Contents

About the Book

Sleep smarter

‘The indispensable bedside classic’ Leland Carlson, Assistant Vice President of the Dull Men’s Club

This Book Will Send You to Sleep makes no claims to be fun or interesting. It is a book you can read in full confidence that you will find absolutely nothing to stimulate your brain. A book, like no other, that will afford you much sleep and copious amounts of pointless knowledge.

Where else will you read about the political crisis in Belgium 2007–2011 or study the growth pattern of holly? And from where else can you find, in one place an overview of railway gauges, a summary of the administrative bureaucracy of the Byzantine Empire and instructions for the creation of a collapsible music stand?

Prepare to fall fast asleep with the most boring book ever published.

About the Author

Professor K. McCoy specialises in the analysis of hypnotic states and somnambulism. She lives on the Coast and spends one hour every day, except Mondays, moving rocks to build a sea wall. Dr Hardwick is an expert in stereotypical lethargy. He is one of the world’s foremost authorities on and curators of screwdrivers.

Introduction

In our many years of research at the Institute of Pointless Studies, one important question that we have tried to address is the problem of insomnia and insufficient sleep. If you are trying to get sufficient sleep, it is important to have as little mental stimulation as possible. The most desirable state of mind to cultivate is one of boredom, lassitude and disinterest. As part of our research we have studied hypnotic states, somnambulism, stereotypical lethargy, mind-decelerating pharmacology and devoid phenomenology. In one five-year experiment, Professor K. McCoy encouraged her subjects to spend 15 hours a day in a darkened room listening to white noise and meditating on the void. Unfortunately none of the subjects were willing to continue to the end of the experiment, but the preliminary results in terms of sleep were most encouraging.

While some of the traditional methods of getting to sleep, such as counting sheep or listening to sounds of ocean waves, have had erratic results in experimental settings, we have established that the most consistently successful strategy is to read a book until you achieve a state of sufficient sleepiness. The challenge is to avoid books that are too exciting or intriguing, as the last thing you want when you are preparing for sleep is powerful mental stimulation. Many novels or works of non-fiction have at least some ability to fascinate the reader and to provoke unwanted trains of thought which, if not checked, may spiral into a state of dreadful wakefulness.

As a response to this discovery we compiled this collection of short texts. Each page is guaranteed to be devoid of excitement. All challenging or stimulating elements have been removed, and we have endeavoured to set and design the text in such a way as to befuddle the mind, inducing a state of hypnotic dreaminess and languor. The text has been prepared by a team of high-grade bores, emotionless drones and experts in dispiritingly pointless areas of academia. Professor McCoy’s illustrations and designs add an additional layer of soporific confusion which is guaranteed to induce a powerful state of lethargy. In experiments, these texts have put 97 per cent of subjects to sleep within ten minutes 58 per cent of the time in 73 per cent of the conditions studied within an acceptable range of experimental error. Consequently we have gathered these experimental texts together into this book. We sincerely hope you find it as boring to read as we did to write it.

Professor K. McCoy and Dr Hardwick

The Political Crisis in Belgium, 2007–2011

The 2007–11 political crisis was a period of instability in Belgium. The issues that provoked the crisis included the question of state reform, and whether the electoral district Brussels-Halle-Vilvoorde should remain as a single electoral district, or be separated into two electoral districts. Following the 2007 elections there were 196 days of negotiations before a coalition could be formed. However, after the 2010 elections, there was an even longer period of 541 days’ negotiation before a coalition could be formed. During these negotiations, a wide variety of Belgian politicians took charge of the discussions, in a variety of political roles. Bart De Wever of the New Flemish Alliance was in charge of the talks from 17 June 2010 to 8 July 2010 in the role of informateur. The title of formateur is used in Belgium to refer to the person who steers negotiations about a coalition government. The job of an informateur is to conduct preliminary talks that will lay the groundwork for the subsequent work of a formateur.

After De Wever, Elio Di Rupo of the Socialist Party became pre-formateur, a title that also refers to someone who lays the groundwork for a formateur, but who is not identified as informateur since he may go on to become formateur or even prime minister himself (while informateurs are more properly regarded as actual or potential assistants to the formateur). Di Rupo was in charge of the talks until 3 September 2010, after which he was replaced by Danny Pieters and André Flahaut who were Presidents of the Senate and the Chamber of Representatives respectively. They were jointly referred to as mediators, rather than as formateurs, informateurs or pre-formateurs. When their talks collapsed on 5 October 2010, De Wever took charge of the talks once more, but now instead of being known as the informateur, he was the clarificator. From 21 October 2010 to 26 January 2011 Johan Vande Lanotte became mediator and the talks continued.

The Administrative Bureaucracy of the Byzantine Empire

(An extract from Byzantium: the Complete Administrative Guide by Prof. L. Tedioso)

The civil service of the Byzantine Empire was a part of the Byzantine political culture but also separate from it. It had an administrative function, but also an executive approach to administration. The bureaucracy was reorganised many times over the years, as we shall see in much more detail on p.17, p.84, p.835, p.739 and p.1008. The civil service can be categorised in three sections: the palatine administration, based at a palace; the provincial government, which was responsible for government in the provinces; and the central civil service, which was responsible for central direction of the administrative bureaucracy. The civil service has been estimated to have been staffed by at least 600 civil servants, across 13 different bureaux or departments of state. The fundamental categorisation within civil administrative bureaucracy was between Kritai, or judicial officers, and Sekretikoi, or financial officers. The Sekretikoi were overseen by a general controller known as the Sakellarios. The Sekretikoi in turn were overseen by departmental overseers known as Logothetēs. The Logothetēs tou Genikou, for example, was a finance minister in charge of financial administrative bureaucracy, who was the overseer for the Sakellarios of the financial bureau who in turn were the overseers for the Kritai of the financial bureau within the civil administrative bureaucracy. Similarly the Logothetēs tou Dromou supervised the post office. The Kritai who worked on matters relating to the post office, and other matters of similar import, reported to the Sekretikoi of the post office section of the civil service. And the Sekretikoi in turn reported to the Logothetē tou Dromou.

Spot the Difference

Multi-Storey Hypnosis

Close your eyes. You are walking along a concrete path, to the left of you is a concrete wall, to the right of you is a concrete wall. Right next to you on your left is a small blue car, next to it is a large grey car then a white car followed by a red car next to a green car with a bicycle in the back. Next to that is a silver car then a large black car with shiny wheels. Look to your right, there is a big grey car next to a medium-sized blue car next to a red car next to a large white van. Keep walking along the concrete path being mindful of the concrete walls on either side. As you walk you get to a concrete slope, go down the concrete slope, it’s grey, very, very grey and it winds down and down. You are again on a concrete path, to the left of you is a concrete wall, to the right of you is a concrete wall. Directly to your left there is a red car next to a white car next to a large silver car with stickers on the windscreen. There are three black cars in a row followed by a green car then a tiny red car. To your left is a white car followed by a red van next to a small silver car with a baby seat in the back. Next is a yellow car followed by two silver cars and a large black motorbike. Keep walking along the concrete path. You get to another slope. Go down the slope, mindful of the grey walls either side of you. Keep walking down and down as it goes round and round. You come to a concrete path. To the left of you is a concrete wall, to the right of you is a concrete wall. Directly next to you is a black car with a rack on the roof followed by a large blue van with blacked-out windows. Next to that is a white car followed by a green car followed by four silver cars. The first silver car is very small, the second silver car is large and shiny, and the third is medium-sized and hasn’t been cleaned for a while, the fourth is small and has a cushion on the front seat. There is a large blue car followed by a white car and a small black van. Follow the path as it winds down and down …

Some Sports Statistics

• In the 1886 World Series between the St Louis Browns and the Chicago White Stockings there was a total of 63 errors.
• The longest tennis match in history was between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut at Wimbledon in 2010. It lasted 11 hours and 5 minutes and was spread over the course of three days.
• In the 1958 World Men’s Handball Championships Norway scored 67 goals.
• In the Archery category at the 1996 Olympics South Korea won one medal.
• In the world of cricket, the longest test match was played between South Africa and England, starting on 3 March 1939. It ended 12 days later, after 43 hours and 16 minutes of play, 1,981 runs and 5,447 balls. The result was a draw.
• In the Women’s World Floorball Championships, Sweden have been crowned champions more than any other team. The only other winners have been Finland and Switzerland.
• In West Flanders and surrounding regions, a variant on the game of bowls is played. It is called tra-bowls.
• The World Championship for Rock Paper Scissors has a first prize of $10,000.
• In 2011, in the Northern Territory of Australia, the Staring Competition was won by Fergal ‘Eyesore’ Fleming, after 40 minutes and 59 seconds of staring without blinking at his opponent.
• One of the longest poker games ever was held at the Bird Cage Theatre in Tombstone, Arizona, from 1881 to 1889. It lasted 8 years, 5 months and 3 days.
• At the British and World Marbles Championship, glass marbles were first used instead of the previous clay marbles in April 1962.
• At the 1956 Olympics, in the Individual Dressage event, which was held in Sweden rather than Melbourne due to quarantine issues, the bronze medal was won by Liselott Linsenhoff of West Germany, riding Adular.

Mind Whirls

Recent Developments in the Taxonomy of Molluscs

Since the publication of the taxonomy of the Gastropoda by Bouchet & Rocroi (2005) there have been numerous minor developments in the way that scientists classify slugs and snails. One significant contribution made by Klussmann-Kolb and her colleagues was the reclassification of the Euthyneura. After further work by Jörger and colleagues, the major groups within the Heterobranchia were redefined. Obviously one of the most exciting new bits of research has been within the classification of the Conoidea, but we will return to this later.

It has recently been shown that the extinct taxon Helcionelloida is not a true gastropod, so these Paleozoic molluscs of uncertain position have been reclassified as a separate class within the Mollusca, to avoid confusion. Within the true limpet family (the Patellogastropoda), research by Nakano and Ozawa in 2007 has led to some minor reclassifications. The Acmaeidae have been absorbed into the identical Lottioidea but a new family, the Eoacmaeidae, has been defined. To increase the level of precision in this area of the taxonomy of the molluscs, three other families (Daminilidae, Lepetopsidae, Neolepetopsidae) are now part of the class Lottioidea.

When it comes to Vetigastropoda the 2009 work of Geiger has been significant. The subfamily Depressizoninae has been renamed as the family Depressizonidae. Two other groups previously regarded as subfamilies (the Larocheinae from the family Scissurellidae, and the Temnocinclinae from the family Sutilizonidae) have also been reclassified as families, but of course this involves an important piece of renaming. The Larocheinae are now known as the Larocheidae and the Temnocinclinae have been renamed Temnocinclidae.

One big piece of news is that while we used to believe that the superfamily Neomphaloidea was part of the clade Vetigastropoda, new developments in molecular phylogeny have shown that it actually belongs in its own clade, Neomphalina. However when it comes to the all important relationship between Neomphalina and Vetigastropoda there is work remaining to be done, since the research is inconclusive.

Next, of course, we come to the Neritimorpha. In 2007, Bandel identified a number of new families within the Neritopsoidea, which he classified as part of the order Neritoina, which is itself in the superorder Cycloneritimorpha (but, naturally, still within the subclass Neritimorpha). This logically leads on to the recognition of Natisopsinae (identified as part of Neritopsidae by Bouchet & Rocrois in 2005) as part of the family Naticopsidae. So the superfamily Neritopsoidea now contains the families Neritopsidae, Fedaiellidae, Delphinulopsidae, Cortinellidae, Palaeonaricidae and Naticopsidae. On subsequent pages we will be discussing the importance of the taxonomy of Caenogastropoda and the revised relationship between the family Provannidae and the superfamily Abyssochrysoidea. We will also consider the elevation of the subfamily Semisulcospirinae to the more important status of family (for which it was renamed) Semisulcospiridae. Important as all of these developments with the taxonomy of molluscs are, it is worth bearing in mind that all classifications are subject to potential future reclassification.

The Growth Pattern of Holly (Ilex aquifolium)

Railway Gauges: an Overview

Since the invention of steam trains in the nineteenth century, tracks have been built in various different sizes of gauge. (Gauge is a measure of the distance between the tracks.) George Stephenson built the Stockton and Darlington Railway with a gauge of 4 foot 8 inches, having used the same gauge for testing on the Killingworth Wagonway. This in turn was based on a mine tramway called the Willington Way.

Different gauges were used for different railways in the United Kingdom at the time. The Penydarren Tramroad in South Wales used a gauge of 4 foot 4 inches. The Monkland and Kirkintilloch Railway in Scotland used 4 foot 6 inches. The Dundee and Newtyle Railway, elsewhere in Scotland, used a gauge of 4 foot 6 and a half inches. The Redruth and Chasewater Railway used 4 foot. The Arbroath and Forfar Railway used a gauge of 5 foot 6 inches. The Ulster Railway used 6 foot 2 inches. However, following the opening of the Stockton and Darlington Railway many railways, including the Liverpool and Manchester Railway, used the same gauge as it had used, or in fact a very slightly larger one, 4 foot 8 and a half inches, which became known as standard gauge. It was also known as narrow gauge, in contrast to broad gauge, which was used by the Great Western Railway (7 foot initially, although this later changed to 7 foot and a quarter of an inch). There was some dispute as to whether narrow or broad gauge was better, while some railways continued to use other alternatives, for instance the Eastern Counties Railway used a gauge of 5 feet.

As railways spread around the world, a variety of gauges continued to be used. Some of the most common gauges were 3 foot 6 inches (used, for instance, in Southern and Central Africa, the Philippines, Japan and part of Australia), Russian gauge (4 foot 11 and inches – used in Armenia, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Finland, Estonia, Georgia, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Latvia, Lithuania, Moldova, Mongolia, Russia, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Ukraine and Uzbekistan), Finnish gauge (5 foot – used in Finland), Irish gauge (5 foot 3 inches – used in Ireland, Brazil and parts of Australia), Iberian gauge (5 foot 5 and inches – used in Spain and Portugal) and Indian gauge (5 foot 6 inches – used in India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, Argentina and parts of the United States). Standard gauge was used in Albania, Argentina, Australia, Austria, Belgium, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Bulgaria, Canada, China, Croatia, Cuba, Czech Republic, Denmark, Djibouti, Ethiopia, France, Germany, Greece, Hungary, Indonesia, Italy, Israel, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Mexico, Montenegro, Netherlands, North Korea, Norway, Panama, Peru, Poland, Romania, Serbia, Slovakia, Slovenia, South Korea, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, United States, Uruguay, Venezuela, and some lines in India, Japan and Taiwan.

Within the United States there was also some variation in the gauge used for railways. The standard gauge of 4 feet 8 and a half inches was widely used, for instance, on the Baltimore and Ohio Railroad and the Boston & Albany. The Pennsylvania Railway used a slightly different gauge of 4 feet 9 inches. The Erie Lackawanna used a broader gauge of 6 feet. Canadian railways used a gauge of 5 feet 6 inches. In the Southern states of the United States the most common gauge was 5 feet 0 inches. The transcontinental railroad was initially planned at 5 feet 0 inches but later on they changed the plan and used standard gauge, 4 feet 8 and a half inches.

Some interesting alternative gauge sizes that are no longer in use include 6 foot 4 and inches, used in the Netherlands between 1839 and 1864, 5 foot 9 and a quarter inch, used briefly in Indonesia, 4 foot 11 and inches, used in Ukraine on the Kiev tramway, 3 foot 5 and inches used in 1911 in Poland on the Częstochowa–Herby line.

Count the Sheep

The Dullest Entries in Interesting Diaries

Christopher Columbus Saturday, Aug. 4th 1492

President Harry S. Truman
March 3 1947

Samuel Pepys
June 17th 1660 (partial transcript)

Ludwig Wittgenstein
April 10th 1934

George Orwell
September 2nd 1938

General Joseph W. Stilwell
Aug 1st 1943

Get to Sleep

How the Pyramids Were Built

The Egyptian pyramids are pyramid-shaped structures in Egypt. There are over 100 pyramids, mostly built in sandy areas of the desert. For centuries scientists have speculated as to how the pyramids were built. Now we can reveal the true story of the construction process.

Firstly, detailed plans for the pyramids were drawn up by the architects. Then the plans were given to the builders, whose job it was to follow the instructions. A single block of stone was dragged laboriously across the sandy desert and placed in the correct position. Then another single block of stone was dragged slowly across the sand and placed next to the first block, as instructed in the plans. After that, a third block of stone was dragged gradually across the sand, and manoeuvred inch by inch carefully into place, next to the second block, which was still next to the first block, where it had been positioned. After this a fourth block was dragged slowly across the sand and inched carefully into its correct position. And then a fifth block was dragged carefully across the sand and moved laboriously into the correct position. These blocks were the first five blocks in either the external wall or the internal structure of the pyramids. The eventual aim was to create a pyramid shape within which there were chambers and tunnels as well as internal structures built out of blocks. So the internal structures needed a base block as well as the external walls.

When the first line of blocks of stone was as long as the plans had indicated, the builders carefully dragged another block of stone slowly across the sand under the baking hot sun. This would have been a very slow process, with the block only moving a few inches forwards at a time. This block was placed next to the existing line of blocks of stone, but instead of extending the line in either direction, this block was moved slowly and carefully into position adjacent to the line, creating the first element of a perpendicular wall. Then a second block was carefully dragged across the sand and positioned laboriously next to the block that had previously been carefully positioned according to the plans. After this a third block was dragged ever so slowly across the sand. This third block of the new section of the base of the pyramid was placed precisely in position, adjacent to the previous block which had been placed against the first block of the new section, perpendicular to the previous section of the base. This was all, of course, in accordance with the detailed plans which the builders would have been consulting on a regular basis. One block positioned in an incorrect location could have been disastrous. Indeed, had this third block of the new section been positioned wrongly they might have had to carefully drag every one of the previous blocks back across the sand so that they could start all over again.

Eventually, every block in the base layer of the pyramid was correctly and carefully positioned. Laborious though this stage of the construction had been, the next stage was to be even more complex. Now the first block of the second layer had to be dragged slowly and carefully across the desert floor, in the burning heat of the sun, and then laboriously raised up so that it could be placed in the correct position on top of the existing layer of blocks of stone. After that the second block was dragged slowly and carefully across the sand and raised slowly, inch by inch, up to its correct position next to the first block in the second layer of blocks in the pyramid. This block had to be carefully levered up and then manoeuvred into position. Of course, our explanation of this process may not be entirely accurate. Some of the slow careful dragging of blocks across the sand might have been taking place at the same time as the blocks for the layers were being laboriously dragged and cautiously raised into position before the process continued.

A Brief History of the Eyechart

A Few Facts about Roundabouts