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Mercier Press, Unit 3b, Oak House, Bessboro Rd, Blackrock, Cork, Ireland

MERCIER PRESS

3B Oak House, Bessboro Rd

Blackrock, Cork, Ireland.

www.mercierpress.ie

www.twitter.com/IrishPublisher

www.facebook.com/mercier.press

ISBN: 978 1 78117 532 3

Epub ISBN: 978 1 78117 533 0

Mobi ISBN: 978 1 78117 534 7

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For Rose, Freda and Joe

Introduction

First of all, congratulations. You’re going to be a dad. This is going to change your life in ways you can’t imagine. Some of them are even good!

Jokes aside, a new child is going to rock your world, physically and emotionally. I want to give you a full flavour of what it’s like, the lows as well as the highs. Most of the stuff I read before my kids came along focused on the amazing aspects of fatherhood. Looking back now, I wish someone had told me it isn’t all leisurely walks with the buggy and trying to get them to say ‘Dada’ as their first word.

Your living room can be a lonely place at two in the morning, when you are pacing around trying to put your son to sleep. There is a sleep-deprived temptation to feel down about this and think you must be doing something wrong. You aren’t. At some point in the next year you will end up walking the boards with a cranky child on your shoulder. It’s part of your job.

As for losing the will to live in a restaurant because your kid has just spilled its second glass of apple juice on your pants – that also comes with the territory. Feel like crying because you’ve had two hours’ sleep and you can’t find your car keys? Snap. (Everything is lost, all the time, when you have kids.) Wondering if you made a big mistake and you’d do anything to get your old life back? It happens, but not for long.

Here’s the thing. Kids are amazing. Mine are the best thing that ever happened to me and I wouldn’t hand them back for the world. (Not even for a naughty weekend in Berlin.) I’m sure every dad will tell you the same thing about his little home-wreckers.

But they’re tough at the same time. I remember a friend telling me that his kids were fantastic, it was just a pity he was too tired to enjoy them. That’s how it can feel sometimes. As if you are a spectator, thinking, this is amazing, but I really need to go and have a lie down.

I want this book to help you enjoy your kids as much as possible. For starters, you should know you are not alone, that we all struggle when there are kids under our feet. More than anything, I hope this book gives you a laugh. It’s worth pointing out that I have written large parts of this tongue-in-cheek. That’s another way of saying, don’t sue me if you follow some piece of advice and your toddler gets stuck in the washing machine.

Honestly, I know as much about fatherhood as any other dad. I’d like to thank my amazing kids, Freda and Joe, for their patience as I learned on the job.

Above all, I’d like to thank my out-of-this-world wife, Rose, for teaching me pretty much everything I know about parenting. If it was left to me, my kids would still be wearing nappies and eating baby rice on their first day of college. Rose has done most of the planning when it comes to child-rearing; anything I did was just following orders.

One more thing. She asked me not to discuss our sex life in this book. So the title, No Sex, No Sleep, applies to other couples, not us. (If you must know, we’re at it like rabbits.)