CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Age

Alcohol

Animals

Babies

Bankers

Birds

Birthdays

Bosses

Cars

Cats

Children

Christmas

College and university

Computers

Cricket

Crime and punishment

Dating

Death

Divorce

Doctors

Dogs

Families

Fish and fishing

Flying

Food and drink

Football

Frogs

Gardening

Golf

Grandparents

Halloween

Headlines

Heaven and hell

Holidays

Horses

Hospital

Hotels

The internet

Knock knock jokes

Lawyers

Light-bulb jokes

Love

Marriage

Music

Neighbours

Parents

Parties

Restaurants

School

Science

Sleep

Space

Swimming

Television

Tennis

Time

Toilet humour

Weddings

Why did the chicken…?

Zoos

AGE

What goes up and never comes down?

Your age!

A sure sign you’re getting older:

The only thing you want for your birthday is not to be reminded of it.

What’s the best way to get a youthful figure?

Ask a lady her age.

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation.

As you grow older, it will avoid you.

You know you’re getting old when... you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

Age is important only if you’re cheese or wine.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Travelling to see historical sites isn’t as much fun when many of the sites are younger than you.

An elderly man was talking to his neighbour, telling him about the new hearing aid he just bought. ‘It cost a fortune, but it was worth it. It works perfectly.’

‘Really,’ said the neighbour.

‘What kind is it?’

‘Ten thirty.’

THERE’S ONE GOOD THING ABOUT BALDNESS – IT’S NEAT.

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Three elderly sisters, aged 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96-year-old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, ‘Was I getting in the tub or out?’

‘You silly fool,’ said the 94-year-old. ‘I’ll come up and see.’ When she got halfway up the stairs she paused. ‘Was I going up the stairs or down?’

The 92-year-old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, ‘I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.’ She shook her head and called out, ‘I’ll be up to help you both as soon as I see who’s at the door!’

You know you are getting old when... your back goes out more than you do.

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory.

I forget the other two.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun – and fun is a lot more work.

Ageing gracefully is like the nice way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, ‘Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?’ Mabel answered, ‘I have? A suppository?’ She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, ‘Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.’

Percy, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Percy walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Percy and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

Percy replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doctor: get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’

The doctor responded, ‘I didn’t say that. I said, You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.’

You know you are old when you speed because you don’t want to forget where you’re going.

You know you are old when... you look down at your watch three consecutive times and still don’t know what time it is.

You know you’re getting old when... it takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

You know you’re into middle age when... you realise that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

You know you are old when... the twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

ALCOHOL

Alcohol does not make you fat.

It makes you lean... against tables, chairs, walls, floors and ugly people.

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems.

But then again, neither does milk.

Getting drunk at the pub is not the answer.

Unless you’re asking what I’m doing this weekend.

They say a lot of people die because of alcohol, but they don’t realise how many people are also born because of it.

A man walks into a bar and approaches the barman. ‘Can I have a pint of Less, please?’

‘I’m sorry, sir,’ the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, ‘I’ve not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?’

‘I’ve no idea,’ replies the man, ‘the thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less.’

SURE, I’LL DRINK MORE WATER... IF IT’S FROZEN AND SURROUNDED BY ALCOHOL.

Did you hear about the wall that went out on the town for its birthday?

It got plastered.

I say no to alcohol – it just doesn’t listen.

‘Drink responsibly’ means don’t spill it.

In alcohol’s defence, I’ve done some pretty stupid things while completely sober too.

Don’t trust a brilliant idea unless it survives the hangover.

Boy: I love you so much, I could never live without you.

Girl: Is that you or the beer talking?

Boy: It’s me talking to the beer.

A pirate walks into a tavern and orders a drink. The barman looks down and says, ‘Sir, did you know you have a ship’s wheel in your breeches?’

The pirate replies, ‘Aye, it’s drivin’ me nuts!’

What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it?

None. It just lets out a little wine.

Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and found out if you drink too much of it, it’s likely tequilya.

Life and beer are very similar... chill for best results.

I’m a recovering alcoholic. Or as my mate describes me, hungover.

A pig walks into a bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drinks it all then asks the bartender where the toilet is. The bartender replies, ‘Down the corridor and to the left.’

Another pig walks into the bar and orders two pitchers of beer. He finishes them off and then asks where the toilet is. The bartender replies, ‘Down the corridor and to the left.’

Another pig walks into the bar and orders three pitchers of beer. Finishing them off, he was just going to stand up when the bartender asks him, ‘Well aren’t you going to ask where the toilet is?’

The pig replies, ‘No, I am going to go wee wee wee all the way home.’

ANIMALS

Two lions were strolling down a street. One turned to the other and said, ‘Not many people around today are there?’

What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

What happens when you cross a cow with a shark?

I don’t know but I wouldn’t milk it.

What is a bear’s favourite pasta?

Tagliateddy.

Zebra: Let’s switch roles for a while.

Lion: OK, I’m game.

What animal do you look like when you’re in the bath?

A little bear.

What kind of musical instruments do mice play?

Mouse organs.

What animal cares the most about its posture?

Yogi bear.

What should you call a bald teddy?

Fred bear.

WHICH ANIMAL ALWAYS COMES TOP IN EXAMS?

THE CHEETAH.

Why are polar bears cheap to keep?

They live on ice.

Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped.

It was otter chaos.

WHAT ARE SMALL, CRISP AND SQUEAKY WHEN YOU EAT THEM?

MICE KRISPIES.

What happened to the leopard who took a bath three times a day?

After a week he was spotless.

What’s black and white and noisy?

A panda playing the drums.

What is a mouse’s favourite game?

Hide and squeak.

What did the elephant say to a naked man?

How do you breathe through something so small?

How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?

Pleased to eat you.

What has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves?

Mickey Moose.

Why did the lion feel sick after he’d eaten a priest?

Because it’s hard to keep a good man down.

What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

Hot cross bunnies.

What does the tiger say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?

Let us prey.

On which day do lions eat people?

Chewsday.