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UNLONELY

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Contents

Introduction

UnLonely

Conclusion

Resources

INTRODUCTION

It's an unfortunate fact of life that everybody feels lonely sometimes. You may be able to take some comfort from knowing you're not the only one feeling this way. Loneliness can strike anybody and, contrary to popular belief, you may not even be alone when you experience these feelings of disconnection from others – sometimes, a crowded room can feel like the loneliest place in the world. Loneliness can be deeply uncomfortable and distressing, but, if you can put some self-care measures in place, shift your perspective from one of loneliness to solitude and take some simple steps to connect with those around you on a deeper, more meaningful level, you can begin to find solace in the fact it will not last forever.

If you've found your way to this book because you're going through a difficult period for whatever reason, I hope that it offers you reassurance, support and practical inspiration, so you start feeling more confident about connecting with others and able to build a close, supportive network around yourself.

What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.

Ellen Burstyn

What is loneliness?

Loneliness is not a pleasant feeling, and yet it's something we have undoubtedly all experienced from time to time. You can feel lonely in a variety of different situations, from being physically alone, to being surrounded by others and yet feeling like you don't really fit in. Whatever your experience, you will likely identify with the fact that lacking close human interaction can leave you feeling disconnected somehow. And it's this disconnection that can make you feel isolated, unhappy and lonely.

LONELINESS IS A PERCEPTION

Of course, not everyone who spends a lot of time alone is lonely. Loneliness is a perception, based on your own personal beliefs, desires and social needs. You might spend a large proportion of your day in solitude and yet feel perfectly secure, fulfilled and content. For some, the peace and quiet of being alone might be a joy, providing them with the silence needed to think and the space to throw themselves into creative projects. If this is the case, then loneliness will simply not be part of the equation. However, if your circumstances mean you spend large portions of your life alone and you actually crave human connection, then loneliness is likely to play an important part in your experience. The degree to which you experience loneliness is entirely personal and will be unique for everyone.

LONELINESS AND EVOLUTION

Collectively as a species, we have evolved to seek out close human interaction. This makes sense when you think about it – in days gone by, we had to stick together in order to ensure our survival, living in tribes, working as a team by taking on specific roles within our societies, and sharing our stories and experiences with others. This need for connection is therefore hardwired into our DNA. We need to form close bonds with others in order to feel secure, for when we feel understood and as though we belong as part of a group, we feel safe. Conversely, feeling as if we are on the edge of society – that we don't belong – leaves us uneasy, unsettled and, primarily, unhappy. All of which can be explained from an evolutionary point of view, too – if we live on the periphery of society, our survival suddenly becomes uncertain, as we lack protection.

People are never too young or too old to look for human connection.

John Turturro

You're not the only one

As much as it can feel like you're entirely alone and that no one understands how you feel, every person on the planet has experienced loneliness at some point in their lives. No one feels like they fit in all the time and no matter how confident others may outwardly appear, everyone knows what it feels like to be "the outsider".

NOT ALONE, BUT LONELY

Often when we picture loneliness, we imagine being physically all on our own. However, it's perfectly possible to be surrounded by other people and yet still feel lonely. For example, you could be at home by yourself, curled up on the sofa with a cup of hot tea and a good book, and feel perfectly happy and at ease. On the other hand, you might be at a party surrounded by a large group of acquaintances and yet feel utterly alone. Often, it comes down to how much we feel understood and accepted by those around us, and how connected we feel on a level that's deeper than "small talk". If we don't have a true connection with a person or group of people, or if our confidence is low at that moment, meaning we're not in the best place to form new relationships, it's perfectly possible to feel alone in a crowd. It's natural to be unsettled by this and allow the loneliness to feed feelings of low self-worth, but remember, this situation does not dictate who you are: it's just one moment.

Loneliness and physical health

While loneliness is not a medical condition in itself, it can pose a threat to your long-term physical health. In a 2015 study by Holt-Lunstad, social isolation was found to be as damaging to your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, with loneliness increasing the risk of everything from high blood pressure, coronary heart disease and stroke, to physical disability and mortality – a sobering fact and one that demonstrates the importance of human connection.

Loneliness and mental health