reading

Suddenly unemployed and single, Anna escapes to her parents’ beautiful house in France for a much needed recharge – and to work out what she wants to do next with her life now her carefully mapped out plan has gone out the window.

Anna gives herself 6 months to recuperate, all the while helping renovate her parents’ adjoining Gites into picturesque b&b’s. But working alongside the ruggedly handsome Sam on the renovation project, she didn’t expect for life to take an unexpected, if not unwelcome, twist…

May

The L Word

Two weeks today will be the first anniversary of our first real date. Being wined and dined in a chic little French restaurant was a gigantic step forward; it signalled the beginning of a new era in my relationship with Karl. Even though at least half of the meal was spent talking about work, his intentions were clear – we were no longer simply colleagues and romance was in the air.

Since then, Karl must have told me that he loves me more than a thousand times. You might think I’m exaggerating, but I can assure you that’s not the case. He usually manages to slip it into the conversation at least three times a day. The first time he said the L word to me, it slid off his tongue so easily I could almost have missed it. It wasn’t a staring into each other’s eyes moment of discovery, just a casual ‘love you, babe’.

As the months rolled by, I pushed aside my growing fear that it was only a word to him. Because it means so much more to me, I freeze whenever he tacks it onto a sentence.

And, yes, I’m very aware that my air of disapproval does make me sound ungrateful and undeserving. But it’s all about self-preservation, you see. I’ll never utter that word again until I’m one hundred per cent certain that the man I’m saying it to believes I’m their soul mate too – the perfect fit.

The last time I uttered the L word, was six years ago. It was to a guy I’d known since childhood and the man I genuinely believed I would marry when the time was right. He was handsome in a rugged way, fired up with ambition and exciting to be around. Sadly, everyone we knew thought we were the perfect couple too, except the guy in question, as it turned out.

Will arrived in my life when I was a very precocious pre-teen and counting down the days to attaining that revered status. I had this fervent belief that overnight my whole life would change. And it did when Will and his family moved into the house next door. It seemed living proof of that fact because in a ridiculously short space of time he became everything to me. The first glance that passed between us was magical and the best birthday present I could ever have been given.

As classmates, we were best friends throughout those traumatic school years when your hormones are changing you in ways you don’t always understand. With it comes a rollercoaster of incredible highs and devastating lows. Dictated by important events in your life like whose party you are invited to and which group you hang around in, you need one true friend. Will was mine and I was his – life couldn’t get any better. But it did… until the day he broke my heart.

The Dilemma

I’m conscious that Lizzie is staring at me across our regular table in our favourite little coffee shop. With the mismatched, scrubbed pine tables and the eclectic mix of upcycled chairs, it’s cosy. You feel like you are sitting in a farmhouse kitchen and there’s always a warm welcome. But then we do spend quite a bit of time here.

Once again, we’re discussing the dilemma that constantly haunts me these days. Namely, how healthy is a relationship that is based on a lie?

‘Of course he loves you, Anna,’ Lizzie responds to the question I blurted out without thinking. With our first anniversary looming Karl doesn’t seem to be signalling any major move forward in our relationship.

But you need to experience the pain of love’s disappointments to be able to understand why it leaves a scar on your heart. Lizzie is very happily caught up in a relationship approaching its second anniversary; and she’s sporting a gorgeous, bought-with-love engagement ring. Daniel is her first and only love and he’s a keeper.

‘You two are always together and Karl dotes on you,’ she offers, emphatically, unable to understand what ails my fragile heart. When I don’t respond she raises her eyebrows, clearly exasperated with me.

‘The move to your new house – it wasn’t a test? Tell me it wasn’t.’ Her jaw drops a little in dismay.

I hang my head. I’m usually an open book to Lizzie, who has been my best friend since I returned to Dursley after university. The fact that I’d fooled her, too, reflects how much effort I’ve put into making my recent decisions seem purposeful and empowering. I wanted Karl to see that I, too, had plans for the future, because that was the truth, even if he wasn’t entirely sure about where we were going as a couple. Waiting around to see what might happen seemed like treading water. But I knew that deep down I had an ulterior motive.

‘He didn’t say a word. It’s a great little house and I love having the extra space, but I really hoped it might make Karl think about what he wants for the future, too.’

'You wanted him to say he’d move in? Or hand you a key to his place? Oh, Anna, maybe it’s simply too soon for him.’

I feel like letting out one long, agonising scream to defuse my mounting sense of frustration. Another year of my life has passed and I really thought this was going somewhere. I hoped that this time it was for real, but as each day passes I’m simply feeling more and more confused. Karl’s lack of interest in discussing our future sucks the joy out of every day we’re together. On paper, he’s perfect; we’re probably the perfect couple. So why do I have this overwhelming feeling that something is wrong? Is this history repeating itself?

‘Or maybe he likes his life the way it is,’ I remark, trying to avoid eye contact with Lizzie as I know she has a soft spot for Karl.

‘Talk to him; tell him how you feel. I’ve heard him say he loves you, he does it all the time.’

And be on the receiving end of that embarrassed smile, the one that signals you are addressing the elephant in the room? If he hasn’t already sensed my growing discomfort about our situation then he doesn’t know me at all. I notice every single time he utters the L word, not for the usual reasons, but because I’ve never once said it back to him. And he has never once noticed that omission. That’s precisely why it worries me.

‘Look, if this is really still about that guy Will, then you have a major problem, Anna. You told me he broke your heart but you aren’t still in love with him, are you?’

‘It’s time you told me exactly what happened with Will, Anna. How else can I be a good friend and understand what’s really going on inside that head of yours?’

I gaze down at my half eaten purple berry with sparkling vanilla frosting, cupcake. It’s delicious but my appetite seems to have suddenly disappeared. I look around and today only half of the tables are occupied so it’s not as if anyone can overhear our conversation. With that, I take a big breath and begin.

‘As you know, Will and I were really close friends all through secondary school. When he told me he, too, had accepted a place at the University of the West of England, I was over the moon. I knew his father wanted him to go to Reading and with two firm offers I assumed he’d bow to family pressure. I could hardly contain my joy, even though we were still only friends at that point. Will standing up to his father was a shock and, silently, I loved him even more for it because I thought he’d made that decision so we could be together. I was facing the future confident that our relationship would develop on a more personal level.’

I notice that Lizzie too, has now stopped eating. She waves to the waitress to order two more coffees and I find myself shifting around in my seat, uncomfortably. Reliving this incident isn’t easy, even after all this time.

‘Over the next eighteen months our friendship developed into a passionate love affair and we became inseparable. Always together, always having fun and always at the centre of what was happening. We were the couple our friends envied, as they went through the trials of falling in and out of love.

‘Will often joked about the pressure on guys to make a huge deal over the proposal; he warned me not to expect any more than flowers and a Chinese takeaway. We laughed about it and even talked about finding our dream flat overlooking Bristol Harbourside once we had both graduated.’

‘Ah, that’s heart-breaking, Anna. So what exactly happened to make the relationship fall apart?’ Lizzie looks at me anxiously and I can’t bear to see the sadness she’s feeling on my behalf.

‘Something changed between us and I found myself looking for any reason at all to avoid facing the truth. I told myself he was under pressure with a project he was working on and that’s why I was seeing less and less of him. I believed his excuses.’

I nod. ‘I realise, with hindsight, that there were three of us in the relationship at that point. The third person was a girl named Cassandra. She was always around us and it had been that way more or less since we’d arrived on the campus. It was understandable in a way, as she was on the same course as Will. Or, at least, that’s what I told myself.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me there was someone else involved? I just assumed it fizzled out between the two of you. Honestly, Anna, it’s not good to keep a hurt like that a secret.’ Lizzie’s reaction makes me feel guilty for holding this back.

I shake my head, busying myself putting sugar in my coffee to avoid eye contact.

‘I was young and naïve; I just didn’t see it coming. One Friday night we ended up tagging along with a large group of friends to a wine bar in Clifton, in Bristol. We were celebrating the start of the Christmas holidays. Will had been in a bad mood all day and started drinking quite heavily early on in the evening. I was finding him increasingly more difficult to read and physically it had been weeks since we’d shared a bed. Eventually, there were only eight of us left. I was sitting directly opposite Will, deep in conversation with a girl named Sally. She was on the same course as me. Suddenly I heard raised voices and when I turned to look across at Will, I saw that Cassandra was sitting next to him and his eyes were blazing. She put a hand on Will’s shoulder in an attempt to calm him down and keep him seated, but he struggled to his feet. Heads were starting to turn in the direction of our table as people began to wonder what the noise was all about.

‘His words were slurred, “You don’t think I’ve had enough of this pretence?” but clear enough. Even above the sound of the music thumping away in the background everyone around our table heard. And realised what was going on. Heads then turned in my direction as faces fell. I watched in horror as the little scene played out. Will stomped out of the bar, without a backwards glance. Cassandra looked around at our shocked faces and her reaction was one of total disbelief. For a few brief seconds she closed her eyes and when she opened them again she stared straight at me. My jaw had dropped and I felt as if I was frozen to the spot. All eyes were on the two of us and I struggled to keep my composure.

‘Suddenly she jumped up, muttering “I’m sorry,” as she chased after Will. The truth had surfaced and I was devastated. Cassandra was in a long term relationship with a guy from her home town. I thought she was lonely and didn’t mind her tagging along. It never crossed my mind for one second that there was anything going on between her and Will. As it turned out, they’d been sleeping together for a while and he was pressing her to break up with her boyfriend. I wasn’t even his first concern and I have no idea when he would have told me what was going on. The only way to move on from that humiliating episode was by promising myself that when it came to affairs of the heart I would never take anything for granted ever again.’

‘Oh, Anna – now it all makes a lot more sense! You must have felt so humiliated, being strung along like that.’

‘Karl saying the L word in such a casual way all the time sets alarm bells ringing for me. He’s never declared his love; I mean, told me why he loves me. And doesn’t he wonder why I don’t say it back to him? Everything else between us is perfect; well, except for the lie we’ve been living, of course.’

Lizzie sighs. ‘And I was just happy for you to have found someone at long last! No wonder you have trust issues, Anna. But then, having to keep your relationship a secret doesn’t help, does it? I can now fully understand your concerns.’

‘The truth is that I wouldn’t normally have accepted the situation but when Karl asked me out we’d been working in the same department together for almost five months. Friendship sort of slid into dating so it all felt rather natural and, I suppose, comfortably safe from my point of view, given my understandably cautious instincts. I began to think that we were destined to meet and that maybe this really was it. Here was a man I already admired, who was both charming and reliable. Someone I could finally trust. He knew what he wanted out of life and was determined to get it; it’s a quality to which I seem to be irresistibly drawn. He wasn’t afraid of saying the L word, either, and I wanted to believe him – really I did. But he doesn’t talk to me about our future together as a couple, it’s always about work and the team hitting those targets.’

‘This no fraternisation policy in your contract is a big deal, isn’t it?’ Lizzie’s voice is full of concern.

‘Yes, because Karl is my line manager and Creative Connect Advertising’s terms of employment are clear. When he first suggested we keep our relationship a secret he said it would only be for a little while. I know, it’s crazy and I should have said no but Karl said we worked well together and that true professionals should have no problem whatsoever in keeping their work and their private lives separate. The company are focusing on the ethics of the commercially sensitive information we often deal with. Now I’m beginning to feel increasingly uncomfortable about it. Karl dismisses my concerns with a wave of his hand but it all feels very wrong – emotionally, morally and contractually. Doesn’t every woman want the man who proclaims his love to her to shout it out to the world proudly? When you find your soul mate that should be a life changing event, shouldn’t it? I’ve been waiting with bated breath to hear Karl say that it’s time to tell HR that we’re together and face the consequences. I’ll probably be the one who is moved out of the department, not him. What I fear is that I mean more to him as a member of his team, than I do as a partner.’

Lizzie reaches across to pat my arm. ‘You can’t possibly go on like this indefinitely, Anna. You must understand that Karl doesn’t know what you’ve been through, though, or how anxious you are. He won’t have any idea about your concerns over whether this is some excuse or not, but you can’t assume he has a hidden agenda. You’re a sensitive soul, my friend, and yet you’re so careful to hide that from the world. It’s not right to hide it from Karl if you think he’s the one. Not being straight with your employer is out of character so that tells me he’s special to you.’

It’s time to head back and when we hug goodbye I’m glad that Lizzie finally knows everything.

I drive home wondering whether a part of me didn’t want to tackle the issue head on with Karl. Do I want to commit to a man who puts his career before us? If I make a fuss then maybe he will come clean but what if I only think I’m in love with him? Is it only my gutting disappointment that he’s happy to continue to live a lie that keeps me from giving him an ultimatum?

A Case of Less Meaning More

Karl appreciates detail. He's attentive and demonstrative; handsome and successful in a way that other people often envy. At six foot four he has presence; he’s also a man who works at keeping himself in shape and well groomed. Dark, almost navy blue eyes and that jet black hair certainly have my heart skipping a beat. He’s a catch and he could probably have any woman he wanted. Enjoy it while it lasts, Anna, I say to myself as I let him kiss my cheek. He lingers, his lips brush the tip of my ear and he whispers, ‘I love you, lady’.

As usual, I smile and hug him, then pull away. I imagine the chalk board and the scraping sound as I write #1; maybe today he’ll eclipse his record. Or maybe this is the day when he’ll stop to explain why he loves me and what exactly I mean to him. And then tell me how desperate he is to hear me say those words back to him; to know that I feel the same way. Or maybe this will simply be yet another day in our cosy relationship that doesn’t really move us forward at all.

‘I hope this film is as good as they say it is,’ he remarks casually. The awkward moment passes, seemingly without him noticing and he takes my hand in his, urging me forward in the queue.

As we take our seats he checks that my line of visibility is clear and fusses over folding my coat and placing it on the empty seat next to him.

The film is a comedy I’ve been looking forward to seeing, but I’m not in the mood because I can’t switch off my thoughts and relax. Instead, I keep glancing at Karl’s profile, watching his face in repose and instinctively smiling when he breaks out in peals of laughter.

When we first arrived, I noticed at least a dozen women in the seats behind us watching his every move. But I’m the woman on his arm, so why do I feel so insecure? He’s a man of many words, but I’m not convinced about the depth of emotion some of those words carry. It’s easy to say the things people want to hear, isn’t it? And it’s easy to hear something and read more into it than actually exists. I’ve been there once already and the scars take a long time to heal.

Karl sidles up to me. Nestling his body up against my back, he wraps his arms around my waist to give me a hug. I continue to unwrap a few cheeses and lay them out on a platter, laughing as he buries his head in my hair. We always come back to my place after a night out. He lives like a bachelor and his fridge is never stocked.

I tried to join in with the spirit of the film but with my head filled with so many conflicting emotions it was hard to concentrate. I’m on the brink of challenging him about our situation and telling him how unhappy I am with the way things are. Tonight, all I could think about was how I would begin that conversation. But there’s an underlying problem. Assuming that Karl immediately wants to do the right thing and make me happy, rather than risk losing me, what if I don’t suddenly feel my life is complete, after all?

What if things don’t fall nicely into place? It’s like I have this disconnect. I want to love him; I want this to be right. However, I can’t engage until he’s proven beyond any doubt whatsoever that he loves me. Only then will I truly know how I feel and hopefully be able to say that back to him.

‘Hey,’ he turns me round so he can stare into my eyes. I have a cheese knife in one hand and a piece of kitchen towel in the other. ‘I don’t like to think of my girl overdoing it. If you need to take some time off the boss is saying yes.’

When he looks down at me with that look on his face it’s a different Karl I see. There is a vulnerable streak there, a softness to him that never shows at work.

‘I’ll be fine. It’s only that… sometimes I’m not sure what the future holds.’

Damn it, Anna, why do you have to soften it? Ask him outright! Or are you scared you won’t get the answer you think you want?

‘The future is bright, I can promise you that. We’re going to be trail blazers, Anna. You’re going to love being driven around in a Porsche and taken to the best restaurants. And it’s not just my success we’re talking about here, Anna, we’re a team. Your parents are going to be very proud of their daughter’s achievements.’

‘I just want to be happy, Karl, and have a good work/life balance. Work is only a part of it.’

‘I see this as a start and my aspirations go way beyond that. I don’t want a mediocre life, I want it all – for us. One day I’m going to run my own company and prove to my father I have what it takes.’

I met Karl’s parents once and that was enough. I felt uncomfortable in their company, as if I wasn’t good enough for their son. Which was bad enough, but the way his father treated him was appalling. He kept asking questions and challenging every single little thing. I knew Karl was embarrassed and we hardly spoke a word on the journey back home.

‘Money and material things don’t necessary bring happiness, Karl.’ I catch his eye, even though I can see he doesn’t want to listen.

‘I don’t intend settling for mediocrity, Anna. It’s not my style. And you deserve more. Why wouldn’t I want to give you a wonderful lifestyle? I love you, babe. And don’t forget that our first anniversary is nearly here and we need to do something special to mark the occasion.’

He tucks his head into my neck and kisses my ear lobe. My heart skips a beat knowing that he’s remembered and that means something, doesn’t it?

‘Together we are unbeatable, Anna. We won’t always have to be so focused on work. There will come a point when we can take time out to enjoy the fruits of our success. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?’

He swings me around and I catch my breath, wondering what damage a wavering cheese knife could inflict if he doesn’t stop. I look up at him, smiling. When he isn’t trying to impress anyone at all and he’s just being himself, I like the person I see. He’s warm and caring when he isn’t wearing his work hat.

‘Somewhere quiet; some island where the water is crystal clear and you can see the fish just swimming around. Tall palm trees overhead and no Wi-Fi.’

‘No, I’m not joking. All I need is a hut with a bed and a net to keep out the bugs, some sunscreen and my Kindle. Oh, and a rather handsome man at my elbow to make me cocktails.’

‘Done. Just give me a little time to get everything sorted and I’ll whisk you away to the island of your dreams for a belated anniversary celebration. I promise. In the meantime, I have a little pre-anniversary present for you in the boot of my car. Wait here.’

I turn back to the countertop and finish loading up the platter, then get some plates and head for the dining room.

I hear his footsteps and a funny noise indicating hands grasping cardboard and now I’m curious.

‘Put out your hands. No, not like that – as if you’re going to stop someone.’

I swivel my hands back round and tip my palms upwards, like someone doing a silent mime. He shuffles forward and suddenly I feel a box; rather a big box.

I let my hands wander to either side of it, estimating it’s at least three feet wide.

The box is big and heavy, probably about six inches deep and four feet long. Karl carries it over to lean it up against the wall and then begins unpacking it. It ends up being a team effort and he holds the contents while I pull the box away from him. It’s well packed, that’s for sure and polystyrene beans cascade down over the floor.

And there it is – a beautiful oval Victorian mirror; not a reproduction but the real thing. The silvered, plaster frame is very ornate in style with acorns and leaves intertwined in sharp relief to the smooth background surface. The glass has a slight grey cast, mottled by typical black spots where the silver mercury backing has broken down with age. It’s simply beautiful.

‘I love it! And the frame is in such great condition. And look at that glass. You simply can’t compare it to anything modern at all. Doesn’t the vein-like mottling to the silver make a reflection look softer?’

Karl comes to stand next to me as we stare down at the mirror which is now lying on the sofa.

‘If you say so; or we could both be breaking out in spots. I knew you’d love it, though, the moment I saw it. Well, it was between that and a silver statue of a stag. I was torn between the two but I could just imagine you checking your make-up in it while you were waiting for me to pick you up.’

I throw my arms around him and am touched that he picked such a thoughtful gift. I have dragged Karl out to tour antique shops several weekends in a row now. I’ve been looking for items that will hopefully begin to make this house feel like a home. More space seemed like a good idea, but then I was hoping it was going to be space for two.

His arms are now around me and he lifts me off my feet as if I’m as light as a feather. Then he lowers me back onto the ground so that he can kiss the top of my head.

‘Can I stay over tonight? I’ll head off early in the morning to go back home and change.’

If only he would move in a few items and take over one of the wardrobes, maybe the idea of living here permanently would grow on him. That would be a good sign, a sign that he’s thinking about making a commitment. But instead I have to settle for having him in my bed tonight. That’s no hardship as it’s wonderful to fall asleep wrapped in his arms. When Karl is here, he acts like my protector. That makes me feel special and wanted. But when he’s gone it’s like the illusion is over and I know that something is missing from our relationship. I think about him when he isn’t here but does he think about me?

Good News Travels Fast

You know that moment in life when you can almost feel your heart missing a beat, but not in a good way? I look down at my phone in utter disbelief and re-read the text for the third time.

Hey, babe. I’m on my way to Robert’s office right now – this could signal some very good news! It looks like that promotion he’s been talking about might actually become a reality and the offer could be on the table today! If I’m right and he calls you in, too, then just follow my lead and be very careful what you say if he asks about us – remember, they can’t prove a thing. Looks like all our hard work might be about to pay off. Love you, babe x

I’m stunned. They can’t prove a thing? Was it only ever about the promotion that Karl has had so firmly in his sights ever since we began working together? He wouldn’t even have been in line for a promotion if it hadn’t been for the successes the team have achieved in the last six months. We’re both aware of my key role in that and how uncomfortable I’ve been living a lie to keep him happy. So, it seems he expects our relationship to continue on in secret and that’s a major blow for me. I can see now that the damage has already been done and he can’t afford to be seen in a bad light. What a fool I’ve been!

I throw my mobile back into my handbag and ease myself out of the chair. Running my fingers through my sleek, dark brown bob, I straighten my skirt and slip on my jacket. Am I being unfair? Is he really the only one guilty of seeing our potential and what we could achieve together professionally? If that’s the case, Anna, then why aren’t you punching the air with excitement?

As I set off my stomach begins to churn. Karl has just asked me to lie about us again, but this time it’s one denial too far. We’re so good together and if he truly loves me, as he says he does, then surely he’d want to resolve our problem? Yes, I’m in shock still from his text and I’m feeling hurt, but it also means someone has been talking about our relationship. As I walk through the main, open plan admin area I can almost feel a pair of overly made up eyes watching my every step as I enter the lift and the door closes.

Serin and Karl only dated for a short while but they had nothing to hide as they didn’t work directly together. It’s painful knowing that their relationship was common knowledge but ours is a secret. And she’s a threat that never goes away. I know you’re watching me, lady, and you’ll stop at nothing to win him back. Serin takes every opportunity she can to fawn over him and I’ve overhead people gossiping about whether they will eventually get back together again. And then I realise that’s why keeping our relationship a secret hurts so much, because Karl is in no hurry to tell the world he’s taken. Serin has obviously seen us alone together somewhere and read the signs. She’d love to step back into his life and see him push me aside.

I swallow hard before knocking on Robert’s door: this is it, the moment of truth. I have no idea what exactly I’m walking into and my pulse begins to race.

‘Morning, Anna. Please, take a seat. We’ve just been talking about you and the amazing sales figures following the very successful Port-a-Vac advertising campaign. We have one very happy client and Karl, here, has been telling me you came up with the original premise.’

I’m sitting directly across the desk from Robert and my eyes briefly flick over to Karl, who is sitting to my right. The look on his face makes my stomach churn. He’s sitting there beaming from ear to ear as if he’s won the lottery, after calmly texting me to be careful about what I say! Karl might be able to take all of this in his stride, but I’m worried sick and would prefer to come clean and face the consequences before we go any further.

‘It’s a very good product and a household essential. People already knew what it does so I simply felt that focusing on lifestyle and image was a better way to engage the customer.’

‘Great stuff. Anyway, the reason I’ve called you here this morning is to inform you that we are restructuring the department. Karl is going to be heading up a new section to focus on our biggest accounts. We want to give our valued customers a more personal service and, in much the same way as you turned the traditional thought processes upside down, we’re re-thinking customer care.’

Karl is now starting to look a little nervous. His body language is saying one thing, but I know him too well and I can see that nervous tic at the side of his mouth.

‘Instead of clients coming to us when they have a new product all ready to launch, we’ll be sending in an advance team for early discussions way ahead of that stage. We feel it’s a win-win scenario. We’re more likely to pick up the new business because we’ll already have worked up some early branding ideas. And the added bonus is that the process itself might also influence the client’s decision making at design stage. Karl said that as a direct result of the Port-a-Vac ad the company actually expanded their colour range.’

He’s looking at me for a response and I plaster on my work smile, maintaining eye contact.

Robert laughs. ‘Excellent. And that’s precisely why we’re offering you a promotion to step up and become Karl’s second-in-command, deputy manager of the new Customer Focus team. If the trial is successful we’ll be looking to expand this side of the operation very quickly. And you guys will set the bar when it comes to rolling out this initiative. To begin with it will entail you working side by side and covering virtually the whole of the country. We’re going to target six key accounts to begin with, but within a year we hope to have a growing team of account executives to mirror the model you guys will be trialling. By then we see you taking on more of a mentoring and developmental role. We would like you to become trouble shooters, if you like, overseeing the set up and possibly leading to further promotion. Our company values people with drive and vision; for they are crucial to our survival in today’s market place.’

Now it’s my turn to feel uncomfortable as two pairs of eyes are trained directly on me. I know Karl is holding his breath. Robert, as usual, is impatient to get things moving along.

‘How does that sound, Anna? HR are putting together a package for you to look at and it will be on your desk within the next hour. Obviously, it will mean a lot of time on the road travelling, but I assume that won’t be a problem for you? But before you give me an answer, there’s a little issue we need to address.’

He turns his head to look directly at Karl. My heart is thumping in my chest as I watch them making eye contact, Karl trying to remain cool and composed under Robert’s scrutiny.

‘There have been rumours circulating for a while now and I can no longer turn a blind eye. Everyone in the company is aware of how closely you guys work together and I’ve appreciated that, because it’s been productive. The results you’ve produced have inspired this whole restructuring and made us re-think the way we’re going to handle our business in the future. That’s quite something. But if you see your working relationship developing into something more permanent, then I might need to adjust the plan a little.’

Karl’s smile is so fake that it’s like a mask, giving away nothing of the turmoil that’s probably going on inside his head right now. I look at him, hoping that finally he will do the right thing. Robert is giving him a chance to get this out in the open and maybe find a way around it.

‘Nothing could be further from the truth, Robert. Naturally, both Anna and I are used to spending a lot of time together because we are both totally committed to what we do. Speaking for myself, I think we make a good team on a professional level and I like to think that it works equally as well for Anna.’

A slight frown passes over Robert’s face. ‘To be clear, what you are saying is that neither of you have an issue with the no fraternisation policy? It’s there for a very legitimate reason, to safeguard both our clients’ interests and those of our colleagues. Nothing divides a team more than the conflict when personal relationships complicate matters.’

Karl’s face doesn’t flinch. ‘Understood, and I can assure you there is nothing remotely personal going on between Anna and myself. We simply make a good team and spark off each other, which benefits both our clients and the company.’

How can he sit there and say that in front of me? How can he deny us without a second thought – when ‘love you, babe’ trips so easily off his tongue? He’s lying to Robert but the question in my mind is was he lying to me all along?

I’m so angry and confused that I don’t know what to do. I’ve lived in dread of something like this happening and now all my worst fears have been confirmed. If I make an admission now then I’m destroying two people’s careers. If Robert directs the question at me next, I’m sunk. I don’t know if I can hold back the angry words forming in my head and it will be a brutal outpouring. I’ll leave him in no doubt whatsoever about what’s really been going on. I take a deep breath, not at all sure what I’m going to say until the words are suddenly there.

‘Actually, Robert, I’m making some major changes in my life at the moment and it was my intention to hand in my resignation this morning. I’m sorry that the timing of this isn’t the best, but I’m sure you’ll easily find another candidate who can assist Karl in this exciting new challenge. Someone who isn’t sleeping with him but then that doesn’t really appear to mean anything, anyway.’

The silence hangs uncomfortably between the three of us. It’s not only Karl’s jaw that has dropped as they both stare back at me in total disbelief. I can only hope my own face isn’t giving anything away, because I’m equally as horrified as they are by the words that have just slipped out of my mouth with no prior thought whatsoever.

‘Anna, I was only trying to protect you… Robert, this was a situation we were going to resolve, I can give you my utmost assurance of that.’

Resolve? How? I’ve not even left the room and he’s already focused on damage limitation, first and foremost. When I turn and walk towards the door I push back my shoulders and straighten my spine. One thing no one can accuse me of is being a coward when it comes to drawing a line. And the line has now been drawn.

One Moment of Glory and Then Reality Dawns

The sense of elation is momentary; a transient feeling of power and being in control. A natural reaction, I tell myself, considering the way Karl has treated me. But even before I get back to my desk I’m tearful and panicky. I have one month to sort out my life and find myself another job. Was making that impulsive decision to resign worth it?

My email to HR is brief and I don’t offer any form of explanation. Less than twenty minutes later their acknowledgement informs me that I am being granted thirty days paid gardening leave to commence with immediate effect. After which, my employment with the company will cease. The HR manager reminds me of the commercial-in-confidence clause within my contract and informs me I have until the end of the day to clear my desk. It’s like a slap in the face. So my hard work counts for nothing, nothing at all.

Well, at least that means I don’t have to face the humiliation of coming back into the office while I’m serving my notice. Rumours won’t begin circulating until tomorrow, if I’m lucky. I don’t want to be around when people start asking what happened and why.

As I’m re-reading HR’s email for the third time, still reeling a little, a notification alert pops up and there’s an email from Karl.

Hey, babe. Well, that was unexpected. I’m not even sure I understand what happened. I didn’t mean anything I said, I assumed you’d know that – it was just a way of getting around the situation. Fortunately, Robert was fine about it all after you left and said he thought it was for the best. But I was shocked and I will miss having you by my side. Still, you took one for the team and I owe you. It’s full steam ahead and Robert said it was good to clear the air. When everything is up and running I’m sure I can talk Robert into welcoming you back. We can say that your plans for the future didn’t quite work out as you’d hoped and that we’ve started seeing each other again.

Fist pumping the air! We did it and I’ll soon have you back at my side – what do you say? I must go – Robert has called me into a meeting so I’ll catch up with you as soon as I can. We’ll sort this, don’t worry. Love you, babe, you’re the best!

Am I missing something here? It takes two to have an affair and yet Robert is prepared to overlook Karl’s part in this deception. That’s unbelievable, given that first of all he was my boss and secondly, he stood there and blatantly lied to his face. I stand up and tell the truth and I’m treated as if I was the only one breaking the rules. Talk about double standards!

Why had I let Karl talk me into doing something I knew from the start was wrong and which pushed aside my principles as if they meant nothing? Am I so desperate to be loved that I’m willing to pay any price at all? And now I have nothing. No relationship and no job. Karl, on the other hand, has a nice promotion and still thinks he can waltz back into my life when it’s convenient. You’ve just shown your true colours, Karl, and now I know the reason I was feeling so hesitant. It wasn’t my past insecurities but my instincts screaming at me that I was in danger of making a big mistake. Why, oh, why, didn’t I listen?

I leave the office less than an hour later without attracting any undue attention. I’m often out and about so it’s not unusual and the few personal things I keep in the office barely fill a small carrier bag. I feel like I’m slinking away, though, and I keep telling myself that maybe I played into Robert’s hands. Karl is the one he wanted and I’m collateral damage.

For some inexplicable reason, when I arrive home I throw myself into cleaning the house from top to bottom. I suppose it helps to have something to do while I try to take it all in. I keep going over and over some of the things that have happened in the past and suddenly I’m seeing it from a slightly different perspective. Two hours pass and I’m just finishing off in the bathroom when the doorbell rings. As I open it, I realise I’m still wearing my bright pink rubber gloves.

‘Babe, you didn’t respond to my text. We were lucky Robert took it so well but that was a big risk you took there. Here, why are you cleaning? Let’s take those off.’

Karl steps inside and immediately begins to slip the gloves from my hands, throwing them onto the console table in the hallway.

‘We need to talk through what happens next,’ he adds, apparently totally unfazed by today’s events.

He turns and walks into the sitting room and I follow him, trying to keep up with what he’s saying.

‘… the meeting went well and things need to be put in place rather quickly now. I’m not going to be around much at the start and the panic is on to replace you. But you’re a tough act to follow and it isn’t going to be easy. I wish we’d had more notice as that was a bit drastic, Anna. You didn’t have to resign; we could have found a way around it if you’d stuck to the plan.’

‘With us. It’s over. The fact that you could so easily dismiss what we have when you had no idea how I’d react to that. Didn’t you think I’d be at least a little hurt by what you said and maybe see that as something to be concerned about?’

‘It’s business, what’s your problem? We did what we had to do for me to get that promotion. I was doing it for both of us and we each had to make a sacrifice. We only have to wait a short while and then I tell everyone how much I miss you, so much so that I ask you to marry me.’

From where I’m standing Karl made his sacrifice seem worryingly easy; too easy. And now, it seems, his plans extend way beyond a mere promotion. Isn’t that something he should have mentioned before now?

‘Everything that has happened goes against the grain for me. I can’t go on like this, Karl. We both want different things out of life and I think that’s become increasingly obvious as time has gone on. I wish you luck and great success but I can’t be a part of your future plans.’

‘You are joking, Anna, aren’t you? Where has all this sudden disapproval come from? I thought we were clear from day one about where we were heading.’

I turn on my heel and head towards the hallway. A few seconds pass and I’m already standing with the front door open when he eventually walks up to me.

‘You’re heading out of my life, Karl, and I’m going to have a long think about what I’m going to do next. This chapter in my life is now firmly closed.’

It’s a full week before I pluck up the courage to ring Mum. The glow from the satisfaction of handing in my resignation lasted what, three minutes at most? After that it was like being on a rollercoaster heading towards the ground at a terrifying speed. I’ve never hit rock bottom as fast as I did later that night. Sitting at home, alone and wondering what the hell I was going to do next was the most depressing moment of my entire life. And I thought I’d already experienced that several years’ ago.

Just the sound of Mum’s voice is like the hug I so badly need right now. Warm and comforting.

Mum and Dad moved to France ten months ago. It’s something they intended to do when they retired, but when Dad was made redundant it seemed logical to bring their plans forward. Neither Mum nor Dad were happy at the thought of us being parted when the day finally came to wave them off. However, I encouraged them to go for it because the time was right. After all, I’m an independent woman and they should be able to stop worrying about me and put themselves first for a change.

Admittedly, set in the Loire-Atlantique department in western France, Saint-Julien-de-Vouvantes is about six hundred miles away from my home in the market town of Dursley, in Gloucestershire. But my life seemed to be finally settling down and we said our goodbyes the day they sold their house nearby, safe in the knowledge that I wasn’t alone. After all, I had Karl by my side. Well, almost, because he lived in Stroud, about a fifteen minute drive away from the office. That was another reason why my move to a bigger house on the same new build development in Dursley was crazy. I was so sure he’d step in at some point before I could sign on the dotted line. But the disappointments just kept on coming right up to the end.

I tune back in, trying not to sigh at Mum’s blissful state of total ignorance.

‘– and we’re already fully booked for the entire summer season. It’s marvellous, isn’t it?’

This is great news, but it takes a lot of effort to make myself smile enough to lift my voice.

‘Oh, yes. Dad’s done well and it’s been a blessing, as you know, having English builders virtually on our doorstep. The Callaghans have become great friends. Neil and Sarah have been so supportive and their son, Sam, is still working here. He recently began renovating the first of those two dilapidated stone buildings in the orchard that we’re planning on turning into gîtes. It’s all so exciting seeing our dream coming alive.’

‘Ah, thanks lovey. Neil obtained the permis de construire for us and we had the mayor, Bastien Deniaud, to dinner to talk about our plans for the gîtes. Many of our bookings came from Bastien’s referrals and we’re turning people down for the peak weeks on a daily basis. How we’re going to cope with all the rooms full, I have no idea, but Sarah has offered to help out.’

THE FRENCH ADVENTURE

Lucy Coleman

About The French Adventure

Contents

May

The L Word

The Dilemma

A Case of Less Meaning More

Good News Travels Fast

One Moment of Glory and Then Reality Dawns