© 2018 Victoria Jones Griffith. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses
permitted by copyright law.
ISBN: 978-1-54395-191-2 (print)
ISBN: 978-1-54395-192-9 (ebook)
Disclaimer
The events portrayed in this book are correct to the best of my memory. While this is a work of nonfiction and all the stories in this book are true, some names and other details have been altered to protect the privacy of those involved.
Dedication
The day that I decided that my book was finally finished and ready to be published, my 11-year-old chihuahua Pepe decided that it was time to leave this Earth. Pepe came to me during the darkest time in my life. He licked my tears and made me laugh. As you will see in my book, his assignment was clear. So, I dedicate this book to Pepe, one of my guardian angels who has taught me what unconditional love truly is.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Upon feeling a nudge from God, I began writing my story on August 16, 2017 which was exactly two months before the “Me Too” movement began. First, I would like to acknowledge, all the women who have found their voice, who are in the process of discovering their voice, and those who will find theirs after reading my story.
I want to thank:
Amy Wienecke, Developmental Editor and Writing Coach, for her remarkable gift of editing and coaching, for encouraging me and inspiring me to dig deeper, and for her unwavering belief in me throughout my writing journey.
Jheni Solis, Copy Editor and fellow “One Billion Rising” Lead Dance Instructor, for giving my manuscript the final read before sending it into the world.
Marjorie for our “chicken soup for the soul” conversations about healing and for being the first one to read my manuscript.
Amy S., Atoosa, Cherry, Cindy, Elizabeth, Holly, Janet, Jen, Karen, Kim, Linda, Meissa, Nancy, Quitman, and Will —who believed in me and cheered me on along the way.
My twin sister Mandy for her unconditional love and unwavering support throughout my healing and writing process.
My parents for allowing me to move towards my pain so that I could discover my power: My mother for being a constant beacon of light and positivity (and the inspiration behind my cover design), and my father for instilling in me the principles of character and service.
Contents
INTRODUCTION
THE VICTIM
CHAPTER 1 - Ignorance is Bliss
CHAPTER 2 - “V” For Victim
CHAPTER 3 - Perfectly Imperfect
THE VALIDATION
CHAPTER 4 - Numbing the Pain
CHAPTER 5 - Prey Not Pray
CHAPTER 6 - 50 Shades of Terrible
CHAPTER 7 - Sweaty Money
THE VOICE
CHAPTER 8 - Ascending the Mountain
CHAPTER 9 - I Found My Guru
CHAPTER 10 - The Dark Night of the Soul
CHAPTER 11 - Bait and Switch
CHAPTER 12 - Rise Up
CHAPTER 13 - Fight, Flight, or Freeze and Why I Didn’t Report
CHAPTER 14 - The Gym Manager, The Pastor, & The Producer
THE VULNERABILITY
CHAPTER 15 - My Millennial Meltdown
THE VICTORY
CHAPTER 16 - The Victory Dance
CHAPTER 17 - Ok, So Now What?
INTRODUCTION
“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of the light.”
- Brené Brown
Vic-to-ri-ous: having won a victory; triumphant
It was 2007 and an unusually cold December in Texas. I remember opening my eyes to complete pitch black darkness and shivering uncontrollably. A sudden flood of thoughts started racing through my head. Was I dreaming? Was I dead? Had I been kidnapped? All I was sure of at that moment was the feeling of hard, freezing concrete beneath my naked body. I somehow gathered the strength to crawl towards what appeared to be a small sliver of light in the distance. I located what felt like a door, and I pushed it open. And there I was — naked, cold, and alone in the morning light. As the light spilled over me, I knew this was it. I could no longer be a victim.
The younger of identical twins by seventeen minutes, my parents named me Victoria. A few years ago, my mother took a trip to Greece, bringing me an unusual souvenir — a photograph she took of a stone carving of the Greek goddess Nike. This was particularly special because I discovered, after brushing up on my history, that the Romans gave this goddess a name too: goddess Victoria, the goddess of victory. This keepsake became one of my mental anchors, helping me focus on my own personal victory when things got tough. Victory over the need for perfection and self-defeat. Victory over self-sabotage and shame. Victory armed with self-love, self-worth, and self-respect.
This is not a story of traditional abuse and sexual assault that you so often see on the evening news or in your social media feed. My story is an even more common one. It is the kind of story that hides in the shadow of fear and shame and is not often openly addressed by our society. Unlike recovering from external wounds from a tragic accident, fall or other bodily injuries, these wounds are on the inside, and most carry them for a lifetime. Many women are afraid that if they tell their story, they won’t be believed. So they never heal, often becoming perpetual victims.
Even before my first assault, I suffered from a lack of self-love and self-respect. I suffered from the inability to establish personal boundaries, as well as my overwhelming need for perfection. I didn’t realize at the time that these things were the root of every violation I would experience over the next 22 years of my life.
As I began to write my story, I struggled with mentioning divinity, not because I wanted to appeal to the masses, but because of my own personal experience with God and church. When I was at my lowest, caught in a cycle of self-loathing, shame and guilt, I thought I had disappointed God and that He was punishing me for my choices. Like Hester Prynne in the famous novel, The Scarlet Letter, I had branded myself with my own invisible scarlet letter “V”, convinced that I would always be a victim; so I did not want to hear about God, the God I knew as an innocent young girl. I felt anyone talking about Him, quoting scripture, and going to church, hadn’t experienced the same pain I was going through. This was a lie I was telling myself. Whether you believe in God, Creator, Universe, or a Higher Power, I pray that my story helps you grow stronger in your faith: a faith in something much bigger than yourself and a faith that will lead you out of any personal darkness.
Part of my story involves my work over the past 20 years as a Certified Health and Wellness Expert. I discovered that my clients were following my customized workouts and diet plans, but they weren’t keeping the weight off. I had to look at why I was still having digestive issues and holding on to excess weight if I was following my own plan perfectly. After years of searching for answers to heal myself, I discovered that the most important workout was the workout that begins inside all of us. Our divine DNA is meant to thrive. I genuinely believe that a great deal of our “diseases” (dis-ease, unease) such as weight gain, extreme weight loss, depression, chronic fatigue, physical pain, and our inability to heal come from holding onto past wounds and fears. And after personally letting go of my pain, my shame, and my fear little by little, I saw a stronger woman emerge. On the inside, I became healthier, more energized, joyful, and optimistic. On the outside, my belly became flatter, my digestive issues went away, and I began to look leaner and more youthful. People began asking me what I was doing differently. I was working out less than I ever had in the past and was not even as strict on my diet. This was an INSIDE job. I began to use these techniques I discovered with my clients, and I was amazed to see how they too began to transform on the outside.
I spent many years not only angry at the men who hurt me but blaming myself for being a victim and not having the courage to report my assaults. I didn’t have a support network or a roadmap to follow to help me feel whole again. Many times, I have wished I could go back and talk to the younger me. Tell her to talk to someone. Tell her it isn’t her fault. Tell her that she’s loved and important. Tell her she has worth and value.
My intention in writing this book is not to shame those who hurt me, disrupt their lives and families in any way, or to lay fault or blame even on myself. I have changed all the names and have told my truth through the lens of love, compassion, and forgiveness. One of my biggest blessings (and my greatest curse) is that I always see the best in everyone I meet. That is part of the reason why I stayed with some of these men for so long. I truly believe that these men, and all humans, can change and evolve like I have.
This is the story of my journey, my transformation from a victim to a victor. It’s a journey that occurred in stages: a naive girl with strong religious conviction struggling physically to maintain her “perfect” outer appearance; a young woman struggling mentally with believing that she is damaged goods after breaking what she thought was her pact with God; an adult woman struggling emotionally and seeking emotional stability while searching for love in all the wrong places; and a woman who found the love she was searching for her entire life.
Today, I am ready to speak my truth and share my story so that other women like me will know they are not alone and can receive the tools I used to heal my wounds, fall in love with myself and live a victorious life.