Nadia: Growing up I had a pretty difficult time at home and I left as soon as I could, at not quite sixteen. I was lucky enough to have a job as a model that allowed me to support myself and to travel all over the world. When I look at my friends’ teenagers now, I can’t believe how young I was to be out there on my own.
Although Katia and I were fortunate to be brought up on a foundation of healthy food and exercise, I never felt that I was taught to look after myself emotionally. This, combined with being independent at such a young age, meant that I was always looking outside, to other people, for emotional stability, instead of learning to find it in myself.
When I took my first yoga class at the age of eighteen, it was like I had come home. Yoga made me feel soft and safe and held, and helped me learn a new way of being. Now I’ve been teaching it for over twenty years, and I’m still learning and constantly practising.
Yoga led me to meditation, which helped settle my mind. I hate how corny it sounds, like ‘just practise meditation and you’ll be calm’, but meditation means training the mind and my mind has a tendency to be pretty volatile. So finding a practice that helped settle it was like finding a new pathway in life.
None of this was instant. It has taken a long time and many different practices, books and teachings to learn to soften my edges, to open my heart, to take care of myself and to accept myself rather than trying to fix myself.
I hope you will find this for yourself too.
@nadianarain
Katia: Like Nadia, I left home young and did a lot of travelling. In my twenties it might have seemed as if I was having a great time exploring the world, but inside I felt insecure and uncertain. It was hard for me to feel beautiful or worthy of caring for myself; I was living with the self-destruct button pressed way down.
My journey of self-care started with self-discovery. I was always open to alternative lifestyles, training as a reiki master, becoming a massage therapist and reading a lot of spiritual books. I began to accept that I was on a different path to the ‘norm’, instead of fighting it.
The big lesson I learned from all my travelling was that your unhappiness will follow you wherever you go, so you might as well be where people really love you, and face your issues and begin to deal with them.
I decided to come to London and make a life for myself with my sister and good friends by my side. My time spent travelling didn’t go to waste, though; while in Hawaii I learned about raw food and juices, which led me to open my first café, Little Earth, in 2004. Now I run the Nectar Café in Triyoga, in London.
Grounding myself in London, where I live with my family, is where I’m at right now. I have learned to be comfortable in my skin and to love and accept who I am. Once this happened I found that I didn’t need to run from myself anymore.
I wish the same for you.
@katianarainphillips
‘Learning self-care is like building your own lifeboat, plank by plank. Once you’ve got your boat, you’ll still be rocked by the waves of life, but you’ll have a feeling of safety, and a stability that means you can pick other people up on your way.’
Wellness pioneers Nadia and Katia have spent years helping others to feel their best, but it took them a bit longer to understand how to look after themselves. Here they share the small achievable steps they have learned, and how you can apply them to your own life, wherever you are.
‘What if I forgave myself? What if I forgave myself even though I’d done some things I shouldn’t have? What if all those things I shouldn’t have done were what got me here? What if I was never redeemed? What if I already was?’ Cheryl Strayed
JUST IMAGINE, FOR a minute, that this statement is completely true: there is nothing wrong with you. Say it a few times. See how it feels. Weird, right?
A lot of us are brought up to believe we need to be better in some way. Maybe you were told that you should get top grades at school, or maybe there was something you felt you had to achieve in order to please someone you loved. That’s fine if you got the message you were still lovable, even if you failed the exam or got suspended from school, but if the overall message you heard from your parents or significant people around you was that love had conditions attached, it may be hard, even as an adult, to ever feel you’re good enough.
Don’t get us wrong, we do believe in working hard and doing your best, but what also matters is not so much that you can be good, more that you were already born full of goodness and love.
Other things that have happened to you may lead you to think there’s something wrong with you. A boyfriend may have said one small thing about you when you were going out, and it stuck. Even if you haven’t seen him for years, you may still feel that part of you needs to be fixed or changed. Nadia remembers her best friend in school telling her she should always wear baggy clothes and cover up her legs because they were too skinny. It was only when, as an adult, a friend asked why she always hid her body that she remembered it, and realised it had stayed with her for years.
So think about what early messages you absorbed about yourself. Can you begin to question those messages and ask if they are really true?
Those childhood patterns stay with us, and when we are reminded of them by something that happens in the present, we often find ourselves coming back to the same ingrained message: there is something wrong with me. When something happens in adult life to confirm this – maybe criticism from a boss, or a row with a partner or a friend – we find ourselves dragged into the painful place in our minds where we feel we are not good enough.
Remember that even if you’ve behaved badly, or have done something mean or unkind, that does not make you a terrible person. We all make mistakes. The most self-caring thing you can do right now is forgive yourself.
You may have tried all kinds of ways to escape this feeling of not being good enough. People look for a magic wand to make the pain or empty feeling go away. Maybe you go shopping to feel better, or drink a lot, or have sex with people you don’t like much (because you want them to like you). Or perhaps you go to a tarot card reader in the hope of hearing that things will change because of fate or destiny, rather than because of your own actions.
Some people keep going to different therapists, buying self-help books, going on retreats, visiting gurus and healers, going on diets or fasts, or searching for a way to feel okay about themselves. We understand this – we did this too! And none of this is wrong in itself, but it’s hard to hear the voice inside if you’re always looking for your answers outside.
You will never be rid of the stuff you don’t like, but what if you learn that your flaws are beautiful and you can be friends with them?
That’s not to say there’s anything wrong with wanting to change some behavioural patterns that don’t work for you. Nor that you shouldn’t learn new ways to be and to grow. What we’re saying is, there’s a difference between practising self-care because you think you’re a shitty person who needs fixing, and practising self-care because you are treating yourself in the same way you would treat someone you love.
Think about why you are doing yoga or meditating or exercising, or changing your diet. Be honest. Are you trying to fix something? Or can you learn to see that you’re perfect as you are, with all your flaws and your beauty? Don’t practise self-care to fix yourself, do it out of great love and respect for the person you are and the body you live in.
Write a list of three to five things you like about yourself. If you get stuck, think of someone you love and write three to five things about them instead. See how easy that is? Now, think about you again …
The first few times you do this it may feel tricky, but it will get easier.
To start you off, here is an example:
* I care about other people.
* I like to make people laugh.
* I am loyal.
Now do your own list and see how it feels.
Once you’ve done this, write down three to five things you have done that make you feel proud of yourself.
There will always be some things that trigger you emotionally. It’s human nature to experience pain and loneliness and fear. They are a part of you. The feeling that you are not enough may always come up, but there is a way to deal with it that will leave you feeling like you are enough.
The distinction you want to make is this: it could be you’ve done something wrong, or something has gone wrong, but there is nothing wrong with you.
Here’s how the process works:
* Notice when you feel a negative emotion. This may seem strange at first, because you’ll be sitting outside your thoughts, looking in on your life. Human beings have what’s called negative bias, where we ignore the good stuff and focus on the bad. If you don’t notice your negative bias, and your reaction to it, your not-good-enough button gets pressed.
* So next time you feel an emotional reaction to something someone’s said or done, first notice it. State it to yourself as clearly as this: ‘Oh, here we go.’ Watch yourself react.
* Then notice this: how long does it take from the moment when that feeling is triggered to when it starts to dissipate? An hour, a day, a week? Notice when you try to distract yourself from your dark feeling in your usual way: maybe by shopping, eating or being bad-tempered with someone you love.
* Instead, sit with the feeling. It will suck, it will feel awful, but watch it, as if you were watching a crap movie. Then notice as it changes … and realise it won’t last.
This does take a load of practice and effort, and you may not be able to do it first time. We both have to practise this constantly, having businesses that get publicly reviewed and commented on. We had to learn how to focus on the good stuff and to take the negatives as constructive criticism, showing us how we could improve.
And, if it’s really hard, why not ask someone you love to give you some much-needed perspective?
Think about the qualities you don’t like in yourself. Your anxiety? Loneliness? Paranoia? It’s going to feel strange, but those are the things you need to make friends with. Perfection isn’t what makes people attractive, it’s your flaws and vulnerability that make you, you.
Katia: ‘I’m prone to imposter syndrome. When I start preparing a dinner party for a client, or if I’m creating new recipes for the café, I find myself thinking, this is it: this time everyone will find out that I can’t actually cook. It feels very real. The pressure brings out my insecurity and then I think I’m an imposter. I started to feel better about it when I read that it’s very common with successful women. That means I might be successful, right?!’
Nadia: ‘I used to get super sad when bad things happened and I’d be afraid I couldn’t shift it. But once I accepted that sadness is part of my make-up and I worked on how to look after myself during those bouts, it became more manageable.
‘Now when that feeling comes I think, “Oh shit, here it is”. And I get things in place to make it feel softer, not unlike you would if you were dealing with a child who was sad. You would make sure they felt loved and looked after, that they had nice things to do, and someone to talk to.’
Something quite wonderful. You like who you are more, and it shows. People notice it. You feel comfortable in your skin and in your being, and that is a very attractive quality. Being vulnerable is not a weakness. We all have stuff we don’t like about ourselves, and when we are able to be open and honest about our vulnerabilities, we realise we are not alone in our feelings. Repeat after me: there is nothing wrong with me.
‘I can’t overestimate the importance of accepting ourselves exactly as we are right now, not as we wish we were or think we ought to be.’ Pema Chodron
WE’RE NOT EXPECTING you to fall in love with your body overnight. What we’d like you to do first is notice what you think about yourself when you look in the mirror. Most of us immediately clock something we don’t like: urgh, my ass is too big, I look old, my nose is wrong, why the fuck is one eye smaller than the other? This is the loop that plays in most people’s minds, and we’re yet to meet someone who doesn’t play a version of that old tune.
Being stuck in this groove is not self-care. It is, as you well know, actually being really, really mean to yourself. Would you stand in front of the mirror with your best friend and look at her and say all the things to her that you are saying about yourself? No bloody way! She would be in tears and never want to talk to you again. So why do you think it’s okay to be like that about yourself? You’re sending yourself a negative message every time you catch your reflection in a shop window, or the car mirror.
So, stand in front of a mirror and try to change the script. It will feel strange at first, but keep going. With practice you’ll start to be kinder to your body and less critical of yourself.
* Do you see that there is no one now, or ever will be, anyone on this planet quite like you?
* Can you look at your eyes and thank them for all the beauty they see for you?
* What about your incredible nose, so clever with the aromas it smells and the breath it takes that can send signals to your brain and change your mood?
* That mouth! All that it gets to say, to taste, to inspire.
* All the lines on your face, the lived-in memories of your time on this planet.
* Oh, and then there is that insane body of yours. Its own unique shape. It can give you such incredible pleasure. It heals itself when it is hurt. It breathes for you all day and night without you ever having to remember to turn your breath on or off. It allows you to swim in oceans and climb mountains, to make love and share joy. Think of what it does for you daily, even when you don’t take care of it, even when you criticize it or wish it looked like someone else’s body.
* Look at your reflection. Can you be kind rather than critical?
Have you ever noticed how babies have a different cry for each of the things they need? One cry might mean she wants milk, one that she’s tired, another that she’s uncomfortable, and if you ignore the cries, they get louder and louder, more and more distraught. If you’ve spent time with a baby, you might have, through trial and error, finally learnt what each cry means. But can you identify your own cries or signs? And do you take notice of them?
By the time you’re an adult you’ve got a whole load of different cries – for hunger, thirst or tiredness, but also on an emotional level. For example, you might need love or comfort or reassurance. There are a whole lot of buttons that can get pressed by life, but can you tell your cries apart, or do you let your needs play out, or do you just ignore them?
We have to be so controlled as adult human beings. Remember the last time you felt like crying? If you were in the office or anywhere public you probably had to keep it together. You couldn’t, like a toddler, wail and hold out your arms and expect to be picked up and comforted.
Do you notice what you feel like if you miss a meal? Do you get short-tempered, grumpy or hangry? What happens if you don’t drink enough water; do you feel tired and sluggish? If you drink too much coffee or tea, do you feel jittery and a bit agitated?
The way to understand your body’s cries is by checking in with yourself regularly and working out what you need … before things get to tantrum stage.
Try doing this body scan a few times today. It’s so powerful; it gives you very clear information but it doesn’t need to take more than 30 seconds. You may want to make it a regular habit.
This is all you do:
Sit still with your feet on the ground, eyes closed. Notice your body and pay attention to your breath. How do you feel? How is your energy? What is your posture like? Are you clenching your jaw? Or any other part of your body? What is your mood? Do you have any pain, discomfort or tension? How do you feel emotionally? Are you craving sugar or tea or coffee? Don’t judge, just notice.
When you’ve truly noticed how you feel, ask yourself how you could feel better. Do you need to drink more water? Do you need to step away from the computer and walk around for a couple of minutes?
If you feel pain, that is a warning signal from your body. Don’t ignore it. Go to the doctor, or to a physiotherapist or osteopath. Pain is your body shouting for attention. Paying attention before you get to this point can save you from making things worse.
Scanning helps you to take notice. Only then can you figure out what to do to feel better. A lot of self-care is about noticing, and you’ll find this gets super simple with practice.
We are firm believers that how you look is a reflection of how you feel. When you feel good about yourself, you look amazing. When you don’t feel good about yourself, nothing looks good.
Next time you do something to care for your body, whether it’s exercise or rest, a massage or a nice long bath, notice how you feel afterwards. Are you feeling kinder towards yourself? Do you look at yourself with different eyes? Are you more likely to see the good things?
It’s strange but true: you may not look any different, the dark circles or wrinkles or whatever your mind used to fixate on will likely still be there, but you will see yourself differently. Your lens will have softened; your new focus has given you a new perspective.
That’s the power of self-care: do it and you will experience the incredible feedback loop that changes your thoughts, too … which in turn makes you want to look after yourself more.
How we feel about our looks is filtered through how we feel, full stop. When we feel good, we like ourselves. Keep doing the stuff that makes you feel good.
People think of massage as a luxury – so self-indulgent, a waste of money. But massage, even self-massage, is an amazing tool for helping you to have a better relationship with your body.
We think it’s the best birthday present you could possibly give or have – to show your body some love. It can feel like a lot of money to spend, especially when you don’t have something to show for it, like a new pair of shoes, but think of a massage as an investment in your health and wellbeing.
If you can’t afford to pay for a massage, you could ask a friend or your partner to swap massages with you. You don’t have to be a professional therapist to give someone a good shoulder rub. Maybe your child, or your friend, could massage your feet?
Or you could do this soothing stomach massage on yourself. We learned it from Tanya Goodman, who calls it the Belly Love Method. It’s very calming, as well as being great therapy for an irritable bowel or an upset stomach. You can do this massage while clothed or not, it’s up to you.
Warm up: Seated or standing, begin by vigorously rubbing your palms together until they feel warm. Then make your hands into fists and rub up and down the front of the thighs seven times or so with your knuckles.
Tune in: Place your right palm flat beneath your right rib; this is the area of your liver. Place your left palm on top of your right. Your thumbs should be near your lowest right rib, one on top of the other. This is position one.
Take a slow, deep breath and tune into the rise and fall of your hands. Encourage the breath to rise up from the little fingers to the thumbs. Connect to the shapes and sensations beneath your hands. Encourage your whole belly to rise on the inhale and come back down on the exhale.
Avoid forcing your belly out with your muscles. Imagine instead that you are breathing from your lower belly all the way to your chest: a nice big breath.
Circles: Picture your abdomen with two circles drawn on it: one above the belly button to just below the ribs, and one below your belly button to the bottom of your abdomen.
For the upper belly: With your palms in position one on the right rib, thumbs touching – circle your hands clockwise around the upper circle three times. Then move your hands, still in position one, to below your left rib and circle in the opposite direction three times around the upper circle.
For the lower belly: Begin just above your right hip bone, in line with the middle of your right thigh. Stroke up and across your belly button (right to left), down towards your left hip, cross back above the lower abdomen (left to right), then end above your right hip. Circle three times.
Knee to knee: Place your palms, one on top of the other, above your right knee. Make one big stroke up your right thigh all the way up to your lowest right rib, then go across to your left rib (right to left) and down the left side, pass your left hip and go down your left thigh to above your left knee. Repeat three times.
To end: Separating your hands again, put your right hand on your right thigh, palm down, and your left hand on your left thigh. Just rest your hands and softly inhale and exhale three times with your eyes closed.
‘One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.’ Virginia Woolf
FEEDING YOURSELF WELL is a very simple way to show yourself some love and care every day. If you do one single thing for yourself from this book, take some time to cook a delicious meal that makes you feel good and nourishes your body.
Shopping, prepping and cooking make for the most powerful form of self-love and self-care. Katia has included some of her favourite recipes in this book, and we hope you’ll love them too.
You may be thinking, avocado on toast is about the most I can do when I get home from work. Or, who’s got time to cook every day? But we promise you, make time to learn one new, simple, nourishing recipe a week and in a couple of months you’ll have a roster of staple dishes that make you feel amazing.
Just compare the difference in how you feel the next time you make something wholesome from scratch with fresh ingredients to when you buy something on the run.
Eating well helps you stay mentally well. It is important to care about what you put into your body, too, because it affects not only you but those around you. Don’t think about just filling your empty stomach by grabbing something easy – think about nourishing and loving yourself through food that does you good.
We’d all love to be able to get in from work and just throw together an incredible feast from the fabulous ingredients that just happen to be in the fridge, but the reality is often a little different. Someone has to buy the food and fill the fridge. And packing it with lots of pre-prepared ingredients without any planning can lead to a lot of expensive waste.
A much more sensible approach is to plan your meals. Then you always know you’ll have good food available and won’t end up chucking so much away.
If, like Nadia, this kind of food planning isn’t for you, instead make sure you have a selection of nourishing staples in your fridge or cupboards so you can always put together a little something without too much effort.
Katia is a great planner, and this is how she decides on what she’s eating across a week:
1. Get out your diary and see what’s coming up. Are you out in the evenings? Look at the time you have available to prep and cook this week. Who are you feeding? What time will you eat? Can you cook double for lunch or dinner the next day?
2. Once you know how many meals you need to make, write your shopping list for the week ahead. Ordering the ingredients online is super easy if you’re really busy, but if you’ve got the time, or want to see and feel the food before you buy it, go to the farmers’ market or your local greengrocer and butcher armed with your list.
3.