also by najwa zebian
Mind Platter
The Nectar of Pain
contents
I the burning
II turning to ashes
III sparks of phoenix
IV the rising
V the soaring
VI a new chapter
an invitation
acknowledgments
about the author
prologue
To heal from your pain
now,
you need to go all the way back
to chapter one.
To page one.
To the beginning
of how it all began.
For every ending,
there is a
once upon a time.
For every broken soul,
there is a
once upon a happy soul.
For every phoenix soaring,
there is a phoenix
burning,
turning to ashes,
rising,
then soaring.
Let me hand you the matches
to ignite the glory
within your soul.
Let me be the one
who burns to ashes
as you spark in your darkest of nights.
As you rise.
As you soar.
You lit my soul
on fire
and told me
to watch it burn.
He asks me:
“What do you want from me?”
I stare at him in silence
with tears fighting to stay
buried inside my eyes,
with thoughts swirling in my mind
like a hurricane.
“What do you want from me?” he asks
over and over.
I am confused because
I know and
I don’t know.
You were the one
who knocked on my door.
You were the one
who wouldn’t allow me to close my door.
He told me
that he loved how
I made him feel.
Back then,
I put my self-worth
in his hands
and told him
“Be the master.”
He attached strings to my self-worth
and played with me
like a marionette.
I used to look at those in pain
and think
they are choosing to be in pain
until pain chose me
and I understood the taste
of feeling pain
that you cannot control.
I see myself crumbling
and my wings
becoming weaker and weaker,
but there is nothing I can do.
It feels like
there is poison running through
my veins
and I am letting go
one breath at a time.
I go back and forth
between being angry with you
and falling back into the moments
I fell in love with you.
One moment,
I want to scream at you,
the next moment,
I want to tell you
I love you.
My heart crumbles
into my aching soul
because I know that
I will never get the answer,
but all I want to ask you is:
Why did you ask me to love you
when you had no intention
of loving me?
You don’t know
how dangerous it is
for me to see you.
I start living time
in reverse.
My anger with you
starts to fade.
My hatred for what you did
begins to escape.
And I arrive right at the moments
when I fell in love with you.
Run away
because that is what you do best.
You break a heart then
run away.
You shatter a soul then
run away.
You say that you no longer care,
and you think that makes you strong.
Don’t you know that
the greatest act of courage is to love?
What a fool you are for running away.
My soul has been burning
for a while now.
Pain has become
my new normal.
I cannot differentiate between
excruciating pain
and pain that feels
less painful.
It’s all the same.
After all this time,
I wonder how you’re doing.
My bones tell me
to be angry with you
for walking away when you
promised not to.
But my heart pretends
to understand you
and gives excuses for you.
Do you miss me?
Or did I become like
one of the streets in
one of the cities that
you once visited:
a distant memory
that you don’t remember unless
you see a picture of me
or read a poem that you once
allowed your heart to write
to me
or
about me?
My heart hurts,
and I am not sure
which part of it
is aching the most.
I do not want anyone to tell me
to stop feeling the pain.
I do not want anyone to tell me
to let things go.
I do not want anyone to tell me
I am overthinking this.
I just want someone to
love me through this.
I saw you from a distance
and felt sad.
I knew you wouldn’t come to me
like you used to.
But you did come to me
like you used to
and lay by my side
like you used to.
You ran your fingers
across my face
and the creases of my hands
like you used to.
You were gentle with me
and took a few moments
to look deeply into my eyes
like you used to.
My soul flooded with happiness,
but soon I woke up
from my dream
because you no longer love me
like you used to.