The Log of the Ark by Noah

I. L. Gordon

WEDNESDAY, b.c. 2349. Course—to Ararat. Weather—clear and rain. Wind—starting to blow. Sea—calm. Ship’s Run—1 league.

Remarks:
 Weighed anchor: 2240 pounds.—My rheumatism hurt. I just knew it would rain.—A large crowd came down to see us off. Received delegation of S. P. C. A. They presented me with a gold-handled umbrella.—Someone sent the women folks a bunch of American beauties.—Many of my neighbours say I am crazy.—It began to rain—crowd dispersed.—There is a lot of hubbub in getting an Ark off.—Half an hour late in starting. Ham doesn’t understand some of the levers.—Ship’s band played the national anthems as we sailed away.—Sent sailing lists to all my friends. Gave them to the pilot to mail.—Dropped pilot at 7.30 p.m. I was sorry to see him go.—Cargo all well and quiet.—I wonder if I will be seasick?

THURSDAY. Course—straight ahead. Weather—rain. Wind—higher. Sea—still calm. Ship’s Run—2.

Remarks:
 Rained all last night and today. I didn’t sleep well. Mrs. Noah insists upon having the lower berth. I had to climb up top. If I fall and break my neck it will be serious.—Spent morning in smoking-room reading steamer letters. Several magazines offer half a shekel a word for my story. Some vaudeville manager wants me to go on the stage if I get away with the trip. The University of Bagdad ask me to will them my brains.—Mrs. Japheth forgot one of her steamer trunks, and wants us to go back.—Ham says he thinks he knows which levers will stop the Ark.—All well on board.

FRIDAY. Course—straight ahead. Weather—rain. Wind—same as yesterday. Sea—very calm. Ship’s Run—1½. Wireless Report; Mountain resorts doing good business. Hotels all crowded.

Remarks:
 We ran aground this morning. Mrs. Noah and the girls were badly frightened. I signalled for a tug which pulled us off. The captain wanted to know about the salvage. I told him to see the owners or the insurance company. Doubt if he ever will be paid.—I can’t sleep very well. The bunk is too narrow. I don’t like steamer bunks any more than I do a Pullman.—Mrs. Noah complains of the motion of the ship. I haven’t felt it, but the throbbing of the engines is annoying.—Didn’t eat much today.—Cargo still quiet. I’m a little worried about the two caterpillars. What if they are not mates?

SATURDAY. Course—straight ahead. Weather—rain. Wind—shifted. Sea—same as yesterday. Ship’s Run—2. Wireless Report—C. Q. D. Antioch.

Remarks:
 The rooster woke me up this morning.—Oldest inhabitants can’t remember when it has rained so hard.—There’s not much fun standing on the bridge for four hours at a time. I thought all the captain of an Ark had to do was talk to the ladies. There’s some responsibility connected with a vessel of this size, and such a mixed cargo. It might have a serious effect on posterity should we be wrecked.—All indications point to unusually high water. We passed several mountains today. Mountains do look strange without their valleys.—I’m learning to read the charts.—Japheth complains that the triceratops prorus, the iguanodon bernissartensis, and the dinosaurs are not eating. We’re always having trouble with those what-you-may-call-its.—Mrs. Noah says the Ark is beginning to smell like a barn. I can’t help that.—Took my bath.

“Can’t remember when it has rained so hard”

SUNDAY. Course—straight ahead. Weather—rain. Wind—higher. Sea—higher. Ship’s Run—1. Wireless Report—Ephesus C. Q. D.’d. So did Tyre.

Remarks:
 I never saw such a rain. It simply poured all day.—No ministers aboard so I had to conduct the services in the saloon this morning. Took as my text—Genesis 7:7. Mrs. Shem played the harpsichord. No collection.—Sea just a little rougher this afternoon.—Have had a time keeping Ham in the engine room. He’s lazy. He would rather fish than work. Ham’s wife always sides with him. I’m afraid I’ll have trouble with her.—Hope we don’t run into any of those waterspouts I’ve read about.—Cargo still quiet. Hope none of those submarines attack us.

MONDAY. Course—straight ahead. Weather—rain. Wind—N. E. Sea—a bit choppy. Ship’s Run—½. Wireless Report—S. O. S. Chaldea.

Remarks:
 Women folks kicked to beat the band. It was too wet to hang out the wash. I told them to bring enough lingerie to last forty days. I always thought women’s clothes were too complicated anyway.—Made an inspection of the staterooms. Everything O. K. and sanitary. Some of the animals are a little crowded, but I can’t help that when each mammoth takes two staterooms.—The Shetland ponies need exercise, but it keeps on raining.—Mrs. Noah is still complaining. She can’t stand the motion of the ship, and now she says the thought of the French poodles being bunked with the rhino is horrible.—Real estate getting scarce.—Had the auto tires thrown overboard. I couldn’t see any use for them.

TUESDAY. Course—straight ahead. Weather—rain. Wind—same. Sea—choppier. Ship’s Run—same. Wireless Report—Record high water in Babylon. Stores flooded. Boats in streets.

Remarks:
 That bunk of mine is made of concrete.—I’m a little shaky today. Appetite all gone. Meals don’t taste good. Felt better on deck. I’ve never been seasick in my life. I wonder if this is it?—I’ll be all right tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY. Course—straight ahead. Weather—rain. Wind—stronger. Sea—pretty rough. Ship’s Run—¼. Wireless Report—C. Q. D. Bagdad.

Remarks:
 Rain and a little rougher. Never had such strange sensations. I excused myself from the dinner table. I don’t think it’s the motion of the boat, but the smell of the cooking and the vibration. I like to keep perfectly quiet in my steamer chair and have plenty of air.—Mrs. Japheth brought me a sardine sandwich this afternoon. That was sinful.—Only stuck my head in the dining-room door at supper time. I’d like to be on dry land just now. Mrs. Noah is a nuisance. She wants to know what she can do for me. Why can’t people let me alone in these critical times? Wonder if I am seasick?—I’ll be all right tomorrow.

THURSDAY. Course—straight ahead. Weather—rain. Wind—stronger. Sea—nauseating. Ship’s Run—¼. Wireless Report—Work stopped on tower of Babel.

Remarks:
 Rougher and more rain.—Tried to get up this morning but gave it up. Every time the Ark pitches I feel so uncomfortable. Nothing I eat stays et. Mrs. Noah and the girls brought hot lemonade and gruel into my cabin. It only takes the thought of such things to make my sensations worse. I don’t see why they had to fry onions today.—The second officer came in tonight and said it was my watch. I told him the Ark could get along without my watch. He said we might founder if the bridge was empty. I told him I didn’t care if we did.—Mrs. Ham says there is no such a thing as seasickness. She claims it’s a state of mind. Why can’t people let me alone?—I’ll be all right tomorrow.

FRIDAY. Course— Weather— Wind— Sea— — —