ADVANCED SWEARING HANDBOOK
Copyright © Summersdale Publishers Ltd 2005
Text by Iliterati International
The right of Mark Leigh and Mike Lepine to be identified as the authors of this work has been asserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
Condition of Sale
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent publisher.
Summersdale Publishers Ltd 46 West Street
Chichester
West Sussex
PO19 1RP
UK
www.summersdale.com
Printed and bound in Great Britain
eISBN 9781783721696
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Important
About The Authors
Introduction
11 of the Most Offensive Song Titles
MALE PET NAMES FOR THE FEMALE SEX ORGAN
2004: A Vintage Year for Rude Names in Academia
Bogus Priest Busted!
Real Place Names Worth a Quick Snigger
The 15 Worst Swear Words
Class and Swearing
Streets of Shame
The Psychology of Swearing
Swear in Zulu
The Origins of ‘Fuck’
Harry Potter and the Filthy Vocabulary
Worried About Your Swearing?
Cunts at the Dinner Table
What a Twat!
The Top 10 Swear Words in Punjabi
Politically Correct Wanking
Novelty Swearing
Pussy to Lady in One Move
‘Shall I Cock Piss Fuck Shit Carry This To Your Cunt Cunt Cunt Motherfucker Car, Ma’am?’
I Wish I’d Fucking Said That!
Stupid Motherfuckers
The Height of Wank
Rude Cockney Rhyming Slang
Inside Miss World
Swearing Is Bad For You – It’s Official
Spot the Swear Word
Coming to a Cinema Near You…
The Wit and Wisdom of Jim Morrison
Inscrutable Slang
The Cunt Coloring Book
18 Downright Nasty Names for your Penis
Keeping Score in Raw
Foul Language
Fucking Austrians
Unusual Swearing from Around the World
The Origin of the V Sign
They’re Rude – it’s Official
All Out Brothers!
American Wankers
3 Offensive Australian Terms for an ‘Easy Lay’
Anal Astronauts and 34 Other Slang Words for Arse Pirates
How to Tell Someone to ‘Fuck off!’ in Hawaiian
Acronyms Using the Word Fuck
‘Take out your intestines and fuck them’
The Great Anti-Swearing Petition
A Selective Count of Swear Words in Three Great Literary Works
Making an Arse of Yourself
‘Yippee Ki-yay Mister Falcon!
You’re Fukt!
Cuntfest!
Berks
Shock Horror! – Truth Told in Parliament!
Some Bollocks from Blue
Cunt – The Origin
Brad Cock
Regrets – I’ve had a few…
Cack-pants Aldrin
Overpriced Shit
Dirty Sanchez
Bollocks – The Origin
What’s in a name?
Swearing in the Universal Language
Avoiding the Swear Box – Useful Tame Euphemisms to Use
Filthy Lucre
Even the Typeface is Filthy…
Famous Names Altered to Make Gratuitous Swear Words
The Diplomatic Approach
The De-Sexing of Fuck
Google – More Than a Search Engine, More of a Sex Organ
How to Swear at French People
More American Wankers
Gained in Translation
Cunts in Music
Get Knotted!
Rude Science
Curse Free TV
Lost in Translation
The Landlord is A. Wanker
Naff Swearing
Oriental Wisdom
Sweary Mary
Queen Victoria and Cock
Russian Anti-Swearing Crackdown
Hell Hath No Fury like a Gay Man Scorned
Swearing and Hollywood
Rude (Real) Product Names
And you thought Shakespeare was boring?
The Cunt Club
The Guardian makes history
(Rude) Words of Wisdom
The Queen Classic That Never Was
The Joke With the Most Swear Words – Official!
Great Places to Swear – the football terraces
Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television
23 Brazen and Knavish Elizabethan Curses
Great Instances of Royalty Swearing
18 Movies with the word fuck in the title
The Songs of Anal Cunt
Lewd Limerick
A Short History of Swearing in Entertainment
Alternatives for Motherfucker
Words for Wankers
Well, Fug Me!
Free Speech
The Difference between Curses and Swear Words
About Face
C.U.N.T.S
Bulgarian Buggerers
Charles Dickens – the Naughty Bits
The Flexibility of Fuck
Useful Yiddish Swear Words
Sixteenth-century Fuck
Offensive? Fuck Off!
Taking the Piss
Wanker: The North/South Divide
Vietnamese Names
F.U.C.K. in the U.S.S.R
Setting an Example
More Literary Filth from Dickens
The British Empire’s Second Greatest Gift to the World
What a Crock!
What They Say… And What They Really Mean
It’s What Freedom of Speech is all About…
Your Mother’s Smelly Cunt
Yes Lord, We Will Shit With You
This is what we think of NATO
Swearing OK at Work– or is it?
Profanity Delays – Bunch of Arse?
2 Live Crew Declared ‘Obscene’ Shock
An Obscene Phone Call?
Rupert Everett on ‘Fuck’
%$@#£&* Censors!
COMPETITION
Important
Please note: Please note: this book is full of words like fuck, shit, cocksucker, piss, motherfucker and cunt, so if you’re at all offended by bad language it’s too late now and you might as well read on.
About The Authors
Mike Lepine
Mike Lepine encourages completely free speech in his household. Sometimes this means far-ranging discussions on the implications posed by the paired connectivity of widely separated subatomic particles for faster-than-light travel. More often though, it just means swearing at the TV news and his impressionable young son telling Tigger to ‘fuck off!’ at Eurodisney.
Mike’s loudest, most inventive and most prolonged bout of swearing came last year when he encountered George Galloway’s Respect Party battle bus outside Leicester Station.
Mark Leigh
Mark is no stranger to swearing, as he is constantly being told to ‘fuck off’ by his work colleagues, clients, friends, relatives, neighbours, random strangers and his parents.
He thinks English is the best language in the whole wide world because, as he says, ‘the fucking Eskimos might have seventeen different words for “snow” but we have fifty-eight words for the vagina, many of them quite rude.’
Mark’s ambition is to make love to Hollywood actress Scarlett Johannson (or better still, fuck her).
Thank you…
Mike Lepine Mike Lepine would like to thank Ashwin Bedi, Anju Dutta, Gage Hatton-Lepine, Philippa Hatton-Lepine and Colin Higgs for their patience and/or assistance.
Mark Leigh Mark Leigh got absolutely no fucking help from anyone and if his so-called ‘friends’ are reading this, they can all piss off.
Introduction
When angry, count to four;
when very angry, swear
Mark Twain
It’s a fair guess that swearing has been around as long as human speech. Although there are no written records, you can be sure that any caveman who had just stubbed his toe on a stalagmite or was annoyed by his wife serving up mammoth broth yet again had a few choice cuss words on hand to express his displeasure.
And just as we have evolved, so has our swearing. When we were a more religious people, our more serious obscenities were blasphemies. ‘Zounds’, for example, was a shortening of ‘Christ’s Wounds’ and ‘Bloody’ was an abbreviation of ‘Blood of Mary’. Then, as religious fears were replaced by neuroses about our own sexuality, the swear words of choice started to refer to sex acts and parts of the body.
Today, in our politically-correct times, the real shocking obscenities in our vocabulary – the real taboo words – tend to be those that belittle people of alternative gender, sexuality, race or religion. Once terrifying words like fuck are now the stuff of routine kindergarten conversation.
This is a bit of a pity, as the really choice obscenities of today are nowhere near as versatile and as easily used as we could wish. For example, calling Michael Winner ‘a fucking lesbo’ makes no sense. It is so unsatisfying. Equally, it is hardly rewarding to call Gordon Brown a ‘fat dago poofta’ (the correct technical term is fat bastard thieving Scots git).
This is why we should be so grateful for the ‘C word’ – or cunt. Because it is seen as demeaning to women, it has gained an even greater power to shock while other sexual words have diminished. Cunt is a word we should truly treasure, because it can be so widely applied to anything from your boss to the board members of Central Trains – with real force and impact.
But beware – even cunt is losing its punch. Forty years ago, a book that dared to use the word was the subject of a major British court case. Today, you can pick up this book (which uses the word cunt with gay abandon) from right beside the till, at child’s-eye level.
We swear because we are angry. If we have no truly effective swear words left, maybe only violence will suffice…
Mike Lepine & Mark Leigh
11 of the Most Offensive Song Titles
‘Cocksucker Blues’
by the Rolling Stones
– written by Mick Jagger to fulfil a contractual agreement; Decca, not surprisingly, refused to release it
‘Yo Sister Sucked My Dick’
by Bell Labs Sound
– their lead singer went by the name of ‘Ridiculous Rick With The Big Fucking Dick’
‘Fist Fucking Baby’
by The Bomb Party
– taking their name from the title of a Graeme Greene novel, the group did not become a commercial success
‘Fuck A Dog’
by Blink 182
– singer’s lament about not being able to fuck his mum or dad in the arse, so he goes for the dog. Nice
‘Slob On My Knob’
by Michael ‘Boogaloo’ Boyer
– the singer was a DJ in the Memphis Hard Rock Café (with that song title his customers were lucky he wasn’t a chef there…)
‘Fucked With A Knife’
by Cannibal Corpse
– New York death metal band known for their songs about violent sexual scenarios. Like being fucked with a knife, for example
‘Cum Stains On My Pillow’
by David Allen Coe
– sent to reform school aged nine and in and out of correctional facilities until he was 30, Coe is one of the few X-rated country singers
‘Moist Vagina’
by Nirvana
– with a song like this who are we to criticise the artistry of Kurt Cobain?
‘She Loves My Cock’
by Jackyl
– the chorus consists of the song’s title being repeated over and over and over and over. And over
‘All Hotties Eat The Jizz’
by Necro
– one of the album covers from this Brooklyn rapper showed a girl sucking on a vibrator that was protruding from the barrel of a gun
‘Oh My Pregnant Head
(Labia in the Sunlight)’
by The Flaming Lips
– one of the very few songs with the word ‘labia’ in the title
MALE PET NAMES FOR THE FEMALE SEX ORGAN
A recent American survey reported that the top 10 pet names used by men to describe the vagina were:
1.Pussy
2.Cunt
3.Vag
4.Twat
5.Bush
6.Honey-pot
7.Lips
8.Muffy
9.Rose-bud
10.Snatch
Other pet names mentioned (but not ranked) in the survey included: furburger, box, flaps, cave, cunnie, fanny, honey-pie, jelly-cave, sugarbush, love-box, ying-yang, money-pit, tunnel of love, nether lips and pencil sharpener.
2004: A Vintage Year for Rude Names in Academia
In 2004, the University of New York State’s Mathematics Department boasted a woman professor by the name of ShoYa Wang.
The Harvard Clinical Research Institute employed Richard Kuntz, MD, M.Sc. as Chief Scientific Officer. Ironically, his speciality was gynaecology.
The Max Planck Institute for Molecular Genetics in Berlin, Germany, boasted an Erich E. Wanker, Ph.D.
The University of Maryland employed a Professor André L. Tits, while the Universidade de Brasília employed in its Geology Department one Professor Reinhardt Adolfo Fuck. (No getting his rocks off jokes required.)
Larry Bumpass was Professor Emeritus of Sociology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison while the Affiliate Professor in the Department of Clinical and Experimental Pharmacology at the University of Adelaide was Professor Richard Head B.Sc., PhD.
But first prize has to go to an associate professor at Singapore’s National Institute of Education. Her name – Chew Shit Fun.
Bogus Priest Busted!