a victim will aid and even encourage the bully in targeting another child. This behavior is pure self-defense, a diversion tactic; if the bully finds another, fresher victim, the original victim can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing the bully will be preoccupied by the “new toy.”

The face of bullying has changed. Where once the stereotype of the mean schoolyard bully prevailed, today’s bully can just as easily be female as male, since violence by teenage girls has taken a disastrous rise in the past decade. Children are not safe even in their own home; “cyber bullying” via online chat rooms and other technology is a new form of aggressive behavior that has only recently been identified and studied.

According to the award-winning weekly PBS teen series, “In the Mix,” up to 25 percent of United States students are bullied each year. As many as 160,000 children stay at home from school on any given day out of the fear of being bullied. At least one out of three teenagers said they have been seriously threatened online. Sixty percent of teens say they have participated in online bullying. Researching bullies and their victims in the modern age is disheartening and alarming; emotional turmoil, physical assault, and social isolation leads all too often to severe psychological harm, suicide, and homicide by the tormented victim. Unchecked, bullies are likely to enter adulthood with perilous narcissistic and anti-social personality traits that lead to unstable, chaotic personal relationships, multiple divorces, child and spouse abuse, assaultive behavior, and violent criminal behavior.

If Americans are ever going to prevent and eliminate bullying among school-age children, there are some hard facts to be faced. Since change depends primarily upon recognition that a problem exists, adults must relinquish the myth that defending oneself from a bully builds character and that being bullied is a normal part of growing up. Aside from the suicides and homicides, being the victim of a bully is sheer psychological warfare, and many victims carry the emotional scars from these battles for the rest of their lives. It is disturbing to note that many victims share the same long-term life consequences that the bullies experience as adults. Helpless rage, bitterness, and low self-esteem are only a few examples of the price victims pay.

The case studies included in this book portray real people who were seen in mental health clinics for psychotherapy regarding a number of different issues ranging from depression, anxiety, marital and interpersonal problems, personality disorders, and substance abuse. Their names and personal information have been altered for their privacy, but the facts of each case are genuine. Cases that are fictional are clearly noted as such. Relevant information about being the victim or perpetrators of bullying covers eleven essential questions:

(1) How old were you when you began bullying others or when you became the victim of bullying?

(2) Describe the bullying that was done to you or that you did to others?

(3) Describe the person(s) who bullied you or the person you bullied?

(4) Did you tell anyone that you were being bullied? Why/Why not?

(5) What effects did bullying or being bullied have on you?

(6) Were you ever a witness or bystander when someone was being bullied? If so, what if anything did you do about it?

(7) Did you try to stop yourself from being bullied? How? Did it work?

(8) Have you had fantasies or a plan about wanting to harm the bullies?

(9) Did anyone ever intervene on your behalf? Who? What happened next?

(10) Have you ever bullied anyone? If so, who and why?

(11) Do you currently have any criminal history, domestic violence history, or substance abuse problems?

In the book’s Appendix are many sample documents suggested to help students, teachers, and parents make their school a safe environment for all students. These documents can be customized to fit any school’s needs.

This book’s purposes are to expose bullying in all its forms among school-age children; identify characteristics of bullies, victims, and non-reporting bystanders; examine the short- and long-term consequences of bullying for the victim, the bystanders, and the bully; and provide practical, essential information for the prevention and elimination of bullying. With this purpose accomplished, the lives of many children, now and in future generations, can be free of fear.

“You don’t have to behave the way you have behaved just because you always have.” – Dr. Wayne Dwyer

Table of Contents

“How many more children will die until we understand bullying?” — Parent of Columbine High School survivor

Introduction

If the legend is true that the Eskimos have dozens of different names for snow depending upon its characteristics, then bullying is similar to snow. There are as many definitions of bullying as there are for snow. In the end, snow is cold, wet, white, and falls from the sky. Bullying is harmful, humiliating, and victimizing behavior that causes emotional, social, and physical pain for another person.

Norwegian researcher Dr. Dan Olweus and colleagues have conducted concise and comprehensive studies of bullying behavior since the early 1970s, and his is the most commonly quoted definition:

“A person is being bullied when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons. Negative action is when a person intentionally inflicts injury or discomfort upon another person, through physical contact, through words, or in other ways. Note that bullying is both overt and covert” (Olweus, 1991).

It should be noted that bullying is not an isolated incident of one person’s mistreatment of another person. It involves a pattern of behavior that is repeated over time against the same person(s). Bullying behavior is intentionally harmful — the bully enjoys inflicting harm, and there is a distinct power differential between the bully and the victim(s). These topics will be expanded upon later, but as an introduction, the long list of bullying behaviors includes:

• Verbal abuse and harassment

• Deliberately excluding others from a peer group

• Spreading false rumors about others

• Sending another person mean or threatening notes

• Making harassing, threatening phone calls

• Sending mean or threatening e-mails

• Actively encouraging a peer group to dislike and isolate another person

• Physical abuse

• Making continual threats to harm another person and/or the person’s family

• Stealing or destroying another person’s property

• Playing “pranks” on another person in front of his or her peer group

• “Visual” abuse, e.g., making obscene gestures to another person

• Drawing obscene or humiliating graffiti about another person

• Continually using humiliating racial slurs towards another person

• Touching another person and/or making sexual comments

• “Mobbing,” i.e., several bullies act in concert to harm another person

• Completely and pointedly annoying another person

• Frightening another person through physical or emotional intimidation

• Forcing another person to do something he or she does not want to do

• Stalking the victim, instilling fear, rage, and helplessness into the victim’s everyday life

Case Study: Robert S.

Robert was a 24-year-old man who sought mental health treatment for his lack of self-esteem and poor interpersonal relationships. He was referred to the clinic by his mother. Robert had previous mental health diagnoses of schizo-affective disorder, major depression with psychotic features, and Asperger’s Syndrome.

Robert graduated from high school, but had not pursued higher education and had never held a job. His parents were divorced, and Robert lived with his mother. He did not have a driver’s license and depended on his mother for transportation. Robert’s brother was serving in Iraq, and his father was prior enlisted military. Robert had no friends, had never been on a date, and spent his days watching television, walking around the neighborhood, and doing chores around the house while his mother was at work. Robert came to therapy sessions dressed entirely in black. He had some minor facial abnormalities resembling Down’s syndrome or Fetal Alcohol Disorder, but he was not diagnosed with these conditions.

“If I can’t make them like me, I can make them afraid of me. I asked God to help me with my problems but nothing happened. So then I asked the Devil to help me.”

Robert recounted a lengthy history of being bullied at school, beginning in the fifth or sixth grade, especially by two male classmates. These boys were larger than Robert, who was rather small. The boys were popular among their peers and, as Robert said, “Everybody else did whatever these boys did because they were cool.” Robert described being called names by these boys like “retard,” “fag,” “goofy,” and “dumb-ass.” Whenever they passed in the school hallway, one or both of the boys would hit him on the head with their notebooks. Robert was excluded from extracurricular activities of any kind because the two boys made it clear that he was unwelcome. Robert said that he thinks his self-esteem is so low because he was not popular in school and “everyone picked on me too much.”

The two boys often followed him home from school, throwing sticks and rocks at him and calling him names. Robert only felt safe from them when he was inside his house. He told no one, not even his mother, that he was being bullied at school because he was embarrassed. He had feelings of rage and helplessness about being bullied by these two boys. He was also angry at other children in his class because they laughed when the boys “did things to me.”

Robert admitted to having fantasies about hurting the two boys and also his classmates who watched, laughed, and did nothing to intervene. He denied ever having a real plan to harm anyone or ever bullying anyone himself. Robert said he began to wear all black clothing in high school like the “Goth” look and talked about worshiping the Devil; he did this because he wanted to “make people leave me alone.”

By this time the two boys who had bullied him at an earlier age attended another school. He stated that a “social club” of girls began to make fun of his appearance, told classmates that he was gay, and that their club had a rule: Anyone who forgot to wear their club pin had to sit next to Robert in assembly. Robert stated that when he was home at night he would try to contact the Devil, and on two occasions he saw demons in his room. He watched movies about violence and the occult.

He discovered that when he talked about being a Satanist, the group of girls acted like they were afraid of him. Robert began to talk frequently about having magical powers and demons that would do his will. The group of girls stopped spreading rumors about him, but they advised all their classmates to stay away from him. Robert said he felt “evil” during this period in his life.

His older brother, Gary, lived with their father and was in the military. Robert stated that Gary attended the same high school as he did, and Gary was embarrassed that Robert was his brother. Gary frequently called him a “dumb click-head” in front of others, and that Gary liked to pull down Robert’s gym shorts in view of his classmates and encouraged others to laugh at him.

Today, Gary is in the military, serving in Iraq. Robert said that Gary taunted and teased him in front of classmates, telling him “You’re so queer, you can’t be my brother.” Robert said that when Gary came home from Iraq, he would like to hurt or kill Gary. He stated, “I hope he gets killed over there so I don’t have to.” Robert said that he hated

himself “because of the way I was treated,” meaning being bullied by the two boys, the group of girls, and his brother.

Robert’s story is a clear example of how bullying at school is systematic and intentional. It also demonstrates the power differential between the bully and the victim and the clearly defined patterns of bullying. While historically bullying behavior has been dismissed as teasing, childhood pranks, and being a normal part of growing up, Dr. Dan Olweus first began defining bullying behavior as deviant psychological terrorism. “The negative effects on the bullied students are so devastating and often quite long-term. It is simply a fundamental human right for a student to have a safe school environment and to be spared the repeated humiliation that comes from being bullied.” (The Voice, Winter 2007).

Myths About Bullying

To understand the distinction between what bullying behavior is and what it is not, author and researcher Mary Jo McGrath debunks several myths that confuse the public, parents, and school officials concerning bullying behavior. First, the myth that “We don’t have bullies in our school” is akin to intentionally denying that this behavior occurs daily in the United States and internationally.

Next, the myth that teachers and school administrators see bullying and stop it when it takes place is incorrect. Looking at the facts of the Columbine school shootings belies this myth; teachers witnessed Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold being pelted with ketchup and did not intervene. Of course, the lack of adult response to the bullying of Harris and Klebold should not be generalized to schools and teachers as a whole, but in instance after instance, teachers and administrators watched bullying behavior and did not intervene.

Another myth that McGrath emphasizes is that bullies and bullying behavior are easily identified. In reality, teachers and other adults may completely misjudge the bully because he or she is rarely a social outcast and is clever enough never to allow an adult to witness bullying behavior.

One element of bullying behavior that cannot be over-emphasized is the power differential between the bully and the victim. The bully is usually older, larger, more popular, better looking, and more socially adept than the victim. The bully’s actions are tolerated by the rest of the peer group because the bully is in some way superior to them and to the victim. The stereotype of a bully being male, ugly and mean-looking, big and clumsy, ignorant and socially unskilled is again debunked by McGrath; on the contrary, the bully may be the captain of the football team, a member of the Honor Society, female, attractive, and socially outgoing. Bullies can be chameleons; pleasant, affable, and non-threatening in the company of teachers, parents, and other adults, but vicious and merciless when they turn their aggression onto the victim when no adults are present.

Cyberbullying

Today’s bully is armed with technology that was unknown to bullies only a few decades ago. Technology has provided a treacherous weapon that has no limits, boundaries, or conscience. The Internet has changed the world of information technology and has made life in industrialized countries much easier. But this technology has a dark side; it is anonymous and remorseless. In the wrong hands, it is a psychological weapon of incredible destruction. Cyberbullying enables bullies to be much more efficient in their torment of others. School-age children as young as seven or eight years old have computers, cell phones, pagers, and all kinds of gadgets that were unheard of in the days of “schoolyard bullying.” Today, e-mail, chat rooms, and text messaging are valuable additions to a bully’s arsenal of “psy-ops” against a victim. Before the advent of this technology, a child could at least feel safe at home, away from the bully and seemingly uncaring bystanders. Now, even elementary school-age children have all kinds of techno-gadgets at their disposal to continue their bullying long after the last school bell rings.

“Anonymous and hard to track, the bully has free range. Because it is outside the jurisdiction of the school, the school may not pursue this type of bullying with disciplinary measures. And yet these technologies can spread gossip and rumors to thousands with a few strokes on the computer keyboard.”

Aside from the sophisticated technology, cyberbullying is no different from a victim having a face-off with the tormentor. Like other forms of bullying, the goal is the same — to hurt, frighten, and humiliate the victim either publicly or in private. Cyberbullying takes the form of written postings on Web sites and blogs, altered pictures, and viral e-mails derived from a list of e-mail addresses. The bully also sends e-mail directly to the victim with threats, extortion, and ridicule being the themes. Technological bullying is extremely prolific, much more so than its schoolyard counterpart. With a few keyboard strokes, the cyberbully can send instant e-mails to an unlimited number of recipients. Unaware that their behavior could be legally actionable for libel, cyberbullies feel invincible in their anonymity.

McGrath indicates that girls are more prone to cyberbullying than boys are, although many boy bullies do engage in this practice. For example, she describes the “three way calling attack,” explained by Rosalind Wiseman in 2002: This is a nasty, treacherous way of cyberbullying because the target never knows who may be listening on the call. It works like this: Girl A gets Girl B on the phone, then conferences-in Girl C without the knowledge of Girl B. Girl A, the cyberbully, then entices Girl B, the victim, to say bad things about Girl C, who just listens quietly. Girl B then finds herself ignored and ostracized from the group and has no idea why.

Then there is the instant messaging cyberbully attack. All the bully needs is a computer. When teens (or even younger kids) get home from school, they log onto the computer to talk to their friends whom they just left ten minutes ago, a practice that never fails to mystify parents. Instant messaging allows one or more children to bombard the cyber-waves with insults about the target child. This type of bullying can be much more dangerous than it sounds. Thirteen-year-old Ryan Halligan committed suicide after being the target of an instant message exchange with another boy (the bully) who had been harassing Ryan incessantly with messages of a disturbing sexual nature.

By using the Internet, bullies are “removed” from their victims instead of confronting them personally. It is much easier to cyberbully another child as a faceless, voiceless, and nameless victim. This allows the bully to be much more vicious than he/she may be in person. The bullying behavior can include insulting remarks, racial slurs, sexual comments, threats of harm, gossip, and rumor spreading.

Web logs, referred to as “blogs” can also be used quite proficiently for cyberbullying. Blogs are personal Web sites where children journal their thoughts and record their feelings and actions. They can gossip, complain, insult, spread lies, make sexual overtures, and anything else they choose. An entire blog can be devoted to “Why I Hate Mary’s Guts,” or “The Top Ten Sluts in the Seventh Grade,” or “A List of all the Fags in Our Class.” There is no restriction on what one can write on a blog; as long as the space is paid for, the civil laws against libel and harassment are not enforced. Blogs are not private. Anyone on the Net can read all about, “I (expletive) Cindy last night” regardless of whether it is true or not.

The establishment of Web sites like MySpace, Xanga, LiveJournal, and others, according to McGrath have allowed cyberbullying reach new heights of proliferation and viciousness. On these sites, children, mostly teenagers, can message others about any topic they wish. Nothing is off-limits. Death threats, threats of violence, racist comments, fake messages posted in the name of the bullying target, plans for suicide, even digital photos of a personal nature are found on these Web sites. Messages of this sort can be instantly forwarded to literally hundreds of other users. Cyberbullies often assume the identity of their target, and in his/her name, send messages about being gay or lesbian and having a crush on someone of the same sex. They also send death threats to other users – using the name of the target.

Technology is growing faster than our understanding of how it can be used for harm as well as for good. This leads to a lack of parental control over what children are doing on the computer. A good deal of attention is paid to sexual predators on the Internet, as well as cybertheft of identities. Yet cyberbullying is virtually unknown to parents. Children would have it remain this way so they can continue their dangerous behavior in cyberspace.

The Anti-Bullying Act of 2005 (H.R. 284), introduced in the House of Representatives, includes cyberbullying in its definition of bullying behavior if the bullying is done on school computers and other forms of technology. Schools that comply with federal guidelines to discourage bullying at school may apply for federal grants to develop anti-bullying programs and interventions.

While it is admirable that the federal government has turned the spotlight on bullying, bringing the problem out into the open with ever-increasing awareness, the great majority of cyberbullying takes place away from school property. A bully can sit down at his or her own PC at home and wreak havoc in the life of a victim within nano-seconds. Gossip, rumors, threats, humiliating lies, name-calling, altered photos, and drawings – cyberbullying of this sort has a huge audience in comparison to a mere classroom of 20 students. Home, once a harbor of safety for the victim, is now merely an extension of the battlefield.

Teasing and Bullying

Bullying behavior is either overt or covert actions. Overt actions involve direct, open attacks on the victim, while covert bullying may not be visible to others. The harshest, most damaging covert bullying consists of social isolation of the victim, being completely ignored and excluded from a peer group. Since school-age children’s primary agenda is to be accepted by their peers, this isolative type of bullying is devastating.

“There were three of us, Debbie, Diane, and me. Most of the time we all socialized together, but at other times, one of us, usually Debbie, would say to me or Diane, “Let’s pal up.” This meant that whoever Debbie palled up with, the other person was ignored as if she didn’t exist. The outcast was ridiculed, laughed at, humiliated. The other two would pass notes to each other about the outcast. This would go on for a day or two, and then it would be over. Until the next time.”

It is fair and accurate to say that just about every school-age child is teased occasionally. If they say the wrong thing, do something clumsy or silly, wear the wrong clothes, be different in any way from the peer group, children are subject to teasing. Most teasing is short-lived, non-hostile, and direct or overt. Children often tease the peers they like the most, meaning no real or lasting emotional harm. Siblings tease each other, as do best friends and boyfriend/girlfriend couples. Meant to be humorous and good-natured, teasing usually comes to an end when the subject says, “Stop it! You’re hurting me!”

If appropriate limits and boundaries are not established, teasing crosses the line and becomes bullying. That line is in the eye of the beholder: the person being teased and the person who is doing the teasing. A general guideline is that if the behavior becomes mean-spirited, deliberate, and turns into a pattern of the desire to harm another person, it is no longer teasing and becomes bullying. School-age children are often poor at setting limits and boundaries on the behavior of others, even if it directly affects them. In his 1999 book Life Strategies, Dr. Phillip C. McGraw lists ten “life laws” that readers are encouraged to incorporate into their lives. One of these life laws is that we teach people how to treat us. Dr. McGraw writes that when we do not set limits assertively, we teach others that we can be manipulated, intimidated, and bullied. When a teased child sets no boundaries by letting the teaser know that the line between teasing and bullying has been crossed and the teased child is experiencing emotional pain, then the child is teaching a would-be bully that he or she can do or say anything with no empathy for the victim, no fear of negative consequences, and no regret about bullying the other child. From an early age, children should learn to express themselves assertively about how others are treating them.

Barbara Coloroso lists clear distinctions between teasing and bullying. When confronted, the bully says, “But I was only teasing!” Examinations of the bully’s taunts clearly indicate that teasing and bullying are polar opposites.

Teasing

• The teaser and the one being teased often swap roles with each other easily.

• Is not intended to hurt or humiliate the other person.

• Sill maintains the dignity of all involved.

• Makes fun of someone in a lighthearted, clever, and benign way.

• Intended to make both parties laugh.

• Is but a small part of the activities of a peer group.

• Is innocent in motive.

• Is discontinued when the person who is being teased becomes upset with the teasing.

When teasing gets out of hand, there is a lot of apologizing going on. The teaser, who does not intend to harm a friend, backs off and respects the limits set in these interactions. The two friends are on an equal level of power and dominance. They like and respect each other and want to maintain their friendship.

Teasing

• Is based upon an imbalance of power and is one-sided.

• Is intended to harm and humiliate.

• Is cruel, demeaning, and bigoted, thinly disguised as jokes.

• Encourages laughter at the victim rather than with the friend.

• Has the goal of diminishing the self-esteem of the target.

• Induces fear in the victim about further taunting and physical harm.

• Is sinister and mean-spirited in motive.

• Continues unabated despite the victim’s distress or objection to the taunting.

There is nothing friendly or funny about a bully’s taunts. The victim’s pleas for the bully to stop only escalate the taunts and attacks; the bully knows he or she is succeeding in the objective of hurting and humiliating the victim. “Can’t you take a joke?” says the bully with perfect innocence, leaving the impression that there is something wrong with the target, not the bully. This is how the bully self-validates bullying behavior, and explains his or her actions to bystanders and adults if the bullying is discovered.

Conclusion

In the last decade, much emphasis has been placed on defining what behaviors constitute bullying. The image of a bully physically abusing a smaller, younger, or “different” child and taking his or her lunch money has been appropriately modernized to categorize a large range of behavior that defines bullying, including using today’s technology to continue and even escalate the victim’s feelings of anger, fear, and helplessness. In many ways, a school is merely a microcosm of what happens to a victim when school is not in session. It is impractical to suggest that bullying simply stops after school, on weekends, on holidays, and during summer break. Teachers and school administrators may see just the tip of the iceberg at school; bullying is not on a time schedule, but occurs whenever the opportunity presents itself before, during, and after the school bell rings. There is no incentive for the bully to stop his or her behavior regardless of the setting because a targeted child is always in the bully’s cross-hairs.

Table of Contents